taken not lost
for death for life
white flowers
blossomed from the land
damp with rain
and morning dew
not to bear fruit
only to bring light
then wilt
an eternal flutter
into color

I miss the way things used to be gentle
when fornication was sweet
and you felt why it would be called making love
When did it become just a primal thing you did
with people who couldn't say they love you
I can't say there's no passion
but I want to be more than a receptacle
for someone's leftover cathartics.
What happened to our slow dances
and all the joy of teasing through shy glances
How did we get right to being *******
and the company of toys and afterthoughts
I thought you knew I only wanted you
without the adornments and games
there's a world of things we haven't done yet
with our bodies you've yet to whisper my name
But now there's no healing to this ***
and I miss the way things used to be gentle.

I wonder what it's like to know that two and a half years later, you're still the center of his heart. I wish I could have that space, to finally take that place. Because despite his reassurances of being mine, you're still the one he chooses everytime. I've come to despise the month of May, for those are with you, his best of days. He mocks me with your presence, disrespecting the time we share in the present. There's a child in me that wants to beg, but here I lay in my sorrow instead. Wanting for him to let go of his dime, to finally wield his actions kind. I wonder why he chose me, to stain with such a jealousy. Your beauty is on his pedastal, a treasure I can never be. I hope one day he'll end his jest, of making me known that I am less. But I'm shown your memory I'll always have to contend, so someday he'll reveal it's all until then. I hope it won't be too late, when there's no more anguish left to wait.

You've been holding on for more than two years
and I can't fight with that kind of memory
All the time you've had to romanticize a lost
and hit replay on the moments
I have my own nostalgia and what if questions too
But I tucked them away when we became
so I wouldn't be afflicting on you this torment

So I don't need to replace her
And I'm not naive enough to think I can
But I can only be a part of an us
That I don't have to compete for
Because I'm me and you say you've made your choice
But the most unkind thing you can do
Is compare me to a memory.

Rest enough for the both of us
I know you're in peace
you send some to me daily
I'll always remember your lessons
hustle with dignity
and grind for the life of me
be kind, give to charity
cuz good comes to the good
and a good soul's always the best to be
You were a brother then and are to this day
just because this world is where you were taken away
that'll never stop me from all the thanks that I'll say
You always knew how to motivate
me when I was down for the play
You were my doody, you'd hype till I stayed
I showed you my weaknesses and you'd say not today
today we'd fight and keep living stay not afraid
child's play compared to the light this life's gained

actions speak louder so I learned watching you
leading by example, always told me the truth
growing you showed and I knew, how to be greater
feel first, judge later
brother words are my savior
but you're the inspirator
can you tell I'm trying to recover to Recovery
grateful for every reason
to keep being the best of me
It's like a new discovery
I've never seen with such clarity
still going through changes
could never exercise what fame does
even if you weren't almost famous
priceless is all the exchanges, we'd
stay up all night finding something to believe
in, I'll never forget, not for an eternity
when you said you'd never regret believing in me.

Let me
want you
like this
for a little longer.

Have you trapped yourself
trying to articulate
gray
Alors Beckett
I don't always comprehend
but my eyes weep
all the same
you bicker banter
circling squares
so much nonsensical purpose
so so naturally
I'm scared to ponder for
too long it's been
too much of too little
(Pause.)
Are we all beggars
of stories
blind to all
but bind to time
seeking sunshine
Are we but a topple
away from the beginning
or endings
Humor me
(Pause.)
Did you keep coming back
leave once twice
five times in all
to spin me away
with two windows
with lights I couldn't place
with falling and entrances
and sheets of cloth
not music
not white
(Pause.)
I am laughing
at the sadness
not blind yet
Do I sit or stand
or kneel
to rejoice
Take your tools
and not quite fools
but keep me awake
I'm in an all too familiar
not quite empty
I've made no impositions
on this all too much family
(Pause.)
How did I get woven
into this game
This isn't mine
no more
my pain is killing
living
still
Listen to me
so so cuckoo
Hear me here
Me to say
Humor me
Sprout
unending
Me to say
There is no more
me
to stay
(Exit Samuel.)

Maybe I was only meant to
mend a part of your past
and not stay for your future

Why do you hesitate
Is it fear or disinterest
You're drawing circles around my clarity.

Maybe you were only meant to
reignite the poetry in me
and leave me in pieces still

Maybe we were only meant to
be all that we are
nothing more.

Maybe it's what I really needed
a lesson on slowing down
on patience

Maybe you were only meant to
bring me sweet moments
hopeful little reminders

Because you've made no move
and I've got no guesses
on what you're feeling

Maybe the truths I'm feeling here
are not the same for you
I can only speak for myself.

What are we
I feel sparks
But are we mere friends?

Yet every time
you look at me and smile
or hold me a little longer
I become more yours.

So before I go mad
Are you committed to our possibility too
or am I being a fool?

I want to fall in love with you
in my every single waking
an infinite cycle
I never want to get out of
this true kind of love

I love how you never leave me
hug deprived

and save me
from the carelessly painful words

shot at me
the world rushes at me

and only you slow things down
to make moments with me

and just lay with me never lie
I never understood why

wars were fought over freedom
until I found it in your words

and the ways you change me
you're not even trying

with you I'm a better me
I laugh louder

and smile truer
there's no belonging without you

not a place in the world
can't wait to be home

can't wait to be home  
to be with you

You
my love

are eight days
and a flight away .

Feelings and their mysteries
a lover in mind

I remember the stories you told me
of your adventures and possibilities
I remember falling in love
with every single memory of us

je suis ici
where are you now ?

I want to be in the poetry I have never written
to live the life I had never dreamed

I travel in hopes of bumping into you again
for that's how we met
by fate and crossroads
in the wild we never waited

je suis ici
where are you now ?

The world we have yet to see
Our world we have yet to create

You climbed as I swam below
together naturally
but still going farther our own ways
our movements rippled to the other

je suis ici
where are you now ?

our stones skip four times
for every time we met

We promised each other we'd venture again
hand in hand and to share a tent
we'll meet to hike the mountains
for a date behind the waterfall

*je vais être ici finalement avec toi

upstairs  

      with

             a                    

                        3am craving for some shisha smoke

                                         the lemon lime and melon mint
                                  
                         ­                                         to share a double apple

                                                          ­                        and mix it with that cinnamon

                                                               ­                                   to be not quite faded

                                                               ­                                         only relaxed enlightened

                                                    ­                                                to not lose the experience
                                                      ­                                              
                                                                ­                               remembering the faces

                                                          ­                                at a later time still
                                                           ­             
                                                   ­                                 the laughs and inside jokes

                                                          ­                   in midst the growing cloud

                                                          ­                           of flavorful smoke

                                                                ­                            we sit smile breathe

these ruffled sheets don't feel like mine .
not quite the smell of my laundry scents either ,
but familiar , like the body pressed against me hours before .
and now again

I was afraid of opening my eyes until I heard his voice
The same soft whisper that came from behind ,
the whisper that drowned out all the other voices in that busy pool hall

I was down by two ***** ,
I was stripes he was solid
it was my game but that he didn't know .

I had been kicked out ,
they called me orphaned , homeless
but that he didn't know , or so I thought
until he whispered against my neck
"if you win I'll take you home"

so we played
I played the way my brother had taught me
learning him as I go , to have him against me
from behind , his rough hands over mine .
I could barely see my fingers , as he guided them
under and over the stick , until we sank a perfect shot .
And I did end up winning , but only because I played it well ,
a hustler they called me , but that he didn't know

He took me home and we laid together ,
the game was over when the eight ball fell in .
Now we both knew how this would go
and go it went until I came over and over again
and he touched upon me again and again
until he came as I did
and we fell to rest
our breathing still synced together
as the rise and fall

and I opened my eyes
this time to the whisper of
a sleepy "hey beautiful"
and those hands gently through my hair

this may not be my bed
but this is my place .
He knows me now

echoing through the dark sky from miles away
the sound of fireworks
and you said let's just close our eyes and listen
and I knew you saw the sparks just as I did
I wonder if you felt them
as we laid together in bed and talked
mental ********
I listen to the echo of your voice in my head
it doesn't want to end
the last look I caught in your eyes
before I fell asleep against you the night before
told me as much
and we lay here now
your arm on my waist
as if making sure I would still be by your side
when you wake up
is it weird wanting to touch your lips
while your soft breath passes steadily through them
or the suddenly heightened desire
to have your body pressed against mine
with your hands in all the right places
I question whether or not this is all going to stay
being so real
because I'm here writing in the dark
to the voice of Thom Yorke
and the sound of the fireworks I can't see
and when all that goes away

You make me think the most inappropriate thoughts
in the most appropriate times
You leave me stuck hiding blushes and suppressing sighs
I didn't understand what soft features were
until those teasing eyes locked into mine
and I wanted to reach out to close the distance
between my shivering frame and your hands
Was my expression as permissive as I felt
More , was my body beckoning as my thoughts were
I guess you must have heard me through the walls
for I found your body answering my unsaid mind calls
all of you down my neck , along my back
leg to leg , knees bent at the same place
there was a little dancing , so as to appear innocent
but your voice turned me around and we were face to face
your thumb gently up and down my palm
and I took you away , we parted from the crowd
tripping onto the cushions before the door clicked shut
the length of me folded into the length of you
and we continued our not so innocent dance
a pas de deux of our voices escaping
through the rise and fall of our molded bodies
pushing each other to the finish
yes , yes oh darling yes runs through me .

a night time of ghosts
are but the absence of light
on sun lit squirrels

waterless spring rains
of showering maple seeds
and blossom petals

your breath and the breeze
cloth over my back against
the curves of the wood

this uncertainty is frightening
but fleeting

because fading are the echos
of them telling us

how this is not right
but what do they know

about you and me
about right and wrong

for in this bed of secrecy
we still find truth in you and me

so I want you to ask
is this alright
just so I can say

Yes

Through the eyes of a dying person
Living comfortably with the idea of dying
Knowing there may be more
but believing that there may not
Weighing probability and chance
With wonder

When I die
I don't want to leave with the sounds of sobbing
Nor the sirens waking up the neighbors
I want to be remembered with your love music words hope
and the happiness
of life

Most of all
To love without fear
Your promise of living on

hug me from behind
with your love  
not romance
for I'm getting better
at tearing myself away
from every little thing
that reminds me of you

*but I still recognize
even your silhouette

Saint Valentine's Day
A day of romance
just one day ?
what's that all about
Valentinus oh he who fought for love
and died for love
but who cares about that
it's not even February yet
and already people are a little crazier than usual
there’s the ones going on and on
about not having a date
true
it does seem criminal to be single on this day
But let's keep things gay

oh and then there's the boyfriends or crushes who bring flowers
chocolates
and maybe even one of those stuffed animals
holding a big red stuffed heart
that has I heart the letter U on it
then they'll lean in for the kiss
and that's how it'll all start
In her head she'll be going
"My mind's telling me no , but my body , my body's telling me yes"
and just like that you'll be set
because she'll be getting a little _ _ _
down there
and you'll get your Valentine's day ***
ew rated x
hopefully it's *** with love
hold up
What is up ?
Oh besides that of course (look down)
Get yourself a ****** and enough about that

Can't we love everyday
even if it isn't easy to say I love you
throw in a sweetheart here and an oh honey there
And the simple things
your matching rings
and what they mean
the catching of the other's eyes across the table
the accidental brushing of bodies
and you'll be blushing oh lordy
looking up only to see them smiling

What a perfect picture
isn't that what we all want
Even for those who have date after date with loneliness
There may be love
There must be love
three hundred and sixty-four other days
So much for Valentine's Day

He's my best friend
even when he disappears from the world
for a bit ,
I know all the ways he's making sure
for me to know
he's still here for me .

It's been years
and miraculously distance has been powerless
against our friendship ,

We hear over and over again
how we'll make such a cute couple
and how we'll probably get married someday ,
but none of that is important

I'm just grateful .
For every day you're in my life
for the comfortable silences
and the talks that go on until one of us falls asleep
and it goes on hours later ,

I don't think you understand .
How much all the times you let me cry meant ,
nor how many smiles the stupid things you say
have brought to me .
You are my enlightenment
and unspoken love

the hand I grasp for .
Everything that has brought me you
I thank ,
for we've both needed this fight together
to get back on our feet

and with all of me
and an embrace from you .
I know we'll never stop dancing

I had a movie moment
tonight

it was with a boy
a short elevator trip
and a walk down a hallway

I went one way
as he went the other

we had already gone
apart
when
He said Goodnight
and I said Goodnight
back
and it was just us
in that hallway
there was a sigh of a pause
then came the

Sweet dreams from him
You too was all of me

And I smiled
as I listened
to the jingling
of his keys
for he swung them
as he walked
and I saw
the little boy
in this man

I saw
in this man
and I

I think
I may have fallen
for an everyman
the one who everyone
can't help but like
and my insecurities
make me ask
do I have a chance
of being the reason
he becomes
my onlyman

I cry now
I can't help it
I'm in pieces
without your hand holding mine
I'm lost
without your voice guiding me
My world stopped being real
when you stopped being you
the boy who taught me
that men have feelings too
tears and pain
torture them the same
that's how it all began
from growing up and games
we hurt together
and healed together
broke and bonded again
and again
but it was all right
you're the reason
I stopped being scared at night
no monsters could touch me
I was safe in your sight
my dad was never a father
and my mother never knew
of the times you saved my life
and made me live it through
you loved me for my scars
all my crazy and all my weird
but most of all
you saved my life
and all that's left of you
I keep
you will never disappear

I wish you the best in my heart ,
                                                                ­              from afar .

I've written verse after verse about us
trying to piece together every memory
scrambling at anything that provokes a reminder
because you were all real
so it must have been all there
while pain revealed the truth

I got so used to
having your arm draped over my shoulder
you were the only one I'd run to
the only one I could run to whenever I broke
you'd hold me tear stained
you were one of the few who stayed
with me through the worst
while pain revealed the truth

we wrote in the sand
the teasing and our way of fighting
and I revisited the docks
we spent the hours and days of time together
where the only you and me talks happened
while pain revealed the truth

I can't swim in a lake
without hearing you
I still hold close
your music your words
I swear I still smell you in my clothes sometimes
or are those only desperate hallucinations
me cheating myself with illusions
while pain reveals the truth

*You're not here anymore

thirteen is my favorite number
unlucky I know
but it works in my mind

it's perfect
and maybe partly it's because of how disliked it is
While me

I love how the one and the three go together
and make four

and I love how they seem not to be two
the one every one usually likes
but they really are

when you take one away from three
or when you give one to negative three

they are still two

the simple mathematics of one and three
they are the possibilities

the lonely one
and the three's a crowd
but two can be too much
when no one is talking

and spelling it out just seems right
with its t-t and its e-e
and the way your tongue almost reaches your lips
when you say it out

loud

So when they ask me to
pick a number between one and ten

my number will be four
but thirteen knows

thirteen is my favorite number

you need someone to love
               you need to love someone

as I do
how easy I become
how flawless you are
how jealous we become
of each other's other worlds
until it closes in on us
and I love you so much
I love you so much

our heads tilt the same way
fingertips touch the same way
kiss the same
fear love pain
fear love pain
how naked this all has made me
shredded and stripped
torn down to nothing
I was stuck in a constant state
insomnia
you were like
a resurrecting whirlwind
and I want you to stay
I want you to stay

we'll have our midnight picnics
talks by the lake
while the oceans
and storms beyond
elude us
as our feet swing
we make our ripples
and they go on and on
and on
                           and on

I want the kind of ***
where I'm told exactly how much you want me
by the way your frame
fills in my every curve
and you touch so much of me
with your hands
and your starved eyes
I should be scared
but you'll call me beautiful
and I'll be your sweetheart
as your sweet heart beats
beats faster
and you fall into me

the moon lit my way
as I took a walk
it was two in the morning
my ears cold

the moon lit my way
as I laid down on the sidewalk
and sang
looking up at the glowing clouds

the moon lit my way
as I traced the streetlights
down the road
accompanying me all along

the moon lit my way
as I let my eyes wander
following the ripples in the sky
and the moon becoming two

the moon lit my way
as I stood up
startling a few passerbys
as I brushed myself off

the moon lit my way
as I began again
taking steps
to lay down again

the moon lit my way
as I lost my mind
to only breathing
and the steady feel of the ground

the moon lit my way
for I had no direction home
but still I belonged

the moon lit my way
as I walked on.

We met
I think it was Wyrd
how little I believe in it
an unlikely combination
with a world between us

Our big plans
as we venture our ways
two wanderers letting in the company
of a stranger and building upon hello

Our love for love
genuinely caring just because
sharing our stories through words
our poetry songs

And you comforted me
accepted me
knew me
and still loved me

Your voice in my head
I can hear you
as I read the messages you send
I can hear you

and it's you.

Walking the other way
Doing anything she can
to forget that face

Can she tell that stranger she cares
find meaning , be meaning
and make meaning

Wanting to be held
the way a man wraps his arms around the woman he loves

Taken by a stranger
she doesn't dare hope to meet