Spending a month in a hospital teaches you a lot about people.
The doctor that told me to shave my head or she wouldn't treat me,
The nurses that spent forever chatting to me
And giving me supportive advice about how my illness doesn't define me.
The woman who was given a terminal cancer sentence
And chose not to pay attention to it and defied it anyway.
How she sat next to me on my bed,
Told me that all suffering is valid,
And just because I'm not dying, doesn't mean I don't get to complain.
How she complains more about her skin problems
Than she ever complained about her cancer,
And that's OK, because pain rarely follows rules.
I never even learned her name,
But she gave me the words I hold most closely to me
On those days when I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
I'm allowed to scream and shout and rage against the pain
And the unfairness of it happening to me.
I just have to make sure I know where the line is
Between giving my darkness a voice and pitying myself.

The only part of my day
That I look forward to
Is when I go to bed
And lay there making up scenarios
In my head.

I think of comebacks
To 8th grade bullies.
I think of witty retorts
To my mother's snide comments.
I think of intelligent things to add
To conversations I had months ago.

I think of all the things
I was too scared to say.

And in my mind
I say them.
And pretend how things would be different
If only I had the courage to speak.

When I close my eyes at night,
When I lay on my bed, I
Hear Shadows and
See Voices.

I begin to scream in silence,
Pleading for my anonymous Lover,
Hiding Somewhere
To Save me,
I lay helpless without wings
As darkness falls,
Leaving me wandering in the dark hours.

I slowly espied through my windows,
Like a princess waiting for a serenade coming from the Northern Winds.
Can I wait through out the night?
This night is getting too long,
I need a friend,
Someone to carry me in his wings to lands unknown.
Or maybe I could swing from the Chandelier,
And find myself on your Shores.

And
Here he comes,
To Save me from the hands of loneliness.
Opening my eyes,
It was nothing
But an imagination,
Here I am, again waiting for a serenade to
Come with in search for me,
For cold is the winds that comes from the Southern Pole.'

Please don't apologise,
Please don't come back for me,
I have to move on now,
But I'm isolated,
You've trapped me and I'm stuck,
Why won't you let me go?
Is it because you care?
If so, you don't show it.
Hitting, slapping, ******...
That's not how to love.
That is how to abuse.

Now, do as I say.
Don't make a sound.
Don't move a muscle.
That's how I want you to stay forever.