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Amber May 2014
You
Make
My
Head
Spin

Faster and faster its as if
I'm on the tilt-a-whirl
And the faster it gets
The more adrenaline I have pulsing through my veins
Amber May 2016
I'm drowning
I can't breath
My chest is tight
The last breath I have
Its fading fast

Why did I agree to this
I need some one to
Save me
I don't like asking
But I need help

Drowning
It feels worse than
Being physically injured

Not drowning from
Regret
Fear
Or wanting redemption

Drowning from the sheer feeling
of not being good enough
Not being able to play happy
And no longer able to hold it all in

I can't breath
I can't find the will to fight
I need help
Where are you?
Amber May 2014
Take a deep breath and let  whatever it is float away
I just can't seem to do that though
You're still on my mind
Your touch still makes my heart race
And yet here I am trying so hard to forget you
But every time you speak to me
I feel as though an electric current is flowing through my body

Now though
Now
You cold careless if I lived or if I died
I try to speak and you shove me to the side
It's as if I am just another pathetic girl

You said you would never hurt me
Yet you are the one who did the most damage
So when you see me please just go away
I don't want your pity
Amber May 2014
Tell me I'm pretty
Tell me I'm cute
Tell me I'm beautiful

Yes I know I am none of these things
It is nice to hear though
I will try my best to be
However being pretty is never been of a use to me

Compliments are nice
But they have never been my forte
I don't have the ability to trust where these compliments come from
Because to me being complimented is just another way
To get something I do not posess
Amber May 2014
For two years I studied
For two years I tried so hard
Yet here I am unable to
Even understand
The most basic questions
I did try I really did but
In he end that wasn't good enough

Maybe it was my teachers
Maybe I should have gotten a tutor
How can I get absolutely  
Zero on a French quiz

I can speak it but not read it
That doesn't make any sense
I can ask for the simplest things but not write them

I can't believe it
Granted this isn't my first failure
Amber Nov 2018
I hate him
I hate him
And you know what else....
I hate him!

I waited
I was patient
I was there everytime he called
I made him laugh after not wanting to
I made him comfortable after the wreck
I opened myself up to him
I let him treat me as if we were in love
I told him my feelings had surpassed
I waited
I gave him space
I tried

He lied
He changed his mind
He found something "better"
He droped me flat on my face
After I was on a cloud of enjoyment
And now he cries to me

He comes back when things are wrong
He talks to me when he is stressed
He jokes about seeing me soon

But he's still not mine
I am forgotten and unwanted
I am alone
While he thrives with her
After I put in the work
He still choose her

And I will always be pushed away
I will still be in pain
I will still crave him
I will still be alone
Amber Jul 2015
I miss you
I miss the connection
Without it
I feel like I can't breath

You were... (are)
All I wanted.... (want)
Why did you have to end it
We didn't even have a fight

You just ended it
and left me

Struggling for air
Needing a new home
Unprotected
Hurting

Come back to me
Please
I need you
Even though you don't
Need.... (want) me anymore
Amber Jul 2019
I thought we were fine...
I don't understand...
Why are you leaving?

I have to start over again...
I have to try and connect again...

Where do I go from here?
I don't want to start again
Amber Nov 2017
If I just let my mind wander
It brings a sense of peace in a time full of chaos
It is the end of the semester and big projects are becoming eminent
But here I am
Have not begun to start on them
Need rough drafts due next week but
Don’t know where to even start
If i ask for help will I be looked down on?
Probably not
But why is it so hard to ask for help
Is it because I’ve always had to be self-reliant?
At one point does someone learn to ask for help
The problem being I don’t even know what I need help with
Thoughts of ending life are at the back of my mind
But I have so much I can learn still
How do you quiet down the voices in your head
Maybe there is a reason that
I need to ask for help
How did I get here?
So far behind in everything feeling inadequate
Wondering if there is a place to rebuild myself
Would talking to a counselor help?
Honestly what can they do besides tell me to stop
Stop working so much
Focus on school
It’s not that easy
I need a living to survive
I need income to maintain
Maintain my bills
My accounts are all at zero
Zero how I feel about myself
Amber Sep 2014
Can someone free me?
Can anyone hear the sobs from deep inside me?
I'm tired of feeling alone even when surrounded by people
I'm tired of being judged
I'm just tired of everything

Love only exists for lucky people
Luck is only granted to those who deserve it
Amber Sep 2018
Tossing and turning
Why are you leaving
I know you choose this but.
We just started
You finally admitted I was enough

But now here we are
You are leaving and
Not even you know when
For how long neither of us are sure
I won't be able to hold you

I won't be able to be there
Now it takes an hour to drive to you
But soon it may take hours to fly
Or I may not even get to be near you

I know it's your job
I know you want this
I know you say you're not nervous
But I feel like you're hiding
You're not telling me everything

Please don't leave me
I'm breaking inside a lit...
No a lot
We finally got close and now you're leaving

Stay safe
Come home to me
Please don't forget me
I love having you in my life
You give me a high
that's better than any drug

Just be safe and come home
Amber Jul 2015
Every scar has a story
Every drop of ink has a purpose
I don't find them repulsive
They deserve pride

I earned every scar
I inflicted some
And others we're created

The hours under a needle
Worth every second
My tattoo all have meanings
They may not be apparent to you
But they are to me

I have a ***** in my armour
Maybe more than one
But
I never said I was perfect

If you ask me
I'm a basket case
Certifiably insane
But every scar has a story
And very ounce of ink
Was worth trying to tell
My story
Amber Nov 2017
I’m not sure if i’m broken enough yet
I’m not sure if i can take this pain anymore
Is it ok that i want to quit?
Is it ok that i am past my breaking point?

What is freedom
Is it actually when you have the ability to be alone?
Is it where you have time to breath?
Why can’t you see it

All i want to do is sleep
All i want is to be done
Would a blade help
No
I don’t need that anymore
Im passed that
No more scars on my wrist…
Legs..
Or hips..
Only a few have seen the scars i’ve left on me

Is it ok to cry
No no crying no time for that
What about breathing normally
Nope get back to work
Can i run away and hide
No need to focus just focus

Does anyone understand
This internal battle
Surviving and living are they the same thing
Does not feel like it is

Just 5 min
No stay awake
Keep moving
You’re not good enough
Keep going

Just a quick breath
No you’re not fast enough
Go faster
Stop tripping
Keep going

I can’t
There’s no excuses
Keep moving
You’re not enough
You will never be enough
Amber Apr 2016
I don't understand
How can I still feel like this
I thought I was over you
I've been fighting to get over you

You are like my best friend
All I want is to be in your arms again
But I can't
I think you're moving on

And Everytime I see you communicating
with those other people
I die a lot inside
I'm hurting and wish I was able to just
Disappear
Amber Jun 2014
I am an animal
I don't share
What's mine is mine
There is no ours

I don't label situations
In the same sense other people do
Its not boyfriend and girlfriend
It's simply put as MINE
And I hope I'm theirs

Yes I have a problem with sharing
No I don't do open relationships
Yes I do get jealous
And she is a **** mighty monster

A powerful enough monster
That eats away my calm exterior
And makes me crazy
Yet I'm thankful for her

If I didn't have her
I wouldn't care anymore
Amber May 2014
Puppy kisses sweet and meaningful
They are full of love
Never are they brutal
Or harmful
They don't break your heart
They are like sunshine

No judgment shows in their eyes
No hate flows from their mouths
They cuddle you even when you don't want it
They are there when your walls break down
And you can barely gasp for air

Even if you are mad at them
They still make you smile and feel wanted
I do not believe that any human can make you feel
The way a puppy does

Nothing smells like puppy breath
There are no words to describe
The smell at that age
It smells like sunshine on a cloudy day
Amber Jun 2014
You are perfect
There isn't a thing I would change about you
I love your face
I love the way you sound like a pixie
When you giggle

Every time I fall for this CRAP
And only you make me
Why can't I get over you

Dear god why do you make me feel this way
These butterflies in my stomach
Won't go away
Every time I think about you I can't help
But smile

Yet I feel so depressed
When you decide someone else is
Better
I hate being jealous over you
Especially being you are not
Mine to claim

Why can't I let go of you
Amber May 2014
Fear
Terror Pain
Hatred Jealousy Mistrust
Need Want
Care
Amber Sep 2014
It should be helpful
It should show you at your best
It should help your self esteem

Yet it kills you
It shows all imperfections
It makes you feel small
And ugly
It shows every little flaw

Stupid rectangle
You show me everything
Everything that is wrong
Everything that needs improvement
Everything that ruins my day

— The End —