9/16/2017

i sat on the corner
and stared
until you woke up

in the car, later,
the sun dipping under
the trees

and painting the air
dark blue
i remembered the vermillion summer sun

frowned deeply, for some reason
i didn't say anything
you looked at me and smiled

i had to, too.
we sat by the woods
the car quiet and still

two hunters came out of the woods
and later, back out:
empty handed.

i looked over your side and over the seat:
saw your blue reflection, the moonlight sheer

and
objects seen in mirror
are closer than they appear

they say
if nothing works out
just go home

but i wonder
after all these years
will home remain
waiting for me?

but it wasn't just losing you

it was losing out on all the memories to-be
like your mother's fortieth birthday
your baby cousin's first day at school
your uncle's wedding *(i'd already picked out my clothes)

it meant missing you at my graduation
and you never seeing my little sister grow
never tasted the fresh morning brew my dad makes
or listening to my mom recite

losing you wasn't just losing you
it was losing everything around you
and in a way,
*it meant losing myself too.

the salesperson
pointed me towards
the petite section
told me
'oh the women's section
isn't for you'

made me realize
how much
i've shrunk

don't get me
wrong
i'm still 5'2 (& a half)
still weigh
somewhere near 120
but
i have bent and burnt
into
the corners

i have
shrunk

it's a slow process
you don't
even realize that it is
happening
until you find yourself
smaller than ever
and you
wonder
how could a personality
as big as mine
become
as small as this

perhaps it first began
when i
learnt to
stay quiet
when
i really
wanted to say
no
or
yes
or
maybe
or
i believe
or i don't think so

but instead

i looked down
kept
my lips
sealed
and my
eyes closed
blinking
only to
feel my eyelashes
against
my cheeks

i once
had a boy
tell me
he fell in love
first with my voice
then
with me

he tried to solve
me
like a puzzle
putting back the bits and pieces
to create something
whole
but in the process
the pieces got
jumbled up
into something new
and the
voice
i had
that captured
his soul
slipped
away

i started shrinking
when
i lost my voice
and now
i think i've lost
my heart too
my
passion doesn't
flow so
loudly in
my veins and
every now and then
it does
scream
but i silence it
be good,
little girl,
be silent

and to
the girls who
are walking on
glass made
of unwanted opinions
and voices
which are far louder than
theirs,
i say,
remember.

remember who you are
remember what
you are worth.
and remember
that not the father
nor the son
can take from you
the fire
that burns
brighter than the
sun above.
my daughter,
i say,
let your voice
be heard and
let your freedom
burn
and
if
there is a day
when a man
comes and tells you
that he
will replace
the vocal
chords into
something
softer
you
open your hands
offer him peace
and if he rejects
use your freedom
to send
him
far
far
away.

looking from a distance
i can almost love myself

i love this girl
but i used to love this other girl
and i used to think
i always would

but i don't

and it's an ugly thing
to not love someone anymore
so i won't love this girl
and it's still

an ugly thing