I'm suppose to be strong,
To rise above my fears,
To turn the other cheek,
And take the beating.
Told tears were weakness,
Don't show emotions.
Plaster the smile back on
For happiness is strength.
It doesn't matter that I'm alone
Right?
Trusting only one,
Everyone else… I was broken by everyone…
It doesn't matter. I don't…
But to keep going.
All I need is strength today, tomorrow.

Bones melting
Teeth
Chattering. I...
Fading fast.
Crying behind the mirrors
Where dust and dirt is hidden.
Can't... they... see... through this mask...?
an empty heart groans,
Softly echoing.
There's only skin and bones,
now a skeleton.
Another cry.
Will it repeat again?

I slip...

I am the red rose on the counter
slowly wilting, rotting away.
The life inside me is vanishing,
Drifting away,
Lukewarm.
Is this depression that I'm slipping into?

I have built up a dream
That I knew I would never get to have.

And now...

Today was just one of those days
Where you know
Everything will go wrong.

Your hair is a mess,
Your clothes don't fit,
There's frost on your car,
Your fingers are numb,
Your words aren't quite right,
They think you're dumb,
And you are just an embarrassment.

You just can't pick up the slack.

I showed you who I am.
You love me more for it.
I still don't understand how...
My world was dull, for it is hard to see color
When the light goes out.

Why is this amazing dream so hard to believe?
That someone would love me for
Who I am,
Not
Who they think I am,
Or expect me to be.

Your kind smiles buoy me up,
I thrive on the kind words you speak
To me,
And long to be in your arms again,
My knight.

but now my world feels empty again, for now.
I miss you, my love.

More than I could have asked for, more than I could ever dream...
Kisses with you,
Your hand in mine,
Kneeing with you,
Exchanging rings.
I will never give this up for anything.

Safe is not here
With tears and snot running down my face
Down my neck
Dampening my shirt.

Safe is not here
With the person that once claimed to be
My biggest fan
In the car talking.

Safe is not here
As I try to push my thoughts away
Of the blade
On my flesh again.

Safe is not here.

I feel like myself again
Smiling, happy,
My muses and music around me.
Have I ever been this confident before?
I actually want to stand out,
Stand apart,
Stand by myself in the glaring sunlight
While everyone notices or doesn't notice.
Ultimately it doesn't matter which one it is,
It matters that I am still
Standing.

Sweet,
Sincere,
You.
but at this point all I feel are tears.

Feeling in a dark brown mood today,
Alone,
In dim shadows.

I appreciate you being here,
Standing by me. Even though
I feel as though I’ve betrayed you
By trusting you with my past.

Kind,
Gentle,
You treat me with respect.
Even now, when I feel
I should be shunned and scolded.
It would make more sense if you did,
For I already feel worthless, helpless, lost
Again. Sunk in the memories...
The memories I regret every second of.

I’m sorry I was so reckless before.

I really wish I was the angel you thought I was...
Instead of ***** shattered pieces of glass littering the street.

You don't know me...
In a way.
I thought you knew me once--
You broke me
And since you knew me,
I took it so personally.
I have been broken
And there is no way to show,
No way to tell.
I am suffocating under all of it,
Bottling it up where it will ferment
To drunken me
With pain.
But you don't even care.

I woke today still feeling your
Warm rough hand touching the
Crest of my head.
I still can't shake the feeling
And the fading image
Of the Dead world I woke from.
You and I were the
Last ones,
The ones who could still
Experience feeling.
The ones who could still
Experience Life.
You held me tight
And protected me
All through that Dead night.
If the rest of the world was
Dead right now,
Would you hold me and
Protect me
Like you did last night?

I saw your sacrifice--
A drop of sweet blood--
As proof you were not
Dead like the others.
I showed my own Life blood too.
I sensed your hatred,
Felt waves of heat
Extinguish those Dead that harmed.
We and Life were in the sunlight,
The last place Dead
Was kept from.
Under lock and chain,
The Living Dead was kept from sight.
Confident you were,
But I knew you were still scared,
Just like me.
Regardless, you protected me
From this nightmarish reality.

Don't leave me now,
I still need to Live.

What is value?
Something you feel? Touch? Show?
I don’t feel my value tonight
As you betray my words and
Misdirected my meanings.
Why trust anymore?
It always breaks...
Everyone has broken that fragile trust of mine
That I spend so much time keeping together.
I don’t feel welcome here.

But she never said a word.
She didn’t need to.
The conversation always breezed past her unsaid words.
“Hellos” and “Goodbyes”
Were only formalities anyway.
Even “How are you?”
Has lost it’s meaning— or rather no one means what it says.
Of course, that only applies if you are not invisible,
If they see you and want to talk.
Do they see?
Or do they not care to talk?
Meanings mix with lies, making one believe of
Worthlessness of one’s self.
Believing she was worthless
(there was no reason not to)
She continued on smiling,
Hiding behind her paper
And playing with her pencil.

And the scary part is
That she doesn’t know that
Everyone doesn’t always feel this way.

The girl trails behind Daddy,
Trying to help carry the boxes that are too heavy for her,
And too often getting in the way of the men moving furniture.
But they are nice to her,
And don’t discourage her.
Sister does.
Sister is over there talking to the neighbor girls.
They are all instant friends.
Luckily they all leave her alone—Sister doesn’t.
“Why bother? The men can do it.
Maybe you should be a man too!”
The girls laugh.
She doesn’t.
The girl picks up another box,
Not letting her face fall until they couldn’t see her.
Walks to her room and sits down.

Only then does she let each tear fall.

Before long she is done,
The rest of the pain bottled up somewhere that she can forget about.
Her hands still shaking,
Getting up one more time,
She checks her face in the mirror,
Making sure that her face isn’t too splotchy,
Not wanting to be questioned by anyone.
She walks back to the van, getting another load
To let Sister know that there is no winning today.
Only she will win.

Sister doesn’t notice.

My mind and stomache
SCREAM
At the things I have told you.
All truth,
No lies.
The only one I haven't lied to.
Even though I still hide
It all
From you.

I wish to hide this from myself.

I love being a sunrise to you,
Safe in your arms,
Holding my heart.
I will be vulnerable,
Trusting you to my core,
Giving you my secrets and smiles.

Fragile.
Breakable.
That's what I told Him I was.
And all I wanted was for Him to
Help.
Heal.
Can't He do it?
Can I let myself trust
Him
Change me from
Broken and
Bitter
To something new?
Because He suffered for me,
Understanding perfectly that
My mistakes would happen,
He is there.
Already holding my hand,
Lifting me above the thorns
To somewhere beautiful.

Promising to heal me if I let Him lead.

Is
Falling in love
With your place in the world.

In a lovely state,
          Dreaming of what will happen next,
Dancing amid the daring fates,
          Flying in the sky.
Daring to be what once was,
          Forgetting what became,
Changing from the bitter of worries because
          Knowing that winter turns to spring
And summer to fall lets the world know
          That I can be clean again.

Dancing on broken glass
Is only hard
When you can still feel pain.

Disclaimer: I can still feel pain.

I guess it was just how every wish I made--
Yellow lights,
Eye lashes,
11:11,
I spent them wishing I could be with you,
Be your first kiss,
And your kiss mine.
But then--
I was weak.
I didn't ask you "Do you or did you like me?"
Those were just the words I used.
I meant "Could anyone love me for who I am?"
And then when I tried to play it like a joke--
"Rude." The word too often used
To describe who I am.
It broke me... And my trust in you.
I was being inconsiderate.
I was being rude.
I was weak.
I am still weak.
Funny how being weak makes it hard to let go of a heavy weight.
I promise I don't hate you--
Even if you see sadness in my eyes.
I thought I learned how to love,
But I can't.
I can't even love myself.

And yet--
              After all of this--
                                         I love you for who you are.

You should've known my greatest fear.
Funny, I don't recall you asking me after
All our time.
Time.
Tick tock tick.
Before the clock strikes midnight
I know I will be left alone again.

Backing me into a corner–
No way of escaping.
Worth this trouble?
No– not I– but I knew it would turn in this way.
That it would become this,
No matter the original innocence.
My innocence.
Soiled by others' hands and lips who strayed too far.
back me up,
chiding, chastising,
Cornered.
With my trust compromised…

Safe.
That's the feeling that has made me
Fall for you.
I don't know why or
How
I trusted you,
You are different.
Making me feel that somehow
I am special
Despite myself.

Pounding feet,
Pounding head,
Running.
From everything I use to know,
No longer do I know who I am.
What I am.
What am I?
What they tell me?
In blissful ignorance,
Or a shame?
Both ugly and a disgrace
While being beautiful.
Beauty?
The cover of a magazine,
Something that makes people think more of the
Risqué
Than the lovely.

I'm too weak to handle this pain...
I've been holding on as long as I can,
Dropping to my knees to pray
To the ONLY one strong enough to
Save
Me.

I hide it in my smile,
By the way I talk.
My words can hide the pain.
Not my eyes...
Never my eyes,
They have seen too much,
The anger,
Hate,
What destroys me.

Don't worry about me.
You may understand,
But never say you know me--
You don't,
No one can.

and
I couldn't bear to lose you. This
Broken
Body of mine still tries to move forward,
Every day,
Days.
Just like you do with your mind.
I want to let you know I'm proud of you,
With everything you accomplished.
My only wish is that you'd forget all using.

Fighting a battle in myself that has already been lost... And trying to pick up the pieces as I go.

The torment I put myself through.
Can he see it? How with his every word, every action.
I. am. the. one. to. tear. myself. apart.

long distance relationships are the pits.
i can understand that.
i lived it with you.
when will you be strong enough to really let me go..
To let me free fall and hit the pavement HARD.
It wouldn't be more damage than you've already caused me.

i blame myself for every pain you have.
i know it's my fault that you hurt yourself and then
cheated on me, to try and make yourself feel real again.

you say it didn't work. i say it's better than hanging around for me.
ill be a disappointment anyway.

Crisp,
Cold,
A snap.
It was not expected.
Nothing was felt as the world
Turned to rain.
All she could ask for was time.
Maybe it was a dream,
But awakening to reality,
She realized the nightmare she was living.
The world was dead.

P
R
E
T                                          Was all she did
E                                                   For the next year.
N
D
I                                    Until everything just
N                                                     BROKE
G

I ran away from you again today.
My heart just keeps beating too fast,
I can't control my words.
I wonder what would you say
If I told you what I think.

Your smile,
Your touch,
Your little conversations.
I'm sorry I so quiet.
I'm so scared,
Did you know that?
Do you care?

I want you to look in my eyes and see,
I'm hard,
I'm scared,
I'm unprepared,
I'm crying.

Take my hand,
Walk with me,
You don't need to tell me I'm beautiful,
Just listen to every word that goes unspoken.

Never.
Don't you dare
Let a girl fall asleep thinking
That she is a monster.

She will rip herself apart from the inside out.
before she will trust you again.

If you ever deserve her trust again.

What do you miss? What do you want to go back for? Aren’t you sad it’s over?
Strangely (or not)
I missed nothing.
I didn’t want to turn back, only
Forward.
But wasn’t that a home you were leaving?
Home for me?
Nah,
I’ve never known a “home”
In a traditional sense.

Home for me is
Chasing rainbows
And dancing in the rain while it shines.
It is people that are real
(Not fake like the ones I come across).
It is sunsets in the afternoon,
And naming the stars at night.
Cocoa stained lips,
Hot apple cider,
Hugs and kisses,
Feeling safe but alive,
That is home to me.

The time ticks by like a leaky fosit.
A slow leaky fosit.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

My mind shys away from
The thoughts of you. That
Every drip drop
Echoes another second closer to
Losing you.

Drip

               Drip                    Drop
                                  D
                             R       R
                         O                I
                     P                         P
                                  J

... I wish I had an umbrella...

Fleeting love,
Back to normal again.
Smiling:
A fitting mask for my face.
They can't tell how broken I became--
How broken I am--
Why show them?
I will heal from this eventually.
It will be okay.

Could you keep me safe and warm?
I've walked through the winter and
Picked up a case of frostbite.
I've seen it affect people's hearts,
Twisting their fears into reality as their light recedes,
Suffocated in the cold,
Like Caoimhn.
Calm Caoimhn, now chaos.
My toes are turning black, a sure sign I'm losing this fight,
Stacking up like the fights I've lost before.
My mind drifts,
Falling into this snowy drift, falling, falling,
Sleeping when there's snowflakes on my cheeks.
Turning blue in the subarctic temperatures,
I try to stay alive.
Breathing slowly, shivering,
I won't let my heart go cold,
But I still won't be safe from the frostbite.

the numbness was overwhelming again.

pitter patter Then a CLAP!
I cover my eyes as
I'm overtaken.
The dark,
the pressing dark sinks in.
is there any peace in memories

Magnificent
Is the feeling you give me.
I watch your eyes,
Your caring careful honest eyes,
Watch in fascination the awe, respect, and love evident in a single glance.
I’m as fragile as a bird in your hands,
Holding me close but not carelessly.
Tenderly.
Patiently, seeing me cry and
Being there to lift me up.
You are a refuge to me,
Home.
Smiling softly as I fall further in love with you.
Losing my breath every time I glance at you.
You are so beautiful,
Is this a dream?
I dance,
With you in my arms,
Without any music, because today and forever
I need only your song.

People tell me who I'm suppose to be,
That isn't the genuine me,
I only show the face, the mask,
I can sculpt perfectly.

You recognized the phony
And the walls built so carefully,
How can you see, feel,
The person that is me?

All these words flying toward me,
And the lies my chi tells me,
Hurts me more, destroys,
To the point I can no longer see.