i don't remember when my body became something i didn't want to notice
unable to tear my eyes from the mirror,
wanting to break it

i recognize every little change:
bony collarbones
dark bags under my eyes
noticeable rib bones
never-fit-before clothing sizes
hollowed out cheeks
tighter skin
smaller arms

something new everyday

when i was in middle school i loved food
i couldn't understand how people could just not eat

three years later
and i'm taking notice of how much weight i've lost
since I started skipping meals

you whisper my name
and it starts raining
all my thoughts are tame
your face is a painting

the smell of my favorite flower
your name is my definition of love
the laugh of a love song, light shower
you're the softest bird, a dove

you're the number seven
and the color pink
you're my heaven
my missing link

my favorite ring
and the sweater i always wear to sleep
you're all the smiles I keep
all the perfect things

it's coming back
i don't even try to hide it
my energy is at lack
i don't even try to fight it

it's the same old same old
yet I never expect it
"you seem fine" i'm always told
my brain is so hectic

back to my old way
a few burns here
I miss my good days
a couple cuts there

counting the pills
until i fall asleep
calculate what'll take the ****
32? i'm in too deep

will this time be the end?
i honestly hope so
can't survive this again
i can barely say no

it's been great for so long
nothing could ever be bad
i always sing this song
nothing could ever make me sad

the hurt is so far away
almost like it was never here
"i'm on top of the world" i say
i'll never shed another tear

i go to sleep all happy
without a worry
i wake up all sappy
of course it's in a hurry

how long will this time last?
it's all black and gray
i thought it was in the past
it's a never-ending pay

turns out it was always there
distractions just pushed it aside
don't know how much longer i can bear
i just want this monster to die

i'm starving
literally

the bell rings
its lunchtime
my mind dings as i get in line

i see a skinny girl
without a tray
i guess shes right
no food today

i'll wait for dinner
i count it all in meals
if its more than one
then i'm breaking my deal

in my mind
it always repeats
"i can be pretty, i just can't eat"

someone calls my name
i wonder what they see
do i still look the same?
do i still look like me?

it's a new summer but i'm still stuck on the last
what i would or wouldn't do just to go back

i was a different kind of happy
one that could only be found with you
i don't mean to sound sappy
but do you miss it too?

i got so used to my moon
it became something i couldn't sleep without
now i'm stuck here in the same room
all alone in this house

sometimes i walk in
and i still feel it
us always talkin'
time won't ever heal it

can't spray that perfume
or play that song
smells so much like you
it's been too long

how many times
did you come back?

how many times
did i believe you?

how many times
did i lose my mind
trying to understand yours?

how many times
did you take back your words?

how many times
did i break down?

how many times
did you tear us apart?

how many times
did i let the cycle repeat?

I'm not sure
but i know
it was too many to count