We are all
just lifetimes
searching for
       infinities.
     And the broken
    parts or who
we were
      should never
          be excluded
   from the beauty
of what we
are.
     -Andrew Durst

Thanks for the inspiration,
And all your broken things.
These moments of silence
Are barely holding me
               Together.

So, don't be the one
That shatters my sanity
With the echoing sounds
Of distant cries
Originated from things like
            Lust and love.

Put me on your assembly-line.
Manufacture me limb by limb.
Make me transparent to all of the pain I used to know,
love me like the back-beat to your favorite songs,

      let your passion move me,
and I will
do the
same.

and whether you want to hear it or not-
time eventually runs out.

and I know it's hard to accept
and I know death is
often times
petrifying
and it's okay to
be afraid
of what you do not know
because
I too
have no clue
as to what
awaits me on the
other side.

All I know is-

there is one.

After all this suffering.
After all this grief.
After all the highs to
low's and
the dramatic
in-betweens-

there is more to this life
than simply being here.

And a part of me would like to believe
that what we do here;
matters.

And even if it's a tiny gesture
or a massive shift in
humanity-

we all play our part.

We are all tiny messages
in fragile glass bottles
that we are too scared
to break out of.

Life is unpredictable
and we-
foolish and naive-
take our opportunities
for expression
for granted.

It is senseless to keep
anything back.

It is asinine
to believe
anything
less than
transparency
will bring us

freedom.

It won't.

Say what's on your mind
before it's too late.

And don't be one of those people
that say they

can't.

I'm quite aware of the
           "Mistakes"
That I have made.
And I understand what the
     "Consequences"
Are for everything I've
         Done.
So there is absolutely
       No need
For you to remind me.

      I'm quite
           Content
                With it all.

Today marks another day that I woke up.
One more day I was able to smell the scent of fresh cut grass and early June.
      Where I was able to feel the gentle friction from these cotton sheets.
See the sun glistening through my blinds.
     Listen to the birds sing and my ceiling-fan hum a tune while all the air brushes down upon me in patterned strokes.
    Today marks another day where I am able to make sense of things.
Like the bold taste of coffee,
and a well-timed cigarette.

You are the reason I am
breathing, talking,
compassionate, and giving.
You've given me life
education, wisdom;
understanding.
We've been through our differences,
and at one point took our own paths...
But I'd like to believe
that all new roads traveled
will never be like the last,
although they
always seem
to bring you
right
back
home.

If there's one thing
In this life
That I want
To see
For all of
You.
      It is for
            All of
               You
                 To be
                    Content.
Not only
With who you
Are,
But also
With everything
You've done
And everything
You will do.

I remember relapsing on the floor of my mothers basement.
I still remember what it was like to feel my conscious
leave my body and
float into a complete world of
darkness.
There were no pretty patterns or
surreal hallucinations.
The bright light that everyone
spoke of
was not there
and I wondered
if I was to blame for it
being gone.

And at the same time,

I remember what it was like to wake up.
To see my mother, father,
brothers, sisters
and friends
standing over me.
Crying helplessly wondering if I would
ever be the same again.

I remember what it was like to look into their eyes.

And I remember what it was like to push every single one of them away.

I remember what it was like to argue and walk out on
the same people that said they would
always be there.

I remember because it was the only time in my life that I
truly didn’t care.

But here I am today.

Trying to find the words to make you believe
that I am a better man.

Here I am,
pulling truths from parts of me
that I have not visited in years.

But being transparent does not
******* me like it used to.

It motivates me more than
ever before.

This shaky,
raspy,
unattractive voice of mine
is all I have.

And by any means,

I am going to use it.

There’s only a few other things
I was put here to do.

And if speaking
even when I’m not
spoken to
somehow
saves my life,

then so be it.

Because I remember
what it was like to
keep everything bottled up
and how it got me
absolutely nowhere.

I remember being stepped on
and squashed
as if I did not matter.

I remember what it was like to have
no faith in myself
because that was what everybody
taught me to believe in.

That it was wrong to step out of line
if it meant losing friends or
loved ones.

And I believed them because I didn’t know
anything different.

I didn’t have any independence.
I didn’t have anything to stand for.
I was just a little kid,
four-foot-something,
trying to make it through
another day.

And for every night I prayed
for tomorrow not to come
to a God that I do not believe in,

it always came.

And even though this embodiment
of doubt,
that is my existence,
has never been a breeze-

I can only hope that it has been
worth fighting for.

That every day and every night
I spent hungover or
strung out on the floor
did not go in vain.

And all I can do now is work hard
every single day.

All I can do now is give every ounce
of energy that I have to
making a difference
on people that are going through
what I’ve been through;

to give someone a voice that is
comfortable and
familiar.

and despite the cliché,
maybe even some hope.

Because I remember what it was like
to figure it out

all on my own.

So let the rain pour
I'll sleep today
Don't wake me till morrow
Unless you're here to stay

Give me this blessing
That I'll wake by your side
If the rain is still pouring
We'll stay inside

When it's over and the flowers bloom
I'll pluck a dozen and give them to you
The drops of rain will glisten and shine
Just like the brightness of your beautiful eyes

Give me this day
O' so full of rest
And allow me to show you
My very best.

I relax
with nature
every single night;
I feel her in
the warm wind
sweeping over
my body.
              And in the mornings,
           she shows
     her face
     in my
     cups
   of
coffee.

When I was really young
I used to always sleep
With my face toward the wall
And my back toward the rest of the room.

I remember always being afraid of the dark.
As if something or someone else was always with me in the same room.

I never turned over when I heard a noise or saw a shadow.
I was always scared that I'd see "someone" or "something" standing in the corner of my room looking directly into my eyes through the thick darkness that devoured my bed room.

I was only 7 years old.
I had no idea that monsters and fairy tales were all makeshift beliefs for people's entertainment.

Trying to sleep every night was pure hell.
Always thinking that every sound was made by a ghost,
Every shadow was casted from the boogie man
And that every feeling or sensation my nerves collected from anything other than the bed was the demons and monsters touching me, waiting for me to fall asleep.

If only I knew then what I know now.
That every fear and nightmare I ever had
Was actually something to laugh about.

Every day I contemplate;
       This feeling never goes away.
There's nothing I can do.

There's something deep within my mind;
     I swear it's racing all the time.
Why can't I calm down?

Don't tell me that it's just a phase,
  It's been four years to this day,
And still I have no hope.

I'm not one to forget,
   I have no use for amends.
Please, just walk away.

Give me something to believe,
    Not your sense of empathy,
You'll only waste your time.

I'm the dust caught in the wind
Another raindrop upon your skin.
All the words that you couldn't say,
Another scar that I can't erase.
It's not the same, no, it's nothing like the past,
I can't help myself from always looking back.
I wanna live again in those better days,
I swear I can't stand how time makes everything change.

I guess this is to the past,
I guess this is to growing up,
Those were the best summers I ever had,
Now it feels like it's closing the door on us.
Where will you be when I need you "now"?
how will you be able to hear me call your name?
Can't you feel me reaching out?
I'll do anything to make you stay.

I met this girl
Beautiful inside and out
And when I am with her
She takes away my doubts

I'm so light headed
And stuck in a daze
As I hope no one
Takes her away

This feeling I have
It is never ending
Kind of like numbers
There's only a beginning

Nothing
surpasses
staying up
until
five a.m
with an
opportunity
to be a
good
friend.

People
don't
change;

opinions
      do.

I'm not asking
        for life to be easy.
I'm not asking
        for everything to always
        go my way.
It'd just be nice
if I could just have
one opportunity
at escaping the craziness
inside my head
and my surroundings.

I know I've made mistakes.
          But I never had the
          intentions
          to do anything wrong.

I don't know where
        I'm going
    or quite exactly
            where I want to be.

             I just know that
my feet keep moving,
                  my heart keeps beating,
      and there's nothing
              standing
            in my way.

My plans
don't usually
work out -
I'm okay with that-
but the idea
of sulking in my ****
will drive me mad.

So, like everything
else in life:

I'm just going to
say "**** it."

I almost
forgot to
tell you
about
how the
stars
shine off
your smile
and the
setting sun
looks better
in your
pale blue
eyes.
and all
of the
woods and
desserts,
I'll set it all
on fire.
      And we'll
burn together
never questioning
how it could
have been.

Every day
I get just
A little bit
               further
               down
this path
I'm walking

And I'm
beginning to
     feel
as if,
nothing will
ever.

Stop me.

I live for the moments of pure joy. Those moments of sheer ecstasy.
Where everything is not just fine; it's borderline-perfect.
It reminds me that I am alive and well.
That hope still lies around the corner no matter how many times I trip on this uneven sidewalk.
I cherish every laugh and smile my loved ones bring me. And I want them to know that they are the
only reason
I still wake up in the morning.
A thank you just isn't good enough and will never compare to what they have done and still continue to do for me.

I love the way
your perfume
                     lingers
on my clothes
   long after
   we've said
           goodbye.

                        Although
                        it's not the same
                        as holding you in my arms.
                        I enjoy the comfort
                        it brings me.

I'm not an
honors student or
an athlete.
I don't have
good grades and
I fail all the time.

          Still, I bet that I
    smile more
than you.

It's nice to see that
there are still people
in this world
that continue to do
good deeds on
a daily basis-
without their intentions
being of praise and glorification.

Good deeds should be done
because its RIGHT.
Not because
you might
get some sort
of "prize"
out of it.

We are not broken.
So why has this life
constantly been about
"Picking up the pieces."?

I've been to a
fair amount of
places
           and
I've witnessed
my fair share
of things.

But I still
can't fathom
the concept
of
*time.

I entertain the
thought of
you
with a
typewriter
and a
glass of
whiskey.

And
I'm trying
so **** hard
to make
something
    beautiful.

A piece of me dies
every time
I see you.

But you're happy,
and that smile
on your face
has never seemed
so pure.

So if this is
what's best
for you,
then I'll continue
to
pretend.

Some people live purgatory lives;
they dance with the invitation
of death
just long enough
for the moment
to become romantic
then they usher the
entire idea
right out the door
as if being
friends
with the end
is an easy way
to pretend

they cannot
         go at any moment.

Some people chase
   the idea of death
so much
they forget to
do something
as simple
yet profound
as live.

We spend every day
repeating cycles
and trying to make
our routines
perfect
then remain
frustrated at

     everyone and ourselves

for not being able to get this fluctuating life right

yet-

I am learning that getting it right
takes doing it wrong
more than
quite a few
times

and

that is simply something neither you or I can be ashamed of.

We cannot substitute the lessons
that failure and patience bring us-
all we really can do is
face our hardships
with limited understanding
and obtain what we can
from our moments of misery.

I am finding more and more
         that myself
  lingers in those moments
and I am beginning to appreciate
the days
I spend
catching
       bleek
          & subtle
                     glimpses
           of what I can

become.

You see,
I used to fear my own presence.
Shake my head at my own sight.
Be disgusted with my thoughts
and ruin my existence.

I used to do all of these things because I felt
helpless.
I was not the person taking charge
      for my life.
I was not the person owning responsibility
for their actions.
I was not the person acting on their decisions
although the choices were petrifying.
I was not that kid because

I DID NOT YET UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF.

I had yet to find the opportunity in my failures.
I had yet to see the potential in my flaws.
I had yet to understand that there are twenty-four hours
in a single day
and we can own every single one of them
when we are not focused on defeat.

And that sounds a little extreme at first,
I know,
but if I can convince you of anything today-

please do not be afraid of change.

Welcome it with open arms and be prepared for
your entire life to get uncomfortable
when you start being honest with the world
and most importantly-
yourself.

I have let go of so much heartache
from no longer pretending I am okay.

I have let go of so much anxiety
from not allowing others to hold
their expectations over me.

I have let go of so much depression
from standing up for myself
because I was sick of the world
telling me NO.

I have let go of so much
useless negativity
and have said goodbye
to so many friends
and relatives
because
choosing compassion
over what they took from me
always kept me on
the better course;

a step ahead
when they were looking behind
and reflecting
by the time
they could realize
intuition wins.

but I guess depending on which way you are looking at it-
all of this is just bragging of course.

So I will never mind you
if you are not listening.

I will forgive you
when you come around.

BUT IF YOU ARE LISTENING LOUD,
HERE RIGHT NOW-

know that I am too.

And for every dream you are chasing-

    it is chasing after you.





Thank you.

I always ask myself questions:
am I good enough?
do I really have potential?
does anyone actually care?
why do I feel so displaced?
It's upsetting; knowing that I'll probably never have the answers I'm looking for.
But, I guess it's meant to be that way.
Whether or not it's for better or worse, I'll never find out.
These questions I have are the offspring of my doubt.
I'm trying my best to keep these feelings of disappointment and stress at bay.
But every time I try to speak; I find myself searching for the words to say.

yesterday's pain
could be tomorrow's
grace.

You just have to
wake up and find-out
for yourself.