i. in my dream, you ask me to connect your freckles with my 19 coloured pens. i create the constellations reflected in your eyes. you kiss me. i wake up.

ii. you ask me to play the bars of the same song that made us both cry and shiver on different continents before we knew each other. i leave the airport the happiest and the saddest i've ever been. happysad.

iii. you sing at 3 am at the back of the bus. i sit at the end of the same row. my head hurts from banging against the window while i try to look at the moon, instead of you.

iv. we sit on the tram and pretend to fix all your problems.

v. i sit up at 2 am and cry at my mistakes. i wonder if i make you the happysad you make me.

i  envy your pillow
it lets you
rest your head on it
while i can't

i envy your cup,
it kisses your lips
tasting yours,
while i just stare at it,

i envy your blanket
it covers your skin
it touches every bit of you
while i can't

i envy your clothes
it touches your skin
every corner of it
every flaw
while i'm sitting here
typing this

My sick, twisted mind
Is starting to unravel
And I'm left with the fraying threads
Of my existence.

I am afraid that everyday I am becoming increasingly better at impersonating myself
the ticks of another hum in my bones
and I am standing on a balcony
watching myself walk by
I hear my laugh coming from other peoples mouths
and I see my sad eyes
when I look into the faces of the crowd
I am afraid that everyone around me will know me too well
or not well enough
the wind will blow my hair on this balcony just as it has
to the people below
I have no idea what I'm doing
neither do they
I wonder if they see themselves in me
I mean whoever I am
we all use each other
to build ourselves
recycling feelings
expressions
combinations of words
until we find something that we can live with

I am afraid that I will find myself if I jump off this balcony
I am afraid that I will lose myself if I jump off this balcony

I am not sure which is worse

I am afraid.

are you going to let him destroy you?
use you?
he has manipulated you
he is the poison you've been drinking
its time for rehab

i wonder if i could slip through one of the cuts on my arm
through that long, narrow red slit
inbetween its folds
and be somewhere else
where pain flows fast and sure
but away