They call my name and I fall
Falling, Falling yes Falling
It has me feeling quite tall

You call my name and I fall
Falling, falling, yes Falling
I shrink to the ground, feeling small

And hey deadname
I hate your stupid guts
You ruined everything and anything
there's no one else to blame

And oh my God
I'm sorry for fixing your
mistakes
I didn't know you'd mind so much

Now people look at me differently
They seem to pray to you God
"Change her" they ask of you intently

spewing hate and judgement gently
It only hurts if it has sharp edges
Sugar coated pills I take daily

And hey deadname
I hate your stupid guts
You ruined everything and anything
there's no one else to blame

And oh my God
I'm sorry for fixing your
mistakes
I didn't know you'd mind so much

Colors cover my body and brain
Sticky thoughts, sticky hands
But I'm the one to blame

I treat the sickness you gave
Without your sugar coated drug
acceptance is what I crave

I always thought diplomas should be golden

Or maybe the papers that hold high ACT scores

For years you study and stress and hold in

All for these papers to decide your open doors

I know some who put their worth on it

Like this test is everything they are and will be

For a time, I believed that too I must admit

Truth is, I am not smart on paper and where does that leave me?

I spent to much time thinking I was dumb

I am a highly intelligent being just not on what they test for

My life can’t rest on test scores because I’d succumb

My feet would slip into the depths stuck underneath society’s floor

I love myself until I don't
I am sure that I won't
until the moment I do
I am happy off the pills and diet
until others keep quiet
and another moment so am I

I've seen people know wrong
yet they are gray and cold
They turn blind eyes
Letting wrong go along
Their excuse for it all,
"It is what it is. I can't change it"
Kids watch and learn to get old
doing nothing to help change the world
"what can you do"
I can speak against it, I can shine a light
It can’t stay in the dark as something we mutter under our breath
The moment we accept it as something unchangeable
Is the moment it becomes unchangeable

I wasn't mad that you left
Time apart is beneficial
and I won't make you stay
It was the fact you lied
It was the fact you didn't let me know
how you felt, why you ignored me, anything
So when you decided it was time,
that you wanted to come back to friends
I was and am bitter and unforgiving
You didn't communicate when I tried
So hear me when I communicate
Kindly let me go, go back to nothing

When your body is full of blades
You can rely on the right aids
Meet Sarah she has a lap to sit
I made a pillow as a gift
She also has wheels that roll
When people don't move we bowl

Then there is Cain
He is, in fact a cane
He is always there to lean on
Some say he is plain
So I gave him pictures I've drawn
My favorite is the black swan

I love my mobility aids
and some days
I don't need my aids
I use what I need for that day
So if you see me with Sarah or Caine
You can always wave, "Hey"

You said friends
I said lovers
You said chance
I said lovers
You said lovers

I said romance
You said passion
I said hugs
You said skin

You said friends
I said friends
Then you left
and I said LIAR

I bought a barbie doll yesterday
She looked so pretty
I've stared from afar wishing to rewind
to go back to innocent play
I cast aside my dolls to early
Oh, what if kids were more kind?
Would I have kept my dolls that day?

I am slowly dissolving into the water
my hair soaks up the cool freshness
my tears fall onto the clear mirror
ripples and small tides follow

I let myself sink deeper as skin becomes hotter
my body soaks in the cool freshness
my tears rise into the clear skies
the clouds come colored in grey hollow

I rise to the skies into stormy clouds
my body dissolves into tiny droplets
my tears fall onto the shaded world
the water again begins to pool

When sun comes so do the crowds
their bodies cool in the freshwater
their smiles shine in the bright light
and I forget how life can be so cruel

Desperation
it changes you
Frustration
it forces you
Damnation
I refuse
Foundation
I choose
*******
for making me
Desperate
Frustrated
and ******
I'll make my own way
out of this hell
without you

You hate me, do you not?
Sickness you breathe into me
Political wars you form
I see that smile of glee
I know you hate me world
I don't know if God knows it
But sickness was always here
I hate me, do you not?

Am I to young for this?
The hate I see unveiled
It spreads like the sickness
Am I too young for this?
My body is weak and hurt
It begs for forgiveness
Are we to young for this?

I feel the fire spread
It eats my body inside
I feel my shell bleed

My thirst grows as the cup flows
If I drink
My lips will turn red as a rose
If I drink
My thirst will not learn to slow
So I bite my tongue
and I say
"keep me safe, keep me safe"

Her black eyes burn like coal;
a small flicker of light
that can set you aflame.

You wonder, how did she gain control?
Your heart and money are hers in one night,
but she's gone and it's a shame.

I guess it's true you can't take hold of a flame.

I watch from tree tops
at the forrest below
I have seen everything grow
from the hare to the fox

Now a winter creeps in
A lake begins to freeze
The cold seems to ***** at skin
I worry my flowers will never be seen

So I flutter and squawk
Wishing for someone to gawk
Is it too late to be known?
Someone stop

I don't want to be alone
No kids to give my garden
To show what is behind that stone
The cold is sharpened

My wings no longer move
My frozen flowers

Watch her go, watch her fall
She can say no, she can bawl

Yet, she continues to dance
she tries to keep them entranced

"Let me earn your praise, your love"
She forgets her wings to fly above

Her once shining wings
that had drawn in kings,

now are dull and weak
She's burnt out

Time is nothing more than a memory
My time is broken
It's been a month since I've breathed
It's been a month since I've seen

Time is nothing more than memory
Memory is my broken time
It's been a month since I've been heard
It's been a month since I've been seen

Time is just something I puzzle together
I am a part of someone I can't even remember
It's been a life of dissociation
It's been a life of splitting

My view of time is like flashes of a movie
Seeing parts of a story I create, yet
Never seeing it all come together
Never knowing the story of this body in full

Despite it all I love my altered view
I get to see the self-love within a mind
I watch the struggles and wins in here
and when I need to serve on front lines I will

This is the broken mind of a child
We are working together to be a machine
We are working to become a funcional army
Life has been war to us all and we are strong

If there is anything I wish people knew
It would be I am not someone scary like in "Split"
Some may think it's impossible though, I'm fake
But I'm here, don't underestimate what a mind will do to keep you safe

When death takes my hand
           I will hold yours in my other
              And promise to find you in every afterlife
                      I promise to find you in every life and chance I have

I will fight to kiss you again, to hold you again, to see you just another time. Forever and always.

My body breaths, eats and walks
Yet, I hate my breath, how I eat and walking
When I breath it's labored
like my lungs never are fulfilled
When I eat I must be slow
like I'm about to burst
When I walk I'm in pain
like my legs are stiltes cracking
My body is not how I knew it

I hate my body as it seems so limited
I'm not even in my twenties
How can I grow to love my body?

I hate my body as no-one sees my limits
I'm not seen as someone who needs help
How can I grow to simply ask to use the elevator?

The world goes on around me
disconnected
I watch as I'm unnoticed
neglected
A glance; I don't recognize me
reflected
My struggles they go
undetected
I'm working on being
connected
It can be hard when you aren't
accepted
It can be hard when you had to be
disconnected
It's the only way to survive I know
Dissociated

I close my eyes to listen
The wind caresses me
The trees whisper
The birds sing a melody
My eyes do not open

I blindly reach to feel
The winds whistle
The trees shake
The birds fly off
My hand finds the surface

I pull myself to live
The winds push me
The Trees gossip
The birds ignore me
My body is alive

I know they prefer me dead
The casket broke
The lies of "normal" are no more
The forcing of my mask no more
My eyes are open

At the table sit the able and fittest of society
Whether that be true or not does not matter
As they think of only others like them
The able and fit in society to benefit
And what of those not as able or fit?
They are forgotten, they have no place to sit
So a society stays benefiting only the "normal"
While the lives are gawked at and hurdlers bigger for the "abnormal"

Am I lost or am I finding myself?
My feet carry me forward
Like I know the way
I don’t know the destination

Am I confused or am I confident?
My ears hear others call me lost
I continue like I know the way
I don’t know the destination

Am I finding myself in confidence?
My path is not easy or clear
I continue to find my way
I have many destinations to discover

Fire burns bright and warm
It’s orange hue casted across the earth
Warming the day and resting on her face

A shadow casted behind; the shape her perfect form
In that dark a mother brings life in birth
Her coolness brings peace and grace

Soon she will leave again
Even now the space is too much
I long to trace her face with my fingers
But because I give life, I can also bring death

You I can never hold
You I can never kiss
You I may destroy
So, watch from here I must
You I impossibly love

It echoes around me
there's no looking back
I'm leaving the cave
her name lines the walls
She is just an echo
The past fades
We are an echo

I am ensnared by you
My lungs burn
My eyes clouded
My struggling stops
Your love is like a thorn
Pricking my skin
As I bleed I give you a band-aid
I speak what I notice
You have no will to change
Your stuck in a storm
I try to pull you out
But you choose to throw yourself back in
I know you can change
I know you can get better
I'm too tired, I have my own wounds
I have to save myself before I help you
But how can I leave?
I know you'll only spiral down more
but what about me?
Who do I put first?

In the dark I lived
In the dark I despised
Only catching glimpses of light
Through the cracks
Brief moments of over-excitement
Moments that had me deceived

But that isn’t my life
The darkness is not me
Breaking through to the light
Through the cracks
A lasting feeling of incitement
This is not a moment, this is a change

In the light I live
In the light I love
Only moments of shadows
From the clouds
I am stable, full of encouragement
I reach out, I reach to live

I am searching, I am seething
I am looking for the answers to why
"Bad things just happen to good people"
"This will make you stronger"
I know this might sound like a lie
but it didn't make me stronger
I'm just a kid

I was supposed to be protected
Milk was supposed to make me stronger
None of it was true for me
My trauma hiders my life
My body has been getting weaker
I'm just a kid

Now I am always affected
I won't push myself to break any longer
None of your opinions chain me
My trauma is mine to deal with
My body is mine to grow to love
And I'm just a kid

I am searching, I am seething
I am shouting the answers to why
Bad things happened and I can't be like you
I have made myself stronger
Hear me, my life is not a lie
I deserve to live a good life
I am not just a child

So many walk around with their eyes closed
The masks cover the silent screams
Are we scared of what will be exposed?
How many are stuck in their own dreams

When you open your eyes, what do you see?
Will it make any one of us free?

Cold nights are my bittersweet song
It's where I feel as if I belong
It's where I no longer need to be strong
It's when I can cry, scream and curse the wind
The night is mine as I stay in it for so long

Moonlight light's up my bittersweet song
The paper says I do not belong
The paper says I am not strong
The paper is now gone
The night is mine as I stay in it for so long

The night rain has washed it away
The puddles wet my feet washing the mud away
The puddles soak my clothes ******* the warmth away
The puddles shine the moon back making my frown go away

Every word sends waves in my brain
I can close my eyes and see the rain
the beat thrums with my heart
sometimes it's all I have when nothing else remains

words, I read them
they are stuck in my brain
words, I know who they are from
speak, but I stay in my lane

words, they slice my thumbs
sliding them across the screen
words, what have they made me become?
speak, but I'm only a teen

words, they made me succumb
can someone know my pain
words, can I ask someone to come
speak, "I need help to stay safe and sane"

Smiles are for
the days
you spend with
the best of friends

Smiles are for
the ways
that person
makes amends

Smiles are for
the rays
of sunlight
driving shadows

Smiles are for
the blaze
of fireworks
as it all ends

Smiles are for how it all ends,
the bittersweetness that life is.

Childish innocence broken
I cut my finger on the glass

When it's broken
you see past yourself

It's okay I am outspoken
my voice I won't pass

Speak to the heartbroken
another snake in the grass

Empathy unbroken
new history for the bookshelf

The past impacts
our future
and
our future
will be our past.

The weight seems to squeeze the air from your lungs
its a feeling that stays, doesn't it

The sharpest weapons are tongues
but they are also the kindest tools

The wielder of a mighty tool brings peace
so listen to the simple still non-still of earth

Breath in deep and use the kindest tool you have on you.

I wonder do we ever know who we are because it seems to me everyone is searching for more.

They try to grasp at more of themselves discovering as they discover the world.

Spending time with freinds discovering more about one another.

I'm in the same boat looking into the mirror questioning myself to search for more within.

What lies beneath this skin?

My head sunk beneath
the water passing my teeth
Blinking my eyes in the deep blue
Strangely I felt like I could fly
Maybe if I flew I could touch the sky
The sound of serene green
The sea seems to wash away,
what was left of me
My soul now flies high
Soaring above the blue-green sea
My eyes looking all around
I am free
I am now reborn as a flying bird

I'm drowning
I can't explain it better
My struggles are above my head
Maybe i'd be better of dead
then I remind myself again
Don't listen to your brain
You'll be okay
Just take another breath in

I can feel it
the poison spreading
I need you to
fall into my lies
No-one knows what's going on
They don't think I need help
Do you see it?
the poison spreading
Doctor, doctor!
You're killing me slow

I trusted you
I thought you spoke truth
I now know
You only whispered lies
Filling up my head with deceit
Now you can sleep in the street
I'm feeling worthless
Because you broke your promise
You spent the night in someone else bed
I trusted you not to cheat
But I was just a piece of cake to you
Now your just a piece of meat
to me, to me, to me