when the darkness finally creeps in -
after days
weeks
months
of brilliant light -
it comes in waves.
pulsing, body crushing
waves.
until eventually it takes over your body
putting you to sleep
ending your hunger
suppressing your mind
letting you think nothing but of the darkness that surrounds
you.

end it.
end the darkness.
there are no
flowers in darkness
laughter in darkness
colors and rainbows and shiny objects in darkness
there are no
home cooked meals in darkness
morning-made beds in darkness
cleansing in darkness.

so end it.
end the darkness.
find the light.
grab the light.
and never let go.

end the darkness // a.s.

im too stressed
to write
it seems as though my brain has trapped
all of my creativity
within a leak proof box
so i sit bored and disappointed
and you wait around for the brilliance inside me
to create a escape plan
and break free

I asked you what love felt like and you explained
how your stomach flutters like butterflies trapped in a glass jar and how her eyes seem to sparkle brighter than the stars on any given late July night.
I asked you what love felt like and you explained
how your body shook with the intensity of a thousand earthquakes
and how your skin ached and your lips burned when you realized you lost her.

And when you don't feel like you're enough,
everything becomes too much.
*enough // a.s.

Today is a good day.
Snowflakes are falling.
The birds are singing in their cage.
The dogs are asleep by the fireplace.
Your legs are intertwined with mine
as we lazily flip through television channels.
Today is a good day.
*good day// a.s.

Today,
I am sad. Unbelievably sad. The kind of sad that you fear you will never overcome. As if this feeling can and will consume you forever. Slowly but surely.
I believe that this sadness is a monster, the one you believe is under your bed, the one you're too afraid to check for in fear of being face to face with a yellow-eyed, gnarling beast, in fear of being face to face with your death.
today i am sad // a.s

When you left I didn't cry. When you left I didn't scream. When you left I didn't collapse into a pile of mush on the ground. When you left I simply smiled and went to bed.
-i'm not going to miss you // a.s

roses are red... and blue and orange and white.
violets are blue...  but they are also yellow and purple and pink.
there is no point to this poem, or at least none that is clear,
and thats quite alright because you shouldn't be living your life to one standard, like red or blue, my dear.

Because as we sat there under that tree one chilly Autumn afternoon all I could think was, "****, I could love her forever."
-and this is why we would never work // a.s.

Forcing her to say "I love you,"
while your hands are curled around her side
and your breath is taking sharp jabs at her neck.
She'll cry out the most beautiful string of 3 words you've ever heard
just to wake up from the nightmare.
"Say it and I'll let go"
Do I need to show you how I love you,
why I love you?
Does my black stare hurt yet?
Do my lips burn?
Because that is what love is, right?
Repetition of a the most beautfiful string of 3 words you've ever heard,
just to wake up from the nightmare.
-do you call this abuse? // draft // a.s.

laugh because you burnt the toast and spilled the juice
cry because your book has come to an end
sleep when you are tired
and awaken when you are rested.
cradle your lover as if you were a child, yet again
wear old tacky sweaters that are a little too snug
and sip hot cocoa by the fire.
sing in the shower, no, perform in the shower
believe in fairytales and love at first sight
run with your dogs
and pay your bills on time.
kiss with tongue
write a song,
and then sing it on karaoke night at your favorite bar
call your family
and learn to live again.
-learn to live again // a.s.

and the silent tears rolling down her cheeks
were like diamonds falling upon her vintage bed sheets.
-diamond tears // a.s.

Consumed by sad thoughts
and fake smiles.
-consumed // draft // a.s.

You're asleep in my arms,
drunk and unaware.
But help me Lord,
for I could hold you close forever.
-it's 4am and you're drunk // a.s.

tell me that you'll love me
even when my skin wrinkles
and my hair is thin.
tell me that you'll love me
when my knees go weak
and my laugh is shallow.
tell me that you'll love me
even when my eyes are sinking and there is no longer a flame.
tell me that you'll love me
when we're old and all we have left is the memories from
when you told me you loved me.
-tell me that you'll love me // a.s.

Why fix your hair
if you know he wont notice?
Why buy new perfume
if you know he will never be close enough to smell it?
Why paint your face with hundred of dollars
if he wont even look you in the eyes?
Why lay awake at 1 am,
staring at your phone
when you know he wont come to your rescue?
Is it because you miss him?
Because you miss his soft hair
Because you miss his musk
Because you miss the way his eyes used to light up when he saw you
Because you miss the way his voice made you feel safe?
Why won't you move on from someone who did you wrong?
-it's too late for why // a.s.

I give up.
I'm tired of being someone that doesn't mean anything to anyone,
I'm tired of being helpless and confused,
I'm tired of being tired.
I just want to be full again,
full of energy,
full of hope,
full of ambition.
But I give up,
because I've been tired for a while now,
and I can't seem to find a reason to go on.
-giving up // a.s.

He was a magician
and she was a little girl in the stands,
mesmerized by his grace and power.
Wondering how he managed enthrall her,
how he never failed to impress,
how even though he kept pulling and pulling,
colorful tissues always appeared out of his sleeve,
as if there was an endless amount of wonders spilling from him.
magician // a.s.

Don't.
Don't tell me not to do drugs,
If you plan on becoming one.
You say,
"It will use up all of your time,
take all of your money,
leave you hanging when you need it most,
abandoning the destoyed masterpiece that you once were."

You told me,
"Stay strong."
"Be above the influence."
"You'll get addicted, stay away."
But what you didn't tell me was how addicting you were.
How did you expect me to "stay strong" against our 4 am phone calls,
when you'd tell me you loved me and all the things I was to become.
How was I supposed to "be above the influence" when you made a move,
running your cold, large hands up and down my shirt.
and finally
How did you have the nervous to say "you'll get addicted, stay away," when in the end I was addicted,
addicted to something you finally gave me,
something called love.

But according to you love is
overrated and highly dramatized,
but by the time I knew that you were my drug,
you had already wasted 2 years of my time,
spent all of my money,
hung me out to dry,
and abandoned me, leaving me a destroyed and unwanted
masterpiece.
abandoned masterpiece // a.s.

"I wanted you to fight for me"
because you never did.
You faught more
for the last cookie
then you ever did for me.
So, while you ran
free and weak,
someone else had been fighting for me
getting stronger,
slowly stealing my heart.
And when my heart was finally taken,
you decide to fight,
but you were
too late and too fragile.
He took you out in one hit.
and all I can say is,
"I wanted you to fight for me."
-i wanted you to fight for me // a.s.

I walk around school and people know me,
they smile and nod and say my name,
as if delighted to see me
but no one actually takes the time
to get to know me.
The fragile and vulnerable me.
I always have this
hard,
******,
and kind of sensitive exterior,
but really,
I'm an emotional mess
and no one knows that
so I'm stuck
being emotionally lonely
in a room of people
who "love and care" for me.
loved and cared for ******* // a.s.

You weren't mine.
In fact, you were never even close to mine,
but I liked to think you were.
not mine // a.s.

When I was younger,
I wanted to be an artist.
I aspired to be someone
who made a difference,
like
Picaso or Vincent Van Gogh.
Someone who was remembered.

So like every little kid who has a dream,
I pursued it.
Saving up all the allowence I earned
In just 3 weeks
I had a total of $12.80.
Enough to fund the dream of a child.

I realized,
I loved drawing.
From the minute I picked up my
$2.50 pencil,
I knew my dream was going to come true;
Even if it started with doodles...
of flowers and stick people.

So eventually I grew up and I gave up that dream
of being an artist that makes a difference.
I gave up,
because I couldn't master drawing the perfect person.
I couldn't draw
how the persons eyes shinned when they saw the love of their life,
I couldn't capture
the beauty in the young girls smile
as she ran through the field of daisys towards her father,
who was coming home from war.

I realized that you can't capture the beauty and the memories
that someone holds
with a dream and a $2.50 pencil.
drawing // a.s.

As your bestfriend
of 24 years,
I am required to know
everything.

So when you broke your arm,
due to a baby tree
and a few too many cupcakes
I was the first to know.

We sat alone in your basement,
high on soda and frozen pizzas
and the highscore to your ridiculious video game
was finally beat,
I was there with you;
The first one to know.

On your birthday
you were finally,legally,
allowed to drink.
You got so drunk
you called
"the love of your life",
also known as your mother;
I was the only one to know.

And,
When you fell in love,
Everyone knew.

I sat up all night and wondered,
wondered how I hadn't seen it.

How had I not seen that
all along
I loved you,
and you loved me.
all along // a.s.

If I told you,
"I love you."
Would you run?
Would you laugh in my face?
Would all my fears come true?

If I told you,
"I love you."
Would you kiss me?
Would you say it back?
Would all my dreams come true?

If I told you,
"I love you."

The catch is
If;
Because I know, I won't,
The risk of me loosing you is too much to bear.
the catch is if // a.s.

When I was 5,
I laid bed
and awoke screaming in fear.
You held  me until I was calm
looking at me with your brilliantly green eyes;
you smiled
and told me,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

When I was 9,
I laid in the dentist chair.
The silly man said
I had a cavity.
So you walked up to me,
and put my tiny hand inside yours
and you said,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

And when I was 15,
I laid in bed and cried
because I was bullied on the first day of highschool.
You walked in holding a box of tissues,
and you sang to me with your beautiful voice,
until I felt okay.

For a second I believed you,
thinking everything would be okay.

At age 17,
someone broke into our house.
As we hid in the closet
I laid frozen in fear.
The only thing keeping me calm
was the smell of your perfume.
As the smell started to fade,
you whispered,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

Now, I'm 23,
and you're the one laying down,
but this time,
you're in an old white hospital room
eating stale bread and mashed potatos.
As you ate I watched you
and noticed;
the way the smell of mildew over powers your perfume,
the way your sparkling green eyes sunk into your skull,
the way your fragile hands held my own.

Finally you glanced up at me,
smiling,
you said,
"I'll be okay -
believe me."
you'll be okay // a.s.