I see his name and my stomach plummets
Not in the way it used to
Not in the way that made my face glow
And my knees weak

Its sinking
Screaming
The blood drains from my face
And I gasp for air.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

I understand you don't want me to go That's fine.
But I can't watch you dig through your car
For money for tonight's numbing.
You can't call me names
And still call me your daughter
And just because you offer me a cold one
Doesn't mean I'm playing your game.
I tried to give you a chance to prove
That your words were worth an ounce of truth
You may have been sober for months
But it's been two weeks of slurred speech
And several days of you
Not leaving that door
For anything more than a bottle.
Why the **** would I want to stay?
You keep saying that
No one here will hurt me
Too late dad, you've made your mark
In the form of six packs and cruel words.
I was better off without you for 10 years.
You have never been daddy.

She is a shadow so frail
That thoughts alone ignite her
Her eyes wither and grow with sadness
A worn hand to hold onto
She sings me lullabies in the morning
To keep me close in bed
She tells me all my secrets:
They're better off in my head.
She doesn't like when I talk to strangers
She says they'll never love me more
I can't imagine life without her
It wouldn't last for long
My dark and lovely mistress
My shadowed saddened soul.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days
Time swirling in and out of my peripheral vision
Taunting me in my bed
The heaviness just feels so full
And the light is fleeting
Over grown thoughts pressed into my skull
I don't know how to grow anymore.

Could we please just go back to the start?
Where our eyes were burning with dreams
And our hearts ignited with hope.
We can take a few steps back
And have our footsteps align again.

Can we go back to breathing together?
Woven finger tips and tangled limbs
So close that every breath seems to echo
In the others mouth.
I'll hit rewind if you hit pause
I wish that moment was my forever.
I'd give anything to feel your lips
Just one more time.

It's 12 pm, your hollow voice calls
A resounding echo in my head
Of muddled clouds
On a perfect day