I know you are a liar
With a suitcase full of lies.
You’re a peddler of snake oil
To those who are unwise.
You only deal in falsehoods
No matter who you hurt.
To me you’re two feet lower
Than pocketful of dirt.

You’re a gold-plated tinhorn
Not really worth a hoot.
You’re like a old plow horse
Too miserable to even shoot.
Half-deaf and selectively blind
You’re an stremely unfunny joke
And not really good to anyone
Especially decent moral folk.

I’ve seen guys like you before
They make me want to hurl
I could tell you immediately
Not to leave you with any girl.
You are the kind of criminal
Only beloved by a nut.
Someone should take you aside
And kick you in your crooked ****.

Your evil twisted lying self
Make me lose my religion.
I hate it every time you make
More suckers into pigeons.
I can’t stand to see your face
Let alone to hear you speak
And I am sure your followers
Have minds that are weak.

They’ll find out in a year or two
All the stuff we have foretold
When fans as well as the rest of us
Are freezing out in the cold
And all his cronies are safe
In the corporate welfare he creates
While we honest people pay the bills
And starve at his penthouse gate.

I’ve seen guys like you before
They make me want to hurl
I could tell you immediately
Not to leave you with any girl.
You are the kind of criminal
Only beloved by a nut.
Someone should take you aside
And kick you in your crooked ****.

I wish you Merry Christmas
That lasts all through the year.
Remember how I love you
And hold you all so dear.
Merry merry Christmas
And a happy, happy new year.

I hope all the presents
Are exactly what you like.
Just as in your childhood
A shiny brand new bike.
And apples in your stocking
Just like every Christmas,
And other great new years.

And I hope that Santa Claus
Came and left you joy
More than just pretty gifts
And fancy wished for toys.
I hope you smile a lot
And Christmas leaves you glad
And nobody in your family
Has reason to be sad.

So merry, merry Christmas
To you and all you love
May every Christmas blessing
Come down from far above
And grant you joy and your family
The merriest of Christmases
And a most joyous new year.

I’m still waiting for my Christmas present
The one you promised for so long.
Don’t keep me waiting like a poor peasant.
That would be rude and oh so wrong.
I’ve got my mind decorated for the season.
The mantel hung up with stockings
Please don’t make me wait for any reason.
Holding out on me would be shocking.

Holiday hotline
I’m making the call.
Ready for Christmas
The best time of all.
Holiday hotline
Too excited to dial.
I’ll wait a bit longer
But just for a while.

I don’t really need some kind of wish list.
There only one thing that I want.
You’ve got my heartstrings in your **** fist.
I’m fainting just to watch as you flaunt.
I’d write to Santa if it would do any good
But I am pretty sure he already knows.
Honey please, my heart’s not made of wood,
As you wave what I want near my nose.

Holiday hotline
I’m making the call.
Ready for Christmas
The best time of all.
Holiday hotline
Too excited to dial.
I’ll wait a bit longer
But just for a while.

I’m just like a little kid on Christmas eve.
I pretty sure I couldn’t really sleep.
You’ve got some great tricks up your sleeve.
I bet it wouldn’t help me to count sheep.
I want to start in unwrapping my present
I have little doubt I’ll like what’s inside.
The anticipation has been very pleasant.
Now is the finale to a **** yuletide.

Holiday hotline
I’m making the call.
Ready for Christmas
The best time of all.
Holiday hotline
Too excited to dial.
I’ll wait a bit longer
But just for a while.

The hunky lad passed me smiling.
I sat and wondered what he was into.
I spent the next short time whiling.
Did he like the same things I like to do?
Was it possible he’d find me beguiling?
Or was I just a romantic Ford Pinto;
A bit of data barely suitable for filing?
Not worth a kiss let alone a good *****?

Thus run the silent mental maunderings
Of a fool with little else but fanciful wishes
As he went about his chores like laundering
Dusting, vacuuming and washing dishes.
Dreams like those of a damsel in a castle
Drug me away from the drudgery of the day.
And helped me not see life as a hassle;
Instead it made my mind a place to play.

If fortune could send a lucky handyman
To fix something I didn’t know was broken
I could think it was a very dandy plan
And that God was sending me a token.
Almost like a voice was whispering to me
Everything is gonna be okay, my child.
So go ahead and celebrate giddily.
Your life is will soon go from mild to wild.

Oh yes, I would sing and dance in joy
Around my tiny rent-controlled home.
God was going to send a perfect boy
So he would never again need to roam.
He could stop here in his **** travels
And I would make him so glad that he did.
He could stop pounding the gravel;
Just stay with me, almost on the skids.

I’d serve him chicken from the Colonel
I have lots of coupons I’ve set aside.
Maybe he’d like something from McDonalds.
I would set the table with great pride.
And I would make sure there was wine
By the lovely gallon, here for him to drink.
If he wanted a more inexpensive kind
He wouldn’t really even have to blink.

Yes I would make a lower-class heaven
With our modest Rent-a-Center stuff.
I’d do the scutwork twenty-four seven.
I do it all now, it is nothing that tough.
He would only have to love me madly.
Life would be a fairy tale for both of us.
He’d consent to stay forever gladly;
Life would be simply, totally marvelous.

She went out dancing with her sister.
No thought of romance in her head.
A ****** on the loose in a big city.
She would end up in a stranger’s bed.
There were skanks and fancy boy ******
It looked like they were having so much fun.
Some guy offered her a cocktail so she
Thought it wouldn't hurt to have just one.

Criminals of love, villains of lust.
Blind to a newcomer's sorrow.
Heaven for an hour, home-run or bust.
Live for today, never mind tomorrow.
Criminals of love, that's what they are.
Greedy as hell,  up to no good
Acting like some famous superstar
On the trail of a babe in the woods.

Her parents never thought to teach her
How to deal with criminals of love
They set her loose among the masses
Left her in the hands of God above.
The kind of guy she met won't suffer
A single day in jail for his crimes.
She hoped she was something special
To him she was another hill to climb.

Criminals of love, villains of lust.
Blind to a newcomer's sorrow.
Heaven for an hour, home-run or bust.
Live for today, never mind tomorrow.
Criminals of love, that's what they are.
Greedy as hell,  up to no good
Acting like some famous superstar
On the trail of a babe in the woods.

This is not the imagined fairytale
Written in women's magazines;
Fighting off remorseless lectures
Was an outcome quite unforeseen.
She wishes now that she had stayed
At home to read a good book.
Instead she suffers with remorse
Being abused by a romantic crook.

Criminals of love, villains of lust.
Blind to a newcomer's sorrow.
Heaven for an hour, home-run or bust.
Live for today, never mind tomorrow.
Criminals of love, that's what they are.
Greedy as hell,  up to no good
Acting like some famous superstar
On the trail of a babe in the woods.

The Evil Spider sits and spins
His web of golden strings so thin
That the slightest tug tells him
Who wants to buy and sell him.
He also knows it is them instead
That he buys and sells, dead
Or alive, they are his fuel.
It is between him and them, a duel
And all they have to do is touch,
Be slow, not be looking and he
Senses he has an opportunity.
He wraps them in his weaving;
They have no chance of leaving
Without him ******* their souls.
And that is his only real goal.

His web is wide and strong
So passersby going along
Don’t know they are in his reach.
And before anyone can teach
A fatal lesson is quickly learned;
All their bridges to safety burned
And they are a number, a dot,
Yet another victim he has got
To total up to a win for him
That makes the future dim
For those who don’t know
How far he is willing to go
With his golden lines of death.
It only takes a breath.

I’m dreaming of a White Christmas
With not one foreigner you know;
Where the people speaking
Like good Americans
The rest should get on planes and go.

The best Christmas is a Lily White One.
With stuff that Jesus understood;
Like Santa’s reindeers
And trees with tinsel
And toys not one made of wood.

I’m screaming for a White Christmas
So shove that crap that Christ’s a Jew!
Go and burn in hellfire with you!
And my best Christmas wish comes true.