to the boy who hardly speaks but has the eyes of a wolf
you have brought all emotions to me all at once
and despite your ignorance, i am captivated
the world shifts and creates a surrounding
filled nothing but my thoughts and my feelings
although attaraction is invalid,
i remain hopeful
and even though distance itself is a hindrance
our bodies are far more of a wide range of space
rather than a union of souls
our gravity differs
mine is so much of a pull
and yours is more like a push
we end up in different locations
navigation is nothing
and our minds spiral in a different way
sparks of color
shatter of glass
sun rays
moonlight
rotations like head aches
my heart aches
i have nothing to do but bleed
bleed through the sheets soaked in regrets
bleed through water i'm drowning in
bleed through the papers i've been torturing with my pen
bleed throught the void
hoping to start again
bleed with all my might
for the pain is too much to bear
and love is nothing but fear
and scars and death
to me
i believed in the figments
the holograms that bloomed out of my mind
i believed in it so much
i became too distracted to realize
that you started to be one
i started to be one
and what is left is nothingness
a black hole
and the stars i used to align are now erased from history
all those heavenly bodies obliterate
breaking out of its cosmic cages
and the chains break
your teeth grit
your eyes pierced through me

i bleed once more

i bleed until there's nothing left

you left me clueless
bitten
broken

unsure

“The sun died every night
just to let the moon breathe.”

I shivered, as whispered screams and silent pain of fragmented hearts
Pierced through the atmosphere of comfortable lies and prison bars
Looking down upon streets filled with hushed crying in locked cars
******* the words “I’ve been left” in my palm filled with glass shards
I am looking at the moon, and I am reminded that there is still someone
That touches my soul and feeds me emotions when I thought I had none
I am looking at the moon.

It is 2:58 am and I am writing this to expel your fingerprints from my body
Because your being has covered my skin with memories of love and beauty
The dead beating of my heart cannot forget how it felt when you came near
How the mere mention of your name caused my eyes to only see you clear
I am looking at the moon, with its silver skin, gleaming light and mesmerizing craters
And I am reminded of what we were, how we were beautifully imperfect chapters
I am looking at the moon, again.

It is 3:15 am and I am still trying to forget how a love so beautiful can crumble
My heart’s still pumping blood that seems to heat when your image tumbles
We were something real; *we were lost fingertips that found home in each other’s palms
But time was too weak to grasp a love so soft, a love that resembles seas that were calm
You were the moon and I was an ocean, and I willingly let you pull at my veins
Causing a tidal wave of memories and unspoken words that left me insane
I am looking at the moon, still.

It is 3:41 am and I am still thinking about your hands and how they held an atlas
How you memorized maps of my surface and how beautiful things don’t really last
We were something beautiful and true and something that was bound to break
Our love was a forest of mixed rose bushes and thorns that time wanted to take
But don’t worry about me, the moon still listens, its light still glistens on my scars
And I can close my eyes knowing that *you and I still cry under the same moon.
So I will look at the moon, for as long as needed,
until your hands
aren’t my home
**anymore.

Hollowed eyes straining
Typing mindlessly into the white screen
Letters,
a line
a curve
a sound
Letters treated like saliva in our mouths
A never-ending supply that you can eternally spit out
Spit on faces
on egos
on personalities
& into souls
The blank looks on our faces
Displaying vulnerability with words
Love letters, suicide notes, all the same
Just a mix and match of only 26
Shuffled to create a medley of messages
Enough to capture a heart
to water the eyes
to transform a character
You read back and realize…
Your words were nothing
They were merely a reflection of our shallow generation
The youth that speaks only of narcissism and flaws
The 26 letters wasted for the title of “popular”
wasted for the action of “fitting in”
wasted for the heart of the “love of your life”
26 is a huge number
Love is a huge word
Master this analogy and you can bloom in the world
People fear to not be accepted
My fear is my inability to put together a combination of 26 letters
One that has the ability to encompass the infinite possibilities
I fear to absorb this world’s dislocation of priorities
15 years with the same 26 letters
My words; altered
My mind; modified
And my mouth finally says:
I
want
to
*inspire

March 17, 2014
4:17 pm

This.
This was the moment that changed everything.
When we reached the finish line of being friends
and the starting point of being lovers.
I remember how you made me feel like a prized possession.
Like I was a stuffed toy that you have finally got out of the crane machine.
I remember how you made me feel so wanted the first time that we met.
I remember how it felt when we first locked gazes and how it didn't feel like the normal stare, not physically but spiritually.
I felt your gaze pierce down to my soul
because it felt like you knew what I was really needy for.
I remember how the first texts were like, harmless flirting here and there,
you were slowly making your way into my heart.
I remember how everything changed when you started calling me baby.
It felt so right, so sweet, until I felt literally like a baby;
like you were a grown-up who knew so much more than I did
and all i could do was listen, all I could do was agree.
I didn't know how it happened, it just did.
You seemed like the perfect guy, everything you said was the exact response that I wanted but yet you managed to surprise me every time.
You made me feel special.

I remember how it felt when you said my name,
like the letters were just hidden under your tongue
because you've spent years practicing on how to say it.
I remember how my name sounded
like a melodious song every time it escaped your lips.
You made me feel like a prized possession.
Like a stuffed toy pulled out of a crane machine.
You didn't pick me because I was the best,
only because I looked like I was the easiest one to pull out,
one that you were sure wasn't going to slip from your experienced hands.
You knew I wasn't smooth enough to slip because I showed you how rough my skin was, how my scars looked like train tracks on my skin.
Looked like border lines on my surface, craters made by bullets,
turned my body into a war zone.
A prize, a glistening trophy with no use,
only displayed on a cabinet to make you look good, to make people see that you've achieved something. I was merely something pretty to look at.
Every minute that we weren't speaking was like a rope tied around throat
unabling me to speak, like a rope tied around my feet,
around every criss and cross of my body unabling me to walk,
to move from a place other than where you wanted me to be.

I finally learned the difference between stupidity and ignorance.

I was stupid to not realize that it was all just an act.
Just something to butter me up, to soften me into submission.
Because at the age of 14 it was easy to love you.

It was easy to pretend that you meant it
when you said you loved me back.

And I was stupid enough to give you an inside view of my soul,
I gave you pieces of my insecurities only to find you feeding off of them,
like a vampire feeds off a person's neck,
uses their allure to get what they want.
My insecurities gave you strength.
You used my fears as as a fuel, and my body was a map.
I was stupid enough to let you inside my thoughts.
But I knew.
I only kept ignoring the fact
that the only place you wanted to be was between my thighs.
I kept pretending,
kept ignoring the fact that you were only looking for an easy ****.

You wove your every I love you into a blanket, securing me,
making me feel safe from all those monsters under the bed,
from all the monsters inside my head,
telling me I wasn't ******* enough for you,
telling me that I am just another one of your play things,
just another one of your toys,
and that you go through girls
like you go through clothes.
The voices told me that I was no different than them.
That you would soon discard me
like a piece of gum that has lost its flavor.
Those three words were like fire,
keeping me warm, those three words were so beautiful
though my state was so pitiful.
I did not know I was moving too close until I got burnt.
Until I found myself cold without you,
you destroyed me.
The blood in my veins freezes, stopped circulating,
I wasn't able to function because I realized
that you were the player and I was the game.
You made me need you.
I let you put your hand inside my chest, clawing out my heart,
then breaking it.
I was a stitched up rag doll learning her parts as she loses them.
You left me with shards of broken glass that seemed to be irreparable.

But the worst thing of all was that on the night you gave up on me,
I gave up on myself too.