I need more alcohol,
To numb my pain.
Not to party all night,
Just to alleviate my brain.

The first shot I choke down,
The second I shudder once,
The third I welcome,
The fourth has no burning response.

“Why is the tequila slowly disappearing?”
My dad inquires one night,
I shrug and convince him I’m innocent,
He agrees I am without a fight.

Night after night to slow my thoughts.
Shot after shot to **** the loneliness.
Gulp after gulp straight from the bottle.
Morning after morning I awake amidst the fogginess.

I guess this is what addiction is.
I guess I should care about the dependence.
But all I care about is escaping,
The pain i am cruelly sentenced.

Does routine ever stop?
Does monotony ever end?
Will it always be a cycle?
Waiting for each weekend?
Will I ever get up,
And not wait to go back to bed?
What does it mean to have purpose?
And not wish to be dead.
What’s the ultimate goal?
Why should I keep persevering?
What’s waiting at the end?
What is the meaning?
What story do I believe?
Why can’t I be like everyone?
And not doubt what I was taught?
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel this done.
So in the end I’m the villain.
The one to blame for my hurt.
If I would stop beings so twisted,
Would stop feeling like dirt.
Why can’t I be grateful?
Just be happy,
And not **** in my head.
JUST STOP FEELING ******.

Who's the psychopath,
Laughing his own cruel jokes?
It's all a crude game,
People's pain.
Oh, she looks OK,
Finally feeling some joy, Let me take that away,
Laugh when she's no more feeling OK.
She wonders what she did to deserve this.
Being the victim of you.
Now she's convinced she bought this on herself.
But little girl, you're innocent.
He feels he must hurt you.
Take the ground beneath your feet,
As soon as you start to heal, Shoots a detrimental thought,
That cuts.
She thinks she's his only,
We all think we're his favorite.
Just stay away from all of us.

I know I’m just your little sis
What do I actually know
But lemme try and just tell you this

I know I’m not in your world exactly
Don’t know the difficult place you’re in
But I know the pain sadly

I’m your sister at the end of the day
You and I are the most alike
We got similar struggles in a way

I know how to read people just like you
Hear what they really think about me
I got that same curse too

Disappointed of the journey we create
Why can’t we be the golden child
But failure must be our fate

I see when you want to be left alone
I see when you’re in a dark cloud
The heavy weight on your backbone

I know how it feels to be lost
Inside your head and heart
Wondering what it’s gonna cost

I also got an addictive personality
Anything to relieve the pain
Anything to escape my reality

I really don’t think struggling is bad
You and I are ahead the game
Even though we didn’t ask to be mad

I pushed off opening up for years
Refused to acknowledge my pain
Scared as hell to face my fears

I know it seems everyone is watching
With a cynical and judgmental eye
Waiting for the chance to start preaching

But sometimes as I see the judgment
Reflected in their eyes
I realize maybe I need adjustment

Maybe I am so harsh on myself
The quickest to assume their mad
Assuming the hatred is from himself

Sometimes from deep within me I see
I hate what I’m doing to everyone
Maybe I refuse to except me

We are all just left to wander alone
A strange unwanted path
A journey we apparently chose

Please don’t think you’re a bad guy
You’re stronger then most
You’re my hero I won’t deny

So yeah I know I’m just your little sis
Love,
…

I know our relationship was wrong,
It never should have reached that point.
I thought I was smart,
But your love was some crazy hit.
I was so alone,
In such such mind numbing pain.
You were also mentally ******,
Didn’t realize our relationship was insane.
Why do I still miss you?
And think about you all the time.
When I know you shouldn’t have done this,
Knew from the start it was a crime.
Everyone calls you a sick creep,
And I really wish to believe this.
Because then it wouldn’t be so hard,
I wouldn’t be in painful abyss.
Still can’t believe I fell for it,
Allowed myself to be swept along.
You were there for a reason,
Made me believe I belong.
Made me smile through the tears,
When I was at my lowest.
You really did help,
Made me become my best.
I wouldn’t have fell for it and you,
Unless it was for a reason.
To keep me alive,
But I still have a question.
Why the hell did it have to be this way?
Why the **** did it have to be you?
Why couldn’t the person who saved me,
Be someone I can stay close to?

I had the pill bottle open,
I was ready to take the plunge.

Blood running down my thighs,
Dripping on the dark wooden floor.

Had written the note,
Saying why I give up.

Had panickly called the hotline,
Shockingly dialed the number.

Hung up when a kind woman answered,
Too scared to be talked out of it.

Spilled the pills in my palm,
The knife still cutting every inch available.

But I wasn’t brave,
Couldn’t do it.

Was a wimp,
So fell asleep.

Rode on the bus,
Wincing from the pain.

Smiled,
Faked.

I can’t find the note,
Did I throw it out.

Did I imagine the night,
Did it really happen.

No I have scars to prove it,
But they are fading.

And I’m fading again,
So will I do it again.

It’s a year later,
I’m braver now.

Clouds look so free
They are able to shape themselves
Have a vast canvas
To spread their art
But while they look though most free
They are prison to routine
When they finally look the best
They fall apart