Does every night consummate in **** and *******?
Is all innocence lost?
Can I find a twinkling of a care for purity in my soul?
Or am I lost in the throws of death?

And what will it get me but a few strokes of joy
Followed by the degradation of my heart.

W-o-m-a-n calls to me…
Do I answer her cry for me.
My imagination is spinning a tale
That will make me reason to pop open my laptop by my bed.

Jesus said:
“Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

So too must I stay awake and fast and pray
until this desire goes away
just as the flesh dies.

You’re being replaced with other attention now.
I’m finally talking with other women.
I realize now that you were a huge section of my time at one point.
That’s what made us a couple.
It’s when I left the country and our talking faded into small chats
And then arguments, stress, conflict.

I’m jaded by our divorce.
It makes me have little hope of another marriage.
It even makes me not want to spend time on trying to make another one.

But I might only be kidding
Since I’m really just waiting for my new friend to message me back.
New relationships have so little webbing it’s hard to tell if they exist.

I’ve seen enough **** and ***** for a lifetime.
It’s growing old now.
It’s a mix of lust, addiction, and fantasy.
Mixed together seeing the same thing
And not having love.
It’s confusing and misplaced attention.

I grasp for you,
But if I handle you too much you dissolve.
You are far and I welcome you into me.

Your white face used to be so good to me.
Now I’m burned by your look
And fade into nothingness in your presence.

Thinking of each other is safe
As long as we don’t put too much attention there.
When we cross that line my heart is left foolish
As though I’ve broken a law or moral code.

Nothing is so sweet as when I think of you with a smile
Smiling back at me.
Was it something I did to merit your happiness?

Flesh and bone
Commitment and honor
Are all gone now.
What is left is the emptiness we show each other
And happiness for now.

I no longer long for your hand,
But long for your happiness
Even in a hug from you if you are happy.

But if you are cold today a hug will cause pain.
What did I make you think of?
Was it my insanity or jailing that you remember now?
Or was it that all the pain is gone and that you’re glad I’m no longer close?
This gladness is bitter anguish – not being liked.
But you tolerate me, something my sister and friends do as well.

Warm days sitting inside.
Am I waiting for something?
I got my faith by my side
And whatever comes my way is fine
even if I’m not comfortable with it,
Because I know that in time everything becomes okay.

Thinking of you still…
Trying to connect.
Connection to you releases emotion for me
Whether or not you like seeing my words.

I think of you as a dear friend and not just a friend.
It’s not because of any connection we have now,
But due to our past.

You’re across the world
and I still want to open your heart to love
even if it’s not love for me.

I want to make you smile.

The silence of non-attachment.
Living in the satisfaction of now.
Old arrows pierce my skin,
Yet not allowing them to penetrate my mind.

Yet I’m trying to push myself to be better,
But better is relative
And I’m abiding in eternity in non-action.

I go to work, eat, sleep,
Communicate, read, and entertain myself,
Yet not attaching to a better reality:
Such as a better body, a keener mind
Or a more pure soul
I’m thanking God for my existence just the way I am
Knowing that the only place to be is now.