i have been hiding away
i have escaped to London
i have ran away again

where no one knows my name
where no one knows who i am
where no one knows what has happened to me

for the first time in my life i feel content
for the first time in my life i feel safe
for the first time in my life i am not afraid to feel

a city that has filled my cracks with love
a city that has filled my belly with laughter
a city that has filled my body with compassion

thank you for saving me London

at 26 years of age
i am just now
discovering who i am

i spent 19 years of my life
hidden in the darkest
parts of my own mind

numb to everything
numb to everyone

at 26 years of life
i can sit at the table
not wanting to starve myself
for weeks on end

at 26 years of life
i finally like who is looking
back at me in the mirror

i can finally s m i l e

nine months ago
you broke my heart
shattered it into pieces

the can't eat
the can't sleep
the can't think

the gut wrenching
stomach churning
kind of broken heart

i had promised myself
after a week
of the nausea
that i would never
feel this way again

i would laugh again
i would be confident again
i would get my eating disorder in control again
i would learn who i am again
without you mixed into my personality

but most importantly
i would enjoy my life again

thank you
for breaking my heart
nine months ago

i finally like who i am because of this

i will never
forget looking out
that second story window

hearing the
pool filter
in the background
mixed with heavy breathing

the cheetah print
sheets that cut
my skin open

the smell of marlboro golds
and sweat
with a hint of hopeful regret
filled that entire bedroom
that summer day

but most of all

it was that feeling
that i would rather risk
breaking both legs
jumping from the window

than deal with this pain

ever

            a g a i n

i will never forget that day
walking away from one another
on the corner of the street

struggling to catch my breath
struggling to even breathe
struggling to catch my words

i begged you
for months
and months
days upon days

to get your **** together
to give up drinking
to give up all the women
to give up all the rumors
to give up this small city
to give up this lifestyle

but
you could not
you chose not

you hurt me so bad
i started to write again
because it was the only thing
you left me with

after you ripped my heart
straight out of my chest
i swore that day
that i would
never
ever
care about someone
the way i did for you

i promised myself
i would never
trust a man
the way i did for you

but then he came
into my life
so unexpected
so gracefully
so delicately

now here i am
almost a year later
trying to fight that
promise i made to myself

a g a i n

i am sitting here
on my living room floor
crying
begging
praying
to have a chance
with you again

I am not so sure
I ever believed in a God
up until now

please
give me a chance
I beg you
please