Call me old fashion, but just once I want to get it right. Am not perfect no one is, but I really want to be the best I can be as a woman. To obtain the education I need to climb the ladder of success, and to be able to provide for myself in the future. With God as my teacher, my protector and my shield. He will mold me into the woman he wants me to be. A role model to those who look up to me, a helping friend to those who are in need. But most of all when the time is right, a wonderful wife to the man who earns my heart, love, loyalty, and trust. Out of that love I hope to create a precious bundle of joy to love, nurture, and protect. I want to be the best I can be as a mother to my child or children. And to be one of the pillars to hold my family together. Life is not perfect,  but as I said before just once I want to get it right with someone.

Right before your eyes a person with so much pain you couldn’t see, to your eyes I was fine, happy, jolly and complete, however I was dying struggling to breath. My body felt heavy ready to give away, I fight every morning contemplating if I should stay. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I wanted to go, I wanted all the noise to stop because I couldn’t hear my voice anymore. When I smile at you, I guess you thought I was okay, a happy person with hopes and dreams ready to take the world on. However, the world defeated me, I couldn’t fight anymore the little strength I had was enough to survive barely. At times I try to get your attention to let you know, I'm reaching to the point where I won't be able to do it anymore. But you didn’t see, you couldn't hear the child in me crying, begging for someone to save them. Help me it cries, see me it says, I'm here and I'm drowning, and I cannot breathe. How can you not see me, are you choosing to ignore the desperate silent cries that escape me? The pain, if you feel this pain, I wonder if you would have saved me. Would you have took the time to stop and embrace me? I needed your help because I couldn’t save myself. My demons were winning, poisoning me with their malice, infecting me with their diseases. Slowly eating away my existence, I didn’t know who I was anymore? But I guess it's too late, the deed has been done, I'm finally free, now it's too late for you to save me.

Just once I don't want it to be ***, but I want it to be love. I want to get lost in your existence, and connect with you in a different world. I don't want it to be something I will regret, or something I didn't truly love. Just once I want them to look at me , like there is no one else they see, but me. I just want passion and pleasure, not fun and games. I want you to enter inside of me with love , lust ,sweetness, and trust. It's like you're giving me you're all , and i'm giving you my vulnerability. I want to feel you against my skin, as your heat warms me up, and I feel security in your arms. And when you pull me closer to reach deep inside my universe, I just feel safe along with ecstasy, love and pleasure. Just once I want make love with my soul mate, instead of *** with the wrong one.

I never had a chance, you see some people has it easy, so easy it flows like a river. And then you have those where luck is not on their side. It baffles me to see the amount of times I came so close and it slip through my hands. As I go forward the trail of bodies left in the path behind me, I should feel disgusted maybe ashamed but all I feel is numbness. I don't how it became this bad, so bad that when I scream there’s no sound, no one can hear me, no one sees me, all they know is what they want to know. It’s easier if I don’t get to close, it’s easier if they hate me after they've loved me. Why can't I reciprocate it why is it so hard to give it back, sometimes I want to, but I just can’t. The fear I have it's so immense drowning me and dragging me all the way to the bottom and for some reason, I feel comfort there. Why do I end up in the arms of pain I know it doesn't love me, but I go back anyways. I love the bittersweet taste it gives me knowing it’s just temporary and then I will be empty again. I love the ride and despair it puts me through because then I don’t have to feel I just enjoy being alone. You think I want to be this way; I feel you judging me, you think I want to hurt people what happened to the people who hurt me? The people who I was supposed to trust but they left me all alone, everyone leaves they never fight for me they just leave. So yes, I'm that pretty rose they pick, admire and when my thorns ***** their fingers they throw me down and stomp on me. They don't like the pain; they don’t like the blood, but I'm used to it dripping out my wounds. Funny isn't it when I do try the universe says no, there is no way of winning. Maybe I'm just good for one night and easy times or maybe is karma for all the sins I've done in the past. I don’t even know if I have a heart anymore, I don't even know who I am. I try and try and honestly I don’t care anymore, they will only start caring when you're gone. I want to love someone where I can be in their arms and be safe because I don’t feel safe especially with me. I'm fighting every day just to live, I want to cry, but I don't remember how, how do you forget to cry? I don’t even remember how to feel I don't want to be here anymore please someone find me, help me, please. It’s getting too much it's really hard to swallow I can feel my throat closing up. I hate who I see in the mirror, is this really me? No wonder they leave I'm not good enough, so why do I exist? oh yeah to fulfill some desires and be a punching bag to others. They don’t see me, and I know they never will so all I have is me and only me.

You think you’re the only one who felt pain?
I felt that too.
You think you’re the only one who was left alone, cast away, hurt and humiliated?
I felt that too.
You think you were the only one who got they’re heart ripped out and forgotten?
Trust me, I felt that too.
You’re not alone, it wasn’t only you, I felt all these things too.
They say they love me one day, and the next day they didn’t.
They told me I was they’re whole world, and then they were gone.
I gave them everything, my trust, my love, and loyalty, they were the only person I see.
But still, they chose to hurt me.
You’re not the only one who had heartbreaks, pain, and suffering.
You’re not the only one that people just forget and leave behind.
You’re not the only one that relied on one person who supposed to love you, but instead, they make you feel worthless and sad inside.
You’re not the only one who wakes up and wish it would end, that you don’t have to put on a fake smile and pretend.
You’re not the only one whose heart has turned frozen cold, and just can’t do it anymore.
Most of all, you’re not the only one who have scars that run so deep, that might take a long time to heal.
I’m still here!
I’m still here trying to love you.
I’m still here trying once again.
I’m still here because of the good I see in you, and I know you're worth it.
I’m still here trying to be there for you and show you that you can always try again.
But you constantly push me away.
You constantly say I will hurt you.
You constantly give me excuse after excuse, because deep down you know that you love me.
Why?
Don’t you want to try again?
I know it’s frightening, trust me I’m scared too, no matter how much you try to push me away I still want you.
But if you don’t wake up and open your eyes and see, eventually when you finally do, I won’t be here anymore.
And this time who will you blame? me or you?

I can't do it! I can't stand the fact that you might not return.
I can't stand the fact of burying you six feet under ground, and at the end of the day all they can do is hand me flag.
Don't get me wrong we all go one day, but I'm selfish, I want you all to myself!
I cant allow you to go fight in wars for such a corrupt world, because at the end of the day there no difference has been made.
So yes I will be selfish, because I want my kids to have there father near.
I will be selfish, because I can not bear sleeping alone.
I will be selfish because you're my word, my lover and my friend.
I will be selfish, because my world will stop and I will crash just knowing you don't exist anymore.
I WILL BE SELFISH! Because I love you will all my heart, you're my happiness and you're my strength, and you always brightens up my day.
So yes I will be selfish because I cant stand to see you put on that uniform, and go far away and wondering in the back off my head will you ever return.

I wish we all can see the world through our hearts, not through our eyes.
I wish we can see how the world is suffering, and leading to destruction.
Today our society is very sad to look upon. People claim their lives are meaningless. That the struggles they go through are painful, that they want to end their lives, or live carelessly. But, they are wrong. Your alive, and you are breathing you can smile but unfortunately this is not enough. I know they are people with illness and sickness and they battling for their life. They are hurt and fill with pain because of the disease or illness they have. And that alone can make them feel alone. Children are homeless, starving and will do whatever they can to survive. But yet we still say are life is meaningless. By saying those words, we are being ungrateful. By saying those words the people who sacrifice their lives for us was for nothing. By saying those words you are saying they died in vain. The sacrifices they made for us to live in the society today were in vain. They sacrifice their lives thinking to them self that they were helping the future. Thinking that they are helping the world to become a peaceful place. But what cause these wars, what cause this pain on the world? Because people wanted power, money, and greed. They wanted to be in charge of the world. Some with good intentions and some with bad. People sacrifice their lives for man’s greed. We lose our husband’s, wives, brothers, sisters, our children’s, and our friends. For what! Because of the color of our skin, the way we look, the things we believe in. we are a big nation. Each of us was born in different cultures, in different places. We were supposed to live happy as one despite our difference. But instead we are racial towards each other. We prey on the weak because we feel that because we are stronger we have the right. That is so wrong if you are strong you should use your strength to help the weak. You should help them be as strong as you are so they can help someone else be strong. The world is full of pleasure. We will betray or **** just to have pleasure. We will even sacrifice our humanity; shame our self just to have pleasure……that is wrong. We put our love and time in worthless things. We ignore the people who suppose to mean the world to you, instead you shove them away. Our children become rebellious, our wives and husband’s cheats and cause more destruction to our homes. The military takes our family away from us to fight in wars that causes more pain. Why is the world like this? Why can’t we see it? We are polluting the world, destroying our home. What future lies before us? Will we live? Will we die? What are we fighting for? Peace. How can you obtain peace by shedding a sea of blood! How can you? No! where not fighting for peace, we are fighting for no reason. We claim we want world peace! But what are we doing about it to get world peace? Nothing! we continue living our lives and blind our selves from the destruction that is happening around us. Because it’s not happening to my family its fine. Because it’s not happening to me its ok. It’s ok for them to suffer, its ok for them to feel pain. I am getting rich. I am gaining power so they can die am alive so I don’t care. I have the big house, the flashy cars, the best wardrobe no one can compare to me, and if they do I have to take them down. Only I can be on top. Now tell me if thoughts like that never appear in your mind. UN pure thoughts we should help people not dispose them. They say the greatest power in the world is love, maybe it is, but people tend to use love as a weapon of destruction. So tell me what are we going to do? Will we change? Will we live as one? What does the future holds for us? Tell me what will you do? Will you change? So many questions……..not enough answers.

I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. I tried to protect you from the pain, but you still choose to stay. You ignore my warnings when I told you that I’m damage and broken. You ignore me when I tell you I’m toxic and I will infect you with my disease. You were blinded by my temporary happiness and the brief moments I made you smile. But you ignore the chaos that was staring you right in the face. You misunderstood my warnings as me playing hard to get. I wasn’t, I know I would of hurt you, I know I would of cause you so much pain. I wanted to save you from me, because I didn’t want you to be another victim of my emotional crimes. When I say I’m damage is because I will infect you with the poison and trauma that had followed me from my past. I don’t want to dim your bright light that sometimes makes it way to my darkness. I don’t want you to hate me just like everyone else. I don’t want to rob you of your bright smile and the way you speak with life. My darkness will stain you and it will break your heart, it will corrupt you and devour your light and all you will be left with is pain, hate, and tears. So, please listen to me when I say stay away, don’t try to save me because instead of saving me you will lose yourself. And once again you will be another victim of a crime I can never undo, because once your infected by my darkness you will never know love again.

I stop and listen………I look around me and see there is no one there.
It is quiet very quiet I can hear myself breathing…..Now. I am feeling,
Feeling this strong pain, but I do not know where the pain is coming from.
All I know that is unbearable. It hurts, it really hurts, and I want it to stop.
I fell to my knees helplessly due to the pain I feel, but I still do not know
Why am I feeling pain? Why does it hurt? Why do I feel weak? Why is it
Happening to me? What did I do to deserve so much hurt and pain?
Then In a split second I realize where the pain is coming from.
I slowly placed my hand on my chest. I can feel a slow beat ….I scream out in terror as the pain increases. The pain! The pain is coming from my chest. But what? What can be causing the pain in my chest? I fell backwards feeling the cold ground. Looking up at the dark sky and the only thing shining on me is the moonlight of the dark blue moon that I see. My vision is starting to turn blurry; I think is because of the pain. I just lay there trying to think trying to figure out what can it be that causing the pain in my chest? What can it be? Then I close my eyes thinking that death will soon reach me. I stay completely quiet. I didn’t even make one sound. I just let the tears flow the wet cold tears run from my face, and then. I remember …. I remember …. I remember what is causing the pain …….how can I forget? Wait! I choose to forget. Because all it brought me was misery and pain ….so much pain so much hurt, but it also brought me happiness and love, but yet Then the same happiness and love turn to grief then it turn into deep really deep scars of pain ….. So now I know why I am feeling pain I try it again I had used it one more time. I had so much hope so much desire, and now ……it left me with pain. it left me with pain. I feel all my deep scars opening again I can feel it penetrating through my chest, and it hurts. It hurt so badly. I just want to die. I just want to rip it out. I just want to take it out my chest. I want it to be gone. I don’t want it anymore. Do you hear me? I don’t want it anymore!
I don’t want to be happy! I don’t want to smile! I don’t want to love! I don’t want to be love! You know why because in the end I will be left alone. I will be left alone with all these painful scars, I will be left alone with the pain that I am feeling now, so please just take it away. Just take it away. I open my eyes one more time to see the moon, but all I saw was darkness just pure darkness, and then. I rip it out. I rip out the thing that was causing all that hurt and pain. That was causing all that suffering and misery. You know what it was. It was my heart ……………..it was my heart. And then I close my eyes and I let the last tears fell from my eyes, and then I died. Right there all alone on that cold floor with my heart in my hand…… all alone.

I don’t know what I am doing wrong…. Every decision I make reaches to the same outcome.
I try so hard to be different, to choose a different path, but it never changes. I still end up feeling pain at the end.
Am I wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough, or worth it?
I ask these questions because I think that I am worthless. I try so hard to be a good person, to be considerate.
And now I feel useless, like I have no purpose, or that I am not good enough for no one or for anything.
I hate this feeling! It really hurts, feeling lost in this big universe. How can someone feel so alone? When there is billions of people that is around them.
Why? Why do I feel empty? Like I am a hollow tree. Like I have nothing left. It seems like I have given up hope. I put on a smile on my face every day just so I can join society, but its society that has me feeling this way. It’s how the world operates that a lot of us feel this way. We have given up on hope, we feel run down and burn out like there’s no more fuel left. We all have let go …..

I sit in my chair staring out the window, watching the snow
Fall as it covers up the ground. Its cold, it’s so cold I can see
my self breathing. The trees are cover with snow, there branches are bare….. Oh winter you use to be dear to me, but all you remind me of is the cold emptiness I feel inside. All you remind me of is that my heart is dead. The feelings it had are no longer there. The love that I once knew, he took it with him. Why? Why did he have to go? Why? Why did he leave me all alone? I loved him, I loved him so much, but I think my love wasn't enough. Jonathan you've made my winters feels so cold. You was always there to warm me up with your smile, but now your gone so you left me feeling cold inside. Why did you do it? Didn't you know I had loved you! Didn't you know I had care! Why did you do this to me? Leaving me all alone and scared. I miss you! I really miss you, I miss your touches, your soft touches and your sweet kisses. You've loved me like no one else can, you held me tight making me feel so safe and warm. Making me feel my future was secure, but I guess I was wrong. In a blink of an eye you was gone. Your smile, your dimples, and your sweet lips……..Oh Jonathan, why did you leave me? The love we had was so strong, and so sweet. I know you were trying to protect me, but I can’t take it anymore its driving me so crazy. I remember the walks we use to take on Christmas Eve. The love we use to make through out Christmas day. The way you use to touch me, the way you made me feel…….Oh Jonathan, please come back to me. Why did you go?.......Why? I look at his picture hanging on the wall; I know I should take it down, since he is not with me anymore.  I went to the draw to take out the last letter he left behind for me. I read the last words he wrote to me; My sweet Jessica. The only love of my life, by the time you read this letter I have already gone out of your life. The reason I've done this, because I was not good enough for you. The things you wanted I couldn't have given them to you. Your smile Jessica had meant the world to me. Your love was pure, sweet, and unique. The way that I made loved to you was out the compassion and the love we shared, but by doing this I am protecting you and letting you be free, because the life I had before will soon meet up with me. So before I end this letter this is what I have to say; I love you, I love you, I love you Jessica. You will always be my first, my last, and my only………..I close the letter reminiscing on the words I love you, wondering where can he be? I open up my window embracing the fresh cold air, then I whisper softly in the breeze; I love you, I love you, please come back to me.

The sky is gray…….I can see clouds with a shade of black.
The atmosphere is quiet and still. The breeze is very cold,
Really really cold. I hugged myself hoping that I will feel a
Little of warmth, thinking why does this day feel so strange?  
Why isn't their any one around? I wonder why it feels like am alone. How did I get here? I really don’t remember. I placed my hand on the bench that I am sitting on, and I look around me. To see if I can find the reason why I am here and all I see is this tree. The tree is the color of the sky, its slowly withering away. Its beauty is no longer there. It sits still in the breeze, in the cold breeze. It has been neglected. Its radiance has disappeared, so no one cares for it anymore. They left it there to die; they left it there to be alone. Now I remember, I remember why I am here. I am here because this tree reminds me of me. I lost my beauty, I lost my radiance, and I am also slowly withering away. That’s why I feel so cold, that’s why I feel so alone. I am here, because the tree is an image of me. I am neglected and left alone. No one cares for me anymore……..Oh tree, we are the same. We have lost our beauty, our radiance, and our reason to shine bright. Now we are a dim light, slowly dying out. We have no one but each other…….Oh tree, you use to be beautiful, didn't you? I bet your flowers use to shine bright in the sun. Your branches were once brown, your leaves were bright green………Oh tree, you was magnificent, breathtaking, and divine. Everyone wanted to be around you, to admire your beauty, and by doing that they would of smile. You've made people smile, you've made people happy, but where are they now? Why aren't they here? Why can’t they see your are still beautiful. Why did they leave you alone to whither away, why? Why isn't there anyone here to take care of you, or for you to put a smile on their face? I’m just like you tree, I lost my beauty, and I don’t make people smile no more. Better yet people don’t even care to make me smile. I placed my hand on the tree, it felt so cold, just like me. I lay there next to the tree embracing its pain, its suffery, and its misery. I just lay there next to the tree we were both alone we both stayed still and quiet in that cold breeze. I just lay there as we both whither away …….together.