how the ****
am i suppose to describe
the hands around my neck
and the anger in bones

how the ****
am i suppose to communicate
and express all the words
i’ve dreamed of saying

but can’t

because there’s a rock
of stone stuck
in between my esophagus
a rock of stone
that has seeped into my heart
and turned it solid

unable to yell
unable to scream
unable to cry
unable to breathe

i was 7 years old
when my world
came crashing down

what was once
a life filled
with color
with light
with happiness
with love

turned
dark
cold
sharp
dull

i have been fighting
the last 19 years
to fight back
to get her back
to feel again

i was just a child
when everything
was taken from me
without my consent

i will make her proud
i will be okay again
i will love again
i will be gentle again

i was just a
                     c h i l d

i thought I could
sink myself
in fake emotion
that it would
drown everything out

i thought maybe
enough fake words
to the world
would make me
forget all the numbness
life has offered me

i never realized
til now
at 25

i am drowning

within silence
within myself
within the pain of my past

i am d r o w n i n g

my whole life
i have never
spent more
than 3 months
within one place
or staying
with one person

always running from
emotions
always running from
comfort

then you
oh you

you came into
my life
like a freight train
loud and conducted

you came into
my heart
like an atomic bomb
loud and destructive

not the bad kind though
not the bad kind of destructive
not the bad kind of second guessing

the kind where
you call me out
for questioning
the rhythm of people’s voices

the kind where
You make me laugh
the hardest when all I feel
like is crying

the kind where
in a room filled with people
you are the only single soul
i look for

maybe i
am slow
with words

maybe i
cannot comprehend
what people say

i say what i feel
for the first time
in over 19 years

but that does not
matter to you

because no matter
what
i cannot
do anything
right

i am too
emotionally
hurt

       for y o u

we fight
day after day
night after night

poison spilling
from our fingertips
poison spilling
from our mouths

when will
i finally be
enough for you

will it ever happen
in this lifetime

or are we
just fantasizing
about something
that will never
happen