in springboard
how much will not go up
where you will fall
well do the math

when moon rising
find me
in darkness and desolation
the lake is quiet  and calm
like me
come without breaking the silence
no wind
trees like sculpture
motionless fishes

caught fit
to keep the peace
stay silent

moment freeze in this table

ink blot
trace remains
like love

after the dream
people are affected
like love

whistle
the heart feels
like love

how many times  I have been lost
you don't know

how many times I have been robbed
you didn't see it

how many times I come back
you were gone

how many times they called me
I didn't tell you

how many times have I lost shadows
I don't really know

I’m afraid of anything
I’m afraid of something
I’m afraid of breathing
I’m afraid of clothing
I’m afraid of everything
I’m afraid of being afraid

I bite my cheek and pinch my arm
In a place that mom cant see

“Why are you so pissy today?”
“You’re such a drag to be around
when you act like this”
She says

“sorry”
I say
Instead of the retort that comes to my mind:
‘So are you on the days you’re mad,
When you’re done with everyone’s ****’

But i know that will earn me an even bigger glare
A clenching of teeth
And a good ol’ grounding

So i sit quietly brooding and fuming and say simply
“sorry”

sorry im not good enough for you
sorry i have feelings unlike you
sorry im
not
enough

“How are you?”
Asks my good friend via text
“Pretty good hbu” i reply with vision blurred from tears
The marks i clawed into my arm still burning

“Dinner’s ready!”
Yells someone upstairs
“I’ll be up in a sec!”
I reply
Hastily pulling down my sleeve
and wiping away the messy makeup around my eyes

‘Whelp’
I think to myself
‘I hope they dont notice’

They dont
And if they do they dont mention it
For which im grateful

I dont feel like launching into a discussion that typically ends with me a blubbering mess

Anytime we have that discussion anyway

I know we need another one,
But i just cant bring myself to reveal anything
That might make them think somethings wrong with me

So for now ill just
Smile
And keep saying
“sorry”

Imagine yourself
a linear expression of experience,
a long strip of film like
the kind in old projectors with the
sepiatic sputters and flickers--
yes! Imagine yourself a strip of film but
rolled up messily like
the earbuds in your pocket or
folding fitted bedsheets.
You are a movie and the filmstrip endpiece lies at your feet,
you are knots and coils and tangles and
if you were to lie down at the top of this mountain for a moment--just a moment!--perhaps
the wind would catch the loops of film and
you would feel yourself
unravel.

I covered my wall with old photos
So that when I lay alone at night
I’m not
So
Alone.  

Thinking it would fill
That empty void in my heart.
That black hole.
But rather,
It just added more fuel to the flames.  
That burning desire
To not
Be
Alone.

But I can’t help it.
Loneliness comes naturally to me.
As If it were in my DNA.
My veins.

I separate myself from everyone else.
The only friends I have now
Are the face of those plastered on my wall.
The greatest joke of them all;
As if I could fool myself into thinking
That those faces could comfort this lonely soul.