Incredible,
Every moment I spend with you,
I feel that I am of worth.
Reminding me of the person I want to be
And the values that I hold to.
I have never met another like you,
You are precious and
Remind others of their goodness.

Thank you my wonderful friend.

What destroys me
In the dead of night,
Now,
In the middle of the crowd.
Disconnected,
Ignored,
Left.
Just...
Try not to look at me too much.
Fading into the background,
Emotionally
Exhausted.
Talk? No, not for a while.
Who would want to?
To talk to me?
No. I am invisible.

And it's killing me.

December,
I've already been broken before,
I didn't think you could break me more.
I will never let you see me cry.
January,
Crying will never stop,
Someone else stomped on the pieces,
I once was a vase,
Now a crushed piece of pottery.
Don't touch me, I'm sharp glass.
February,
How do you make me fall for you every second I see you?
I'm beginning to heal and mend,
And I will not push you away.

I am amazed and grateful for you, wonderful friend.

Waves Crashing
D
o
w
n.


Then sudden silence.

The ringing in your ears continue,
Deafening cymbals
As you start to drown.

Panic ensues,
Each breath a lake full of water,
An ocean.
Like the one you suffocate in.

Feeling weak,
On the verge of giving up the struggle,
Your heavy limbs pulling you down.


One
Gulp of air.
A pause.
You continue the fight.

Why?
As my world falls apart,
Why does my skin crave to be
Torn apart?
Avoidance is how,
Noises I deal with,
Busy it.
Bizit,
Bull sh*.
But I don't swear.
Where is this all coming from??
I feel lost in darkness,
Blinded by a bright light,
Alone in a crowd,
Crowded in my own mind.
When will the ants crawling all over my skin leave?
I. Feel. Less. Than. Human.

Does satan love the dark
Because he can hide from himself?

Simplify, simplify, simplify,
Isn't that what the great poet told us?
To simplify our words, our loves, our meaning, our life.
Why?
Why not learn the superfluous meanings,
The constant contradiction of life?
Why add a little brown line below our words,
When we know exactly what we mean,
Our purposefully added words clarify the meaning.
Why not be the extra exclamation mark in “I can do this!!! I am made of tougher stuff!!!”
When the whole entire world is already against us,
Stop trying to change us.

She feels empty...
Not being able to talk about it,
For she doesn't want to hurt anyone,
To see their expressions,
Their eyes,
Change.
Left alone to wonder,
But trying hard not to think of
The terrible things she could do to herself.
She tries to live, to smile,
Holding on,
Tired.

Now I
                     Know
                           That you meant
                      Every word
         You said.
               Why did it
          Take me
  So long to
                    Realize I
                                              Love you too?

Beautiful is something more than I can hold.
Could I hope to hold it?
This responsibility weighing heavy...
Trying to be something more than I am,
The perfected version of me.
Perfect? Not me, you...
I'm basking in something beautiful,
Drinking in the light that surrounds you.
Could I ever hope to come close to you?

Or will I stay in the shadows?

Almost.
Almost more than a friend.
Almost more than the moon.
Almost more than the girl sitting next to me.
Almost enough for you.

Almost felt a smile when I saw you.
Almost told you what I thought.
Almost felt tears when you walked away.
Almost.

I think I love you too much,
Or I almost do.

About how
Your lies hurt more deeply
Than
The truth they hide.

What is wrong with me?
I love you
Just as much as I hate myself.

Maybe--
I know I shouldn't love you anymore.
But I need someone to live for.

Still.
Have you ever wished on me?

Peace,
A breeze in the air,
Rain pattering down from the sky,
Painting the sidewalks a sleek grey,
Beauty in the drizzle.

Colors
Dripping down, down
Mixing with the greys and greens
In your eyes.
I can see the universe…
Uni, one.
What I mean is that
You and I
Together, one,
Would make the colors in my world brighter.

Happy,
Pure,
His little kisses are pockets of starlight in the night sky,
Or bubbles of air pointing to where the surface of the ocean is.
He is a sparkling gem,
Worth more than he knows and
Stronger than a diamond.
Long talks and kisses are
A cool gust of wind on a blistering day.

Where will this take me?
I’m terrified to let him in,
Let him see the part of me that I hate.
But I am a waterfall,
Letting my trust fall into his loyal hands,
Dropping my secrets like rain.

Am I worth the pain and cold that I tend to inflict?
He makes me believe that I am.

Where is the backspace key in my life?

I have forced my words
Too much.
Now they seem to turn against
Me. It can never be
The same again.

Seconds
To decide life,
Not even recognizing it is an option.
Choosing a certain way
Isn't even a choice.
Conscious minds aren't aware of the
Struggle,
A game show where only one will win.

Make the choice before it happens.

Hold me closer
My Darling Dearest
Every night
As I try not to fall apart,
But it was never your fault that
I feel sad.

The love I have for you is deeper than you can imagine.

There was a price for friendship...

                ...In this case it was two dollars.

I would have walked home
If only I knew
How much you hate to turn around...

They only want to understand
What life would be like
If It didn't exist.

Only to ignore if you are near.

Only to pretend to be nice
When they are only waiting for the time you
Turn around,
So they can take their poisoned knife
And slide it into your heart
From behind.

Tell the others,
Why is it that
When all is said and done,
That you will be the one that's gone.

I hope you know,
You are wonderful.
Watch me smile as I
Melt in your deep chocolate eyes.
Your fingers trace my lips softly,
Can you feel the smile cross my lips
As my cheek is pressed against yours?
Another mental picture taken
While in eachother’s arms.
I miss holding you so closely.

I want to give this up,
My pain,
My sins,
My hopes, dreams,
Habits, wishes,
Myself.

Just get rid of it.

But I would rather give up this desire of
Destroying the person I have become.

The one who smiles,
Is funny,
And doesn't only think of herself,
Striving for harmony and balance.


Even though life gives terrible jolts.

To hate
Is to let part of your soul

*Die.

Would you have me
Quit and break
All the promises that
I made myself?
The promises that make me feel
Proud (for once)
Of myself?

I can tell by your shoves, that either
You want me to,
Or maybe you don't realize
What damage it will do.

Is it really love?
Is it really love if you don't realize
What damage could be done?

But you would... and you have...
Only because
You would have me...

Don’t try to pretend that you were in my place...
The circumstances... yours weren’t mine...
being emotionally abused by the only one i felt like i could trust
who made me think he trusted me.
being sexually assaulted and then living with that FEAR.
Constant.
Pressssssssing.
learning that my temptation to cut is a need for adrenaline,
Not a need to cut the pain away.
what does cut to the core is
After I learned all of this about myself,
You let me know
“you hurt me and everyone around you”
“your tendency to lash out prevents trust”
THIS is different than depression
Even if the symptoms are similar.
I needed to trust someone who was safe then,
But no one was emotionally available for me.
Not even you.
When you sat typing on the computer and calling me annoying.
i was crying out for help.

please don’t pretend now.

I still find it hard to speak.

Tongue is twisted,
Guts knot,
Heart aches.

How can I describe.
How would one understand,
The feeling of disintegration,
A dissipation of numbness.

Why would one want to understand?
Why you?
How can I describe...