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solitude is the warm, afternoon sun
that shines on your skin
the kind that makes you feel
sleepy and lazily comfortable
the kind that makes you
doze off to a string of daydreams

solitude is the stale, cold air
that creeps through your open windows at night
the kind that embraces you
while you're tucked beneath your sheets
the kind that gets you restless
as you toss and turn to a string of thoughts

it is precisely the gap between
a knowing, comfortable silence and restlessness

i toss and turn,
i pace back and forth between silence and restlessness
i am at peace
yet i am at a state of unrest
i like solitude today
yet i also feel lonely tonight

am i at peace or
am i merely stuck in a state of nothingness?

are you at peace?
or do you merely dream of being at peace?

— cs wondering
we are not the same
i was falling apart
you were falling in love

we are the same
i was falling in love
you were falling apart

we are not the same
i found myself through us
you lost yourself through us

we are the same
i lost myself through us
you found yourself through us

just an inch closer
I'm almost there

oh, you've taken a new step

just an inch closer
we're almost there

oh, you've changed your mind

a mere inch it may be
but on parallel standings,
we're still worlds apart

that's okay
we were almost there

— cs wondering
Less or nothing,
Give of your heart,
That still makes a difference.
18/7/2024
i never said i could walk on water
or that my feelings wouldn't be a bother
but you cant hide your disappointment
as i get swept into the current

as the tide crashes it swallows me whole
and i dont think you've ever been this cold
just watch as it carries me away
bitter to the very last wave

blaming me for what i wouldn't be
acting blindsided when i never missed a beat
trying to tell you how to steer back into safe waters
you couldn't even bother

so as you spit on an empty grave
cursing those who speak my name
remember who hurt who
the person you should be projecting on is you
not trying to be insensitive with the title. think exasperation 🥲
 May 30 efni
amanda
goodbye
 May 30 efni
amanda
if sunsets
have taught me
one thing

it’s how to expect
the sunrise
as sad as it is,
i don’t cry over
goodbyes anymore

and that includes
you

we served our purposes
in each other’s lives
 May 30 efni
amanda
i thought loving you
in the third person
as the third person
was as pure as love got

but i was wrong

watching you love me
as i fell out of love with you

that is as pure as love gets
you are the
single greatest
friend, brother,
and uncle
i’ve ever known

good lord i just want
you to be happy

with her,
alone,
with someone else—
whatever your happy
looks like
 May 30 efni
amanda
her parents chose
a man she’d never met
over her—
a man they called god

her love chose
a woman she’d never met
over her—
a woman he called courtney

and so somewhere along the way
she started wishing that she
could be someone she’d never met—

they seemed to get all the love
meant for her


~
i had to process
some **** tonight
 May 30 efni
amanda
she had the audacity
to create me
with her own existence

she had the audacity
to subject me to life
with the promise of her love

she had the audacity
to spend her life
putting conditions on her love

i had the audacity
to love in shades of pink
as well as blue

i had the audacity
to drink in shades of red
as well as white

i had the audacity
to live
as well as she created me to

i had the audacity
to destroy me
with my own existence

she had the audacity
to mourn a life she created
with the promise of her love


the audacity
i am not the
christian
conservative
straight
daughter you wanted

i guess we both
let each other down
 Jan 17 efni
Liz
So much blood
 Jan 17 efni
Liz
When I first felt used,
My light and warmth abused,
By grips mostly loose,
I was three years younger than you.

But getting better ain’t forgetting
And I’ve got no right to complain,
I volunteered this body, this heart
To be set ablaze.

Carved by my grandmothers,
Hollywood lit my fire.
The kiss of an Irish boy by the bay
Sent me on my way.

Now I need to be needed
Until they need me too much.
Then they turn me black and blue
And call it love.

I didn’t know love needed
So much blood.

Now I’m growing up.
At 26, I still don’t know love
That you don’t need to beg for,
You don’t need to bleed for,
And you’ll never be too much.

I still don’t know what it feels like
Not to flinch at the first touch.
I know it might never come,
But with you it was close enough.

I didn’t know love needed,
So much blood.
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