A Beautiful Mask

I remember when you changed... I remember because my gut was ting was wrong. I remember because our conversations changed, they got shorter & less often.. you became cruel and cold. You started to ignore me instead of listen. You left me alone in the dark & I couldn’t find my way out, I called out for you! I waited and waited for you, but you weren’t there. Then finally days later you came, only when you wanted my attention, when you wanted something from me, when it was ideal for you. You never told me why you left me in the dark. What I did to deserve it…..every time I thought I could see a little hint of light, it vanished. I felt sick, my body was cold. I couldn’t breathe. Then you came back…I was happy. I let you come back because I was in love, you were my everything. I tried and tried but it was never enough. You broke me, you took everything in me and ripped it out. You spit on my soul and on my heart... I believed all ya bs, your half truths, your fake love. I believed I deserved an angel, I thought I had a beautiful angel.. But turns out I was dancing with the devil in a beautiful mask. But foolishly I didn’t care. I loved her, or maybe I loved the mask. No matter what I was going to love you despite a broken heart, losing my breath and feeling my self slowly fade away. I did love you. & you destroyed me…because you were selfish, you gave nothing but always wanted more more more. Whatever you could take from me you did, & stupidly I let you, because I loved you....
I’d wake up hoping one day you’d wake up and realize how much I did for you, for us. The efforts I made, the time I spent,
the smile I forced myself the have everyday. The tears I held back just to feel like I was okay. One day I laid there…..it was dark, my body shook….I lost my breath... I tried and tried to gasp for air, but I couldn’t. I woke up... & I had no more left in me. My eyes went dry. I missed you, I still miss you. But I don’t want you. I can’t be broken anymore…you took any chance of happiness I had. Because of you I won’t ever open up to another person again...no longer will I make my heart loving another feel like an unwanted task... never again will I fall in love with the devil in a beautiful mask....

Why lie?
Why waste my time??
I'll never understand
why you told me you loved me, when u obviously didn't...

A lot of times I feel Lost in the confusion of my mind
Looking for a way out
Held captive by my own fears and insecurities
Caught up in my emotions of love & lust, joy & pain....
A heart filled with rage that seems to grow with age..
Biting my tongue for others because of the fear of being alone
Compromising for everyone else but never getting anything in return
Wondering why life is such a pain, but loving everything about it?  
The ups and downs, the tears and smiles! Praying that someone can love me for me
Regretting all the things that I've done in my past to bring pain to others.... Lost with no way out..
Afraid to take off my mask because of the judgment that lies ahead
Lost in my own confusion..
Can someone help me? Or have I already drowned? I believe the pain is all over, if so, then why on my face is there this constant frown?

You Meet someone, you two become friends, then you begin to grow close to each other.. & for awhile things are great, & then someone stops trying, you talk less, conversations grow awkward, and then there's that infamous drifting...Now No communication whatsoever, then memories begin to fade. Then that person that you KNOW soon becomes the person that you KNEW. That's how it always goes...Sad..isn't it...?

if i could I would change the world to be a better place
not this troubled one that we have to face
there would be no worries, no selfishness, or greed
& a hungry mouth i would gladly feed
soldiers wouldnt die fighting in a war
i would change it all & we'd live in peace once more
I'd change it all around and make it a place fit to live
if i could change the world, this is wat i would freely give...

When words are said, sometimes I wish I hadn’t said anything at all. when I remain silent I feel like the words could have meant something. Stuck in between saying something or keeping it all in. I’m confused with myself. I need to get my emotions together, to the point where I don’t breakdown at the simple thought of having to do it without you. I don’t even know what makes sense anymore. I don’t know what has me stuck, trying to figure out what is it about you that has me going back and forth or trying to figure out how it felt to not love you. How to cope with a Lost Love..But I know When we have each other, we have everything, & Nothing in this world has ever felt more real to me then that statement. I could look at you and you know that I want to say something but just won’t. You know me better then I kno myself, I'm jus looking for the reason why everything changed and why all of a sudden everything that once mattered just doesn’t anymore. I tend to only write when I am falling in love, or when I'm falling apart.....
and I am already in love with you...

Love
Such a beautiful word.
But it can also be
Destructive,
Deceitful,
Uncontrollable,
Unpredictable,
And scary...
So simple yet, so complex...
I speak bout love so much
So recently I was asked what love means to me...

So Love, to me, means:

Never feeling alone. When you are with them, or when you are apart...

You want to know everything and anything about them. You want to hear their stories and their deepest darkest secrets, and keep them for only you and them to share...

Nothing that pops into your head is not heard by them. They understand. They know you And even if they don't completely understand, it's okay. You know that everything is safe with them. You can confide in them..

To you, they feel like home, your safe place, and an adventure all in one.

You never want them to feel alone or scared, or sad. You wish they could always feel loved..

You want them to always be happy. Whether they're with you, or even with someone else..
Always putting God before each other..
To see them smile.
To watch them feel whole...

That is what love means to me....

It's like for a brief moment i escape from the pains of This life.. In that moment I feel no pain or strife...

I dont even know where I go, or if I go at all, all I kno is sometimes to get there I must fall..

Some say to make it to paradise you must come up with the ultimate sacrifice.. But wat is it? And how do I caress it?

When I go to this strange place I begin to see, maybe exactly wat paradise means to me...

But after the brief moment is up, and I then wake up, the perfect picture of paradise I can no longer paint.. That strange place I only see when I Faint..

They say time heals all, but will it heal my broken heart?
I gave you everything you needed, I cherished you, you never felt mistreated they say time heals all, I guess I’ll wait for it to start
I was stuck on Cupid and Cupid you made me stupid, how could you do this me I’m bout to lose it, you cheated me after I treated you like a queen I’m about to blow up everything
They say that every man is a dog & a cheater, but each and every man ain’t me.
Cause I know I was faithful to you, genuine & true, I guess I learned my lesson, women break hearts too......

You come to me with your heart
In your outstretched hands.
I don’t know you
Nor do you know me.
How can you trust someone
With such a precious part of you
So fast.
Don’t you know how important it is
To guard your heart?
What makes you think
  That I will not take it from you
And break it right in two?
Do you honestly think
You can just look into my eyes
And trust me
How many times
Do we have to be hurt
Before we stop trusting like this  
Will we ever learn.
I think that some of us
Never will

How do you tell ya heart she's gone forever n not coming back? How does one pull off a smile when tears are always first to react? How do I keep you out my dreams if you're there every night? How do u jus let go of wat you always held so tight? How do you jus become friends with someone you were once in love with? How do u accept that you're now 2nd to who u put 1st? What happens to the future that was planned? What happens if her heart starts to love another? All the promises that were made, is there still hope? If not, how do u expect me to cope? Will the broken promises & hearts ever not be apart? What happened to the person that you were, why didn't I notice the changes start to occur?
When you've lost all u ever wanted, how can u ever smile again when your heart is now Haunted....