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Bianca Hodge May 2021
Right before your eyes a person with so much pain you couldn’t see, to your eyes I was fine, happy, jolly and complete, however I was dying struggling to breath. My body felt heavy ready to give away, I fight every morning contemplating if I should stay. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I wanted to go, I wanted all the noise to stop because I couldn’t hear my voice anymore. When I smile at you, I guess you thought I was okay, a happy person with hopes and dreams ready to take the world on. However, the world defeated me, I couldn’t fight anymore the little strength I had was enough to survive barely. At times I try to get your attention to let you know, I'm reaching to the point where I won't be able to do it anymore. But you didn’t see, you couldn't hear the child in me crying, begging for someone to save them. Help me it cries, see me it says, I'm here and I'm drowning, and I cannot breathe. How can you not see me, are you choosing to ignore the desperate silent cries that escape me? The pain, if you feel this pain, I wonder if you would have saved me. Would you have took the time to stop and embrace me? I needed your help because I couldn’t save myself. My demons were winning, poisoning me with their malice, infecting me with their diseases. Slowly eating away my existence, I didn’t know who I was anymore? But I guess it's too late, the deed has been done, I'm finally free, now it's too late for you to save me.
Bianca Hodge Feb 2020
I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. I tried to protect you from the pain, but you still choose to stay. You ignore my warnings when I told you that I’m damage and broken. You ignore me when I tell you I’m toxic and I will infect you with my disease. You were blinded by my temporary happiness and the brief moments I made you smile. But you ignore the chaos that was staring you right in the face. You misunderstood my warnings as me playing hard to get. I wasn’t, I know I would of hurt you, I know I would of cause you so much pain. I wanted to save you from me, because I didn’t want you to be another victim of my emotional crimes. When I say I’m damage is because I will infect you with the poison and trauma that had followed me from my past. I don’t want to dim your bright light that sometimes makes it way to my darkness. I don’t want you to hate me just like everyone else. I don’t want to rob you of your bright smile and the way you speak with life. My darkness will stain you and it will break your heart, it will corrupt you and devour your light and all you will be left with is pain, hate, and tears. So, please listen to me when I say stay away, don’t try to save me because instead of saving me you will lose yourself. And once again you will be another victim of a crime I can never undo, because once your infected by my darkness you will never know love again.
Bianca Hodge Dec 2019
I never had a chance, you see some people has it easy, so easy it flows like a river. And then you have those where luck is not on their side. It baffles me to see the amount of times I came so close and it slip through my hands. As I go forward the trail of bodies left in the path behind me, I should feel disgusted maybe ashamed but all I feel is numbness. I don't how it became this bad, so bad that when I scream there’s no sound, no one can hear me, no one sees me, all they know is what they want to know. It’s easier if I don’t get to close, it’s easier if they hate me after they've loved me. Why can't I reciprocate it why is it so hard to give it back, sometimes I want to, but I just can’t. The fear I have it's so immense drowning me and dragging me all the way to the bottom and for some reason, I feel comfort there. Why do I end up in the arms of pain I know it doesn't love me, but I go back anyways. I love the bittersweet taste it gives me knowing it’s just temporary and then I will be empty again. I love the ride and despair it puts me through because then I don’t have to feel I just enjoy being alone. You think I want to be this way; I feel you judging me, you think I want to hurt people what happened to the people who hurt me? The people who I was supposed to trust but they left me all alone, everyone leaves they never fight for me they just leave. So yes, I'm that pretty rose they pick, admire and when my thorns ***** their fingers they throw me down and stomp on me. They don't like the pain; they don’t like the blood, but I'm used to it dripping out my wounds. Funny isn't it when I do try the universe says no, there is no way of winning. Maybe I'm just good for one night and easy times or maybe is karma for all the sins I've done in the past. I don’t even know if I have a heart anymore, I don't even know who I am. I try and try and honestly I don’t care anymore, they will only start caring when you're gone. I want to love someone where I can be in their arms and be safe because I don’t feel safe especially with me. I'm fighting every day just to live, I want to cry, but I don't remember how, how do you forget to cry? I don’t even remember how to feel I don't want to be here anymore please someone find me, help me, please. It’s getting too much it's really hard to swallow I can feel my throat closing up. I hate who I see in the mirror, is this really me? No wonder they leave I'm not good enough, so why do I exist? oh yeah to fulfill some desires and be a punching bag to others. They don’t see me, and I know they never will so all I have is me and only me.
Bianca Hodge Dec 2018
You think you’re the only one who felt pain?
I felt that too.
You think you’re the only one who was left alone, cast away, hurt and humiliated?
I felt that too.
You think you were the only one who got they’re heart ripped out and forgotten?
Trust me, I felt that too.
You’re not alone, it wasn’t only you, I felt all these things too.
They say they love me one day, and the next day they didn’t.
They told me I was they’re whole world, and then they were gone.
I gave them everything, my trust, my love, and loyalty, they were the only person I see.
But still, they chose to hurt me.
You’re not the only one who had heartbreaks, pain, and suffering.
You’re not the only one that people just forget and leave behind.
You’re not the only one that relied on one person who supposed to love you, but instead, they make you feel worthless and sad inside.
You’re not the only one who wakes up and wish it would end, that you don’t have to put on a fake smile and pretend.
You’re not the only one whose heart has turned frozen cold, and just can’t do it anymore.
Most of all, you’re not the only one who have scars that run so deep, that might take a long time to heal.
I’m still here!
I’m still here trying to love you.
I’m still here trying once again.
I’m still here because of the good I see in you, and I know you're worth it.
I’m still here trying to be there for you and show you that you can always try again.
But you constantly push me away.
You constantly say I will hurt you.
You constantly give me excuse after excuse, because deep down you know that you love me.
Don’t you want to try again?
I know it’s frightening, trust me I’m scared too, no matter how much you try to push me away I still want you.
But if you don’t wake up and open your eyes and see, eventually when you finally do, I won’t be here anymore.
And this time who will you blame? me or you?
Bianca Hodge Apr 2016
Call me old fashion, but just once I want to get it right. Am not perfect no one is, but I really want to be the best I can be as a woman. To obtain the education I need to climb the ladder of success, and to be able to provide for myself in the future. With God as my teacher, my protector and my shield. He will mold me into the woman he wants me to be. A role model to those who look up to me, a helping friend to those who are in need. But most of all when the time is right, a wonderful wife to the man who earns my heart, love, loyalty, and trust. Out of that love I hope to create a precious bundle of joy to love, nurture, and protect. I want to be the best I can be as a mother to my child or children. And to be one of the pillars to hold my family together. Life is not perfect,  but as I said before just once I want to get it right with someone.
Bianca Hodge Jul 2015
Just once I don't want it to be ***, but I want it to be love. I want to get lost in your existence, and connect with you in a different world. I don't want it to be something I will regret, or something I didn't truly love. Just once I want them to look at me , like there is no one else they see, but me. I just want passion and pleasure, not fun and games. I want you to enter inside of me with love , lust ,sweetness, and trust. It's like you're giving me you're all , and i'm giving you my vulnerability. I want to feel you against my skin, as your heat warms me up, and I feel security in your arms. And when you pull me closer to reach deep inside my universe, I just feel safe along with ecstasy, love and pleasure. Just once I want make love with my soul mate, instead of *** with the wrong one.
Bianca Hodge Jun 2015
I can't do it! I can't stand the fact that you might not return.
I can't stand the fact of burying you six feet under ground, and at the end of the day all they can do is hand me flag.
Don't get me wrong we all go one day, but I'm selfish, I want you all to myself!
I cant allow you to go fight in wars for such a corrupt world, because at the end of the day there no difference has been made.
So yes I will be selfish, because I want my kids to have there father near.
I will be selfish, because I can not bear sleeping alone.
I will be selfish because you're my word, my lover and my friend.
I will be selfish, because my world will stop and I will crash just knowing you don't exist anymore.
I WILL BE SELFISH! Because I love you will all my heart, you're my happiness and you're my strength, and you always brightens up my day.
So yes I will be selfish because I cant stand to see you put on that uniform, and go far away and wondering in the back off my head will you ever return.
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