she told me:
        God is a black woman
   i was not thinking about you but i agreed.
she said:
      
She lives in North Africa,
     she doesn't age
       light reflects off of her skin.

i started thinking of you
AND now i miss you

we are the masters of self-destruction
trying to numb the pain with wine
and drugs
and smoke filling up our lungs,
we write down in lines with no rhyme
all the things
that make our souls burn and die.
our poems bleed
we drink their blood
then we write again,
listening to stupid songs all night
wishing sometimes we were deaf
wishing we were dead.
we let the doors open
anyone with a knife can come inside
cutting our hearts in half,
any tear is welcome
to create the ocean around us
in which we deliberately drown ourselves.
masters of self-destruction,
our bodies are temples where dying souls hide,
we run till our legs are broken
jump off cliffs
go between sharks' cheeks
forgetting to sleep
to dream
we bleed
we drink
we love
and hurt
it's a madmen game we play
each day
laughing hysterically
while slowly taking steps to the graves
we dug for ourselves,
the masters of self-destruction we are
lunatics
worshiping what's not for us to adore
crying
hiding
falling again
and again.
legs broken,
hearts cut and eaten
flesh ripped from our bones
lungs full of water
ears burnt
our eyes scream
but that's fine
'cause we are the masters of self-destruction
and our life is just a mad game

i'm like that scarf i made in third grade.
i'd just learned to knit, was cocky, confident.
the yarn wasn't that expensive, the plastic needles were shiny and made me feel professional.
i could make something all my own, i had the ability.
knitting it was easy.
watching movies, listening to music, laying in bed.
my fingers never ceased weaving in and out, in and out.
soon it was finished, and i wove it around my neck instead.

and only when i needed it most did i realize there was a missed loop in the first row of stitches.

and it caught on a branch, and my scarf was suddenly back to square one, a mess of tangled yarn meshed with the winter snow.

and i was cold.

just one mistake...and it unraveled everything.

so much work.

so little time.

metaphor?

At least you're happily married.
Maybe it's all just a test.
Have you thought about changing your diet?
You'll just have to have lots of ***.
At least you can still go on dates.
Remember you're both very young.
Make the most of it while you still can.
Pregnancy isn't much fun.
Sometimes parenting *****.
You've got enough on your plate.
Weekends are ruined by kids.
Perhaps it's a good thing to wait.
I've heard there are pills that can help.
At least you can sleep through the night.
Perhaps it's not the right time.
It looks like you're coping alright.
It took us a year to conceive.
I can see why you feel so depressed.
I know you've been trying for longer.
The main thing is not to get stressed.
Your condition is really quite common;
I've got it and so does my friend.
God blessed me with two healthy children -
It'll all work out in the end.

baby please dont go
feel your beautiful body
naked spine of windy America

like jameson nights
i pick dare over truth
and feel sweat over
a bleeding glass

didn't cut me
or break me
kiss away the bad news

missing you used to come and go but now it's that constant feeling behind everything i do and everywhere i go
2. kissing you at certain places in the city was a mistake because they seem to be engraved in my mind with that moment etched into their cobble stones forever
3. when my feet make a run from everything that's in my mind i realise that there's always a hope somewhere you'll be the thing that i run to
4. i want to take back everything i tell you because i never feel like it's adequate enough
5. whenever we talk my brain turns to mush and i'm stuck stumbling over words trying to connect some kind of saying from a string of sounds that come out like i either give too much of a **** or too little
6. whoever invented playing hard to get hasn't met me and my capabilities
7. i've forgotten how you kiss but i remember how i felt and that feeling is all that's stayed with me this long
8. i can't sleep anymore because i'm scared to fall asleep and scared to wake up and i wish you were here because for a while you were the main reason i was motivated to do either
9. metaphors aren't coming as easily as before but maybe that's because my hands have forgotten what it's like to write down anything but i miss you i miss you i miss you
10. seeing everybody in love around me ******* *****
11. bettering  yourself stops being beneficial when you realise no amount of bettering is going to help the situation
12. i don't know what i'm going to do when i see you next because twelve weeks has made me comfortable in your ambiguity and i don't know if i can leave this state of numb

When did it get this way

When did wanting to die become my default emotion

When did everything that made me happy fade to shades of grey

How did the people who claim to love me

Allow me to fall into this pit of despair and destruction

Without ever trying to reach in and save me

I have dug
a hole
near the house
where you live

and lifted
the veins; daffodils
surgically
from the soil

they watch
from my window
so tall
and so yellow