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I thought it would hurt less
the next time around
for each time
the pain makes you numb—
but why is it that this time
the hurt is magnified?
the accumulation of all the heartaches
you've ever felt
ever since the first—
it caught me off guard
shall this pain pass?
your command is not my wish, Ilion

”give us your entrails of the hidden innocent truths of oft too quiet souls, a soul bearing the realities of who mankind is at its root”   Ilion Gray

it slaps me as a usual unusual,
an unexpected realization thanks to your in-sight,
that all our wordplay is just gardening for life’s lost collections;
out of order, badly memorized memory markers;

one must snout-root around in the backyard for the
entrails and the bones of generations of pets that are
hollowed out hallows,
kept in a sanctified corner crypt rarely visited

a lost treasure of honorable burials with pomp and circumstance,
many Star War figures play-interred by a boy who’s now a grownup, with two children but doesn’t come to visit cause he has man-size responsibilities and his California backyard is so very far
from the ‘park’ of his youth

strange that we hide the innocent truths
that are neither shameless and seamless,
but yet, nonetheless
warrant safekeeping in nearby dirt treasury chests,
lest,  just in case, to see the future,
we need retrieve
brilliant bright flashbacks kept below deck,
just nearby, just in case,
the ball bearings of the soul requiring viscous lubricating

souls grow quieter with age, even as the
grunting of bent-over digging up what is down down,
grows daily more noisy,
as deeper depths require the work of
pluming  and plumbing,
as time adds inches of soil, just as a tree adds an annual ring

you smile outwardly at what you inwardly auto-wince,
as you think twice about
what truths you may uncover, for better or for worse,
too many,
best left soiled encumbered,
for great is the risk of soiling oneself
when uncovering the
recovery of the best buried

but what was your wish dear Ilion,
transmigrates, and is now a command center  of
self awareness, realities, are scars,
some worn proudly and others with unbearable shame,
uncomfortably uncovered in roots of nightmares
watering in the
subterranean subconscious

the dreams we do not wish for,
come and command nonetheless from the way way back of the
chambers of the backyard brain, a reminder that
quiet souls should avoid the trails possibly leading to
grand entrances of entrails,
sadly admitting full well,
one cannot hide from risible, mocking, loathsome,
guilty truths to the surface rising

when I give you of myself,
exposing old roots hastens their endings,
exposed, they cannot be replanted,
not in earth, not in concrete, not in brain cells,
is that old friend,
what you truly wish?
March 12, 2019 8:52am

those of you who react and comment so eloquently and insightfully to my poems, too often seed the next one and the next one! who can claim no inspiration when the commune nourishes me continuously...
Collections of my disorderly thoughts
gathered together with knots
of my ample desire
to make sense of my everyday life.
I write poetry, however bad they might be, to help me analyze my feelings.
my eyes
heavy
thoughts
foggy
and the world's
best selling drug
to prop me up
to induce
lucidity
you’d think i’m hungover, but i’m just enslaved to caffeine
against anxiety, self-doubt, self-hate
      no grandiosity, no debate
  no emotional expression to elevate ...


just small steps, daily life, the little way
  forget the fools who want to be Great

                     this too shall pass


               may we then meet ‘neath
                      the Open Gate
 Mar 2019 Robert van Lingen
kell
Our generation will be known for nothing.
Never will anybody say,
We were the peak of mankind.
That is wrong, the truth is
Our generation was a failure.
Thinking that
We actually succeeded
Is a waste. And we know
Living only for money and power
Is the way to go.
Being loving, respectful, and kind
Is a dumb thing to do.
Forgetting about that time,
Will not be easy, but we will try.
Changing our world for the better
Is something we never did.
Giving up
Was how we handled our problems.
Working hard
Was a joke.
We knew that
People thought we couldn’t come back
That might be true,
Unless we turn things around
(now read from bottom up)
love generation hurt 54
 Feb 2019 Robert van Lingen
Jay
suddenly
everything changed.

we do not play
by the same premise
anymore

you have the power
to start us up
finish us off

i'm meant to follow.
feel.

you categorize me
squeeze me in
reduce me
to this.

give me two options
to be
both equality wrong
because they are not me

and i hate you
forcefully
for this

we do not play
by the same premise
you and i

you are the man
i am the woman

now
we are reduced
to this.
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