~ The Letter Writer

The following is a series of letters written for complete strangers. These letters were written, put in envelopes, and then sent off for people to find. I’m not trying to change lives, but I thought it could at least help out the people who need it most. And who am I to stop people from remembering what’s important? Whether or not they find out who I am, that’s another story...

~Letter Writer

In all honesty, there are always going to be people you can't stand. Like the teachers you hate, or political leaders, or just stupid people. But I might as well stop myself from talking about it before getting carried away.

I don't always feel my voice is very subtle, I'm told I'm a very loud person. And that's only true when I want it to be.

I kind of just hate money... and politics, and people, and anything and everything that makes me live up to world standards.

I've got an anger problem, I dream about getting into fights and then I imagine winning and suddenly everybody thinks I'm dangerous.

I should probably tell my sister I love her, but if I'm being honest, I have to tell my other sister I hate her.

I don't know how smart I'm supposed to be, or if I should act like I don't care anymore. If I could shoot up a building, I think I would. Not because I want to.

But because I ---



...


*Nobody ever told me how to put an end to this...

Don't get me wrong, I like elevators as much as the next guy. But there's always been something about stairs that just interests me in a way elevators can't.

If you've ever watched me climb a flight of stairs, I usually skip every other step. Mainly to save time because I live life too fast, climbing stairs so I could slow life down somewhere else.

I have this one staircase where all my friends hang out, less than 10 steps with a door at the top. That door wasn't opened very often, we called it the -- "Suicide Door". Only to find that it was a room where there were tons of stacked boxes willed with paper. But we still hung out on that staircase anyway.

Lately, the conversations that take place on those stairs are less than amusing, we don't laugh about how stupid people are. Rather we rant about who we want to **** in this world, and who's mad at who for thier gender or religion, I don't feel safe there anymore.

I fear if I say anything that I'll be shut down because I don't like people's use of "free speech" when it's used to put people down. And yes, I know, I'm not innocent here. There are conversations I regret saying that I have left on that staircase.

We don't talk about those conversations because we know out opinions are still changing. I may not remember any of this when it's finally over.

We don't talk about conversations we had behind closed suicide doors. But we never talk about the ones we had on the staircase below it. Sometimes that door seems like it's locked forever, and we choose to believe that our staircase leads to nowhere.

I miss the way thing used to be, when conversations weren't poisonous to those who heard the even by accident.

It makes me want to take elevators with strangers. Sure, it would be awkward, but at least nobody would want to rant about people to a bunch of strangers.

I sat by the stairs again. All my friends were there. But the school bells ring and everybody leaves. Nobody bothers with a "see you later" of a "c'mon, we gotta go, you'll be late". They just leave.

I'll stay there for a minute, gather my things, and wonder where they all went.

And whether or not they'd come back.

After all, the stairs aren't all that important right?

And these stairs, out of all staircases, just lead to nowhere...

I don't care.

You see that's just it: I don't care.
And it doesn't really matter if I'm lying or not because I don't care.

I'm more numb to the fact that love is a subject I used to want to talk about. I don't really feel like writing about it either but here we are.

Although I'm not as big of a believer in love as I used to be, I'll probably still hate you if you say love is just an illusion. But to be honest, love still *****. But there's nothing  more that I'm willing to give everything I have for. Except for God, or myself. But this is what you get with me being selfish.

I was talking to an old classmate of my brother's and I tell her I would rather have a son than a daughter. And she says she would rather have alcohol than kids -- she's younger than me. And suddenly I don't feel great. Who knew it would take one sentence for me to feel shock and then... hate her. Or rather her judgement. Part of me refrains from wanting to **** her, but I've always been violent right?

Chances are, if I have a son I am more likely to raise him as more machine than man. He would earn the pride of the family by being more man than human. And that's probably my fault. But's it better than me having a daughter.

Because the only thing worse than having a child who isn't like me, is having a kid who is me. I would want more than anything to raise her to be her own person. But the chances of her becoming me by default are more than likely.

But I'm not a parent, not yet anyway. But here I am, surrounded by all my friends -- in relationships...

And love now seems more like an idea than a goal. They're all holding hands and spending time together. And you can see the way they look at each other. It almost makes me feel sick. Because it's obnoxious... but I want it.

I hate that I have to be the cynical ******* who nags on people for loving other people. I have never known this kind of live. It almost makes me want to be bi, or an atheist, or anything that isn't me.

They're holding each other again. I  catch myself staring and suddenly I don't feel very safe anymore.

Because love ******* *****.

So why do I want it?

I try to bring up the conversation up with a friend. She says, "What are you, 16? You're only 16."

She's the same exact age as me... and in a relationship. As much as I want to point out the hypocrisy, I don't.

Her girlfriend arrives 5 minutes later and I watch them drive off together. So I leave, get in my car, turn up the music and drive home...

alone.

Look, I never said I was that smart.
I say stupid stuff all the time.
It's not like I'm always awake.

I'm rewriting my life story.
Impossible?
Maybe.
But we all wish some parts of our lives were different.

I'm rewriting my DNA make my skin less red, my spine less curved, my mind less distracted, to make my body hurt less.

I'm rewriting my backstory, one where I didn't worry about much other than my life at home. I never told anybody how dangerous my life used to be...

Listen, I tend to write like I'm speaking in a conversation. Mostly because I wish I had somebody to talk to. And if I'm being honest, you'd be my first pick to talk to. Life never treated us the was we thought it would mostly because we're optimistic than realistic.

I tried talking to you at least 10 times today. And every single time I wish I didn't close up in my own embarrassment. I tried 10 times and didn't talk to you once. and if you ever hear this poem than maybe I finally did succeed in talking to you.

Sometimes, when I write poetry, I hope you're reading over my shoulder so I wouldn't have to say it out loud. I'm sorry that I blame everything on time, and how if I had another minute, I'd tell you "I love you". But I can't...

I'm sorry I make things awkward because I'm scared of telling you what I'm really thinking. I wish I knew how to write this without wishing you were gonna read it. Because maybe you never will.

Part of me will never be okay with that because you may go your whole like never know that somebody wrote pages about you that never made it to your eyes or ears.

I'm sorry that I'll never have enough courage to read this to you. I'll wish I did when you feel sad or unloved. Because something like this will remind you of why we never let anyone take control of our lives because we are Gods right?

Or at least you were.

And I know infinity can't hold up to your brilliance so please don't cry when you the world's grip on your shoulders. You're already stronger that you thought you were.

Part of us will always suffer in the moments we never said what really mattered. But it seems like time is already passing us by.

I know you've already forgotten the lyrics to the first song I ever sent you. And soon my name will fall on that list as well.

Just take a pack of cigarettes to the rooftops like you always said you would.

It's okay if you don't remember why you're up there.
I guess this is where most conversations end.

See you soon.

Or rather...

See us.