HOW ******* DARE YOU
HOW COULD YOU THINK OF TOUCHING HER WHILE YOURE IN OUR BED TELLING ME SWEET NOTHINGS
TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME

HOW COULD YOU CLAIM TO LOVE ME WHEN YOU TELL HER YOU MISS HER

DO YOU ******* MISS HER

PLEASE DONT LIE TO ME

I AM SUFFOCATING

I was only a child
Who are you to take away my innocence
Did you know that at 20 years old I would still look at myself
In the mirror and loath who I saw staring back at me?

You see, I was told that I am like chewed gum
Tainted, unwanted, disgusting
No one wants something used
Whether I wanted to be used or not

It's not fair
I WAS JUST A CHILD
NOW THAT IM OLDER I HAVE NIGHTMARES
PLEASE. LET. ME. BE.

Never will I forget this day

I was 12
Playing in my neighbors back yard
We jump roped, played hopscotch
I was happy

One day we were listening to the radio
Singing, dancing and laughing
He called us inside to have lunch

His hand wrapped around the small of my back
I flinched, my heart stopped
Something was wrong
and I did not know yet what it was

He asked his daughter to leave the room
As I began to leave with her
I was demanded to stay
as the door locked, my heart dropped I couldnt breathe

He looked so pleased with him self as his eyes looked me up and down
I tried to run
He grabbed my wrists and threw me on the floor

What happened next forever changed me
I can not get the images out of my head
Did he know how much he would mentally **** me up?
Does he know the mental issues I now suffer because of him?

Did he know that years down the road
When I was finally married to the love of my life
and he would try to hold my hand or kiss my forehead
I'd flinch in fear?

Many times has my husband held me while I sobbed in our bed
He watched me suffer through this pain
and deal with me being so torn up inside
it kills him.

What really ****** me up
was when I was 12
and I learned that the world is cruel
You will be abused and hurt

And no one will stop it from happening.

I crave the gentle kiss of the blade against my skin
Whispering sweet words of comfort and relief
"No one will understand, I can heal your soul"

Red.
My pale skin turns red, inside I'm screaming
I sit calm watching every part of me tremble

Who is this inside my skin?
I do not recognize the monster who is living within me
This monster is taking over me.

Inwardly I am screaming, pleading
Someone please please find me
Save. Me

I was found the next day
Bleeding on the floor
Sorry for the mess I left

I can not communicate the feelings I have- often I find myself screaming in my mind to just say it, tell them "I'm numb to everything and I am sad" but I refuse myself but then in turn hurt those who try to love me and come close to me.

It is not advised that you come near me, be my friend nor even acquaintance for I will pull every ounce of  life out of you. I will draw you in with my smile make you laugh with my quick wit, you will love me and I know it, for I have watched people fall in love with me far too many times.

But once you watch me fall into the home of my demons you think you can be my ultimate cure.

You will try and seek an answer and perhaps put my pieces back together once more- the last whom has tried gave up, as will you.

What is broken can not be fixed not even with the greatest amount of love, care and patience. You will leave feeling weak and angry- everyone always does but do not fret, for you will soon forget me as I am still trapped in the deep corners of my mind- trying to find a way to escape.

Years after you have forgotten me and all our pleasant memories fade- we will reunite once again when you stand above my grave. My demons devoured me- took me away and you will remember the day you took my hand and said " I will not go away"

But where were you

Where did you go

I'm sorry for the blood I left in the sink

"You won't feel this- I promise"  that's the problem

My bones will ache
When I awake from my deep slumber
Slow heavy breaths leave my lungs
I wish each one were my last

I plead to God
{if there is a God}
That he will take me
That I might die before tomorrow

Reflecting upon my life
Looking at how worthless
Meaningless I truly am
I abandon all hope to surviving

I use to know what it was like to have a soul
And to look forward to life with purpose
Now all I feel is a hollow chest and no hop

I remember how it felt;
You fingers slowly touching my skin.
I can still hear the way you said
"I'll never let you go"

But I lay here and wonder
"Why did you let me go?"
Was it something I did or said?
Or did you decide I was no longer worth it?

As I close my eyes I still see
The way your sapphire eyes looked into mine.
My eyes open and I'm overcome with pain
Why did you leave me?

B.G.K