I'm broken and shattered.
You are broken and shattered.
My instincts want to make you whole.
Let me hold you.
Because in my arms we can be whole.
I feel you cry,
You shudder.
Let me hold you,
So we can be whole together.
Tears run down my cheeks.
My throat it knots.
The things I've seen,
The things I've felt.
Why must we be broken?

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to see you again.
I cannot get these thoughts out of my head.
The ****** ****** detoxing on my cot.
The guy that put a gun to my head.
My mother pushing me from the car.
I want the pain to stop.
I crawl inside that bottle of whiskey.
And follow it with a few to many sleeping pills.
I want my thoughts to stop racing.
I start to drift silently into sleep,
On that park bench.
It's one in the morning.
That light is so bright.
I hear my name,
My body shaking,
"Wake up, Amanda.
Amanda you need to wake up."
There's three officers standing over me.
Flashing their lights in my face.
I start to come around.
"We need you to walk over to the squad."
I can barely stand.
My speech is slurred.
"What did you take?"
I try to tell them.
Beg and plead to just let me sleep.
They call the paramedics.
As they try to keep me awake.
Please let me sleep.
I want to say I'm sorry.
We may not wear the same uniform,
But we definitely fight on the same team.
I don't want to die.
I just want the pain to end.

Oh no!
Here she comes again.
Mom please!
I don't want to fight.
Please stop yelling.
I didn't take your food.
I swear.

I'm not listening to this.
I walk away.
Mom!
What are you doing?
Why did you put my head through the wall.

I punch, I kick.
I fight back.
Why are you choking me?
I bite her arm.

My aunt calls the police.
Four officers break up the fight.
Why am i being cuffed.
Why isnt she going too?
I didn't do anything wrong.

The detective questions me.
I spend three days in county jail.
The district attorney finally drops the charges.
Now I have to go back to her.

Please Lord let me live.
I promise to do good.
I'll change I promise.
Please don't let me die.

You tried to pull a gun on me.
I just pulled mine faster
But what you don't know is
Three days later
I put my gun to my head.
I couldn't live with the fact
That I almost pulled the trigger on you
That I was ready to stop your threat.
What you don't know is one month later
I still had nightmares
That I overdosed on pills
Hoping to never wake up.
Six months later
I still see your face
I still think of the what ifs
One year later
I still wake up screaming
Fighting your invisible threat.
One year and six months later
You voice still haunts me.
You were eager to **** be because I wore a badge and gun.

My coworkers ***** me.
Two against me.
What you two didnt see
The detectives interrogated me.
Told me I asked for it
I should have fought back
One day later the detective picks me up
I tried over dosing minutes before they came
They noticed the cuts but didn't notice
That I was falling fast
I couldn't keep my eyes open.
My speech was slurring
I walked like i was drunk
I made it through the **** kit
I got home and slept for three days straight
One month later i quit my job.
My body couldn't handle the stress
I kept dissociating.
Six months later
I still couldn't have ***.
I started learning jujitsu
I had bought a gun
One year later
I was more confident
But i still feared ***
I feared men
I still had nightmares
Two years later
I'm still managing to struggle
I still hear your voices
Still see your faces
Still feel you in my dreams
Two years and six months later
I'm more confident.
I still have difficulty with men.
But now I am well on my way to be a police officer
An EMT
I can't let you win!
Ever!

Once many years ago
I was the troubled teen
I fought abusive family
I fought police
I hated life
I just want to die
I had no plans for my future

I spent time in jail
I was on probation
My mental status was iffy
I never took my meds
I smoked ***

I'm not afraid to admit
I was ****** up
I drank to excess.
I tried to die
I'd cut my skin
Just to feel again

Then one day i got a job
I enjoyed caring for the elderly
I helped her with housework
Took her shopping and the likes
I found a guy that loved everything about me
Including the crazy.

I started my meds
Got better with time
Got licensed to carry
Became a security officer

I started liking LEOs
I wanted to be one.
I wanted to change the world.
I still plan to change the world.

I'm in school
Training to be an EMT
Going to the gym
Getting in shape
to get into the police academy.

I will change my world!

The nights grow long
The air grows cold
My mood is changing
I'm so very tired

My homework suffers
As I spend every minute I can asleep
I lose interest
I stop using my healthy coping skills

The blade it calls me
Thank god long sleeves are the norm now
I watch the blood drip
I feel the pain

I know now I'm not numb
I want to die
But courage I lack
Or is it fear that keeps me here

So instead I clean my gun
Oil my handcuffs
Polish my boots
Cause evil never sleeps

I take my pills
They kinda help
I've stopped eating
There's to much stress.

When will summer come again
I miss the happiness
I miss the manic
Will I ever find peace

I see you,
As I walk my beat.
The soul who's life as been so rough
You've turned to drugs to cope.
I see you over dosing on the corner.
I call for help as you become a pulseless, nonbreather,
I start hands only CPR.
As they dispatch help.
Please don't give up.
There's so much more to life.
I give it my all as I hear the sirens blare in the night.
But help comes to late.
I stand in shock.
I give my statement.
I finish my shift and go home to cry.

I see you,
The guy trying to **** me because I wear a badge and a gun.
Please don't make me shoot you.
I just want to go home at night.
Shoots fired, shoots fired.
He's down, I gave him five warnings,
“show me your hands.”
I didn't want to.
Really I didn't.

I see you,
The guys that ***** me.
I see you
You forced my hand.
I can't walk the streets unarmed.
You messed with my head,
And got away with it.

The nightmares come.
I see them.
I want them to stop.
I'm so numb now.
I cut myself to feel again.
I see the scars.
I cover them.
Others cannot know I'm weak.
They look up to me.

The horrors I see.
Will they ever stop?