I was scared once
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
What I was before all this pain
Before the world threw everything at me
Every conceivable suffering
And the rubble filled the air
The shrieking filled my mind
And I couldn’t remember what was there
Before all this
And now that the dust has settled
I dragged my broken body
From the ruins of my mind
I took a cloth
Soaked in tears
And I wiped away the blood
And then I began to recognise myself
Under all this destruction
I was scared
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
Before I was suffering
But now it is clear
Now that I am free
I remember
I was happy

I sat in dark rooms
My knees towards my chest
Gripping my own hand
Just to feel something
Other than pain
The tears falling won’t stop
They sting my cheeks
So raw
But I feel nothing
How many days I spent praying
For anything
Dreaming of heroes
And imaginary people
I could make believe that someone
Anyone could help me
But no one did
I would cry
Until there was nothing left
But no one saw
No one came
So I listened to the dull thud
Coming deep within my heart
It never stops
Even when I begged it to
When the tears stopped falling
I would close my eyes
Breathe deep
Conceal my shattered parts
Because what else was I to do?

We sit around the table
With our puppet strings
Smiles pull at our lips
Like fish hooks through our skin
Bile builds in my throat
Tears swim in my eyes
But the smile won’t fade
It is not the puppeteers will
Liquid poured down my throat
And I welcome the burn
Hoping to feel something
Taste anything other than bitterness
Looking around at my loved ones
At their porcelain masks
Their puppet strings
And their moth eaten facade
My jaw aches from being tensed
From being clenched
To prevent me saying something
I know better than to deviate
From the twisted script that is set
I look across the table
At the other guests
The other prisoners
As their strings are pulled
What a dark play we perform
In our tea party called family

Think yourself to death
Take every word
Twist it
Change it
Until it haunts you
Every breath
Now has a meaning
That nobody intended
Punish yourself by overthinking
Every conversation
Every look
Nothing can remain happy for long
Because I am so good at this
Taking kind words
Turning them dark
I wish I could stop
But you can’t
I won’t let you
You won’t let yourself
Can’t you just be happy for once
Can’t you just let it go
Not everyone hates you
You can’t convince yourself of that
But I can
All words can be twisted in my mind
Turned into knots
Hangman’s knots
And tied around my neck
A noose of my own making
I think myself to death

I love you with all my heart
not the wild, raging, complicated love
That consumes and devours
The calm and peaceful love
That warms and empowers
You have never toyed with me
Never delighted in my pain
You will never allow me to cry for long
Before you make me smile again
I cannot help the little grin
That creeps onto my face
When I hear your childish laugh echo
Into my dark little hiding place
You protect me from my darkest thoughts
Fight them off with your childish light
And although they try to get at me
You will not give up the fight
Your smile is so infectious
It forces mine to show itself
You tell a joke at my expense
And I will laugh at that as well
It is not within your nature
To behave with simple care
I know that my tears are foreign to you
And your bright eyes are looking scared
But you try your best to care for me
And I know that this is hard
But you are doing oh so well at it
And you haven’t quit so far
You might think this is a love poem
And that is almost certainly true
But not the complicated, miserable kind
It’s only smiles I get from you

Daggers from ones you love
Are buried so much deeper
Their edges sharpened
Because they are not often brandished
Not like the blunt wooden spears
Of the permanently cruel
Not that they don’t hurt
But when someone you love
Takes their dagger from their belt
And holds it with a darkened smile
Never breaking eye contact
They won’t look away
They are no coward
They raise the blade above their head
For they need all of their power
And they aim it in a brutal place
In the most painful place
The place you held them in
They plunge their knife into your heart

I don’t want you
Can’t you see that
Can’t you leave me alone
Because when you aren’t here
I can ignore every part of me
That’s screaming I still want you
So just stay away now
Please
Why do you have to tempt me
With your devil smile
And your wicked tricks
Don’t draw me near
Just to push me away again
Because I don’t want to want you
Anymore
I hate you with every part of me
Everything that I am
Hates you
And what you did to me
And I wish you would keep away
So I wouldn’t have to hate myself
Wouldn’t have to hate every part of me
That longs for you
Still
Keep away wicked man
Keep away from my fragile heart