I remember watching Perks of Being A Wallflower in high school and hearing the quote “You accept the love you think you deserve” for the first time.

I remember going home and googling the quote, unable to understand the deep meaning behind it.

I remember wondering why everyone who saw the movie raved over the quote.

But I get it now.

I am a product of it.

I’ve avoided this feeling for so long. In fear that if I put it into words it would make it come true. But I’ve known for awhile now.

I am loved.
I am cared for.
I love.
I care.
It should be enough.
I want it to be enough.

But the monster that lives inside me craves more. They will not leave me alone.
I remind the monster that I don’t deserve it.
I tell the monster that after everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve done, I need to be happy with what I have.
I continue to keep the monster at bay. Refusing to let it consume me and search for something greater.
I urge the monster to leave. Beg even.

I am happy. I need that to be enough.

I’ve made my bed.
I will lie in it.

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a risk taker when it comes to love.

The hopeless romantic in me has gotten me into trouble in the past.

But why when it comes to you, was I so **** cautious?
Unable to take that leap. Even years later.

I fight between a number of reasons.
Knowing there’s truth behind each one of them.
Some more than others.

1- You deserve better.
2- I will always be the person that hurt you and to live with that daily reminder would eat me alive.
3- You are better than me in almost every single way and I don’t think my insecurities could handle being less than.
4- I was scared that I would fall into old habits, dark feelings swallowing me whole, reminding me of the past.
5- I was scared to crave toxicity only to end up hurting you again.
6- I was scared. Period.

I have lived so many lives.
Pictured so many different futures for myself.

I have been the victim.
I have been the villain.
I have burned every past version of myself.

My current version is the only life I want to live.
The life where love comes naturally.
The life where I chose safety and comfort with no regrets.
The life where I try and try and try.

The problem is I can’t burn the old versions that live inside my head.
Almost every single night I dream.
Each dream has the same message.
One where I am with an old version of myself.
One where I do life differently.
One where I keep seeing him. Or him. Or him.

But I’m angry.
It’s not fair that my old versions can live freely in my dreams.
With no remorse.
With no consequences.

It’s as if my dreams visit as a daily reminder that I will never escape my past.

I have grown so accustomed to these dreams, I wake up every morning saying “hello old friend”.

Knowing this is my penance.

I can finally say that I’m happy with the life that I’ve built for myself

I can finally see a future that doesn’t scare the **** out of me

One that I would be happy with

But that doesn’t stop myself from thinking
And dreaming
And wondering

And knowing
That things could be different

It was easier thinking you hated me
Thinking that the ivy you planted in me was rotten from the ground up
Turning each leaf brown as time passed

But I forgot that ivy is resilient
It doesn’t take much for it’s leaves to grow back

With each leaf that grows inside of me I have to remind myself of why I must not tend to it

Why I must ignore the ivy

Because I did not care for my plant years ago
Because I am bound to **** it again, eventually
Because maybe if I pretend it’s not there, it’ll grow in an environment more deserving


Because I can not stop staring at the dead leaves on the ground serving as my daily reminder that I am the cause of that

You say let’s meet up to see if there’s still something there

I can’t respond
I won’t respond

I will not let myself repeat the past
As much as I want to be selfish
As much as I’m dying to be reckless
With you

You say let’s meet up to see if we’re still us

The difference is

I don’t need to see you again
To know that we are.

I was not prepared
Seeing you for the first time in years felt like the air was punched right out of me
I’m not sure if I pretended well enough
I’m not sure I care

If this was years ago, I would’ve talked to you
I would’ve texted you after
Not caring where you were at in life
Where I’m at…

I’ve always been selfish with my feelings
I’m trying not to be
I kept my space
Until I heard my name being called to come join everyone

I couldn’t stop looking up at the stars
Or lack there of

I couldn’t stop telling myself that this is what I deserve
This feeling of regret

And instead of making it known
Trying to fix it
Or get what I could back

I just keep reminding myself that I need to leave us there
in the past
and continue moving forward

I will not disrupt lives for my own selfish feelings

I only wonder how long you’ll be visiting me in my dreams
Like my own form of torture.

I go through days where I feel as though I don’t deserve this love, this life.

I try my best to remember that the abuse I endured was real and damaging.

That what I went through would’ve affected anyone who stood in my shoes the same way.

I can accept the abuse
I have accepted it a long time ago.

I just can’t seem to accept how long my healing journey took me and the people I hurt along the way.

I had been unknowingly lying to myself and others thinking I was fine when I in fact was far from it.

The truth is, I was so used to feeling that way that I thought it was normal. Now 7 years later I can only describe it as feeling like a foggy version of myself.

I thought because I wasn’t in my room crying, I was fine. I figured because I still had a social life, I couldn’t be traumatized.

I ended up subconsciously accepting the love I thought I deserved and then got upset and blamed my partner when it turned out to not be the love I wanted in the end.

I turned away the love I knew that I wanted but was too scared to feel, only I turned away too late, after the damage was already inflicted.

I can forgive myself for enduring the abuse for far longer than I should’ve.

I can not forgive myself for hurting others through my journey of healing.

I have lived most of my adult life living in a constant state of anxiety.

After finally feeling as though I have conquered my relationship anxiety, I feel anxious about things I’ve never thought of before.

I used to compulsively think and worry about whether or not my partner is the one, if I will end up divorced or childless, if I should break up with my partner, if I should fix things with an old partner, etc.

Now, I am simply anxious about death.

I feel so content in my relationship for the first time but my brain still somehow finds a way to ruin me.

It’s laughing at me saying “Now you’ll get to worry about not making it to see your happiest days.”

It has made my OCD skyrocket. I am compulsively acting in ridiculous behaviors because my brain is telling me that if I don’t, my partner or I will die.

It feels as though I am being punished for making all of those mistakes between the years of my abuse and now.

It’s fine, I deserve it and more.
It’s fine, I can handle it and more.

Years ago you walked into my life
I can still picture what you were wearing

It popped up as a memory on Snapchat
Like a punch in the gut

The feeling I had was indescribable
To think that it has been that long

I think the feeling I was hit with was regret
Or maybe nostalgia? I’m not sure

I know it’s something I’ll live with forever
I will be married with kids and still get hit with that same feeling if your name is brought up

Don’t get me wrong I don’t miss the past
I don’t miss what we went through
What I put you through

But I think I will always miss… you
Your humor
Your kindness
Your selflessness
Our endless conversations
Our craving each others attention

I still check up on you every now and then
More often than I’d like to admit
And no it’s not how you think

I check to see if you’re okay
Which I guess is a hard thing to tell over social media but
I check to see if you’re having fun with friends
I check to see what funny tweets you retweet (we really did have the same sense of humor)
I check because I need to know that you’re happy
So that the guilt doesn’t eat away at me as much
So maybe I am still being selfish in that way

My only saving grace is knowing how great of a person you are
Knowing you will (or already have) found happiness again in someone else

I know now we have too much history to ever get back what we had
Or could’ve had

I don’t believe in soulmates
But I do believe we were put together for a reason
“right person wrong time”
to teach us a lesson

And **** did I learn that lesson.

People don't talk enough about the aftermath of abuse
Reflecting on the last 6 years has taught me a lot about trauma
How it can follow you for years
How it can still show up in your dreams every now and then
How it can change you into someone you don't even recognize

Even after therapy
even after processing and healing
and even after time
it is so hard to have a healthy relationship with someone new

The triggers follow you
even when you're convinced they don't exist anymore

For example,
I remember throwing myself out of a moving vehicle 4 years after because my boyfriend and I were arguing after a night out drinking
In that moment I was back with abusive ex
the memory of him forcing me in his car drunk and not letting me leave even after hitting a parked car was so present in my brain
it was like it was happening again
except it wasn't
not even close

Fast forward and 6 years later I am still learning how to effectively communicate with my current boyfriend

There's not a day that goes by where I am not utterly shocked at how an argument can just stay exactly that...an argument
It doesn't have to grow into something bigger
something that causes people to say or do hurtful things
something that takes days or even weeks to get over
something that ends in heart break

I find myself bracing for impact with every disagreement
something as simple as "I shouldn't have done/said that, I'm sorry" causes me to spiral
something simple still causes me to experience a wave of anxiety
anxiety I can't ignore or wish away
but instead have to work through
over and over again

To this day I am learning how to love again
I experienced abuse at the age of 19
It's like my brain was hardwired wrong
and now I need to spend years fixing it

To this day I am learning how to not crave toxicity
my brain has confused love with abuse and comfort with boredom
I find myself craving constant reassurance
I find myself panicking when I should feel comfort
I find myself mad at how I still feel these things

But the truth is
I am too ******* myself
What I experienced
and what many other men and women experience
IS HARD
It's not something you can forget
or pretend never happened
I tried that and it just prolonged the inevitable

The truth is
I have come such a long way
I was changed in so many ways
but I have also grown in just the same

I will continue to grow and heal
I will continue to learn how to love again

I know I am on the right track
I feel myself getting so close

I want a healthy relationship so badly
One I can be proud of and seek comfort in
One I can spend the rest of my life enjoying

Isn’t it weird how abusive people can somehow make you feel like you’re the crazy one?

Like you were the one who cared too much
The one who reacted poorly
The one who loved too hard
The one who was always in the wrong

When in reality you were the one who
protected them
defended them
forgave them

Over
And
Over
When they didn’t deserve it in the first place

It really makes you wonder
Just how messed up their brain is
Just how warped of a view on the past they must have

But now
You’re the one living with the aftermath
You’re the one with the messed up brain
You’re the one with a warped view on love
You’re the one trying desperately to get it right
years later

All the while your abuser is living a life full of blissful ignorance

It's something I crave daily to try and lessen the anxiety I experience in life

I need control in every aspect of my life
something as simple as cleaning
all the way down to my own feelings

When I lack control in one aspect of my life
it intensifies in another

I try my best to avoid feeling different emotions because I begin to feel out of control when I feel them

I listen to sad songs because it allows me to control a specific feeling in that moment

I am not sure where this habit was learned
I am not sure when this habit was formed

but it has created such a strain on my life
I need to learn to be okay without control
or just less of it

I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I have made too many mistakes
regretted too many decisions

but where does that leave me now?
I can't make decisions based off of how I feel
because how I feel is tainted with anxiety

I feel stuck in time
while the days pass by me
unable to make decisions
fearing that I will one day regret them

so instead
as time moves on
I do not

When I'm anxious I feel frozen in place
like my feet are glued to the floor
like the air I gasp for is thick and humid

When I'm anxious I feel tired
like my mind is running a marathon
like my heart is begging to take a break

When I'm anxious I feel broken
like I am constantly scrambling to seem put together
like my reflection can see through my facade
ashamed of what it is looking at

When I'm anxious I feel hopeless
like no one can possibly help me
like I will forever feel this way

you'd think after so much time
I wouldn't be triggered
but here I am typing
feeling as though the words are spilling out of me
just like old times

I have come to terms with a lot
I have accepted a lot
but I still think you are still trying to manipulate me

I hope that I am wrong
I hope that after 5 years you have grown from that
I hope that it is just my trauma response

but why post a gym selfie in my old camp shirt?
why do you still have anything of mine?
aren't things like that triggering for you too?
don't things like that remind you of how abusive you were?

I accepted you on social media to prove to myself and to you that I was okay
That I could see you on social media without spiraling into an anxiety attack
That I could see you try to be happy with someone else without hating myself

And although all of these things are true 5 years later
I don't think the PTSD will ever leave me

So please, get rid of the shirt.

Why did no one warn us what being in your 20s is actually like?

There are 25 year olds married.
There are 25 year olds just starting their career.
There are 25 year olds living with their parents.
There are 25 year olds with babies.
There are 25 year olds living with friends.
There are 25 year olds in school.
There are 25 year olds buying a house.

There is no rule book.
There is no timeline after high school.

It's daunting.
Some days you may feel behind.
Other days you may feel ahead of the game.

When in reality there is no finish line.
There is no winner or loser.

Just a bunch of kids living life, figuring it out along the way.

Do you think the moon ever gets frustrated repeating the same phases over and over again?

Do you think the moon wishes to stay full?

Do you think on the days the moon is not full, it feels incomplete?

Do you think the moon ever feels lonely, missing the sun?

Do you think the moon stares at its reflection, criticizing every crater?

I wonder if the moon knows how beautiful it is.

The worst thing I have ever done was try to love someone while I was still broken

I expected him to pick up the pieces without getting cut

I was blind to the blood dripping off his hands while he held me afloat

I was apathetic to the bruises formed on his arms from my inability to let go

His every wince in pain was covered up with a smile of support undeserving

I was too far buried in my own mind to grasp reality

I was too far gone to see that the problem was not he or we but me

I left him in the afterglow hoping one day I’d meet him there knowing now I deserve of no such destination

I finally figured out why it was so hard for me to love again after him

I always said I wanted to find passion without abuse
but what I didn't realize is that I actually confused them for each other

I wanted so badly to feel again without the bad parts
but what I didn't realize is that without the bad parts
the good parts wouldn't have felt as great as they actually were

I wanted to feel the same way he made me feel without the abuse
but what I didn't realize is that you can't have one without the other

what I felt for him was so intense
it was so deeply rooted in me
I wanted that
and I couldn't understand why I kept failing to find it again

when I did find someone who reminded of that feeling
instead of embracing it
arms opened wide
I ran
confused by my own decisions

I asked myself "You waited this long to find someone you could love and the second you find it you ruin it, why?"

I didn't realize that what I spent years looking for was the feeling I could only feel while being in an abusive relationship

I didn't realize that a normal, healthy relationship doesn't make you feel that way

and that's okay

You should be able to love someone without having to feel everything so intensely at all times

You should be able to feel comfort and content without thinking there is something wrong with the relationship

You should be able to have passionate days and normal days and bad days all mixed together without thinking your relationship is doomed

Because a normal relationship is not like the movies

and it is not like what I experienced 4 years ago.

6 months of therapy
and I'm not anywhere close to being done

but I have seen great progress
and for that I am grateful

I feel happy
euphoric
hopeful
in love
satisfied with the present
content with the future
at peace with the past


I feel broken
tarnished
stained
infected
polluted with anxiety
poisoned with trauma
warped with self-loathing
rooted with problems

People say love comes your way when you least expect it

and maybe that's when I'll know that I'm ready to let love in again

when I stop looking for it
when I stop letting it consume my thoughts
when I stop letting it control my decisions

I will be ready for love

When I accept that there is no set plan
When I accept that time is not meant to cause anxious thoughts
When I accept that it is okay to be alone

How do you know you're ready to experience love again when your mind is the last thing you trust?

you have every reason to be skeptical
3 failed relationships proves that doesn't it?

you blame yourself
not seeing the warning signs
ignoring the bad parts of a relationship
thinking it'll change
or maybe that it simply doesn't matter enough

but love is a drug
and love is blinding

every.single.time

love has blinded me

love has given me such a high
that when the withdrawal hits
it is so excruciating
I blame myself for getting high in the first place

so why do I keep doing it?
maybe because each time I am convinced that it is going to last
or maybe because I am just so desperate to get it right

My drug has failed me so many times that the sight of it now makes me sick to my stomach

I have turned away from it entirely

So why does a part of me worry that I will never get high again?
Sober is safe
Sober is secure

but

Sober is boring

Nothing will beat the feeling of being high in love.

I dreamt of you last night
I still remember everything so vividly

when I saw you I knew that I was dreaming
because of the way you looked at me
we didn't have to exchange words
we both knew it wasn't real
we had to enjoy whatever time we had left together
because I would soon wake up
and we'd be back to never speaking again
we'd be back to you hating me
we'd be back to me hating me

I'd call it a dream but then I'd have to admit to myself that I wanted to dream of you

Life has made me bitter

Every proposal
Every instagram post
Every brag by a friend

I ignore the bitter taste in my mouth
swallow it instead
jealousy hides in my stomach
it tries to escape but I somehow force a smile

from the outside I look happy, hopeful
but my smile is masked by gritting teeth
my eyes start to glaze over
I pray no one notices that I'm no longer present in the conversation
because as they speak my jealousy begins to build
it builds so high I have two choices
change the subject or walk away
anything can be better than someone else's perfect relationship
especially when you're convinced you'll never find yours

life has made me bitter
it's my least favorite attribute

I know how much you love my blonde hair
that's why I cut it

6 inches gone
along with the memories of us
the toxicity of me

not only did I cut my hair short but I dyed it dark
so that there is no possible trace of blonde
no trace of you

maybe it'll help you accept what happened between us
maybe it'll help you move on from me faster
maybe
maybe
maybe

it's just hair.

I do not miss him
I only miss the potential future I would have had with him

I knew this for months
but I was a selfish coward
unable to admit to myself that I was settling
I almost settled for something I knew I didn't want
simply because I wanted so badly to get it right

I didn't want to disappoint anyone especially him
I knew how much he wanted this
how much he wanted me
so I tried to force it
but it was fake

the more I dragged it out the more I hurt him
and so I left
unexpectedly to him
but to me it was a relief
no longer was I settling
I was finally choosing what was best for me

for so long I felt trapped
knowing someone better for me was out there waiting

to think that I almost gave that up
to think that if I had settled
I never would have met you

our future is unknown
maybe even non-existent
but that wouldn't change how I feel

and I am finally comfortable with that

Some days I think God has put me here for a reason

Some days I think God has put me through hard times to make me stronger

Some days I think God is preparing me for something bigger

Some days I think God takes loved ones away from me because they are needed in heaven

Some days I think God has kept me from you for a reason

Some days I think God has never made our timing right on purpose

Some days I think God has made me struggle with love to prepare me for an even greater one

Some days I think God is trying to teach me patience and self love

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to find passion in security

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to take risks with no regards of the aftermath

Some days I think God is constantly testing me

Some days I remember
most days I don't believe in God

I go back to the beginning of my writing to be reminded of what once was

more so to see how far I've come

other times to see how little has changed

depends on my mood...

You cling to the past
but with each day that passes you feel it slipping from your grip
more and more

until all you have left seems to touch you in the form of
flashbacks
deja vu
dreams

anything to remind you of what once was

sometimes you wish you could tighten your grip before it's too late

but it is too late

the memories you have
of that person
of that relationship
can't be brought back
too much has changed
too much has happened since then
that person
that relationship
no longer exists

so why torture yourself over something you no longer have any control over?

because if you could go back you would've done things differently

I wouldn't have gone back to *** until I was healed that way our second chance might've lasted a lifetime
I would've left *** after the first red flag so I could look back and appreciate all of the good without all of the bad
I would've given xxxxxx a real chance regardless of my fear of being hurt

but I can't go back and neither can you

so this is an ode to my past

thank you for teaching me endless amounts of love lessons
thank you for forming me into the person that I am today

thank you for letting me have control in where I leave you

and where I leave you is right here
no further will you go along this journey with me

I hope you understand

I want to be happy.

I want to be content with the simplicity of life.

I want to stop living in extremes.

I want to feel what it is like to be in love
              without having to relive old memories.

I want to stop experiencing highs off of sadness.

I want to be able to take a deep breath
                in order to feel relief
                           rather than a gasp for air
                                     instinctual to my survival.

I want to welcome passion in again
               with wide open arms
                          feeling its embrace
                                   remembering its smell

When someone doesn't see the potential of what could be

try not to be angry
         try not to be sad
                   try not to blame yourself
                            try not to wonder why you weren't good enough

try

try to accept that it simply wasn't meant to be experienced
        try to accept that he simply didn't see just how great you are
              try to accept that he simply didn't see just how much you
                      had to offer him

you shouldn't have to wait around for someone

to realize just how great you could be together
        to realize just how worth it you are
                  to realize that you could've pulled each other
                        out of the darkest corners of your souls
                                that you both know too well.

but instead he will sit in the dark

alone

and when he sees you bright and gleaming

he will wonder why he ever even preferred the comfort of darkness

When I think of change in my own life
I think of doors surrounding me
suffocating me
almost

with each change that occurs in life
I open a different door
creating an entirely new set of doors to choose from

but with endless amounts of doors
how do I begin to choose which to open?

some doors are already cracked open
while others are locked shut

some doors are freshly painted
while others are cracked, peeling at the touch

so how do I decide?

how do I decide between
opening the already cracked door
or finding the key to the locked one

how do I decide between
opening the new door
or the door that's falling apart

because
regardless of how it looks on the outside
the inside is unknown

you can pick the easy door
but easy isn't always worthwhile

you can pick the appealing door
but appealing isn't always logical

the doors surround you daily
waiting for you to decide
growing impatient

do you rush and pick a door
and risk opening the wrong door

or do you wait
in an attempt to plan out every possible option
resulting in you feeling stuck
frozen in place
unable to move
unable to choose

feeling stuck may be miserable
but looking back and regretting your decision
wishing you could turn around and go back is just as bad
isn't it?

I think sometimes what stops us from following our gut is the fear of rejection

You know what you want
but you're afraid you won't get it
or that the other person won't feel the same way anymore
or that it won't work out

it's a risk
and some of us aren't risk takers
but I think we should be

when I said I didn't want to live anymore
and you looked the other way
claiming that your intention was pure
telling me that you thought that what I needed at the time was not you

when in reality that was simply
your way out

out of the toxicity we knew as love

I read something once that expressed how it isn't someone's responsibility to stay and fix a significant other

and so I can't blame you for leaving me at my worst

but
I'd like to know if the same rules apply when you're the sole reason your significant other needs to be "fixed"
are you still allowed to leave?
I guess it doesn't matter
because you did..

as much as I knew you loved me
you did not love me enough to see me live

as much as I wanted to die
I'm just thankful that I didn't

because the guilt you would feel
would be almost unbearable
forever

but instead
you got to move on

well
move on enough to be with someone else
even if its temporary

while I'm still here dealing with the aftermath

I know that I've come a long way
but I also still know that I have a way to go

I also know that regardless of your relationship status currently
you still do love me
you love me but
again
not enough to act on it
only enough to reach out from time to time
only enough to check up on my social media
in the hopes that you see something that shows you that I'm thinking of you

is that even love?
maybe
but I think it's the manipulative kind

and I deserve something more than that
much more

and before I used to dream about you giving me more

but I think we're still both smart enough to see that as much as we may think we have changed we haven't

you're still the guy who strings me along with no regards of my feelings
enough to give me a taste
but leaving me hoping that I will crave more
with no intentions on giving me exactly that

and I'm still the girl
who's feels things much deeper than she wants
who still needs some fixing
who gets herself into trouble with love

but I'm on my way
and I'm not sure that I can say the same thing about you

I pray that I can one day

It's true
as time goes on
our memories start to become more fuzzy
but not all of them

I can't stop thinking about my cousin

how earth shattering it was to get that call that he had died

that the disease he was fighting with for years finally caught him

to this day something that will haunt me is the thought of just how mad my cousin must've been when he woke up in heaven realizing what he had done

how much ******* regret he must feel
how much he must miss us

my family is forever altered by what had happened
we never truly healed
we never will

and I don't think this is something anyone can relate to
unless you have experienced the same heart break first hand

I remember getting the call from my dad the morning after a night out with friends to tell me what had happened.

I remember rushing home to my uncle's house to find my entire family, in tears, unable to comprehend.

I remember spending days where all my family did was become numb in order to get things done and then cry when they were finally finished for the day.

I remember walking into the funeral home thinking it was just a really bad movie.

I remember my one cousin saw the casket and started screaming
she fell to the floor not being able to hold herself up
and kept repeating that she was unable to do this

I remember my father humming songs in his head for hours trying to block out the reality of what was happening to our family.

I remember my family going up to the open casket and kissing my cousin's dead, cold body on the head, repeatedly.

I remember the guilt I felt for not having a stronger relationship with him.

I remember everything
so ******* vividly
even 2 years later

and I don't think it'll ever get fuzzy.

If you look through my poems it tells the same story
over and over again.

pain
numb
healing
confusion

repeat.

you'd think I'd be tired of it by now
or at least enough to put an end to it.

It's because I have fallen into the habit of not letting my brain process things.
When I get hurt
I have a day or two of wallowing
and then I refuse to let myself get like that again.

I used to think that was healthier.
Blocking everything out.

but to this day...

if you bring up my high school boyfriend
I block out the fact that I envisioned my entire future with him and it still hurts thinking that it won't happen.

if you bring up my college boyfriend
I block out the fact that I was so irrevocably in love with him to ever even want to put an end to the toxicity.

I block out the fact that my inability to love again is because I have already given all of my love out and I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Or maybe it's because as much as I want to experience love again I turn down any opportunity of it because of my pure fear of it not working.

Writing helps
for however long it takes me to write that day
I allow myself to not block everything out
to take down the barrier temporarily
and to feel

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit

it has been 3 years.

usually when I become numb
I start to write and it all pours out

tonight I am numb
but can't get my fingers to start typing

maybe I just have to much to say
too much to feel
too much to write


not able to form a poem out of the jumbled mess in my mind

all I've ever wanted was an apology.
and not one of those half *** apologies but a sincere one

but
just because I want one doesn't mean I need one
because I don't

I want one
so that I can make sense of it all

I want one
so that I can find comfort in the past

I want one
so that I know I didn't love a ****** guy

I want one
so that I know you've come to terms with your actions

I want one
so that I know you were the guy I fell for not the guy you became

I want one
because I deserve one

but *******
I don't need one.

you were my drug
you were created specifically for me
or so I thought

My body consumed you
entirely
for over a year and a half

I was convinced that I couldn't
live without you
breathe without you
be without you

Because the withdrawal
was so excruciating
I thought that I wasn't strong enough

Relapsing
over
and over
again

Knowing that I shouldn't want it
Knowing that I shouldn't need it
Knowing that I deserve a life without it

Regretting the day I first tried my drug
Regretting the warning signs of my addiction
Regretting being too weak to stop

I'm officially 6 months clean
and I wish I can say I did it by myself
but I didn't
does that make me weak?
I almost don't care

I can now live without you
breathe without you
be without you

without withdrawal
without relapsing

I've been struggling with words lately
which is weird for me

maybe it's because
I'm not sure how to make sense of it all

I'm still waiting
for everything to make sense
trying to force it almost

trying to trick
my own heart
my own mind

into believing that this is how it was supposed to happen
when I know it wasn't

I think I had this weird misconception for the longest time without even realizing it.

For awhile I was in control of every relationship I had with a guy. I chose when it started, when it ended, how it ended, whether it would start again, when it would start again, etc.

I think I thought that every guy I was with would always be waiting for me to change my mind and turn back around. Well because, that's how it was for a long time.

But that thought is what made me be in control.

And I know that's ****** up, as I type it. But it's true.

For the girl with little self confidence, thinking that every guy she's been with would wait around for her. How arrogant is that.

How wrong is that

I realized it when my anxiety took over, having to take a step away from the guy I was with, thinking that he would understand and simply wait for me.

But he didn't

He was so quick to move on. And he had every right to.

Honestly, I'm happy it happened. It had to happen for me to realize how toxic I was being to myself and to other guys.

All of my poems consist of one topic, one guy, breaking me down.

I can't let what he did to me effect how I treat future guys.

I can't be the person they write poems about years later talking about how toxic I was for them.

I refuse to be that person.

I am not that person.

I will never be that person.

All aspects of my future make me anxious

Every time I think about it
I imagine this pit growing in my stomach

It starts off small
about the size of a seed
but the more that I think about it
the more I water it
and the bigger it grows

Where will I teach if I can't find a job?
bigger
Where will I live?
bigger
Who will I end up with?
bigger
Will I even find someone that wants to marry me?
BIGGER
Will I be able to have kids?
BIGGER
Will my family be around to watch me grow old?
BIG-

And then suddenly the pit has grown so large
it no longer has any room left to grow
It has taken over my stomach completely
causing me to stop in the middle of my tracks
frozen in fear
waiting desperately for it to get smaller

But it never does
Because you see
the more you water it
the bigger it grows
and there's no going backwards


Backwards
If I could go backwards
I would **** every last droplet of water out of the seed


I would give anything to make it shrink
There's not much I hate more than the unknown

I can't seem to get it right.
With every guy I meet.

Is there something wrong with them?
Or is there something wrong with me?

Is it because they're not you?
Or because I'm scared that they will become you?

Is it because I still haven't met the right guy?
Or because my expectations are too hard to obtain?

Is it because there's always a problem?
Or because I create that problem myself?


I'd like to believe it's because I just haven't met the right one yet.
The guy that it will come effortlessly with.
The guy that makes me fall into him with both feet, knowing exactly what I might get myself into, without a worry in the world.
The guy that doesn't make me second guess every move we make.
The guy who consumes my mind so deeply, there isn't any room for the demons in my head.

I know that guy is out there for me. Whether it is someone from my past or someone in my future.
I will find him.

Everything happens for a reason.

Say it again.

Repeat it until you're blue in the face.

Or until you believe it yourself.

Which ever comes first.

I left a permanent mark on my skin. Again.

I tell myself I'll never regret that. Because in that moment it's what I needed and wanted.

It's my constant reminder that when I look down at my body, I see what I've been through, and where I'm heading.

I treat my skin as my own road map.

If someone were to undress me and lay me down
I would have them trace my skin
slowly working their way around my body
only to stop at every heartbreak and life lesson

The faded ink would give away its time frame
creating a story that I get to claim as my own

At that point
not only would I be naked to the eye
but I would be completely vulnerable
as if I'm peeling back layers of my own skin
opening up to my insides
exposing my thoughts throughout the years.

It's something we all have, some without even realizing it.
It's something a person needs in order to survive.

I'm one to preach the words, "Everything happens for a reason" and "You end up where you're supposed to be" and I try my hardest to have faith in those words, but I too often find myself failing at that.

I think it's just something someone says to make themselves feel better. I can't let myself hide behind that, but that doesn't mean I won't try to.

I tell myself those two phrases daily; wishing, praying, for them to actually come into existence. But they never do.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why my cousin passed away form a drug overdose. Tell me why he had to get addicted in the first place.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why my grandmother passed away suddenly from a freak accident when her health was fine.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why father's only two friends died from cancer.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why people experience heart break, of all kinds.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why there has been 18 school shootings so far this year.

If everything happens for a reason please just give me those reasons. And don't give me some ******* that people make up to only make themselves feel better. I won't fall for that. I refuse to.

I want so badly for someone to tell me otherwise, so I can make sense of it all.

And then maybe, I'll have a little bit of faith.

Some days I feel healed; convincing myself that everything that has happened was for a reason, a reason I'll one day understand.

Other days I feel broken; convincing myself that I'll never be healed, forever being alone.

But, most days I fall somewhere in the middle. How can someone feel broken and healed at the same time?

Maybe it's because my definition of "healed" isn't quite right. Or maybe it's because even though I'm on my way, I'm just not there yet, as much as I try to tell myself that I am.

I constantly joke to everyone about how I must be bad at relationships because I can never make them work.

But will they still find it funny if I told them that my anxiety eats me alive until I ruin the one good thing I have going for myself at the time?

My anxiety turns me into someone I don't want to be.
Someone who questions every aspect of the relationship.

Am I happy?
Could someone else make me happier?
Is this how I see my future?
Are we meant for each other?
Is he going to hurt me like my ex did?
Am I wasting my time?

These are all questions that completely consume me because of my anxiety.

They consume me until I can no longer take it and leave. I create problems that aren't there and convince myself that this is my only option.

It's exhausting constantly fighting with my anxiety, especially when it wins more often than not.

I am drained.

I am tired of pushing my feelings down so far my brain and my heart can no longer reach them.

I guess I'll just pray for more days where I feel healed, even if I know deep down it's not real.

To the people who think education majors have it easy,

Nothing, and I truly mean nothing, gets under my skin more than people who have the same mindset as you.
People like you think that my 3.8 GPA isn’t as worthy as someone else’s in a different major.
People like you think education majors can’t possibly be as stressful as other majors.
People like you think that my 40-page unit plan doesn’t even begin to compare to your 40-page report.
People like you think that teaching is easy.

it's *******.

I’m not going to sit here and go into detail about all of the difficult assignments I’ve had over the past four years as a middle school math major because frankly you’re just not worth my time. Also, because that would mean that I have something to prove to you, and I don’t. You can’t begin to judge a major until you have sat in on their classes, done their assignments, took their tests, etc. So, for you to judge my major based solely on the fact that I’m teaching children makes you arrogant and ignorant.

Imagine the excitement you feel when you get an A on an exam you spent days studying for. Now imagine that same excitement being stripped away from you in a second because someone tells you that your major is easy and that that’s the reason you got such a good grade.
Imagine working your **** off to earn Dean’s List every semester you’ve been at school, for someone to turn around and tell you that the only reason you’ve achieved that is because of your easy major.

It’s hurtful.

I chose to become a teacher because I want to take part in shaping children’s minds. I want to take part in making students grow up enjoying math. I want to take part in making learning fun.  
I don’t think that is something I’ll ever regret, no matter how many times you try to bring me down.
Please just focus on your own major. Focus on your own difficult assignments, your own difficult tests, and your own difficult projects, that way you can truly strive for success.

And I’ll still be here, an education major, cheering you on.

Sincerely,
A future teacher.