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Oct 2018 · 769
Cloey Olson Oct 2018
you don't know beautiful until you know him
Jun 2017 · 620
p r e c i o u s
Cloey Olson Jun 2017
So few and precious things on Earth feel real and he’s one of them
Apr 2017 · 323
Cloey Olson Apr 2017
‘So he hates you now?’ she asked quietly.  
‘No’ I replied. ‘It’s worse..  He feels nothing at all.’
Feb 2017 · 350
Cloey Olson Feb 2017
Touch like glass.
So crisp it cuts.  
Right when you started to trust the glossy perfection.
One crack & it slices open anyone who comes close.
I didn't know I was cracked open.
Didn't realize the damage I could do.
He touched me so gently I forgot I was broken.
Glass shatters so delicately.
Just the slightest twinge and blood appears.
You see the blood before you feel the pain.
It's so subtle.
It wants to be touched.
It does.
It doesn't want to cause pain.
It has so much depth in it's soul.
Begging to be loved, yet destroying anyone that does.
Begging for attention then punishing anyone that comes.
It wishes it were sturdier.
Why does it have to be delicate?
Why does it have to be broken?
Jan 2017 · 660
b e g
Cloey Olson Jan 2017
..begging to be loved
yet destroying anyone that does..
Jan 2017 · 649
Cloey Olson Jan 2017
i miss him in waves.
typhoons one minute,
tide pools the next
but always, there
never quite making it to shore
drifting in him,
day after day..
Jan 2017 · 385
t o u c h
Cloey Olson Jan 2017
He touched me so gently
I forgot I was broken
Jan 2017 · 756
e r a d i c a t e
Cloey Olson Jan 2017
It's as if I want it to end badly.*
I have to stop myself from smiling at tragedy unfolding.
I'm an artist.
We artists yearn to feel.
We crave heartbreak.
That moment of feeling your heart eradicate.
We clutch at our chest and scream into our pillows,
grasp our ribs, begging them not to fall apart.
And slowly,
with shaking fingertips,
We find a pen
We find a canvas
We find a guitar
We find our voice
Our medium
And we cry
We express this beautiful decimation
And people applaud what they are entirely unable to do;
to voice the chaos of pain
What does it look like?
What does it sound like?
What notes does the clenching grip of death choose?
What shade of red was it when he cheated?
That painful twinge of minor 7 chords.
The despair has a soul.
We can feel it now,
touch it,
taste it,
hear it,
see it.
We awaken the senses to the most numbing experiences humans have
We open ourselves up,
and the world feels.
Jul 2016 · 352
Cloey Olson Jul 2016
is what I didn't expect. Prickling at the top of your spine,
the haunting sense of being watched.
I wake up in a panic.
3:30am every night.
"He's there" a voice whispers into my subconscious.
**** up.
Eyes dart through the darkness.
Fumble for a light
Panic comes in waves.
A sob rumbles beneath my stomach,
Cowering and convulsing

I cover my ears,
try to stop the silent scream
Block the demons with my fragile hands
"Please" I whisper

He's outside the door.
He's the face in the window,
behind the blinds,
standing over my bed,
he has a gun to my chest,
sadistic smile,


"It's not real" is my anthem
Just try to stay in reality.
Flashbacks of his sway,
the shattered items in his wake,
my head shattering the mirror,
tears streaming down my face
His yells piercing my eardrums,
I can't even scream,
Blood smears the glass,
I cower and shake

It comes again and again.
He's here. As if he never left
As if I never escaped
And I didn't...

Because the real torture comes when the conscious ends.
When you escape the abuse in reality,
you enter the abuse in fantasy,
And he's back with a vengeance
The mind doesn't sleep
He's there in your ear,
he's in the mirror
Behind the curtain,
right  behind you on the freeway,
Beside you at night,
Lurking and determined.

For all the post-abuse souls out there...
May 2016 · 632
C a n Y o u H e a r I t
Cloey Olson May 2016
Did you hit her too?
Throw her stuff all around the room
Break her little soul
Split it right in two
Hate her so you wouldn't have to hate you too

Will she be enough?
For your lustful hands, not happy till you see her blood
How long before you break, can she run fast enough?
Please, God, let her run fast enough

Will she end like me?
Grasping for the little girl she used to be
Hating herself cuz even now she can't be free
She's locked in your maze of lies, it takes a lifetime to see

You just don't know what you do
We tried so hard to love you
And when you take, you take it all
We try to love but you hate us all
Every spark of good, you take it down
You shout and we all bow down

Will we all break through
This house of glass you told us we could never do
We lost our heart but don't you dare take our voice too
Make us cower, but still it's you who lose

Cause' you have sprung up a choir
Can you hear us singing, we're on fire
We're shouting grace over all your lies
Love shatters all; even leads us to goodbye.

Held us hostage, but it's goodbye
Made us Captives, but it's goodbye,
Can you hear it, can you hear it
You have sprung up a choir
Song lyrics...
May 2016 · 320
Cloey Olson May 2016 said I had the universe in my eyes
but surely you knew it was only ever
a reflection of you...
May 2016 · 667
O n l y Y o u
Cloey Olson May 2016
My love…
My precious darling.
Come back. Please.  
My knees are still ******, my heart still a mess. Muddy swirls of clenching, burning press.
Press into me. I feel your weight from across the globe.  
Lift up my head. I won’t feel your blows. I’ll feel your warmth, your sickness will dissolve into peace. The clouds of mercy will sweep us both off our feet. I love you still. Surely you know. That my heart is still buried in your precious snow.  You, not him. Never him, only you. It’s you that made my heart skip, made me dance in the rain.  Only you could give me the deepest, wrenching pain. Pain that people **** for because they’ve never loved like that.  You, with the bowties and the warmth and the sun. You were my sunshine. My lover.  My stars. My universe. It was you. Only you.  Never a competition.  You set perfection. You wore my complexion. No substitution. Just you.  
If anything, I would want you to know that it was you, only you. Always you. Even now. When you’re taken and in love with someone else who makes you smile. Still now, know...
It was you, always you, only you.
Dec 2015 · 492
D o n e
Cloey Olson Dec 2015
The words fell from his lips
Slipped so delicately off his tongue

'What?' I asked
The words fell once again
I watched them fall
Succession of pain about to hit the crook of my neck
'What..?' I whispered
They hit the ground with an explosion
And the shrapnel dug into my skin with an iron grip.
Clench, pull, dig, mold.
Mold into my skin those words did.
Explosion of words into the pit of my stomach,
Releasing thousands of spiders to scurry their way through my arteries
'...just not working..' He mumbles
'..we can be friends..'
'..what?' I say stupidly once more
I'm gonna puke.
Throw those words back up until he vows to take them back.
It was a joke.
A terrible one, but he never was the funny one.
But he was my one.
Not my one.
Not my funny one.
No one.
No one in a second.
No one in three seconds
1. I watch his mouth open
2. The words tumble down
3. Shattered explosion of pain
All over.
Dec 2015 · 579
S m o k e
Cloey Olson Dec 2015
Smoky eyes
Wispy flakes beneath your tongue
'Come taste' you breathe
My ear tickles at the
smoky eyes
Smoky eyes
They tingle and they shout
Unfurl your smoke
I'll drown in the clouds
'Take me with you' I breathe
On the rush of the exhales
Smoky eyes
Daring me to jump off that cliff
'Give it up, let it go'
But do I dare believe his
Smoky eyes
They hush me
And dance me
And plunge me
To smoke,
Full haziness
Exhilaration and rush
Smoky eyes
Smoky eyes
So that's what I'd been looking for
When I'd been crawling in the dust
And the dirt and the stains
No the smoke is what hushes me
The smoky eyes
Are my sanctity
Dec 2015 · 608
f a l l a c i e s
Cloey Olson Dec 2015
Black walls cover my eyelids anyways, so let’s put me in a room.
Cover the walls in sunflowers so they can scream all the fallacies you scraped into my skin.  
White dresses for this occasion so we can splatter them in blood. Nothing yells louder than lies.
You shout.
You’re the type of crazy that bleeds out.
It’s infectious.
Viruses don’t understand what you do.
The Black Plague is your best friend.
You start in the brain,
save the heart for last.
Lead them down the cave of desire,
taint yourself with blood.
Tell yourself they’re worth it. They’re worth everything. And no one takes you at your word.
When you say you take everything, you mean it.
You mean it.
You don’t break hearts, you destroy souls.
Start slicing at one end and shred across the top.  
Inject it with ******.
Get them hooked.
I’ll be locked onto you and you alone.

Just what you want.
Forever. Forever haunts me.
Nov 2015 · 476
Little Heart
Cloey Olson Nov 2015
Little heart stay open
Don’t shut down with hate
Little heart be strong
Don’t give in to rage
Little heart
Let your wings
Carry you to forgiveness and truth
Let each feather be your testimony
Of pain turned to grace
Little heart
Do what’s harder
It’s easier to hate
Fight for your right
To return hate with grace
Little heart
Stay vulnerable
Little heart
Stay strong
Don’t barricade yourself with shields
Barricade yourself with flowers
With daisies and a rose
Turn hatred to a smile
With every one of those blows
Little heart
I believe in you
Little heart
Take my hand
Little heart
We’ll show everyone
What love can transcend
Nov 2015 · 388
Cloey Olson Nov 2015
When blood runs down your wrists in waves of pain,
tears spill out from beneath your weary eyelids,
black rolls down your face into the soul that believed one sordid fact of vitality:
I thought he loved me.
Nov 2015 · 463
b r e a k
Cloey Olson Nov 2015
We’ll call your last name abuse.
Tack it onto the end with the ink splash of a dot.
Does it feel good to see it there?  Jason Abuser.  
Abuse is your genes, your attention span falters just slow enough for me to see it.
The hurt hiding behind your insanity.  I see it. I see it. And that’s how you stole me.
Kidnapped my capacity to move.
Pain pulls the rug beneath the feet.
A sly blow to the back of my knees.  
Not my pain, never my pain. My pain would never be enough to make me stay; no, your pain darling. Your pain is what shatters me.
Those glimpses of a tortured past the moments before you’d hit me.  That’s what I saw.  
That was the cemented concrete you poured over my feet before you’d kick me to the floor.
I saw it.
I saw it through the blood. The way you’d cower from yourself first, before making me cower.  You hated yourself and that made me break. Break for your hate.
No, you’re too beautiful for this distorted world.
You’re precious my Mr. Cirkovic.  My darling, it’s okay.  Keep cementing me into the ground. Blow by blow, I’ll show you love.
I’ll bring you love in buckets of bruises.  I’ll adore you to heaven. Fall slowly into insanity so you can fall quickly into peace.  I love you. I’ll show you.  I’ll show you. You’ll see.
I’ll make the way for the next girl.  She’ll see who you are and see the beauty I know was always there.  I’ll be slashed and bruised and she’ll get your kisses and gentleness.  
And I’ll cry for what she didn’t have to know.
Oct 2015 · 239
Cloey Olson Oct 2015
Freedom doesn't exist after you.
Sep 2015 · 347
Cloey Olson Sep 2015
Days pass and my heart feels like a slowly pulsing scar.  
I am a ghost.
Life isn’t real.
Playfulness left.
Innocence left.
Joy departed.

I wander the halls as a ghost and internally weep with a mask.
Sep 2015 · 391
Cloey Olson Sep 2015
It was a bombshell
And it came.
Mental illness came with a flood
and with illness comes pain.

Pain, all along.
That’s the root of his sickness
And though I knew what it was,
I couldn’t stop it.
I held my fragile hands against a tsunami
and hoped they would stop it,
Sep 2015 · 270
Cloey Olson Sep 2015
I know you were here
I felt your skin
I heard your voice
Your lips moved gently in motion
Your mouth whispered promises
To my timid ears
I saw you
You were here

And then you're gone
As if you were never there to begin with
As if I dreamed you up

And then you're gone
You leave with your promises and your lips
Your whispers and your desire

And then you're gone
Without a backward glance
You leave your ghost as my lover
And I miss you
God how I miss you
Aug 2015 · 700
Cloey Olson Aug 2015
You're my angel in the quiet
When it's silent
But I hear your voice for miles
Every smile
Touches mine
In a firework of daisies
What made me
Fall for you like a lazy
Cool summer night
And you're the stars that shine the brightest.
Yes, you, you are the one
My sun
And my lover
I swear there's no other
Your fingerprints are my compass
Your heart is my moon
You're the tune
I want stuck
On repeat.
Cloey Olson Aug 2015
My heart quivers for you
If you think he's your prince,
I beg you to listen
He's not.

He'll bring you flowers
Surprise you at work
Write you poetry
You'll be on cloud 9.
He'll stuff you with promises
Confess boldly his love
You'll be saturated

In lies.
They're lies.
Please listen.
You'll wake up one day,
Physically and emotionally
Because his 'princess' became his 'stupid hor' from his lips and his fist
He will break you.

He will make you and then he will break you.
Shatter that tiara to pieces.
He does not love you.
It is not love.

And I shake for you.
You are far too precious for his greedy hands.
Please hear me say to you in a voice I wish I had found when I was you

Run, darling... Run, run, run.
Don't look back and run.'
The Walmart girl
Aug 2015 · 267
Cutting Edge
Cloey Olson Aug 2015
Cutting edge
Like the back of his hand
Slice through my cheek
And I'll make you understand
Aug 2015 · 254
Cloey Olson Aug 2015
Touch me like glass

Let me fall for you gently
Take me down with feathers of trust
Breathe me in like wind
Fall for me with a hush

Touch me like glass
Jul 2015 · 455
stay as stone
Cloey Olson Jul 2015
It’s scary to show someone your scars
Especially if they’re the one who made them
And I shook
My fragile hand shook as I placed his hand over my bruised eyelid
‘Feel,’ I whispered into his ear, ‘don’t just touch’. My voice trembled, but I continued,
‘Don’t just look at it. See it. Do you see this?’
One tear trickled down over my bruised, swollen face.
I swallowed
And watched his eyes
Watched his hands
Watched his heart
Jul 2015 · 308
Cloey Olson Jul 2015
All you could talk about was the hate.
The world that hated the poor boy who was insane.
The poor boy without a family.
Couldn’t you see me? I was right there.
I was right there next to you tracing the lines on your fingertips.
Right there beside you, memorizing the shape of your eyelashes.
The way your head turned slightly to the left when you smiled.
The shape of your jawline.
The feel of your heartbeat.
Couldn’t you see me? I was right there.
Jul 2015 · 350
Cloey Olson Jul 2015
Listen closely to the promises you make.
Watch. Wait.
You'll hear every one break.
Jul 2015 · 1.1k
While you were cheating...
Cloey Olson Jul 2015
While you lowered yourself onto her bed
I was running outside to pick you sunflowers
While you began to kiss her neck
I was writing you a love letter
While yours and hers breaths began to shorten
I was taking sure, steady footsteps towards your door
While you sank into pure ecstasy
I sank into shattering pain
Jul 2015 · 658
Cloey Olson Jul 2015
My dreams taste like you.
Sawdust and Rust.
Running. Caged.
Splintered, ****** passion.
Conviction for what I’d always known.

It isn’t you.
It can’t be you.
And I wanted it.
I wanted it to be you so bad.
Jun 2015 · 352
Cloey Olson Jun 2015
-Breathe into me the lies you swore were my reality-
Jun 2015 · 331
Cloey Olson Jun 2015
I know this part.
Was it the nightmare?
Or the sounds forming vowels behind my eyelids?
Breathe into me the lies you swore were my reality.
Because contortion was my secret place.
Masks are just an illusion for being fake when in this reality,
they’re the only truth we have left.
Let’s leave
I’ll bring my bruises and burdens
and we’ll take this jump together.
Selfishness is beautiful.
I’ll show you beautiful.
I’ll starve myself, right?
And then. And then.
Those two words.
Those two simple words,
‘And. Then.’
Maybe. We’ll live.
May 2015 · 903
I wasn't
Cloey Olson May 2015
Someday, I’ll see you and I won’t even flinch
The bruises will fade, and your clenched fist will ease
Someday, I’ll look at you and see just a boy
Not a man replaced by a demon, guns strapped to his back
I wasn’t a soldier
I wasn’t bloodied or combative
I was a nurse aid, your companion
But all you saw was someone to destroy
May 2015 · 405
I know
Cloey Olson May 2015
I know what destruction looks like.
I know chaos.
Panic of seeing his temper building.
Tears held back by a rickety bridge, because if they dare fall, he’ll use it against me.
Ask why I’m ‘making him the monster.’
‘Making him look bad.’
‘Making him the bad guy.’  

Have you ever met the boogie man?
This façade of a story we don’t believe anymore.
Child’s nightmares don’t collide with us.
Until, he’s there.
He’s there screaming in your ear
That you’re a worthless *******.
That you should go to Hell.
I know abuse.
I know the moment that you know he’ll snap
and you’re torn between
Desperately trying to save yourself
Or save him.
All you want is to help.
All you want is for your heart
to somehow overflow
into his stone-cold eyes and be
warm again.  

Someday, I’ll see you and I won’t even flinch
The bruises will fade, and your clenched fist will ease
Someday, I’ll look at you and see just a boy
Not a man replaced by a demon, guns strapped to his back
I wasn’t a soldier
I wasn’t bloodied or combative
I was a nurse aid, your companion
But all you saw was someone to destroy
May 2015 · 336
I didn't
Cloey Olson May 2015
I didn’t want to get a restraining order.
I didn’t want to report the abuse.
I didn’t want to slice each kiss
you gave me from my skin.
Hide the blue with tannish gold.
Force the one person I cared about into exile.  
I loved you to death.

I loved you to death.
Apr 2015 · 503
Cloey Olson Apr 2015
I thought I could give it to him.
I thought I could somehow transfer my joy to his clenched fists.
I thought I could sneak peace through the crevices of his crossed arms and steel face.  
When he hit me, I tried to let my fragile bruises touch his soul.
I tried to let my tears be the elixir to his life.
I tried to hold him when he was shaking. I tried to listen when he was screaming.
I wanted his fists to open so I could fill them with tenderness.
But his fist opened with a backhand slap.
And even the slaps I tried to caress for him to see someone cares. Someone loves.
I loved you, you *******.
I loved you so hard.
I ripped my own chest out with hopes somehow the blood would seep into your broken tears.
I tore out my own eyes with hopes somehow my blindness could lead to your sight.
I broke so you could live.
Died so you could try.
Lived in panic so you could live in peace.
Is it enough?
I thought I could do it.
I thought I could do it.
Apr 2015 · 422
Cloey Olson Apr 2015
Break slowly and deliberately
Feel each crack splinter down your spine
Let it shatter you completely

Contingent destruction
Feel yourself eradicate with bliss

And soon,
Through every annihilation
Every murderous end

Your ruination will lead
To your eventual mend.
Apr 2015 · 1.6k
You must be so proud..
Cloey Olson Apr 2015
You must feel so proud
Knocking girls to the ground with the clench of your fist
Couldn’t hold it in could you?
Scream in my ear
Until my eardrums bleed your name
Mama’s boy
Turned to the devil
Torture me like you’ve been tortured
My patience never runs dry right?
I’m your river of grace
For you to run dry
Shake me until you get rid of all your lies
Smack me to the ground
Straddle me into compliance
Break me and destroy me
Until you can be free
You must feel so proud
To be the man you are
Beating others up
To avoid your own reflection
Look in the ****** mirror
Face your brutal truth
The only person you’re lying to
Is you
Mar 2015 · 558
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
Some people just stick
And you don't know why
And you may have just met them once
Or talked for 5 minutes in the grocery line
Or maybe saw them in class for 2 months
And then one day
You have one conversation
And ****.
You know that person is gonna stick
You know in 2 years
You'll be dumped by your boyfriend
And you're going to think of them
That one stranger you somehow
Feel more connected to
Than your closest friends
And they stick
They just stick with you
It's the soul mate
That you know can never be
The most painful revelation
Of duct tape people
That only leave the sticky
Mar 2015 · 417
I'll love you
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
I'll love you like the rain
Let your dimples drop over me
In fresh moisture
And I'll breathe in your smile
Inhale your sweet droplets
You're my sanction of surrender
The type where I don't have to run in fear
I'll love you like my prison sentence
Cut 30 years short
Because you, darling, you saved me
I'll love you like my rescue
Coming after me
Building muscle by muscle
Sailing through every ocean and tide
Until you can be my Oceanside
Bring the sunshine
And the sweetest rain
I'll love you
I'll love you
I'll love you
Until you steal every tear
Hidden beneath my eyelids
And pour over me a new cloud
One of laughter and childlike delight
I'll delight in you
I'll love you
I swear to you
I'll love you
Somehow love you
Like you've loved me
Mar 2015 · 255
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
Please Stay
Mar 2015 · 435
Dark Spots
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
You always did love claws didn't you?
Sink into flesh
Let her whimpers be pleas for pain

But, wait. There's more.

I smell your pain
That's why I love you so much
With every scar you form down my back
With your vicious claws
I lap up lies where sincerity used to reside

Break me, Darling
Show me these 'dark spots' you love
I'll show you where your claw marks sank
I'll show you where you formed your first scar
Right into my veins
Trace down
Keep going

You'll find me there
At the pool of ****** lies
Where I tried so hard to retrieve your claws
And fill them with daisies

I climbed into your cave of darkness
I battled with you against your past
Where are you now
When Dark Spots line my body

Your scars will be my proof of how good claws really do
Mar 2015 · 413
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
-I'll   Hate   You   With   Every   Tear   That   Still   Loves   You-
Feb 2015 · 348
The Color Of...
Cloey Olson Feb 2015
Hippie Sabotage.
I’ll fight my way to destruction.
As if meteors were my heartbeat
and volcanoes were my stutter.
Each footprint was a disaster
and you were my one beat of solitude,
my one moment of grace.
Daisies in December. Lillies in February.
My thorns were the holes you gave back to me.
Green curtains of envy in your deceitful, hated eyes,
yet I’ll stare into them for an eternity.
‘Don’t cry. I’m right here.’
I’m right here where you want me.
Keep me as your dandelion,
Hate me as your rose.
I’ll turn the color of hatred
with every one of your blows.
Feb 2015 · 424
s c r e a m
Cloey Olson Feb 2015
Hair brushes in the wind like the blades through my fingers.
I swallow noisily, gather the courage to fight and scream.
Scream for you.
Scream for the fight.
The fight of wanting something, but you can’t get it done.
And the words bleed through my fingers.
I can’t control them, it’s a disease.
Your name is trapped in the pages.
It’s singing your anthem. ‘We’re a mess. We’re a mess. We’re a beautiful mess of people.’
Yet somehow, we’re still stuck here, coming undone.  

Hair brushes in the wind, like the ribbons of the past.
They stick to my fingers with regret the glue.
Blades poking through the crevices of the ice in shadowy graves.
Blades pinching through the nerves right when you thought you were healed.
Poke at the wounds. Make them bleed some more.
I’ll blast some blood through my system,
let the chords run their course.  
Coarse like your hands, that I terribly miss.
Coarse for my throat when I yelled you out of my system.
Bit by bit and scream by scream,
I’ll slowly, relentlessly
make you leave.
Feb 2015 · 528
Cloey Olson Feb 2015
Tears dry in a cake-like icing I licked off of you just last night. Time is fleeting. Moist and crusty in a terrifying tumble. I’ll stare at the ridges of this painfully white wall and crust you off of me, flake by flake, moist tear by moist tear, you’ll sink into these black sheets and float onto these whitewashed walls
Feb 2015 · 324
Cloey Olson Feb 2015
Keep   me    on   the   edge   of    phobia.
My delirium will serve as your ecstasy.
Jan 2015 · 995
Cloey Olson Jan 2015
Love her each and every scar
Trail kisses down her broken heart
Embrace her graceful, flawed soul
She doesn't need to be told again that she's a fool
Give her back her spirit
her fight
Fight for her, when she can't battle the night
Hold her when she's lost her mind
Promise her everything will be alright
And I swear to you
With every day that passes
You'll transform her into
What you knew she was
A princess
Jan 2015 · 666
Cloey Olson Jan 2015
I cut today
I hope that makes you smile
I hope the words you threw at me
Go back down your throat in bile
You bruised me on the outside
Every word slashed a little deeper
So why not make a scar
For every time you called me ‘keeper’
I’ll destroy myself
If it makes you feel better
I’d do anything for you
Except watch your life stutter
Stutter out of control
And I tried so hard to fix it
But you tore down the only one
That gave you back your spirit
Heart and soul
I bound to you
Love you until you mend
I swore to you
And I swear still
You are my beginning, middle and end
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