my heart never aches for hearts ive never known
selfishness is something ive learnt to live with
holding apathy close like a positive trait
like loneliness is a medal to be proud of
but i know its not

fear tastes like metal on skin
and ive grown to hide things in plain sight just to avoid letting anyone in
my mind is like a broken computer
loading
loading
never letting
neverending
forever pending

supposing that these things are irrelevant
id bet on letting people i love go
though id rather have feeling gone
then being alone

if He could only spare a minute of time
to listen to my damp shoes on pavement
or the way i never seem to look someone in the eye
maybe then
he'd show a sign

perhaps the fighting ceases where another war begins

my depression has become so apparent that it goes unnoticed
that thought terrifies me

ive become so good at acting like i understand how my mind works
maybe so good that it believes me
ive gotten so bad with words
that i cant recognize my own writing

its getting harder and harder to scribble out just one letter
its been months
im not doing any better

sometimes she cries when she prays
think she's got it all worked out
sometimes the ocean only waves
never stays

she couldve held me through this
i know i dont deserve it
but ima still be selfish

im trying to be the good one here
but its so hard to hear anyone cheer me on
im working on it alright
wearing the same clothes twice
forgetting to eat
letting my phone die

"what are you going to do when im not around?"
my mind only drifts to the sound
you'll let me out
keep my mouth shut
eyes on the floor
my back to the door
can't tell anybody anything anymore

feel like youre hating me more and more

i am far from finding home here

the letters my eyes have skimmed from my brain

are all wishing me farewell

even the clouds wave me away

this path is better walked alone

and nothing i say is ever set in stone

no deadlines are due

nothing i say gets to you

or is said in truth

comfort is a fleeting nostalgic feeling
maybe my comfort 
is when I’m uncomfortable 

let my heartbeats lead the way

in time with my steps

forget everything you’ve ever learned
don’t reminisce in the voices 
you’ve never heard

im tired of trying my best for people who wont for me
im tired of feeling out of place in a place i never asked to be
I have not looked anyone in the eyes for weeks
living isnt living if you're losing

my mother asked me if i wanted to speak
i told her
i never want to have to speak
never wanted to be asked to speak
only statements can be said to me
questions make me seem weak

do you know what it feels like
not to recognize a thing?

the sound of my own voice has never been so distant
ive never felt so less selfish

she said
not to pity myself
i said
there is nothing to pity
i am fine
but everything else isn't

the incline is so much shorter than the fall
i wish i could physically touch
the thing holding me up

maybe then we wouldnt feel so far apart

no no
stop wasting your own time
but im so good at it!
im in love with a love thats not real
in love with feeling like a big ******* deal

its always me for me or
me versus me
if none of me wins
then whos to blame

if all me's in this
then why does me
feel so worthless

is it apathy if i
feel apathetic?
is all i am just
a walking contradiction?

i cant justify the sound of my own footsteps
but i can justify hers
or some random strangers

if it takes 21 days for a habit to stick
how the hell do i make happy a habit
nothing feels like a feeling to me


if nothing is a feeling and isnt
then what does it feel like?