I've been fantasizing death like a child fantasizes Disneyland
It seems that death is the only thing right now that could bring that kind of joy
A renewal of innocence that will bring me back to Main Street
but the only street I see now is the one at my feet as I walk with my head down
staring at the ground while trying to hide the frown that's forever buried in my skull.
I want to reach out or float out into an empty void but one much more empty than the abyss,
the precipice that has become my waking thoughts.
I sleep because my dreams are my only safe place
but even now my dreams have become a dark space
so I hide my face in my pillow at night
lie awake and hope that when the morning breaks
that life will be a little more kind
maybe life will be a little more aligned with whatever it is that keeps me behind that steady pace that I used to find
as a child

When I first found love it was like a smoke bomb on the 4th of July
Blocking my vision and pulling all focus towards it
And when the smoke cleared I was left with nothing but nothing but poluted sky and the smell of burned salt

When I first found love it was like the snow in March
It was beautiful and calm
But left me cold and longing for what I had before it came along

When I first found love it was like the falling of leaves
It was fun for a time until I realized the fun was over and I then had to work to clean up the mess I had made of my grandmother's yard

When I first found love it was like riding my bike for the first time in the spring
It started rough, but I found my footing.
I found myself overconfident in what I had achieved and before I knew it, I had banged up knees and was crying from the blood.

When I first found love it was like my very first stage dive.
I jumped to the edge and found the perfect spot where I knew I would be caught.
And then I jumped. And no one caught me.
I was on the ground. Surrounded by laughter. You're such a fool. I should have known better.

When I first found love, is when I first found myself.

Alone.

But finally free

Everyone has their struggles and their mountains to climb and it sometimes seem like I'll never reach the top of mine
And yet there are moments of rest and solitude where I'm able to look back
and see where I have been.
Look back and see the beauty of the valley.

The funny thing about looking out upon these valleys is that while they in their full form are magnificent,
when you get down to details,
it's flawed.
There are cracks in the pavement,
broken street lamps,
and cracks in the foundations of every home, though seemingly small.

You get a different perspective of life looking back.
Like they say,
hind sight is 20/20.
But still there is an overall beauty.
The fact that you created that all.
The fact that even the small seemingly insignificant moments have made lasting chances to where you are now on the uphill climb to the top of your mountain.
My peaks is far ahead of me,
but I'm further up than when I started.
I've gained greater insight as to what has caused the problems,
the slips on the trail that pushed me back a little

There is a time to all things
A time for joy
A time for sorrow
But there's a time I will never understand.
It's a time that hangs in the balance
Just the right calculation between
Love
And Hate.
It's this time that I want so badly to understand
this isn't any normal time,
Normal time doesn't require thinking.
No.
This time requires your all.
And if you mess up this time,
It's done.
You're done.
This time confuses me.
I try to figure it out
I want to understand,
But I can't.
Cause this time is out of my hands.
This time is all I want.
But I can't have it.
No.
Not yet.
Cause this time.
Is when I meet you