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efni Jul 2021
normally i need my solitude
but tonight i need someone

and for the first awful time
i feel so lonely being alone

01.07.21
this is a new/very rare feeling
i usually find comfort in solitude
not tonight i guess...
444
efni Apr 2021
444
unfolded the yoga mat
and lit my sweetest candles

dusted off my journal and
let my thoughts turn to art again

took deep breaths and
drowned myself in gentle music

relaxed, yes, but still scared
at least this way, i'm a bit prepared

07.04.21
i have a feeling my "good streak" is about to crash
might as well enjoy the remaining stability while i can
efni Jul 2021
she was assassinated
by her own corpse
and roamed tortured
as a ghost haunted
by her own reflection

11.07.21
how many times
can i lose my mind
before it's okay to
stop ******* looking
i don't want it back
i want it gone
efni Aug 2021
walking away, your grip
around my throat vanishing
as i ready for a rush of relief
a great gasp fills empty lungs
with acidic oxygen simply
replacing my suffocation with
a different kind of suffering

you're gone but you still hurt me
you're gone but i still feel you

11.08.21
shouldn't the worst be over...
i don't feel relief. i just feel like ****.
efni Oct 2021
ive never learned
how to write without
inking my pen with
tears and blood from
my broken brain so
if you like to read my
poetic pieces of pain
nearly as much as i like
to create them for us
i guess it's a good thing
that ill never be good

i will never lose poetry as
i will never find happiness
so you will never lose me

10.19.21
I'm in pain but I'm a poet.
how's that for glass half full?
efni Feb 2020
chain me to a thousand
cruel, heavy words

but after all these years
of wicked torture and
encounters with death
i am still here

so you can never call me
weak

never again.

02.02.20
i've gained a unique kind of strength in my sickness
efni Apr 2020
when your poetry
touches another poet

sometimes

it almost makes
the pain feel
worth it.

23.04.20
one of the only things keeping me here.
efni Dec 2019
you say, "i'd like a minute alone"
i'd like a month alone, a year,
a life, a lovely life, quiet.
in a place of peace, where,
dust sleeps on rocks, blades of growing grass,
and my hands. where,
wind shifts the leaves, limbs of growing trees,
and my hair. where, i hear,
the orchestra of all creatures,
or the breath escaping my mouth,
agape, and my lips upturned
till death, i'd wake and grow too,
and love, as i've learned,
i was, i am, never alone
when i'm alone.

17.05.19
it's often forgotten that alone is not lonely
efni Aug 2021
this old creaking fan
is but a pathetic recreation of
the magical song of waves
that lulled me to sleep

and even if I squint
my roof, scratched and stained
hardly bears resemblance
to a starry sky

and pillows damp
from stray tears is a lousy jump
from resting in warmth
of loved ones

22.08.21
came back from a trip with friends
came right back to this dark hole
I didn't expect otherwise but it still hurts
efni Jul 2020
almost fixed it,
but it's still broken

almost saved you,
but you're still dead.

almost loved him,
but he's still leaving.

almost did it,
but i'm still breathing.

and i'm still bleeding.

21.07.20
almost almost almost
it seems i have a talent for being just not enough..
efni Mar 2020
stars never leave the sky

i bet you didn't notice
they shine just as bright
for us in the daytime
as in the night

they burn themselves
and we call it beauty

it's kind of sick
how we find graceful comfort
in their gentle suicide

isn't it?

10.02.20 // 02.03.20
read it again
efni Jul 2021
my voice is muffled, isn't it
your ears are stuffed with either
faith, fear or infatuation
that replaces your love with lenses
of bright flashing red lights
when you look at me so please just
keep your eyes closed
until im gone but know this well,
i am walking away but
you are the one who's leaving me

30.07.21
your obsession with God will always outweigh my worth to you and sometimes I foolishly need a reminder of that...
efni Aug 2020
my bed sheets became a portal to escape,
trading hours and hours for restless naps.
am i tired or sick?

my favourite book, shows and hobbies
seem estranged, senseless and dull.
am i bored or sick?

my walls are back up, providing me with
desperate digital and physical isolation.
am i antisocial or sick?

my appetite is no longer a reason for me
to travel all the way to the kitchen and eat.
am i lazy or sick?

my problems and pain suddenly "block"
me from helping the people that i love.
am i selfish or sick?

my pain doesn't feel justified and it feels
as futile, stubborn and pointless as healing
tell me, am i weak or sick?

am i both? neither? does it switch?
does one cancel out the other or
does one allow the other?

finally, and most importantly
am i ever going to get an answer?
or is this quandary eternal.

11.08.20
i'm very tired of battling these questions against myself whenever i feel the way i do. i can't tell if it's me, if it's normal or if it's my sickness.

i feel so confused and undeserving.
efni Apr 2020
i climbed onto my roof
to escape my house
at the same time
the sun escaped the sky

i watched the mountains light up
i watched the blue turn deep navy
i watched the stars appear
one by one

and i cried. and cried. and cried.

and the stars watched me

27.04.20
all they could do was watch.
they can't fix me
you can't fix me
efni Jul 2020
take slow sips of me
or chug me until
you've had your
fill or you're too
wasted to empty
me any further

smash my fragile
glass frame onto
the ground then
light whatever
spills out on fire
and watch it burn

were you cut when
you shattered me?
and how did i taste?
tell me how does it
feel to be drunk on
poison, *******?

21.07.20
i'm curious.
efni Feb 9
heat is pain

fire
bones and skin melted
your nerves destroyed
your body scorched

ice
is just a sick kind of fire
a cruel one because, you see

burn me once and discard of my corpse
but freeze me, warm me up
and freeze me again

heat is pain-
but cold? cold is torture.

02.08.2022
i'm freezing...for now.
this poem is a messy but so am i
efni Apr 2020
my eyes begin to close
once the sunrise i've seen

i eat nothing or everything
my weight on a trampoline

i'm quickly running out
of things to try, fix and clean

is it sunday? thursday?
maybe somewhere in between

who knew i'd hate school
even more, through a screen

i don't think i can get used to
this covid-19 routine

04.07.20
i really do not want to graduate on zoom
efni Jan 2020
either feeding your obsessions
with your past
or fashioning new impressions
of your future

you believe that, in between,  lies the present
still, grey and swarming with questions

fallacious beliefs of such suffocate lives
as your present could never be a quiet limbo

it is real, not paralyzed
it is where your life brings you answers, not questions
it is not still, it is moving, running. it is alive

it is not grey, it is amaranthine
and blue and red and
a thousand other colours that do not exist

02.01.20
aren't you tired of the limbo? so then, live. right now.
efni Jun 2020
i hated the phrase
'beautifully broken'
as i thought it was a lie
that romanticized pain

until i was broken myself
and learned it's beauty
is not the alluring aesthetic
you're familiar with

the "quiet" isn't delicate
it's emptiness
from draining of hope

the "gentleness" isn't grace
it's exhaustion
from endless futile fighting

the "wisdom" isn't elegant
it's burdening
from innumerous failures

the "peace" isn't content
it's feeling nothing
from once feeling everything

the "simplicity" isn't simple
it's the remains
from the chaos that broke you

and all that you are
and all that you have
are those tender remains
from the chaos that broke you

29.06.20
my chaos broke me
and i'm not sure if i can come back together.

i'm not even sure if i want to.

edit: oh yes! happy 100th poem
(well not so happy)
efni Mar 2020
i'm not scared of the dark
i'm just tired of it

i see it in the mirror
and in my actions

i hear it in my thoughts
and in my silence

i feel it in the tears on my face
and inside me

i feel it becoming me

becoming
full yet empty
alive yet dead

with a heart pumping cold blood
around a body that is too busy
fighting its mind to warm itself

12.03.20
i don't know how to stop it but i don't care as much as i should.
efni Jun 2021
i know being loved
is not the same
as loving

because if it was...i'd feel loved by you

but what if i care more
to be loved than
to be yours?

27.06.21
i don't think i do
i just wish i could have both for once
efni Aug 2020
when i hit the ground
i'll bounce up
but lately, i wish that
i'd break

because my fate is to
strike the dirt
every time i begin to
see the sky

and i don't know how much longer
i can convince myself that it's worth it

16.08.20
i'm very tired of bouncing
i don't care how, i just want to be still-
efni Dec 2019
i wouldn't say I'm good, but I'm not as bad as before.
i still compare and judge my body and my face daily.
i still fantasize about my death sometimes.
i still have voices in my head that hate me.
i still spend hours, in the dark, overthinking my existence.
i still hurt people and push them away.
i still scream and lie and curse and rage and i still cry.

but...i am still learning, because

when i look in the mirror sometimes i don't feel like crying.
when i think about death sometimes i don't feel like dying.
when thoughts attack my mind sometimes they don't end up winning.
when people say they care sometimes I don't think they're lying.
when i scream and lie and curse and rage and when i cry,
sometimes i don't crawl back to nothing.
it takes a while, but i forgive myself,
because i am still learning.
and i wouldn't say i'm good, but i'm better.

26.07.19
growth is impossible to see until you're far enough to look back
efni Jun 2021
it was almost over then it wasn't
and i still don't know how i feel

about that selfishly
bittersweet night
being another
failure

28.06.21
thinking of november
efni May 2020
i'm sorry but
you look so lovely in white
and i would surely leave a stain

21.05.20
if i show you the wound
you'll try to stop the bleeding
and i assure you, you'll fail
efni May 2020
she wasn't asleep but
she was just as peaceful.

my lungs matched the rhythm
of her soft, slow breaths, I felt
with my arm flung across her chest
so I could hold her hand in mine.

and for a while,
I couldn't focus on anything

but her.

22.05.20
i held my mother as she fell asleep, and i wondered if she felt that same consuming love when she held me as a child.

our relationship has come a long, rocky way and still has far to go, but i'm grateful i have a privilege to love her
efni Jan 2020
I'm not going to lie
and say that everything and everyone in my life
is dark and empty

I have red passion for art
Joyful experiences of yellow with loved ones
Green days of peace, and sweet blue rest

But when you add colour to black paint
It's still black
And I am still sad
Please, understand that

24.01.20
i'm smiling, i'm laughing but i'm still sick. sorry for disappointing you. i'm more disappointed than anyone else, i promise
efni Jun 2021
i believe i am one more
tiny mistake away
from slipping beneath
the surface again

29.06.21
every slip up feels like a massive chain and ball mercilessly dragging me by my legs, deeper underwater
efni Aug 2020
i'm sure i could create
enchanting stanzas and striking imagery,
visionary verses and true poetic masterpieces.

instead i only purge my pointless pain onto this page.

i'm sure my writing could reach much farther
beyond this endless sadness but, right now,
it's all i can see.

17.08.20
my poems are all different yet the all same
aren't you bored?

i am.
efni Dec 2020
every breath seems
to convict me as a
serial thief of oxygen

sentenced to heartbeats
found only outside of
nature's shared melody

and my eyes look as
distant and departed
as stars in the sunlight

i'm not sure where i am

04.12.20
i dont know what, but something's not right.
I feel so out of place...and non-existent
efni Apr 2020
this world can take anyone's
breath away
instead
everyone takes the world's
breath away.

13.03.20
roof poetry no. 2
efni Oct 2020
that wasn't a sunrise dear,
you set seven candles alight

and let your mind convince
you that you'd escaped the night

now you're choking on the smoke
and melting down with the wax

enough futile games, silly one,
it's time to come back.

31.10.20
i could find some more candles but i'm out of matches- and I am tired of the dark.
efni Jun 2020
a blinking signal to turn,
a stop sign or an oil spill
a yellow brick road,
a deadly cliff or a wild deer

an angel in disguise,
a sunset or a rugged path
a lethal car crash
a swerve to a new direction

either way

my feet are steady
on the gas pedal
and my eyes
are closed

28.06.20
it's so hard to describe what i'm feeling.

alternate title: crossroads
efni Aug 2020
i don't deserve the comfort of sadness,
i don't deserve the pain of emptiness.

i don't deserve the quiet of peace,
i don't deserve the clamour of fear.

i don't deserve the futility of help,
i don't deserve the worth of growth.

i don't deserve the consistency of love,
i don't deserve the finality of death.

i deserve to live -

07.08.20
- like this

vent:
am i being selfish? i can't live like this, well i can, but i don't want to. yet, at the same time, how dare i choose not to live? i don't deserve that choice. i deserve to live like this. it's the only thing i truly deserve.

right?
efni May 2020
you can't see
the four walls
when the lights
are switched off
so the darkness
always feels like
forever.

06.05.20
even though i know it isnt, it always feels like forever, when it hits
efni May 2020
i'm not staring at my ceiling
i'm seeing right through it

looking for stars who have
been looking at me forever

to tell me how to be a part
without being a part

to tell me how to exist when
it feels like everything is
living and leaving you
behind

even though, you're still right here

22.05.20
just trying to understand what i'm feeling.
and i'd guess stars feel the same way
efni Oct 2020
I'll gladly stay up tonight
sinking deeper into those
perfect pools of coffee

08.10.20
Just thinking about your eyes tonight // I know it's cliche but i've never seen brown eyes that way before. Never like yours.
efni May 2020
you strapped me in tight
"for my safety"

it's a smooth ride that
brings a smile to my face

until
the metal heats up
and begins to
melt my skin

until
the ride shakes
and begins to
fall apart

until
the seat belts
begin to feel
like chains

it's for my safety
but i can't feel safe
on this ride

i want to get off.

03.05.20
i don't feel safe in my own mind
i want to leave but my loved ones are my seat belt...my chains.

one day, i might find the key
one day, i might leave
if that happens, i am truly sorry
but i really really really want to get off
efni Jun 2020
i need to clean my room
i need to clear my mind
i've been missing therapy
and my studies are behind

i need to help my friends
i need to fix my fan
i have exams in two weeks
and my brain is in a sham

but today,
i made a cheesecake
and i'm learning that
that is good enough

28.06.20
to just survive for today is an accomplishment.
you're here and i am proud of you.
efni May 2020
a feeling worse than
wanting to die
is wanting to live too

because you can't seem
to do either

and you can't seem
to do both

03.05.20
please just choose.
efni Apr 2020
sweet kisses
all over my tongue
turn bitter all too quickly

stained teeth and acid aftertaste
"wash your mouth
and try again"

when will it be okay
to stop eating
cinnamon

when will it stop.

12.04.20
i am struggling to believe the sweet is worth this cruel aftertaste
efni Apr 2020
sweet kisses
all over my tongue
fade perforce

but i will cherish
those fleeting moments
as if they were eternal

unknowing
when i may stop
eating cinnamon

but i'll take what i can get,
for now.

19.04.20
continuation of my poem, 'cinnamon', written and posted on 12.04.20

i suppose i am trying to live in the present.
i suppose i am trying to live.
efni Mar 2021
i'm afraid my ink has dried because
my thoughts are frozen solid and
my heart has become too cold
to thaw either back to life

i hope this burning desire is enough...

04/03/21
i think i want to write again....is it possible i've forgotten how?
efni Jan 2021
you don't get to tie rocks
to my feet and turn a blind eye
as i struggle under torrents,
then expect swimming lessons

figure it out or drown

25.01.21
i don't owe you that. i don't owe you anything.
i won't handhold you through the consequences of you hurting me.
efni Jul 2020
days of the week
fuse into one long
blur of grey and
indifference

13.07.20
apparantly, a week passed but all i can recall is waking up, feeling nothing but tired, sad and frozen then falling asleep
efni Jul 2020
please dry your hands
before you hold me.

you're lovely but
you're clumsy.

and if i slip from you
once more, i may just
break.

13.07.20
i felt good for 8 hours today,
then i slipped, now i'm back.
i suppose i should be grateful.
efni Jul 2021
my darkest desires take point
but my will to live is often spoilt
these savage opposites are joint
never a winner or loser to appoint
a path set from birth you did anoint
i'm always dying to disappoint

11.07.21
i'm not want you want
i'm not what i want either
efni Aug 2020
"reach for the stars!"
i'm certain you've heard that one before.

and sure, it makes a catchy quote but
have you ever really reached for the stars?

outstretched arms, on your tippy toes, and
your forehead creased with determination.

your eyes locked on them as they tease;
playfully winking and blinking back at you.

and you swear they seem just out reach...
but that is a cruel, desperate and futile illusion.

don't reach for the stars because your best
will never be enough for them, and plus-

they're dead anyway.
but you? you are alive.

11.08.20
i believe you should strive towards your goals but setting unreachable standards for yourself is exhausting.

don't torture yourself with impossible goals
because your best IS good enough.
don't beat yourself up over dead stars,
because you're alive, you deserve more

and you are enough.
efni Oct 2021
we fall asleep
so easily as if
our minds
are making
a mockery of
our hearts
that arguably
fell even faster.

21.10.21
sweet dreaming, sweetheart
efni Sep 2021
i hope as you're drifting off now
you imagine the comfort of
me holding you closely but gently
as i so desperately want to

perhaps if i want it enough
you'll feel a warmth fall onto you
and somehow know that it's
my love seeping through the screen

20.09.21
he fell asleep on our call...again ♡
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