i do not want you.

i do not want your touch;
your hands skimming my hips, my sides
delicate fingers stroking black lace
reverently

i do not want your lips
on my jaw, my collarbone
my neck, my anywhere...
supposedly

i do not want your voice;
a soft whisper in the lamplit glow
that, even after you go, still hangs in the air
wistfully

i do not want you.
i do not want you.
(a mantra chanted under my breath, somewhat
doubtfully)

I'm a lost poet
in an ocean of words
it spins around my head
like a wrecking ball
as I try to find the right words
but they can no longer be found.

Anxiety, anxiety,anxiety
is like a twinge in my chest
I try to ignore it
but it goes into crescendo
as I inhale words into my body

Help me.
My eyes hollered
but all that they can see
is that forceful smile on my face

I feel
tears welling up in my eyes
I feel
a lump in my throat
yet no one knows
the pain
of a lost poet

As I age, as time drifts by,
I couldn't help but wonder,
how I lived like a lie.

Life is a movie, they say
a comedy, a theatrical play.
I watch as the stars glisten in the sky,
nobody knows how hard I try.

I try to live,
to please you
yet all you see
is a rebel who deceives you
and a loathsome flee.

Now, all that's left is a worn out soul,
a tired mind,
a lifeless role.
All I could do is apologise,
for the genius in me no longer lives by.