my mom isn't like other moms but she was once like other children

i like to imagine her:
laughing with friends,
begging to go shopping,
doing homework,
dancing at sleepovers,
braiding her hair,
fixing her lipgloss,
gossiping with her best friend,
falling asleep in class,
painting her nails

i think of her happy
a little more like me

i like to ignore how
she was bad at giving hugs because of how bony she was,
she couldn't take me to the park because she was too weak,
she was always covered in bruises,
she couldn't buy new clothes because we were poor,
she couldn't stay awake during a movie,
she had pill bottles scattered around her room.

i wonder how she imagined her own life as a child.
three kids, an abusive boyfriend, no money, and addicted to drugs?
probably something a little more brighter.

she once told me
she wished she was strong enough to be the right kind of mother

i don't remember when my body became something i noticed
checking my reflection daily,
stopping at every mirror

i recognize things i haven't before:
my thighs touch
there are small dips in my hips
new stretch marks
never-seen-before freckles
a soft jawline
widows peak from my dad

something new every day

when i was young i only cared about my hair
i would tell people i would never ever cut it so i could look like Rapunzel

eight years later
and i'm taking notice of how long it has grown
since i cut myself

you taught me love is soft

you showed me it doesn't have to be
thorns,
tears,
secrets,
lies,
constantly being terrified

i don't have to worry,
i'm in good hands
i'm loved and you stay
instead of being pushed away

i know i'm safe
even when you sigh
you won't leave,
i know what's on your mind

you taught me love is soft
i hope i can do the same
rest assured
I'm in it for the long game

i keep forgetting you're not like the rest
i do all my betting on if  you'll be the best

you won't bite,
yet i still hide.
we work  out our fight
i try to see your side

i'm not your secret
you won't try to keep it
you love me freely
and want people to see it

i won't scare you away
even when i try
you promise that you'll stay
i'll love you until i die

i stand very still
wait for you to leave
you won't take the ****
what a pet peeve

i wait for the words
i know i'm too much.
one stone kills two birds,
something or such

walk away
i won't be mad
what do i say?
"it was nice what we had"

i'd do it for you
but you won't let me try
i'll break us in two
i hope we get by

don't clear your cards,
you have the perfect hand.
seven of hearts,
slipped through like sand

i stand on the line,
i'm all torn.
i tell you i'm fine,
we can't be reborn

"you can't just leave me"
i want to say.
it's not meant to be,
maybe another day

you cleared your cards,
lost the bet
aimed you darts
you get what you get

i'm your best friend
of course i'm important to you

you called me
after
the first four people that came to mind weren't available.
i was honored to be considered

i was the
one
person to not know about the party.
it's fine, i had more fun looking at the pictures

i was the
last
one to hear the news; it happened two weeks ago.
you were just busy, it slipped your mind


you're my best friend
of course you're important to me

i have a free weekend; i call you
first
to see if you're busy.
you are

i suggest watching my favorite movie; you've already seen it with
someone else.
we don't watch it

i race to the phone to tell
you
the latest gossip.
someone already told you.


of course we're best friends