It's two or three in the morning and I'm sound asleep
Next thing I know, I'm being woken up,
No longer peaceful, or dreaming of cows and sheep
Woken up with his arm around my neck, squeezing my throat
It's two or three in the morning and I just want to sleep
I never did anything to this person, he was just a mean creep
Meanwhile, I'm being choked for refusing to get up
To make him a sandwich. Of all sandwiches, a PB&J
My first reaction to this encounter was to scream or shout
But I couldn't, I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe
That's when I knew this wasn't a man who loved me
This was a boy who had problems being told no, accordingly
I took my free arm, and I used all the strength I had left
And I slapped him in his face, hard as I could just to break free
Then it escalated and I was thrown out of the room, violently
His whole family was there, as it was a farmhouse
From the recent incident, I had new found holes in my night blouse
But when it all came to the light, I was somehow at fault
I'm the one who got choked, and treated like dirt
But everyone took his side, and that simply.. Hurt
His whole family came at me, and attacked me verbally
When I told my side of the story, they just looked at me like I was crazy
There was no way he could "hurt someone, especially a woman physically"
I knew then and there, that I was on my own
I stayed. I don't know why. But I stayed.
Things kept happening, but the final straw
was when we went out of town
We went to PA to pick up his cousin,
what a mistake that was for me,
As I was too blind to come to terms with what was already known
He was cheating on me with this girl.
Treating her like gold, like she was the only woman in the world
I couldn't believe my eyes, or my ears when it all came to light
I stood there like a fool, trying to preach my case, trying to fight
For a boy who pretended to be a caring man
Only to find out, he was playing family with his own cousins hand
After a year and a half, I decided to leave
Because it wasn't worth suffocating, when I needed to breathe
To this day, I still find it so hard to believe
That he ultimately chose his own cousin over me.
I was just the victim in his story, obviously.
But he was nothing but a simple minded person to his family
It was a scary time for me as I was so young
But like they always say, fools fall in love
While being, young and dumb
I'm just grateful I could get away from this evil one.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

It's not you, It's me
I try to get you to understand me
But I always fail, effortlessly
Because it's not you, but me
I love the way you're over protective of me
But I don't like the way I make you treat me
I just try to get you to understand me
But, still, I fail, every time completely
Because I can't get through to you clearly
I love the way you defend me
But I don't like the way I drive you crazy
Because again, it's not you, but me
There's a lot going on in my life right now
Especially with my health, but also mentally
I try so hard to do better and be better
But I fail, every. single. ****. time, miserably
Because I simply just don't know how
I don't know how to do better or be better
I grew up young, matured faster than I should have
I had to learn how to do things on my own
Life was becoming more difficult
Everyday became wishes of suicide
Visions of hanging from the window pane
I needed guidance, I needed help,
I didn't know how to deal with the thoughts in my young brain
But ultimately I had to learn.. The hard way
And hard decisions had to be made,
And hard lessons had to be learned,
Respect was drilled to be given, not earned
Hard times had to be dealt with, at such a young age
And now that I'm an adult,
I'm back in that same **** cage
It's not you, it's me, it's never been you, but always me
I'm hurt; and hurt people.. hurt people
It's not fair, but that's the way the game is played
Perhaps I'd be molded differently if,
My mother had left, and my father had decided to stay
But in the end, neither one of them wanted me anyway
It's never been you, it's been me the whole time
I am unstable, I am mentally crippled, and physically numb
I act out, I scream, I yell, I cry and I shout
And because I'm caught up in a circle of rage
A lot of the **** I say is mean, or just violently dumb
So no baby, it's not you, it's me
I wish sometimes more than anything
To be able to let you go, to set you free
But the end result of that wouldn't be fair to you, or me
Because I am a hurt person, and yes I hurt others too
But this life I'm currently living in
Is a life too hard for me to take on, by myself
And as much as I want to say goodbye to you
I just can't, because I can't live this life without you.
It's me, not you,
and I don't know how to stop hurting you.
With all my heart, body, and soul, I truly do love you
I want to do better and be better
But I just simply don't know what to do
If anything, I just want you to know,
It's me… and not you.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

Living a life like mine is like living through a deck of cards
At first everything seems easy, seems simple,
And then out of nowhere,  everything then becomes hard
There's the cards that are numbered 1-10
Those cards are nice, low, and calm;
I also have days where I'm nice, low, and calm… but not often
Then there's the cards that start with an Ace..
This is a tricky card as it can represent two different things;
1 or 11, depends on the game or the strategy you're using
I have multiple days of being an Ace, why?
Because of the pain I hide on my face
Because of the feeling that I belong somewhere, yet still out of place
I can relate to being an Ace because there are days and times
Where I don't know if I'm coming or going,
or who I even want to be sometimes,
Like some days I love nothing but silence,
Then some other days, I love the soothing sound of windchimes
See how confusing it is living a life as if you were a deck of cards?
I don't know how I do it honestly, life sometimes gets really too hard
Coming next is the King and Queen. Rawr.
Somedays I feel like I am all mighty!
Those are the days I like to keep everything including myself tidy!
But, if I'm not next to my King, then that's when I become A Jack..
A complete and miserable Jack..***!
My moods change quicker than I can even try to begin to get grasped!
I look forward to my future; and although it;
might be kind of hard to see or believe, I do
But when I'm being a *******, time stops,
everything stops, I lose focus and I lose my breath and then I collapse
Because those are the days I'm usually getting stuck remembering my past
Then you have the Joker Card, oooh this is my favorite card
Here's why, It doesn't have a set label, it can be its own thing
I have several days where I don't know what tomorrow will bring
Moods swinging near or far, barely hanging on by a thread
Wishing some days that I can take back certain words I've ever said
But that's not how life works, especially not a life like a deck of cards
Moods are okay today, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day?
Jokers are my type of card to play, just be careful what you do or say
I'm not a mean person by nature or by blood,
but it's something I've gotten good at these days
I'm living my life with multiple moods,
And possibly even with multiple personalities;
But somewhere along the cards in my brain, I'm somewhat tamed
I may be put together well on the outside;
But if you ever lived a life like mine, you'd never be the same
Because I won't lie, some days I hear nothing on the inside;
And some other days I hear voices that drive me absolutely insane
And living in today's society, and in today's day in age;
And because my moods are so relatable to the characters in a deck of cards
I have earned the jester of having Jekyll & Hyde as my middle name
I know I need to get my mind right, I'm not going to give up or stray
But I'm currently stuck in my own terrifying ways,
and I'm not sure if I really want to change.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/21/2025

What if the heart really doesn't know..
Before I continue this, I'll tell you what inspired this poem
The saying(s) go(es) something like;
"The heart knows what it wants.";
Or; "Always follow your heart."
Well, back to the poem, just hear me out though
What if the heart really doesn't know what it wants?
What if we "think" we know what it wants by, in fact, manipulation?
I mean come on, think about it, our minds also have a need for dictation
and our mind's can't help but crave a life full of harmful justifications
So what if the heart is fooled into thinking it knows what it wants?
I seriously cannot be the only person with these kinds of thoughts?
I  thought I knew what it was supposed to be like, to be loved
But little did I know, that soon, the honeymoon would be over;
And the bond we once shared, we once had, became weak, and unplugged
What if my heart "thought" I "felt" like I was being loved?
Because I'm down as low as I can be or get;
So why does this person I deeply love so much, continue to push and shove?
What if my heart doesn't know
What if my heart doesn't even have a clue? So please tell me brain;
What in the hell am I supposed to do?!
They say to listen to the heart, but um, I can't just do that
For my heart only feels, and my brain does the real, true thinking
So when we say "I Love You" are we really feeling it like we think we do?
Or are we really thinking it like we feel we do?
A couple phrases causes me to believe;
that we are indeed manipulated by our brains;
Because the yin yang is real, it's literally in black and white;
Our hearts are constantly being tricked,
And our minds are playing games that sometimes come too quick
That's why we get hurt, not only do "hurt people, hurt people"
But that's why our hearts are so naive, because our minds are too slick
You can't have good without a little bit of bad; and
You can't have bad without a little bit of good
Just like this(ese) one(s) goes(go) something along the line(s) of this(ese);
And "just because you can, doesn't mean you should"
I just feel like I finally discovered something about the heart;
Could it be our minds running the entire circus show from the start?
Like maybe I figured out the real meaning;
of the connection between the two?
There's a message in this poem,
a reality between the heart and mind
Or maybe it's just my way of thinking,
and maybe I really am just one of a kind?
Maybe I'm just finally going insane and simply overthinking;
Or maybe I'm just finally losing a battle with a ship that's sinking
Because you can't have happiness, without a little bit of pain
and you can't lose, if you don't ever intend to gain
So my question(s) is(are);
What if the heart doesn't really know?
What if the heart really doesn't know what it wants?
and what if the heart simply never even had an actual clue?
What if the heart has always been manipulated into believing what to do?
and it's always been our brains that cause the;
mind to flaunt meaningless taunts?
So this is my outlook on why I believe our hearts are;
Manipulated by, in fact, our brain.

P.S.
Does anyone else ever think about stuff like this?
Does anyone else kinda wonder and feel the same?
So what if this really has some twisted kind of meaning?
Or am I thinking way too far out of the box and this is just decieving?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/21/2025

STOP; Now that you're finished, you will now, forever be done;
For I have a chance now to grow, while your life from here will flop;

DROP; Did you get your rocks off, during your twisted, distasteful, fun?
Let the truth be known, let the confessions begin to flow!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU DID TO ME EVEN:
IF I WAS WEARING SHORTS AND A CROP TOP!!

&ROLL; It's time I start helping to put people like you away!
It's time for myself, and more people to;
get the strength and the courage and the;
Ability and the freedom to open up and finally say;
WE ARE SPEAKING UP, AND GIVING OUT NAMES!!
WE ARE NO LONGER ASHAMED, FOR WE ARE NOT THE;
CAUSE OF YOUR PITIFUL SHAME!!!
WE ARE SPEAKING UP AND SEEKING JUSTICE AND REBORN INNOCENCE!!
If our lives have to be changed, then so does yours;
Perverts LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE THE SAME;
IT"S TIME FOR PERVERTS LIKE YOU, TO;
BE DECAPITATED LIKE USELESS SERVANTS!

STOP; Your time has come to an end, no longer the sunlight you shall see;
Oh and trust me, you will be going to hell, nowhere near the heavens up top;

DROP; I will create my own valley because of disgraces like you;
You only gave myself and others the power, to finally set ourselves free;
We will gather together, and spread the words "NO AND STOP"

&ROLL; I hope the day you meet your final demise,
not one person has a tear to cry
And I hope not one person has the audacity to ask why
Because when we were too young, we lost ourselves and our innocents
BUT THAT'S ALL GOING TO CHANGE, BECAUSE;
WE ARE GOING TO START TAKING CONTROL!

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/19/2025

STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

I use dark evil jokes, and twisted sarcasm to mask my pain
Because I've already once lost everything,
The only way to go now is forward to see what else I can gain
I found my inner peace when I left your house
I found my inner peace when I let myself be loved by my spouse
The second I even start to think about you
It doesn't take long for everything to change
It doesn't take long for everything to come undone
But the difference is, I'm growing and learning
You're stuck in your own old ways, like seriously, come on
Doesn't it bother you that whenever I hear your voice
I have to give myself a lecture, I have to give myself some space
Your voice is like a very thick, nasty venom running through my veins
Your touch is so infuriating, so frustrating, it's messing with my brain
But it's your words that hurt the most,
It's your words that make me wish instead
That I was the one turning on a rod during a pigs roast
I don't even want to begin to imagine;
What you're going to be like when you're a ghost
Your words are harsh, ugly, bitter, mean,
They don't ever fall short of nothing far or more in between
So just keep throwing the daggers into my heart
Your words are so strong, and so hateful,
that they've got me in a chokehold
Cutting off any and all oxygen
that's fading away from reaching my brain
When I was younger, you're all I ever needed
But as I've gotten older, you're all I never wanted
I'm going crazy because of you and because of your words
I'm stronger now, and much wiser, yes, I know,
But there are days, sometimes weeks, hell, even months
When I'm reminded of your words, your voice, your touch
And I can't help but just sit on my bed and cry, falling apart
Don't you understand that you created a demon inside of me?
A demon I can't seem to get rid of for the life of me?
Because it's not MY demon, it's yours, and it doesn't belong in my head
It's YOUR demon, living rent free, in my skull,
Making me wish sometimes, that I WAS DEAD
I'll never forget those words you once said to me though
That I'm the reason you want to die.
I thought I was the reason you smiled, but I guess that was more lies
Because everything you've ever said,
resulted in me screaming and crying
Left alone to pick up all the pieces off my floor
Because you were just a young girl who was just playing pretend
And when it actually happened, it became too real,
It became too much for you to handle on your own
I can't figure out how this is my fault?
Can you please tell me how this is my fault?
Because I want the same thing that you do
For all this pain to just stop..
And end.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025