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Jun 2015 · 334
Silentium
Kay Jun 2015
It's hard, i'll admit. Or maybe, like you said, I make it hard. But the thing is, my love, how do i really begin to talk about something I know naught of ?How do i describe the numbing sadness,  the devastating mental pain?
How do i even describe anything ?
Sometimes I wish I could just end it all, it's so hard being strong and to smile and try. I'm weak, I know. I could have never been like you. I tried so hard. Yeah, I'll admit, those thoughts still cross my mind every now and then. And yes, I might have given in a few times in the past.
There are still days where i eat nothing, and I bleed, and drink and do all those bad things I promised not to.
I guess, today-tonight, is one of those nights.
May 2015 · 625
A letter
Kay May 2015
To anyone who has cared,
I'm sorry I leave you with this burden upon you now. To bear the weight of another lost cause. I am sorry I left you with so much mess to clean up. Clorox removes the blood, but the image is still there, isn't it ? I could apologize for everything, even by existence truly. But I am tired. I have exhausted all that was in me. My soul is tired. Tired of being strong. Tired of trying to please everything, and everyone. I am tired of being who you want me to be, I am tired of being misunderstood. Of having no one care enough to pull me back in when I needed it most. You made it obvious tonight, that you were tired of me. Tired of me, and my emotional baggage. Of my demons, of my problematic life. Trust me, I dont blame you. Anyone would have exhausted faster than you did. You pushed til it was evident, you were running on your last bits of sanity. I am sorry, I did everything I promised that I wouldn't do. I've made it harder for you; although so many times, I've tried so so much harder to make it so much more easier. I always failed. One of the many things I was never good at. Although, I'm staring at my screen, the luminosity hurting my eyes, wishing you'd try and push and care. I put myself in this position. I lied and said I was okay, I wasn't. I was breaking, being torn apart into pieces so unrecognizable. I was crying, I was heaving, and you pushed. I saw, but I pushed back. And i guess, Sweetheart, I guess that you simply couldn't take it anymore. I dont blame you. I'm horrible, a mess. You deserve better. A girl who would sing you lullabies with her smooth soft voice. Someone who threaded easily and gracefully. Rather, not a person who cried and screamed in agony because of her own personal torment. Not a girl born with two left feet, so clumsy I was in everything. I say was, and not am, because all I feel now is the dying embers of a soul that once was. And not is. All I feel is the ashes of a life that could have sprouted vibrantly and beautifully, but rather allowed the weeds to consume her. You were never one for poety, and I guess you'll never understand what I say, would you ? I guess I could apologize for that too. Even when I'm gone I'm confusing you, causing worry and doubt and hurt. What a sad excuse of a life, right ? I'm sorry I let you in so much, only to bring you so very down. I should have saved you from the fall. Who knows, you might just never read this. And all my words, my inconsistent, depressive ***** would be lost to times. I am a waste. A sad shell of a girl, a ghost of a pretty face. I left you without a warning, without a whisper. Without a sound. Im sorry my love, for the incomparable grief that I have ensued to your sensitive soul. I hope you do find someone better, I hope she treats you like I should have, like I couldnt have. I could have heard you said, I pushed you away, it was my fault. But you just wouldn't understand how depressing it could get. How ******* sad I felt. I haven't talked to anyone in the past 3 days. I lied when i said it was just today. I lied because you had exams. Maybe one day, you'd find this, and you'd hate me even more for the fact that yet again, she's hidden something from you. Yet again, I have lied.
I'm sorry.
Maybe the ***** would hit my veins before I do. Maybe the meds would.
And maybe, you'd be happier eventually without me around.
I'm sorry love. I'm sorry.
And maybe you'd figure out that I'm gone when you're done taking your space as well.
Mar 2015 · 2.2k
Comfortably Numb
Kay Mar 2015
I cant remember the last time I felt the real pang of depression. Their words just pass through me, it doesn't sting anymore. The way you constantly make me feel inadequate doesn't even bother me like it used to . And sometimes, then I wonder, what if i got so used to the constant pain and sadness, that I, in a sick distorted way, made the feeling normal, and live in it, like it is my shadow, unfurling and consuming me, turning me to stone. But it scares me, the way I just don't seem to feel. I'd never be good enough, I would never be good enough; that is something I've seemed to tell myself so much that now it just causes a slight shrug, or the soft remembrance of that sickening feeling in your stomach right before you were about to cry. Am I okay ? Would I be considered okay ? Why can't I show empathy for the people I care about ? Where has my emotion gone. I see the world in varying shades of grey. There is nothing exciting to my life anymore, I have given up what once seemed to be enjoyable, and replaced it with this sickening grey tinted glasses. I can't draw, my imagination always evades my endeavors to express what I keep bottled in the far depths of my rusted soul. I can't paint. I've lost the joy of colour and everything I create is never good enough ( Like myself.) But, somewhere inside my head, I do know that I'm somewhat comfortable with this lack of feeling. I don't mind not crying, not feeling, not expression. I feel like I am just a fleeting shadow on life's tapestry, not even an image. But I do not mind the lack, *I have made the grey scale my home, and the shadows are my friends.
Im trying, i swear.
Feb 2015 · 499
But We Were So Strong
Kay Feb 2015
You carved your name into my chest; I didn't even get a fingerprint on your face.
Kay Feb 2015
Never blame yourself for being hurt; rather blame the person who did it. So when you're up at 3 a.m. crying because you saw his hand around another waist, remember;
It was never your fault, you are not the problem. Never blame yourself for not being their version of "good enough". You are made with flawed traits, yes, but they are stitched together with unconditional love. And one day, someone will always remind you that you are, more than ever enough.
2. Not everyone you smile with, would mirror it back, nor would every soul you share your heart with, give a bit in return. That doesn't make you gullible, nor them bad. You cannot love everyone, neither will every soul take to yours.
3. Never listen to the one negative insult against the roar of approval. Jealousy is a wicked fruit. Never succumb to it.
4. Never settle, never stay within that which makes you comfortable. People always prefer what they are used to, rather than the heart wrenching, pounding, scare of the unknown.
5. "No" is a very powerful word. Learn to use it. Never feel guilty because you aren't doing what they want.  You are your own person. Make your own decisions, and stand strong upon them, unshakable.
6. People, come in all different types. No one, two people are the same. Do not stretch your head to kiss the *** of everyone. Do not try to cater for every soul. Its okay to have your discrepancies and your dislikes. No one ever pleased everyone and lived to tell a happy tale.
7.Your past should never prevent you from advancing forward. What's done has happened, and whilst you regret that kiss, the touch, the penetrating 30 minutes in a tiny stall, his musty breath on your fine skin, it cannot be undone. Erase the memory, look forward, wipe the slate clean. Tomorrow is another day. It's okay, you'll be okay.
8. The stares and gossip only last so long, hold your head high. They laugh now, keep your perseverance, it will pay off in the end. Never fall prey to a wolf with dead threats; all they say is nothing but garbled attempts to fit in and ostracize.
9 You might find yourself cutting your neck off for a person who wouldn't take a bruise for you; they wouldn't even hold an umbrella open. Don't fall pity to being stepped on.
10. You will love, you will try, you will burn out, and you will come back again. No one said life was an easy road. No one guaranteed that he meant when he said he'd love you. No one promised a happy ever after. Make your own ending,
*Endure child, Endure.
Feb 2015 · 1.3k
The Last Lost Continent
Kay Feb 2015
I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you -
heard your voice but couldn't tell that it was you.
And, slowly, watched your sickness slip away into a place
that I'd once feared but I was not afraid this time
So I gave chase and found it, finally, slowly feeding from your head,
And from my friends, and from my family, so I grabbed it by the neck.
"For every lover you have ruined..." I dug my nails into its flesh.
"...and every life that you have taken..."
Slammed its head against the brick.
Its blood poured out onto the pavement,
I stirred it in with dirt and spit,
"I will take a part of you."
I made mortar from the mix.
Tore every ***** from its body,
broke its bone and fashioned bricks,
I laid the mortar in between,
I made a throne for hope to sit.
"Too long you've torn us into pieces,
firmly held onto our wrists. Today I bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.

I'll hold you, as you have held me -
you've held me in your heart, we'll be set free from fear.
We've felt our failures.
We've watched our passions leave, but we're still breathing on.
I'll hold you, as you have held me,
You've held me in your heart.
(And I will hold you in my heart)

But I still see him dead in the parking lot at the gas station just down the street.
And I still hear my friend say,
"You know, you wouldn't believe the things I saw when I was stationed overseas."
But he somehow keeps smiling in spite all of that,
while I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad
Oh, how selfish of myself to always say that it was more than I could take,
like it was pain I could not shake,
like it could break me with its fingers, throw my body in the lake,
and I would slowly sink away
but the Truth is it was sorrow that I made and would not face.
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out
to make the anguish last like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering
and uncertainty in happiness and death,
because what's next is such a mystery to me.
I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see.
Friends and family, put your hand into my hand and lay your head into my chest.
You are all that I have left here
We are all that we have left.

We are the lovers, We are the last of our kind.
Link your arms and keep your chin up
and I swear that we'll be fine.
We are the lovers, We are the last of our kind.
Though we're not sure who we are, we keep our heads up
though we're not sure where we're from, we keep our hearts up
though we're not sure when we'll leave, we keep our heads up
though we're not sure where we'll go, we keep our hopes up

Keep your head up. we're fine. Just keep your head up.
I swear we'll be alright.
Keep your head up. Oh, my friends, keep your head up. and I swear we'll never die.
I swear we'll get home safe and sound, we'll live on underground
I will give your heart a place to rest when everything you had has turned and left.
I'll weave your names into my ribcage; lock your hearts inside my chest.
Regain the passion I once carried; do away with all the rest.
I tore the sickness from your bodies; smashed its head against the bricks.
I made a castle from its bones that you may always dwell in it.
So sing for every buried moment that you'd thought would never end.
And sing your fears about the future; and a dirge for faded friends.
For all the love that you had held to, why it somehow failed to keep.
And sing each minute you've been frightened;
every hour that you've lost sleep
And sing for all your friends and family; sing for those who didn't survive.
But sing not for their final outcome; sing a song of how they tried.
We live amidst a violent storm; leaves us unsatisfied at best,
So fill your heart with what's important, and be done with all the rest.
We are what's left of what we once were
We are falling far behind.
There's so much stacking up against us and we're running out of time.

We are but hopeful children, and we're the last of our kind.
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but friends and family, we are the last of our kind.
So hold my hand, I'll lift your head up, and I promise we'll be fine.
We are but hopeful lovers, and we are running out of time.
There's so much stacking up against us, and we're falling far behind.
We are but hopeful lovers, we are the last of our kind,
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but lovers, we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but lovers, we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, we will never
**die.
We are but lovers,

— The End —