If you don't like my cold heart
& distant soul
Maybe you shouldn't have ******* left me then came back
I'm not special. I never was. I'm sliver when most people are gold. I never expected someone to stay. I always knew there are people better in the world that catch your attention. It's not like I'm anything at all. I can't do much. Sing. Dance. Play ball. Can't do nothing at all. I'm some girl who holds you back when you want more. I'm ******* myself and I know that. But someone like you who meant the world to me hurts me with words that I'm not good enough. I know I'm not. I never was. It's hard to be happy when words repeat in my mind. It's hard to feel wanted when I'm not wanted as much anymore. Some girls are out of your ledge then what dose that make me? Nothing? Temporary until you become out of my ledge? Some people aren't meant to be loved but I always thought we were good.
What if I mess it up and you realise I'm not
What if I break your heart and grind the fragments into a million tiny pieces?
What if I say goodbye only to realise that the word I was looking for was
What if you can't handle the pressure of being with someone so beautifully insane?
What if our differences tear us apart and we end a potential lifetime of laughter with
What if every "what if" I have in my head destroys us before we even begun?
I am so worried that I will hurt you
they're saying "all you do is drink and cry", "I think you're bad for everyone" and you're not saying anything and I'm saying I love you,
I ******* love you
And maybe I needed something to bring me back to reality maybe these bathtubs are always a little too deep for me but I fit so perfectly in small spaces because I learned when I was 14 that i was never gonna grow into a butterfly
but my aunt still calls me hers and I'd still flutter my eyelashes on yours while the earth turned to ash because I like things ending so softly
and you are a ******* miracle if I've ever seen one I want to sleep with you so badly, on a trampoline in the summer and I want to watch you do bad things and smile so sweetly at you and you'll know that I don't give a **** what you do as long as you're still loving me while you're doing it because baby we've got this one life and I've been loving you as long as I have known what love is and I know it's in the way you whisper and I know it's in the way you say you're my world and if the world stopped turning tomorrow we'd be the only things still moving with excitement you make me so nervous and calm and nervous and calm and deep breath you make me nervous I bet you'll make me nervous when we're older and I'm making you pancakes and I feel your eyes on me and I burn my fingers but you always kiss them better baby
you're an alleyway and the kitten that sleeps there
you're the rain on the windowpane and the water breaking the levee
I'm drowning in everything I have ever said to you so if I say one last thing one last thing,
while you're not saying anything,
I love you,
I ******* love you
Exasperated sigh from the insomnia
I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
Thoughts of you flooding my mind again
What can I write that I haven't already said
How many different ways can I express my desire for you and the heartache from not having you
Well not having you to myself
I guess the exhausted question is, is it better to have a piece of you or would it be better to just wash my hands of this completely?
And you're never alone
When we're together, I can force myself to forget that there's someone else
I force myself to stay in that moment of just you and me
And the feelings I get are so euphoric
I feel so happy
And I begin to fantasize that it could be this way forever
How insanely ridiculous to set myself up that way
Cause you leave, and the torment starts all over again
I miss you as if I haven't seen you in months
And I kick myself because this is all my fault
If I had just walked away all the times I told myself I should
After all the times I'd say I was done
But I just can't
My life doesn't feel right without you in it
Maybe it's the excitement of the chase
Or the overwhelming loneliness I feel and fear in general
I wonder if I gave you an ultimatum
If I made you choose life with me and just me
Or life without me at all
If you'd realize you fear life without me too
Or if you'd walk away with no hesitation at all
Every time I try to ask
My mouth goes dry
I can barely swallow the lump in my throat
It's like I can't breathe
So I save it for another day
And then another
And despite my procrastination
Daylight has begun to creep through the night sky
It's another day
Another chance for resolution, no matter how bitter
But if I never find the backbone to ask you...
Will I ever find the strength to leave you.....
A. #fallinforafriend #itssocomplicated #hesscaredthstwithmeitssoreal #excuses? #truth #icantseemtowalkaway #weak
I hope she knows what she's getting herself into.
I hope she knows what your heart sounds like after a night of
comparisons between her handwriting and mine.
I want you to know that I am through with dumbing
myself down to fit inside your god complexed hands.
Don't tell me I never tried to save us.
I wrote you songs with knives on my palms
and your ears were anything but listening.
I had a dream about you every night since you told me
you didn't know how to love anything with a heartbeat and hope.
I started sleeping again when you came back, and oh when you came back...
I am not sorry that my temper is as short as the lifespan of us.
I am not sorry that your smile is the only one that ever made me
want to wake up in the morning.
I am all pain and long long longing and she has always been
a storm with a heart dead set on your stillness.
Our problem is that I never stop shaking long enough for the dust to settle.
I've been writing with the same pen for four years and
you still only recognize my words when she plays them back.
Let it not be confused, foggy or incomprehensible-
you were the one.
Until the one became none and I stopped being a number when you stopped counting miles.
I hope she loves harder than a woman with dementia, relearning parts of you every morning
in the places you reserved with my first and your last- maybe next time.
Maybe next time, maybe next life will be different.
Maybe I'll be patient, stronger, I'll stop covering my smile. You'll stop pretending to be in love.
I will stop shaking and the dust will settle and her poetry will make you sick.
Her poetry will sprout evening primroses and she won't know that you always fall asleep before midnight
or that you're allergic to flowers that bloom when the sun is down.
All I want is to be warped up in your arms safe and not worried about what the world has to offer. I want to wake up to your face sound asleep and smile to the fact that your mine.
That funny fact is that I'm so in love with you scares me cause waking up alone is a recurring thing that I don't want it to stay. I want you to stay. I'm not one to look into mirrors and see beauty but with you my mirrors are broken and all I see is you. I still get scared your gonna not want me and not think I'm everything you want in a soul and that's a battle on these long lonely nights. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to become perfect for you when you return to me. I'm boring. And the same. Do you want that forever?