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1.8k · Apr 2020
not a diamond
efni Apr 2020
"you must be a diamond"
they've told you
since the day you were born

but you
are simply
not a diamond

cruel pressure forges
this sparkling gem
unbreakable and perfect
and always satisfactory

beloved for
the way it shines
unbeatable and flawless
and always worn with pride

but you
are simply
not a diamond

water and nurture grows
an intricate plant
vulnerable and passionate
and always learning; growing

beloved for
the way it blooms
imperfect and stunning
and always ever-changing

but you
are simply
not a diamond

you're shaped by the seasons
which bring pain and strength
while diamonds are cold
you are warm

you inhale and you exhale
and feel and make mistakes
while diamonds are dead
you are alive

you bring life and art
and love to this world
like a rock never could
and that you could never know

you are worth
more love and pride
than a rock ever could
and than you could ever know

because you
are simply
not a diamond

you are so much more

13.04.20
dear Kaitlyn,

you are simply not a diamond
no one is and no one should be
don't treat yourself like one

you are so much more

your friend, efni
1.7k · Apr 2020
so i laughed
efni Apr 2020
emotions
sat heavily on my chest
squeezing my heart
and burning my head

so i piled three pillows
on top of one another
and tried to scream
the emotions out

nothing changed
except that now
my throat hurts and
my pillows are concerned

so i laughed
at my failed attempt
and wrote a poem about it

29.04.20
sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. i feel a bit better
736 · May 2020
liar
efni May 2020
"yes"
absolutely not

"i'm doing better"
this is the worst i have been

"don't worry"
i'm falling apart

"i love you, too"
and that's why i'm lying to you

29.04.20
it gets really hard to tell the truth to those you love, when it's always bad news.
735 · Mar 2020
the sun
efni Mar 2020
i was looking at the sky for a while
basking in star light
talking to the moon
i almost forgot it was still night

but the clouds served as a cruel reminder
that i never left the darkness
rather, it never left me
and the sun was never coming up
as far as i can see

the sun is never coming up

12.03.20
i don't remember what the sun looks like. what it feels like.
623 · Jul 2020
the boy with the bandana
efni Jul 2020
it's like looking at a puddle
except you yourself are water
and the reflection is not only
you but a part of you

it's like two identical puzzle
pieces with different shapes
so that they fit together
effortlessly and perfectly

it's like looking at a mirror
except i'd never wear that
wonderful and ridiculous
bandana on my head

23.07.20
another one for ajani
this one's a bit of a sleep-deprived mess

despite our differences, we're so similar. like a twin i never had, and never knew i needed
428 · Dec 2019
time is cruel
efni Dec 2019
what can i give you
to stop everything, everyone
my arms, my heart, my mind
the rest of my life?

please.

24.12.19
frelsa
415 · Apr 2020
rescue
efni Apr 2020
out of pure desperation
i reached for the window
and opened it to beg the stars
for help. for rescue

then
i counted

the things i could see
until my faded vision cleared

the things i could hear
until the raging voices quieted

the things i could feel
until the endless shaking ceased

i lied there forever
with freshly dried tears on my face
still breathing heavy from the
pain i was drowning in

23.04.20
3 of 3
i hope this helps someone. anyone
this simple action brought me back to the present
and saved me from myself tonight
355 · Mar 28
they mourn my life
efni Mar 28
i am an
unanswered
prayer.

03.27.22
every day i break their hearts because i am the reason their prayers are never answered. i am the prayer never answered. i will never be what they want, a christian warrior, and i hate myself. sometimes, i wish they would hate me too.
336 · Aug 2020
okay with not being okay
efni Aug 2020
my pain hasn't changed
and i'm not sure
if it ever will.

but i have changed, rather
it changed me and
that is okay.

11.08.20
even when it's not okay, i'm learning to be okay with that.

i guess, i'm trying not to attack myself for not being okay anymore, because what's the point in that?

i hope you do too.
efni Jun 2020
perhaps it's a hello
to a new chapter

perhaps it's a warning
to run before it's too late

perhaps it's a goodbye
because it is too late

but i can feel my life
waving at me

and it's okay that
i can't figure out why

but it's probably bad
that i don't care

rather, i can't care anymore
because i've cared too much

28.06.20
i'm not sad or excited
i'm not optimistic or pessimistic
i'm not scared
but i'm not numb

i'm just tired.
328 · Oct 2020
oatmeal and cinnamon
efni Oct 2020
i cried all day today
but when i close my eyes

i hear the quiet click of the oven
kindly baking my favourite pastry

i feel the cool hugs of autumn
reaching through my curtains

i breathe the air dancing with
the scent of oatmeal and cinnamon

and right now,
my tears are a lifetime away

06.10.20
a beautiful and gentle comfort after a painful day
312 · May 2020
better off
efni May 2020
i'm sorry but
you look so lovely in white
and i would surely leave a stain

21.05.20
if i show you the wound
you'll try to stop the bleeding
and i assure you, you'll fail
302 · Oct 2020
i am my own shadow
efni Oct 2020
i tried to slice
from the edges of my feet
that sticky, relentless figure of darkness
that followed me in the day and
became me in the night.

18.10.20
how long can you stay in the darkness before your existence is rendered impossible in the light
269 · Dec 2019
alone?
efni Dec 2019
you say, "i'd like a minute alone"
i'd like a month alone, a year,
a life, a lovely life, quiet.
in a place of peace, where,
dust sleeps on rocks, blades of growing grass,
and my hands. where,
wind shifts the leaves, limbs of growing trees,
and my hair. where, i hear,
the orchestra of all creatures,
or the breath escaping my mouth,
agape, and my lips upturned
till death, i'd wake and grow too,
and love, as i've learned,
i was, i am, never alone
when i'm alone.

17.05.19
it's often forgotten that alone is not lonely
268 · Jan 2020
i hate :)
efni Jan 2020
peanut butter,
myself,
and worms with lots of legs

13.01.20
i've been silently struggling more than usual lately
233 · Jul 2020
dear happiness:
efni Jul 2020
please dry your hands
before you hold me.

you're lovely but
you're clumsy.

and if i slip from you
once more, i may just
break.

13.07.20
i felt good for 8 hours today,
then i slipped, now i'm back.
i suppose i should be grateful.
233 · Jul 2020
fake it 'till you make it
efni Jul 2020
i keep the ink in my pen flowing
and my eyes on my inspiration

and whether this is weakness
or hope or strength or delusion

my imagination has proved to be
just as strong as my depression

so if my mind has sentenced me to death
life will have to be my own creation

22.07.20
fake it 'till you don't want to die anymore :)

keep writing
keep breathing
keep going

thank you to so many of the poets here, you truly are my inspirations and you encourage my imagination, wouldn't be here without you <3
223 · Jul 2020
a losing game
efni Jul 2020
almost fixed it,
but it's still broken

almost saved you,
but you're still dead.

almost loved him,
but he's still leaving.

almost did it,
but i'm still breathing.

and i'm still bleeding.

21.07.20
almost almost almost
it seems i have a talent for being just not enough..
218 · Mar 2020
i understood
efni Mar 2020
why fire dances
while it burns
when i started
laughing while i cry

30.03.20
because why not.
217 · Oct 2020
caffeine high at 3am
efni Oct 2020
I'll gladly stay up tonight
sinking deeper into those
perfect pools of coffee

08.10.20
Just thinking about your eyes tonight // I know it's cliche but i've never seen brown eyes that way before. Never like yours.
215 · Jan 2020
black paint
efni Jan 2020
I'm not going to lie
and say that everything and everyone in my life
is dark and empty

I have red passion for art
Joyful experiences of yellow with loved ones
Green days of peace, and sweet blue rest

But when you add colour to black paint
It's still black
And I am still sad
Please, understand that

24.01.20
i'm smiling, i'm laughing but i'm still sick. sorry for disappointing you. i'm more disappointed than anyone else, i promise
213 · Jun 2020
push you away
efni Jun 2020
i drown and drown
yet i never die

maybe i'm just dying
over and over, or
maybe i'm already dead

but if you try to save me
you'll get pulled under

and i can't let you
drown with me because
you will die

and you won't come back

21.06.20
maybe you won't, but i can't take that chance
i don't love myself enough to risk your comfort for my happiness
210 · Jul 2020
tell me it's not pointless
efni Jul 2020
move the mountains,
empty the oceans,
flood the deserts
and let me be
happy.

09.07.20
i relapsed.

you said it's not impossible
but it feels so pointless and i lost hope a long time ago
197 · Jun 2021
still writing sad poetry
efni Jun 2021
dear writer of the past:
we're alive and sometimes
we don't regret that fact
but i think we will be writing
sad poetry forever

15.06.21
a lot has changed-
but somehow also nothing at all.
195 · Jun 2021
love me, leave me
efni Jun 2021
i am oh so easy to love
i'll give heart and soul for free
so i am seldom surprised
each time they abuse me and flee
go ahead, i'm quite used to it
soil, steal and break what you need
because i am easy to love and
i am oh so easy to leave

22.06.21
it's not just a pattern, it's an addiction.
who am i now if not exploited?
186 · May 2020
prison
efni May 2020
they say to just
free your mind
but they don't
understand i need
my mind to free me

09.05.20
just some midnight thoughts
175 · May 2021
softly
efni May 2021
you love me too quietly
for me to hear over my pain

and you touch me so softly
that i don't feel anything at all

30.05.21
i don't feel you
170 · Apr 2020
neither nor
efni Apr 2020
a couple ideas entered my mind
some disappeared into the darkness
others drowned in tears

i've been trying to write a poem for 45 minutes but
i really want to die right now
so it's kind of hard.

for me, i've noticed that
life is art and art is life

guess it's not that much of a surprise
that if i try to escape one
the other is lost to me

04.01.20
i really want to die all the time, does that still count as living? if not. what the hell am i doing.
167 · Jan 2020
Pretend
efni Jan 2020
I stayed a while in this city.
So I know, for sure, that what I am seeing,
Are simply the street's light-posts.

But I think I'll stay on this mountain.
Just far enough away that,
I can pretend it's a constellation on earth,
That escaped the dark blanket of clouds,
Whom stole my night's company.

07.01.20
you're just a lightpost but i can pretend.
163 · May 2020
more than bad memories
efni May 2020
i can still feel you

i'm in my bedroom, alone
no one is touching me
no one is hurting me

i can still feel you

you could be sleeping,
or a thousand miles away
or maybe you're dead

i can still feel you
and him and him and him

06.05.20
i heard someone's story tonight, and it triggered a flood of painful memories that have been on repeat for hours. i hate this.
150 · Aug 2020
but i don't want to
efni Aug 2020
i don't deserve the comfort of sadness,
i don't deserve the pain of emptiness.

i don't deserve the quiet of peace,
i don't deserve the clamour of fear.

i don't deserve the futility of help,
i don't deserve the worth of growth.

i don't deserve the consistency of love,
i don't deserve the finality of death.

i deserve to live -

07.08.20
- like this

vent:
am i being selfish? i can't live like this, well i can, but i don't want to. yet, at the same time, how dare i choose not to live? i don't deserve that choice. i deserve to live like this. it's the only thing i truly deserve.

right?
139 · Jun 2020
but all i see is fog
efni Jun 2020
a blinking signal to turn,
a stop sign or an oil spill
a yellow brick road,
a deadly cliff or a wild deer

an angel in disguise,
a sunset or a rugged path
a lethal car crash
a swerve to a new direction

either way

my feet are steady
on the gas pedal
and my eyes
are closed

28.06.20
it's so hard to describe what i'm feeling.

alternate title: crossroads
138 · Apr 2020
rubatosis
efni Apr 2020
pause.

do you hear that?
your heartbeat
it's always been there

can you feel it?
it's the most powerful
and gentle feeling

isn't it hard to ignore now?
it's almost silence
but it is deafening

once you hear it.

29.04.20
the sound of life
efni Apr 2020
dear red house on the hill,
do you feel alone
surrounded by green life
and grey monotone homes?

dear red bird in the tree,
do you feel wrong
held within green leaves
and bees who can't sing your song?

dear red heart in my chest,
do you feel like a fool
trapped in the darkness of
a mind that only knows to be cruel?

15.04.20
i've always wanted to write a poem about this red house on a hill i saw everyday. this idea came to me as i watched a red bird in a tree.
127 · Sep 2021
nausea
efni Sep 2021
I wish I'd throw up until I died.
126 · Sep 2020
the truth is scarier
efni Sep 2020
to say that my hope is restored;
that i now desire life and i believe
in my healing would be lies.

so i know i don't want to live like this

but the truth is,
i really don't want to die like this either.

01.09.20
that's reason enough...for now.
125 · Apr 2020
eyes and ears
efni Apr 2020
mismatched shapes of endless shades of green
frame a solid, silky blue dome
so smooth it could melt like
dripping thick tears of heaven

static pop music from my radio interrupts
disgruntled birds throwing a delicate tantrum
or perhaps they are just singing along

15.04.20
more poetry from my peaceful experiences on my roof
119 · Apr 2020
my biggest critic
efni Apr 2020
you read my poem
out loud, to me
and it was awful

words i carefully pieced together
transformed to an inept mess
coming from your mouth

my stomach turned inside out
as my familiar, finicky stanzas
became clumsy strangers

i almost wanted to cover my ears
to escape my art that began to
sound like amateurish trash

however, there was not one ounce
of mockery in your tone
as you recited my poetry

you were quite impressed
but it was awful because
you read my poem
to my biggest critic

29.04.20
i've been my biggest critic, persecuter and bully for as long as i can remember. one day, i hope i can learn to be content with myself.
efni May 2020
so you think
i look pretty
when i cry

the acidic tears
really bring out
my long eyelashes

the sniffling and choking
paint a soft rosy tint
on my nose tip

but i noticed
you ignored my red eyes
until they faded away

03.05.20
when youre in a dark enough place, therapy sometimes feels like mockery. it feels like this.
113 · May 2020
fear = trap
efni May 2020
i don't know
how to feel
safe

but maybe
i can learn

06.05.20
i've been trapped long enough.
112 · Aug 2020
if i could forget
efni Aug 2020
relentless recoil rendered
bearable by blissful but
impossible ignorance.

16.08.20
if i was unaware that my highs would always be closely followed by lows, maybe this would be more bearable...
108 · Nov 2021
fantasy theme
efni Nov 2021
folding
yesterday's
clean laundry.

shaping a
perimeter of
piles around
me sitting,
legs crossed
and slightly
slouching.

the voice of
a male siren
croons to
slow acoustic
tones playing
from one
side of my
damaged
headphones,

along with
π’‰π’Šπ’” static
voice.

02.11.21
it's a tuesday evening at 5:45pm and i think i can be happy.
this is becoming an unfamiliar pattern.
107 · Jul 2020
reflection
efni Jul 2020
i mostly pity you
and sometimes
you become a
stranger to me.

lately, i fear you
and i really don't
know which is
the worst feeling.

24.07.20
i've never loved you
but i swear
i've tried
106 · Jul 2020
drown me, please
efni Jul 2020
i spent years
wishing to drown
in the sun's glory

willing to trade
my life to end the
rain, until it ceased

my skin dry and cold
the sky free of storm
but just as dismal

it's funny that when
drizzle met my skin
i begged to drown in it

04.07.20
either will do fine,
just do something.
do something-
please
106 · Feb 22
i want to be beautiful
efni Feb 22
life gleamed in velvet colours
when it seemed to be
coming to an end

endlessly bleeding creativity
art made of pure desperation

i am healing like
grey static and still waters
passion, where are you now?

02.21.22
i'm begining to believe the chaos
was the most stunning part of me
and i am rather plain without it
103 · Aug 2020
incognito
efni Aug 2020
after years of pretending,
i can't tell what was real
what still is and what
never was.

13.08.20
finally trying to be myself, but who exactly is that?
100 · Aug 2021
a breath of burning air
efni Aug 2021
walking away, your grip
around my throat vanishing
as i ready for a rush of relief
a great gasp fills empty lungs
with acidic oxygen simply
replacing my suffocation with
a different kind of suffering

you're gone but you still hurt me
you're gone but i still feel you

11.08.21
shouldn't the worst be over...
i don't feel relief. i just feel like ****.
100 · Jul 2020
you're no prince charming
efni Jul 2020
i am a damsel and i'm in distress
but i am not 𝘺𝘰𝘢𝘳 damsel
and i am certainly not yours to "save"

25.07.20
please learn the difference between support and patronization
98 · May 2020
choose
efni May 2020
a feeling worse than
wanting to die
is wanting to live too

because you can't seem
to do either

and you can't seem
to do both

03.05.20
please just choose.
98 · May 2020
but it's not forever
efni May 2020
you can't see
the four walls
when the lights
are switched off
so the darkness
always feels like
forever.

06.05.20
even though i know it isnt, it always feels like forever, when it hits
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