I always hear how
I’m not alone
But when it’s 4 am
And my eyes burn
With tear-stained cheeks
And there’s nobody there
To hear my muffled cries
I think to myself  . . .
Where is he at,
what happened to not being alone?

Anger is a virus
A virus that once unleashed can’t be stopped
A virus that spreads
A virus that needs not even air to thrive
It thrives off of you
Draining you from your hope
It can’t be placed in quarantine
Even if you force it down beneath the surface
So you don’t have to hurt anyone
Especially someone you love
Even if it’s not their fault
So it  gets pushed down further, and further
until one day a trigger will be pushed
You try to become sad instead of angry
But one day you realize anger feeds upon itself
Sadness triggers it
You can’t escape
So you become distant from the ones you love
So you don’t hurt them
But you’re only postponing the inevitable

Some stuff has been happening to me and I don't know what to do anymore. The stress is more than I can bare; but am expected to. And I know this website is about poetry, but ya'll are like family so I need some advice. Here is a vague explanation on what's going on:
Well I almost got kidnapped for one. About a week ago and I've been scared to be by myself since then. My grandpa has stage 4 lung cancer; the thing is he's known he's had cancer for 10 months and refused to get treatment. He's dying! And I'm stuck 600 miles away form him, I can't help. I can only be here for my siblings. My mom is with him and has been gone for weeks and she doesn't know when she is coming back it won't be for a few months. I am left with cleaning the house 24/7, and while I'm there for everyone else whose there for me?

I spent my days waiting for you
searching
searching the crowds
for your face
I stopped breathing
the moment
you recognized me,
as you captured my soul
with your gaze

I didn’t fall in love with you
I walked into love with you
With my eyes wide open
Choosing to take
Every step along the way
But I also believe
We are fated
To do things
But we’d choose anyway
And I’d choose you;
In a hundred worlds
In any reality
I’d find you
And choose you.

You are my family.
Given the choice I would choose you,
and you alone.

I would go to the ends of the earths
just to find you.
Because if not for you:
what is my reason for existence?
For breathing?
For putting up with everything and everyone?

You are the reason,
and you are it alone.
You are my whole world,
my everything.
My love at first sight.

My buddy as Mrs. Kelley would say.
You are my partner in this,
ever since that first kiss.

That was my way of saying
you can have my shattered heart.
As long as you can put it back together.

I love you my Noah,
my teddy bear,
my love,
my everything.

As the wind blows
My hair flies in my face
This is where all I see
Is covered in a layer
But even though the layer of hair
Whipping around
And around my face
A war is going on
But peace is found
In the center of the war.
Though I may not be able to see
Through the hair that covers my ace
I still manage to see
You.
Nothing else but you.

Your mind
Whips around and around
Thoughts are catapulted into your mind
Everything is springing
Spring out of control
It’s a tornado
A storm crashing your thoughts
Until they are no more.

I haven't been able to write a lot . . .
or talk to the person I love.
Not because I don't want to
but because I literally couldn't!
Around December 19
I got in a major car accident.
I needed over 53 stitches,
I have bone bruising,
I've been in a lot of pain not gonna lie.
but when my life flashed before my eyes,
I saw my BFF Chris (yk the one who helped me a while back).
and I saw the person I love the most . . .
But my mom, is letting me have cosmetic surgery
to cover the scaring.
But none the less I did get to come home for the holidays
even if the reason was to see a doctor or two.
so it's like 3 am and I can't stop crying I'm in so much pain,
both physical and mental.
Thought I'd give an explanation, on why I haven't been able upload.
I have been writing, in a notebook someone gave me.

Some days
I feel everything at once
Other days
I feel nothing at all

I don’t know what worse
Drowning beneath the waves
Or dying from the thirst.

Just an average girl
always wore a smile;
she was happy and cheerful
for a short while;
now she's older
life is getting colder;
life's not what she thought
wish someone had told her.

she told you she was done
you let it slip by;
from then on
she kept it on the inside.

but she was telling white lies
can't you tell look in her dull eyes?

As I lay there on you shoulder,
listening to your heart beating.
I here it, slow and steady.
Like the sound of a distant war drum.

With every beat, my eyes are drifting to the melody.
Until I find myself in a dark abyss, drifting to sleep.
I open my eyes one last time to reassure myself I am with you.
And I pass out, without any warning.

Without a sound, or scream.
I pass out, in a sleep coma.
In your arms, I feel as if this is how it's suppose to be.

I don't sleep much at all if you haven't noticed.
So when I do get tired
I will find myself longing for the melody
the melody that only plays for me.

But when it's not there,
I won't sleep.
My body won't let me,
my body and mind;
needs you to be there.

To comfort and protect me,
to hold me when nightmares awaken me at night.
To let me know you are there.
So I will search for the heart beat song.
Not just anyone's, only yours.

Hope is the Sun rising on
a cold winter evening

hope is the i love you
after a rough day

hope is the unexpected smile
from the homeless guy

hope is the feeling you get,
when you see the soldiers coming home

hope is the hearts desire
that you long to fulfill

hope is a wish
you don't know you have yet.

A lonely girl,
With vacant stares,
Screaming in silence,
But no one cares;
Her pain goes unnoticed,
No one can tell,
She smiles like an Angel,
But is living through hell;
Her eyes brim with madness,
She cuts her own skin,
Her sad little smile,
Fades and grows thin;
Scars on her body
Scars on her soul
This hateful world
Has taken its toll

I’m running,
Trying to find a solution
Trying to leave
Trying to fight back
Until I’m knocked out.

I’m crying,
Trying to let it all out
But it keeps coming
It’s infinite.
The tears are never going to go away.

I’m looking,
Looking for a way out
Trying to warn him
Trying to find him
I’ve looked too long
I’m now blind with pain.

I’m screaming,
I’m screaming for him
I am screaming for him to hold me
Screaming for him to understand
Now I’m screaming
Yet no sound is coming out.

I’m listening,
Listening for the warning
But it never came,
Listening for his voice
But all I heard was silence,
Listening for the melody of his heart
But it seems to be broken because of me,
I’m listening for a reason to stay
But I never hear it
I’m now deaf,
Only able to hear my cries and screams
That no one can.

I’m talking,
Only to hear a voice that is not mine
asking for help
But just like my screams and cries,
No one hears
I’m now out of words,
I’m talking to distract myself
I distract myself from the pain,
But each distraction is like a candle
It last for a while,
but it always runs out.

I’m searching,
For a reason to stay
Searching for him
Yet he is the one I can’t find,
Searching for a way to feel
Something other than pain again,
Searching for a way out,
Searching for a cure
So the demons will go away,
Searching for the answers
But they never show.

Searching
  Searching
    Searching
      Searching
Until I find the cure.

A small, thin metal blade
A single wave of the wand
And all the
Running,
    Looking,
           Screaming,
         Listening,
Waiting,
Searching,
Will all be over.

Just one swipe,
I want to show you;
Show you how I feel
But I feel like you’d
Leave
But I don’t think it’ll take much anymore,
Even your smile left.

Even though I try to rekindle
That small reminder I had a reason.
Gone.

I want to run, run away
Let my mothers words be true
I want to be selfish and run, run away.
So I will,
I don’t know where I’ll go
But I’ll go if it means he is safe.
Because I am the virus that is bugging him

I try to smile,
When I see you
Really I do!
But when you notice
me looking,
You look away, without
A smile on your face.
That smile is
A way of showing
Others your emotions.
But your face,
Is not showing
Evidence of a real
Smile.
This pounds at my heart
Like a crazed mother
Lock up, in a box.
Looking for her missing child.
She pounds on the fiberglass
Begging to be set free
If for nothing but her
Child.
But she doesn’t get set free
The box only gets tighter.
It’s as if it was a rubber band
Around your finger.
You feel the throbbing,
Your blood is howling
at you to set it free
But you don’t
not because you won’t
But because you can’t.
So your face remains emotionless
The face that has such an angelic appearance
That it resembles something unworldly.
Just like lucifer your lips, they
Pumulied into the darkness
But with that fall
Your smile fell too.
To nothing
It’s almost unrecognizable,
Because it’s not the
You I know and love

What is love?

love is when your at the end of your rope,
and he tie's more on a rope

love is what you get when
two shattered hearts make a whole

love is waiting
waiting for him

love is thinking of the worst thing he did,
and still smiling

love is a mothers kiss,
on a new born baby

so when you feel love
don't waste your time

love is what I feel,
when I think you you

What is love?

love is when you on the end of your rope,
and he gets more rope to tie it too.

love is the feeling you get when,
that special someone turns and looks at you.

love is thinking about the worst thing he's done
and still smiling and laughing.

love is the overwhelming since of joy,
that is unecspected and exspected all at once.

love is risking it all for the single,
reason you should hide.

love is the feeling I get when I,
see, hear, or think of you Teddy Bear.

When I saw you
I fell in love,
and you smiled
because you knew

I tried to find my reflection in the glass
But all I ever saw were the things I lack

all the smudges in the mirror
made me go insane

all I ever thought I was
was a mistake

you told me your biggest fear was losing me.
the thing about fears is you can easily get over them.

so you faced the fear
you said would **** you,
you faced it without hesitation.

and you left.
left me.

after you promise you never would.

There is pain within this heart
My pain within my sadness though my eyes
My eyes are like a burden as clear as crystals
The pain in my soul
The soul that is layered with shields
The shield are a new necessity
The only way to survive
But there’s still pain
Pain that will someday wither away my soul

His arms
are strong enough to hold every fear,
every broken piece of me.
This man doesn't just make me complete,
he completes me.

What if you don’t need a paper and pen
To write a poem
What if you are the poem
And I am your words.

Life,
Pain,
Betrayal,
Loss,
Grief,
Depression,
Hatred,
Are all related.
Happiness,
Joy,
Laughter,
Are just illusions
And a phrase.
Like a candle
It can only last so long
Until it is no more.
Then reality sinks back in.
You are worse
Worse than before the candle
Now you know
What it’s like
To have the smell
The smell you now long for
So you try to find another
Way to feel the way you did
But it never last
You are having to face the truth
But the thing about the truth
Is it always changing.

Each day as evening starts upon the sky
The ache builds up in the chest
I know that I have to get to bed.
Before all hell breaks loose.

I hugged my tear-stained teddy bear
When no ones around
And cries for the one she loves and had lost
I scream without a sound.
Hoping that I’ll be heard,
Hoping one day the pain will go away.
But it doesn’t, not until I do.

You know you're in love
when you can't sleep
not because of
sadness
  anger
    confusion
      or grief
but because reality is better than your dreams.

It hurts to breathe.
All I want is for all the pain to go away
But it's reluctant
and sticks with you as if there's a
glitch in the system,
and it's stuck hovering above you.

Or maybe it isn't a glitch maybe
it's just life's reminder
of the fact that you'll
never be happy

you'll never be okay
you'll be forever in pain

well that is until
there's no more
well that is except for peace.

I went to many people
who promised they could fix me
but it is because of them I am broken
They make me relize my fault
my failures

I pleaded with them to make the pain to go away
they tried, oh how they tried

But my der best friend,
you are the reason I made it this long
Thank you,

But I can't deal with the pain anymore
If you want something done right
you must do it yourself.

So I will
Goodbye

This isn't a poem, it's a thank you. Thank you all so much for, bein there for me. And inspiring me to know what I have. And thank you all for lifting me up with some of your comments. If anyone would love to talk to me, or anything don't be afraid to text me on discord. https://discord.gg/SBFp4m
Thank you for excepting me when others, wouldn't. I a glad to be in the Hello Poetry family with such talented and amazing people

I fell in love
With the cracked
And broken pieces of you
Known as faults
So when you showed me your good side
I fell more and more deeper
So I don’t know
If I would ever survive
The landing.

While I was trying to sleep last night
I realized something.
I am not worthy of his goodness.
I know he doesn’t know the darkest sides of me
the side I pushed down and hide
The monster within, my devil on the shoulder

Demons who are evil
has done more good than me
I am broken and damaged
My heart is broken in two
A better representative it's shattered

I do like you a lot in fact
I am falling in love with you
And I know I’m ugly, possessive, and stupid
I’m also selfish and rude.

I Know that I ruin everything I  touch
But I can’t help but touch him
The force, a gravitational pull
Pulling at my heart
And yet I know the outcome

I’ll end up chipping a piece of my heart
Only to have it fall into the dark and evil obsess
Known as my soul. And never be returned
As for where you searched my soul willingly
To find and embrace who I am
Broken and damaged.

I know that red tulips are
Representations of undying love. But what if
It’s not the love that dies but me?
Would he care? Or even be grazed by it?
Would it hurt him as much as it would hurt me?

As if he could stay for long
Once he sees the broken and shattered soul I bare he’ll run
And hide never to be found again.
So I don’t know what I’d be doing
Without him by my side would I be here
Would I choose to live on?

Would he want that
After I ruin his life, unwillingly
I never knew what it was like to do this but
I can’t say I’m surprised by it
He acts as if he cares for my well being.
But what if my well being isn’t well?
Would I choose to bother him about it?
Would I be that burden he has to carry

It hurts. All of it still hurts.
IDK how I can do this.
IDK how I'm going to be strong when every part of my world is crumbling.
I hate not knowing what to do,
I still feel as if someone seeped in through the cracks of my shields (the shields that guard my heart)
and tore some of it out. without warning or hesitation.
Then afterward most of it died when my best friend did.
Now, all that's left, is trying to feel something, anything.
other than pain.
The blood from the tare, bleed out through salty tears;
that roll down my face; even now.
My body shakes, looking for stability, for the other parts.
But they are gone, nowhere to be seen.

Your mind
Whips around and around
Thoughts are catapulted into your mind
Everything is springing
Spring out of control
It’s a tornado
A storm crashing your thoughts
Until they are no more.

I start this off staring on a blank page
open office document, bleeding cursor passing days
without a single word
some say I'm absurd
like I string along a string of words
choosing not to cast my net
but I spend so long questioning myself
like is this even right?
then does that mean I failed
will my melodies ever live up?
will my metaphor be profound enough?
the ceiling gets higher and higher
it harder, and harder to shatter
and when I fall, I fall worse than I ever did before
evaluating the circumstances you just won't understand it.

You can see it in my eyes
a child's sparking lights up in the night
causing a search for approval
suffocated by refusal
devouring my skull
but never feeling full

Oh dear I don't want to be a burden
can you please be a little more concerned
with the over acted mind of a believer
a toxic thought

I start this off a little confused
writer's block doesn't exist
it's not a word I'm supposed to use
because it's all in my mind
a parasite I'm supposed to fined
but sometimes well most times it's so hard to define
so I pour couple drinks getting drunk on gasoline
fire pulses through my vanes
I'm sick of waiting for the day that courage overtakes my brain.

The devil claws at me to **** him and let him go
But I can’t I love him too much to **** him,
A beautiful soul, that is so pure
and innocent with a purpose,
If only that purpose is me,
But, when he looks at me it feels as if
I’m being born again, only in his eyes
Why . . . Why can’t I stop Loving him

It’s as if he has a gravitational pull
Too powerful to escape, and it just keeps
Pulling me in till I just want to stop myself
it felt like I have been hit by a train
Rolling down tracks at racing speeds
Trying to find a propose

I want to stop caring for him
But every time I try to push away
I just get closer and again
I can’t help but feel lonely
When I’m not by him.

I know he is better off without me
But I’m selffish and  I loved him, but I’m
Scared I’ll drive him away forever. forever
I don’t know what to do

But keep to myself that I am in love with him
I will be there by his side as long as he needs
But for now, I will just hide in the bottom of my heart in order to survive

If I didn’t hide I wouldn’t be able to
Help myself from telling him everything,
And showing him how I feel,
This love is too powerful to understand

But if I were to die tonight
Would he cry, or at least remember me.
Would he carry on my memory?

And if he were to remember me why
Could it be he secretly loved me as well
No way . . .  wait, Nah, but maybe, eh
Doubt it

Waiting
a sign of true love
and patience.
except,
anyone can say
those three words
"I love you"
but not everyone
can wait
and prove it.

Why can others drop out of your life,
but you can't?

Why is it okay for others to hurt you,
but it's not okay to hurt yourself?

Why is it okay for others to stab you,
but you can't yourself?

Why is it okay for others to hate you,
but you can't hate yourself?

W
H
  Y
   ?
  Y
H
W

Why is it okay for others to make you sick with loss
when they know you won't be able to get better?