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597 · Jan 2023
mud
efni Jan 2023
mud
im certain my fingertips will form blisters
when they touch my neglected journal
as they are already burning now
with every tap of this keyboard

because theyre sick of the mud

theyre sick of of pouring water over my dirt
theyre sick of rinsing and washing and scrubbing
while it relentlessly sticks to my hands

its just not going to wash away
so why would i burn when
i can just let it stay.

01.20.23
what's so wrong with a rock and a hard place
when i can just make a pathetic home right there
550 · Nov 2023
escaped.
efni Nov 2023
i ran from our our love
bleeding and bruised because

you couldn't stop loving me
and i couldn't stop letting you

02.11.23
we have been broken up for 2 months and I hadn't written a poem since then. i hadn't written a poem since I was freed.
498 · Nov 2023
heavy feet
efni Nov 2023
i'm trying to keep you
at an arm's length away
but you're gently grabbing
my outstretched hand

you're trying to pull me
a little bit closer to you
but I've buried and planted
my feet in the sand

big steps, baby steps
i'm not light on my feet anymore

it doesn't really matter now
that my love has turned into
a familiar field of landmines

it doesn't really matter now
that every step i take feels like
the beginning of the end

24.11.23
i'm sorry for my hesitation but, for me, love usually comes with a time bomb attached
efni Jul 2023
whether your power
comes from weakness or strength
by warmth or by fear

anything that allows you
to live a lie for love
must be destroyed

07.15.23
nothing could change the way i feel, not even changing who i am
439 · Jun 2022
miss me?
efni Jun 2022
my breath reeks of nostalgia and gin
while i wait for you at the bar

my old lover
my one desire
my almost, it seems

the bartender half listens to the
slurred tales of our dances together

that we never could seem to get right

but there are no sparks nor dread
when i think of us anymore

just a bittersweet aftertaste and...
a tugging desire for one more chance with you

06.19.22
death, my old lover.
im thinking of you again.
410 · Mar 2023
don't waste it
efni Mar 2023
don't fix your stare
on bars before the
shooting stars

it won't last forever
watch just as much
as you can

03.18.23
there's so much more in the far away little
399 · Mar 2022
they mourn my life
efni Mar 2022
i am an
unanswered
prayer.

03.27.22
every day i break their hearts because i am the reason their prayers are never answered. i am the prayer never answered. i will never be what they want, a christian warrior, and i hate myself. sometimes, i wish they would hate me too.
396 · May 2022
ready set go
efni May 2022
the clock has
its numbers and

i have all these
miserable checkboxes

i can never seem to
tick them quite as quickly

05.28.22
time keeps getting shorter and i'd like to see my to-do list follow suit but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.
370 · Jan 23
the sunset
efni Jan 23
out of the endless darkness,
the day i begged for
finally happened

the sun came

the sun left

i never considered that the day
i see my first sunrise
is the day i see my first sunset

01.23.24
a continuation of a poem i published years ago: ‘the sun’

i was looking at the sky for a while
basking in star light
talking to the moon
i almost forgot it was still night

but the clouds served as a cruel reminder
that i never left the darkness
rather, it never left me
and the sun was never coming up
as far as i can see

the sun is never coming up

12.03.20

—-
for the first time in five years, i experienced happiness. true happiness that lasted 4 weeks. and for the first time in five years, i experienced the loss of happiness. the return to the dark. the sunset.
365 · Jul 2023
fresh air
efni Jul 2023
while ashing and outing,
i sit crisscrossed writing
as that 2 a.m. fresh air
wrestles my smoky breaths

7.23.23
yin and yang in my lungs tonight
343 · Mar 2023
night rock
efni Mar 2023
and if i sleep below your leaves
brief exchanges in conversation
led by the heartless breeze will i
be waked by many songs of birds

or a spider in the developed night
would i then roll over the edge of
my concrete wingman and let the
intent be the eternal consequence

i can only rock, pulling and pushing
the bully, keeping both eyes open

09.03.23
you've weighed the odds
dont stop moving now
315 · Jun 2023
embrace of the breeze
efni Jun 2023
if i hadn't waited on the timing you promised
i would have sat anxiously unaware
walls and doors apart from you
but i waited, but i stayed, and you showed me
the truest love.

a love of the wind.

08.06.23
it is honest to admit that a patient love is one of luck
307 · Apr 2020
not a diamond
efni Apr 2020
"you must be a diamond"
they've told you
since the day you were born

but you
are simply
not a diamond

cruel pressure forges
this sparkling gem
unbreakable and perfect
and always satisfactory

beloved for
the way it shines
unbeatable and flawless
and always worn with pride

but you
are simply
not a diamond

water and nurture grows
an intricate plant
vulnerable and passionate
and always learning; growing

beloved for
the way it blooms
imperfect and stunning
and always ever-changing

but you
are simply
not a diamond

you're shaped by the seasons
which bring pain and strength
while diamonds are cold
you are warm

you inhale and you exhale
and feel and make mistakes
while diamonds are dead
you are alive

you bring life and art
and love to this world
like a rock never could
and that you could never know

you are worth
more love and pride
than a rock ever could
and than you could ever know

because you
are simply
not a diamond

you are so much more

13.04.20
dear Kaitlyn,

you are simply not a diamond
no one is and no one should be
don't treat yourself like one

you are so much more

your friend, efni
258 · Jan 19
mother's love
efni Jan 19
i'm sorry for my cold staring
in response to
your fondness of me

my mother could only ever
love me in code
when she could at all

i spent my life decrypting it
and i'm afraid
i'll spend the rest of my life
trying to decode
all the love i will ever know

19.01.24
my mother struggles to love me. my mother struggled to love me
my mother could only ever love me in code, when she could at all..
247 · Dec 2019
alone?
efni Dec 2019
you say, "i'd like a minute alone"
i'd like a month alone, a year,
a life, a lovely life, quiet.
in a place of peace, where,
dust sleeps on rocks, blades of growing grass,
and my hands. where,
wind shifts the leaves, limbs of growing trees,
and my hair. where, i hear,
the orchestra of all creatures,
or the breath escaping my mouth,
agape, and my lips upturned
till death, i'd wake and grow too,
and love, as i've learned,
i was, i am, never alone
when i'm alone.

17.05.19
it's often forgotten that alone is not lonely
231 · Jun 2021
still writing sad poetry
efni Jun 2021
dear writer of the past:
we're alive and sometimes
we don't regret that fact
but i think we will be writing
sad poetry forever

15.06.21
a lot has changed-
but somehow also nothing at all.
223 · Dec 2023
foreign
efni Dec 2023
i have been no stranger to love
but i have always been an alien

because i've never been loved
in a way that i understood

i've always looked for love in hints
craving the closest translation

but never truly understanding
why i can't be loved
in a way i know

22.12.23
parents, friends, partners
it's okay to be different but it hurts to feel lonely when no one seems to love the way you do, and you never know the feeling of love you truly understand
216 · Jun 2021
love me, leave me
efni Jun 2021
i am oh so easy to love
i'll give heart and soul for free
so i am seldom surprised
each time they abuse me and flee
go ahead, i'm quite used to it
soil, steal and break what you need
because i am easy to love and
i am oh so easy to leave

22.06.21
it's not just a pattern, it's an addiction.
who am i now if not exploited?
208 · May 2021
softly
efni May 2021
you love me too quietly
for me to hear over my pain

and you touch me so softly
that i don't feel anything at all

30.05.21
i don't feel you
205 · May 2023
sit up
efni May 2023
the heat rushed to my head
while the dark trickled up my leg
rolling down when yours only needs to go up

05/12/23
the moonlight isnt the only one
200 · Jun 2023
midnight apple
efni Jun 2023
with every shiver powered by
your midnight breeze
im forced to take a small bite
out of this night like
a crisp, refreshing green apple

06.12.23
just trying to give in to the wonder of this night
efni Mar 2023
let the night consume me.

swift and soft cold winds
like metal cake cutters
shaping and taking my skin
while the moon of many
loyal supporters burns
into my gaze turned glare

glory turned gratitude

09.03.23
you are not for the taking
i must have you nonetheless
what choice do i have
"i must"
178 · Nov 2023
screams and whispers
efni Nov 2023
maybe i am meant to be loved only
in violent screams or cruel whispers
in molten magma or rigid frost
in blinding light or void darkness

maybe i am not meant to be
loved gently

maybe it will always be
all or nothing

17.11.23
i'd like to be loved in moderation.
but i'd be a fool to expect that from you.
i'd be a fool to expect that from anyone.
175 · Jun 2023
a timed burst
efni Jun 2023
but to be in love with the wind
means to sit as she comes and goes
you must stay

through rains and thunder
as she will never tell you
when she has truly gone

until she's lost in the storm
that washes away the trace
of your love in the air.

08.06.23
maybe it really was for the best
172 · May 2022
losing myself
efni May 2022
pieces of me are falling away
both apart and into place

i've made peace with many
goodbyes but just this once

will you stay in my greedy grasp?

05.26.22
i'm going to try to write a poem a day
no matter how long or short
whether it's brilliant or scrappy
i've lost so much already...
i will not lose this. i cant.
164 · Feb 2022
i want to be beautiful
efni Feb 2022
life gleamed in velvet colours
when it seemed to be
coming to an end

endlessly bleeding creativity
art made of pure desperation

i am healing like
grey static and still waters
passion, where are you now?

02.21.22
i'm begining to believe the chaos
was the most stunning part of me
and i am rather plain without it
161 · Sep 2021
nausea
efni Sep 2021
I wish I'd throw up until I died.
150 · Feb 22
fighter
efni Feb 22
i think if i stopped fighting
my joints would give way
rendering me a small pile
of bones, flesh and blood

i think if i stopped fighting
to keep it all together
i would crumble for good.

21.02.24
as long as i can remember, to live meant to fight. so, unknowingly, I understood that to die meant to rest.

maybe one day i can learn to live without fighting. i am awfully tired.
137 · Nov 2021
fantasy theme
efni Nov 2021
folding
yesterday's
clean laundry.

shaping a
perimeter of
piles around
me sitting,
legs crossed
and slightly
slouching.

the voice of
a male siren
croons to
slow acoustic
tones playing
from one
side of my
damaged
headphones,

along with
𝒉𝒊𝒔 static
voice.

02.11.21
it's a tuesday evening at 5:45pm and i think i can be happy.
this is becoming an unfamiliar pattern.
129 · Dec 2019
time is cruel
efni Dec 2019
what can i give you
to stop everything, everyone
my arms, my heart, my mind
the rest of my life?

please.

24.12.19
frelsa
127 · Aug 2021
a breath of burning air
efni Aug 2021
walking away, your grip
around my throat vanishing
as i ready for a rush of relief
a great gasp fills empty lungs
with acidic oxygen simply
replacing my suffocation with
a different kind of suffering

you're gone but you still hurt me
you're gone but i still feel you

11.08.21
shouldn't the worst be over...
i don't feel relief. i just feel like ****.
122 · Jan 2021
five spells and cinnamon
efni Jan 2021
thankfully, the sky was clear
but I was deep in a fog of anxiety
or sailing the famous 9th cloud
either way, that morning was a blur

their timid thumbs pointed to the sky
at least six times during my desperate
rambling to avoid silence, quiet enough
that they could hear my racing heartbeat

eventually those thumbs found their
way to caress the back of my hands
and my tongue found a more sane driver
in a lifesaving a cap of paper strips

31.12.20
1 of 2 - October 25th
(part 3 of my cinnamon series)
121 · Apr 2020
so i laughed
efni Apr 2020
emotions
sat heavily on my chest
squeezing my heart
and burning my head

so i piled three pillows
on top of one another
and tried to scream
the emotions out

nothing changed
except that now
my throat hurts and
my pillows are concerned

so i laughed
at my failed attempt
and wrote a poem about it

29.04.20
sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. i feel a bit better
121 · Jun 2021
beloved
efni Jun 2021
i know being loved
is not the same
as loving

because if it was...i'd feel loved by you

but what if i care more
to be loved than
to be yours?

27.06.21
i don't think i do
i just wish i could have both for once
120 · Jun 2023
mister moon
efni Jun 2023
pools of white colour settle on the tiles
from your second-hand rays, mister moon.
you show the path for wandering dogs of the night
and sights to blend into as i sink below my deepest thoughts tonight.

06.12.23
me and the moonlight
119 · Jun 2021
better luck next time
efni Jun 2021
it was almost over then it wasn't
and i still don't know how i feel

about that selfishly
bittersweet night
being another
failure

28.06.21
thinking of november
118 · Feb 2023
maybe i do.
efni Feb 2023
my body pressed into you
violently, desperately
ribs crack and crumble
piercing my lungs, my heart
don't move. don't leave.

if i let go now
everything will fall away

02.03.23
"maybe... just maybe... i dont have to be broken." - 10.27.21 (poem: unbroken?)

i'm sorry efni. it seems like you do, and you are.
117 · Mar 2023
that non-slip love
efni Mar 2023
don't refuse the hate
you have for me
it keeps the loose thread
on my old socks
from being torn away

03.18.23
comfy and worn only ever so often
when it gets a bit too cold
114 · Mar 2023
good guy
efni Mar 2023
i can't collect your love
there's simply no more space
for square kisses in my circle heart
so don't let it be emptied for
"my own good"

03.18.23
if you're a good guy what am i, love. loved.
efni Jun 2022
i've been walking this dreadful tight rope
set high above two pools
one of desire and one of detestation
and as much as i want off
i have to keep my balance to the end
because with my luck, i know
exactly where my stupid heart will land

06.29.22
at least im putting on one hell of a performance
112 · Jun 2022
sub zero
efni Jun 2022
i'm so cold and
i wish you were here
to warm me

i bet you'd think
i want you to hold me
or **** me

but truly i want
to watch your skin melt
in bright flames

i want to listen
as your bones crack and
tumble into ashes

although just
seeing your pathetic face
could ignite a rage

more than enough
to beat this frosty night
- but not as fun

06.29.22
i still love you, unfortunately, but where could you possibly find the audacity to think i want you back.
110 · Jul 2020
dear happiness:
efni Jul 2020
please dry your hands
before you hold me.

you're lovely but
you're clumsy.

and if i slip from you
once more, i may just
break.

13.07.20
i felt good for 8 hours today,
then i slipped, now i'm back.
i suppose i should be grateful.
109 · May 2022
missing
efni May 2022
i sit waiting for reality to hit me
but i think i've run so far and so fast
that at some point it lost me or i lost it

and neither of us care to search...

29.05.22
i don't think i can snap out of it this time.
109 · Mar 2023
slow blinking lights
efni Mar 2023
my skin mimics the
light beside us
on and off followed by
life and death, somehow

and my eyes use this
as a melody that
leads a dance on a
tree before us

09.03.23
aren't you the peaceful intruder
your strength is not a downfall
108 · Jul 2021
tiny tortures
efni Jul 2021
i chew on the side of my mouth where my teeth hurt
i cut my toast vertically when i want the halves in triangles
i turn the temperature down when i want a blanket
and i count all the flaws in my reflection before i leave the house

01.07.21
etc. etc.

i do a lot of small things...to hurt myself
passive aggressive self-loathing
106 · Jan 12
my great love
efni Jan 12
i miss you at the strangest of times.

no…
i continue to miss you all the time

my great love
i’ve come to accept this is who you are

i miss you even when i was sure that
i had already let you go.

01.12.24
we haven’t really spoken in years but you’re still my first poem of the year. you still remain my muse - with a permanent place in my heart.
106 · May 2021
i don't melt
efni May 2021
i freeze, i burn, i shatter
i don't melt and
i don't die
but tread carefully
because you just might

30.05.21
tw// graphic note
when i'm in pain i won't melt into your arms, i'll cut them
i don't need any more blood on my hands. just run.
104 · Jan 2021
consequences
efni Jan 2021
you don't get to tie rocks
to my feet and turn a blind eye
as i struggle under torrents,
then expect swimming lessons

figure it out or drown

25.01.21
i don't owe you that. i don't owe you anything.
i won't handhold you through the consequences of you hurting me.
102 · Mar 2023
by my name
efni Mar 2023
Hannah, please, stop allowing

her

to be the sole muse of your poetry
and your past
to be the muse of her through you

but that's not your name, is it
Hannah

and that's not who you are.

03.18.23
call me by your name and I'll call you by mine
101 · Jul 2021
shake it off
efni Jul 2021
i was a bit happy until you came
and i really tried not to cry

1-word replies and clear disinterest
the longest text was goodbye

but i'm being much too dramatic
it only made me want to die

and spend the next couple hours
racking my brain as to why

so now i'm just shaking my head
and i'm flailing my arms

you'd think all this routine crying
would be some sort of alarm

but an alarm is simply no match
for stubborn covering of ears

keep chanting "it's fine. it's okay"
as i wipe away these tears

saying, "it's fine. it's okay," to my silly little fears.

14.07.21
be a good girlfriend and get over it...
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