Loneliness is my partner.
It walks by my side.
It surrounds me selfishly, keeping me prisoner.

I must break free, I must find a way.

Loneliness and pride walk hand in hand.
Blinding me to all the joys I may claim.

I'll save myself.
I don't know how, but I have no choice.
These feet are two, they'll never be more.
But stand I must and in me I trust.

Do you believe?
Should you believe?
Am I really in deep **** if I don't?
And why is morality tied with belief?

All around me I see belief.
All around me I see believers.
All around me I see fear.

I see condemnation.
Cruelty, avarice, egotism, punishment.
All in the name of belief.

**** belief.
Too many are abused because of belief.
Lying to justify our evil, defines belief.

If we are to believe,
let's do it in ourselves.

Took Donald less than a year to bring nuclear war to all our doorsteps.  Never mind ecological destruction!
Vlad is ****** clever, moved his pawn carefully and got what he wanted.

The USA is a joke now, the UK too busy with Brexit.  Merkle fighting to keep control.  The Middle East about to explode over Jerusalem.
Russia's Winter Olympic ban plays right into his hands.

Yes, Mr. Putin deserves to be applauded.
Chess pieces perfectly placed.
Yes Sir, you are a genius.
Your ultimate plan still a secret.

Can't help but admire your brilliance.

Miserable and hate full
That's what you've turned into.
You look at others and see only your losses.
Open your eyes fool!!!
Every day, you **** happiness in others to fuel your own feud.
You oppress those around you to feed your self inflicted misery.
I wish I could tell you to go to hell.
No point..you're already there.

I like to think I'm constant.
I'm constantly unselfish (thanks mom)
I'm constantly stressed.
I'm constantly nonjudgmental,
yet, admittedly, I do judge those who judge.

Aren't I just perfect?
When I worked, people hated me for being good at it and expecting the same from them.

Humility? Not really my friend,
I don't boast, but I don't deny my abilities.
I don't deny my shortcomings either.

I was educated in a system that demanded your best.
Now I live in a country that puts emotional wellbeing before education and ability.
I constantly struggle with this.

This dilemma is my constant companion.
Perhaps even my constant friend/enemy.

I constantly love all my family.
I constantly give people the benefit of the doubt.
I constantly form opinions of strangers.
I constantly cage myself in a prison of aloofness.
I constantly pretend disinterest.

I'm constantly afraid of the world, yet I constantly want to explore it.

Yes, I'm constant.

Inside u lives an animal
a dark, miserable soul.
We must all bow to your word or else!

Simple respect is too much for u to give.
U wear a clever mask though.
It's only the indebted or indentured that u ***** all over.
Even the two that gave u life.
U sadistically enjoy causing pain.

Once I revered you,
Now I hide away in fear.

I think I hate you.

Twisted words, a tale to carry, ignoring their fateful impact.
Manipulate for your immediate good.

Tell me, does it please you to harm?

Cold and empty, I need your charity.
How I wish I could fly so I could find my clarity.

I love the feel of my hair
Long and soft
Clean and curling gently.

I recognise my pride.
But find it easy to dismiss.

I feel beautiful when my my hair is newly washed.
Alive, sensuous and wanton.

Drowning myself in its depths.
Imagining him running his fingers through it.
The scent intoxicating us both.

Wanton desire rises......
But there is no 'him'
Just a figment if my imagination.

Will I ever be brave enough?
I hope so.

I'm not drunk,
Just inebriated.

I still have all my faculties,
But a headache pounds my temples.

It's nice to disappear for a while.
Nice to remember my ails, and flip them the bird!

White wine my poison,
Pinot Gris - yummy!

Can't leave forever,
Too many think I'm their rock.
A carefully cultivated image.

Temporary escape.....better than nothing.

I hear eternity calling.
Loud and clear
So tempting
So arousing

Guilt stabs
There are three who will not understand.
One who might not survive.

I'm so tired.
My body aches.
I wish I didn't care.
End it for me,
Please let me rest

I've figured it out.
Can't believe I was so dumb

Don't have to take 300 pills,
Just need to not take any.

Such a fool.
So much easier.
A medical scientist should be cleverer.

A few misfired circuits in my brain,
A couple of severe seizures,
And I'm done.

Starting tonight.
I've had enough.

Yet again,
He attaches wires to my head

He's pleasant,
"Been here for 30 years, never left this city"

The healthy don't understand the gift of life...
"You can drive to the second most dangerous volcano in the world on 5 hours!"
'Keep putting things off' he replies.

Fool!
We live in a place of wonder, volcanoes, mountains, lakes, forests, drylands....on these 2 islands we have it all.
You monitor strangers brainwaves every day.
Interesting? No doubt!
But you've forgotten to live.

I've seen them, volcanoes, farms, snow capped peaks, forests, ancient buildings.

'Well, it's abnormal.... as expected!'
I laugh in response.

"I've lived more than u" I think.

Value the present
It quickly disappears

Many shapes
Many forms

Your beauty beguiled
Your mask entranced.

I can't blame you alone.

I allowed myself to be beguiled and entranced.

Evil takes many forms, many shapes.
A little lives in us all
In me too.

Dead inside
Unable to write
Isn't it crazy?

I've yearned for death
Yet the thought of a doctor drilling into my skull scares me.

Death's sweet call is audible now
"I'm waiting..... waiting."

Release find me, I'm dying to escape this.......
Oops, poor word choice
Gotta smile :)

I'm right here and nobody sees me.
They talk with me, laugh with me, fight with me, but they don't see me.

It's not all their fault,
I'm hiding again.
I care too much,
I'm too intimidated.

Do I do this to others?
Do they care too much what I think?
Do I intimidate them?

I know I'm guilty, we all are.
Why does it matter so much?
Why can't we let ourselves be free?

We're such fools, we keep hiding, and
wave goodbye as life passes by.

Home isn't just where you sleep.
Many places can be your home.

We are here in this house.
This is your home too.

All I want is to say goodbye.
All I want is just to die.
Happiness flirts with me,
Then turns it's back.
I've lost myself,
Will I ever come back?

My doctor asks " How do u want to **** yourself? "
I laugh silently.
She thinks I'm lying.
"The internet is very helpful" I reply.
Coldly, factually I  narrate the correct way to cut your wrists, cut your jugular, hang yourself.
Unemotionally I discuss taking my 180 benzoates with a bottle of *****, and how this is pretty unreliable.

She turns white.
'Hard to do when you're Indian', I think quietly.
My inner laughter becomes a little hysterical as I'm asked if I "want" a psychiatrist.

My inner scientific self analyses the idiocy of asking a suicidal person if they "want" help.

Oh well, if I ever find the strength to do it, she'll know that I knew how

Yes Mother, you are.
Forgiveness is not something you know.
Anger consumes you.
Let it go, you will be happier.

Hate me for pointing it out.
But truth reigns supreme.

I hope you find peace.
I hope you find ease.
They are sorry
Only you have hatred.

Look..... it's out there

Wanting to write joy
To appease the need to please.
My words so fake, my body so ill.
Joy, who are you? Where do you come from?

There you are, in a little one's laugh.

My laugh is lost, my smile a facade.
The policeman says "You won't do it, you're not nuts."
I smile, my cheeks dimple.....
My mask in place I wonder again,
Who are you Joy?
Where are you

Amma remembers your smiling face.
Dad only sees the young boy you once were.
Me....I see the brother I love.

I don't know how I'll get through a week without your hello.
You were my dialysis.

Selfishly helping you made me feel better, stronger, useful.

I wish you hadn't gone.
I'm not ready to accept it.
I've raged at god, at fate and the unfairness that is life.

It makes no difference, you're gone.

The plane's engine roars above me.
I don't even notice.

Every home I've ever lived in has been  in the landing path.
Two countries, 4 cities, 42 years
And always in the landing path.

Something profound there.
What? I don't know.
Any ideas?

Child, the world is not ending
You will move beyond this
You will wake one morning and not think of "The One"

So much angst and mourning
One day you will look on it and smile.

For now, take a deep breath
And navigate your sorrows
This stormy sea will calm
Your new horizon awaits.

Strange term
Scary term

Like Mindedness is killing the world.
Like Mindedness is changing the world for the better.

Like Mindedness is powerful.

Without guidance, Like Mindedness is vile and torrid.
Without guidance Like Mindedness can lead to anarchy.

Conscience and rationale must rein in Like Mindedness.
They prevent it's uncontrolled, often disrespectful darkness.

Like Mindedness gave us slavery, indentured labour, apartheid, genocide.

And now Like Mindedness has gifted the world with a narcissistic leader who has small hands and a big button.

Those of good conscience and rationale must stand together in Like Minded force and save us all.

The moon over NZ blazes tonight.
Glowing boldly she seduces.
Three quarters of a whole.
Her every curve a vision.
Her every shadow a mystery.
She laughs loudly at the dark of night.
Shaming it in her intensity.
Oh I love you Beauty, you make me happy.

You're screaming at me tonight
Round and glaring
Accusing

Tonight I hate you
Your brightness a terrible slur

I want the sun to rise and **** you.
I can't bear your judgment

Drown myself, that's what I'll do.
Open a bottle and drown myself.

Go away you horrible white light.
Your savage glow highlights my flaws,
Increases my pain
And shows the world I'm fallible.

Die you cold, unfeeling light
Die

My mother loves me, I know it well.
She never says it, she doesn't know how, she'll never hug me, she'll never kiss me.
I've always been too fat, I've always been too foolish.

But when my seizure's over and I'm lying helpless on the floor, my head's in her lap and her tears bathe my face.
As I come back to myself, all I want is her comfort.
As I come back to myself her comfort disappears and her strength returns.

My mother loves me, I know it well.
She always shows it, the only way she knows how.

Listen to everyone's pain.
Comfort and love them.

I want my turn.
I want to be taken care of.
Am I not worthy?

My strength is waning.
I'm so tired.
Waking from seizures, wishing I didn't have to.
Crying now, useless tears stream down my cheeks.
I squirrel myself away.

Cook, clean and care for others.
Watching them flourish and enjoy.
Mother to the world.
No joy of my own

On my second large glass of wine.
Taken my benzodiazapines.
Verrrrry relaxed. Lol!

Nirvana in the background.
Feeling sorry for myself.
Change the music! Play some Gun's and Roses.

Yeah!! That's better
Kurt may have been brilliant but Axl still makes me smile.

These pills aren't The Doors type.
Thou Jim screaming about being a "back door"man is pretty stimulating.

Intoxication is a wonderful friend.
Hotel California probably awaits.

Might be fun thou, happier end than Tupac and Biggie, even if none of the others have Pac's abs, yummy.

Snoop is just a little too cool for this type of medication.

Gonna lay down and enjoy. Axl is crooning Patience.

Something I should learn I guess.

When did I give birth? Not something I recall!
'Recollection not necessary, just look at me'

Not the world's prettiest picture.
'But one you still love!'

He's right, my heart is his.
He owns it.
I don't own his, but a portion is mine.

I wonder if he'll still love me in the future.
Time may change his love, his dependence.
How will I survive? I depend on his love too.

Perhaps then my end will come.
Will I welcome it?
Will I be brave enough?

I hope so.... this is too hard.

My millions of minions
Today I set you free

Don't revel too much
Soon you will feel the force of my ties.

My prisoner you are, all of you.
Daily I harness you and imprison you.

Your freedom fills me with joy
But your upkeep is too tiring.

Shackling you is easier.  
Letting u swim in natural oils, wrapping u together to hide your ill treatment

Minimal effort, for minimal joy,
My lazy choice

I watched u cry today
My heart bled for ur pain
Not of this body, but still my oldest son.

He left us, my boy. Selfishly he left us.
You promised you'd never do the same
I believe you.

So many of us sobbed in today, my eyes barely left your face. A memorial for a supposedly healthy, happy 17 year old should never happen.
I held u afterward, your bloodshot eyes telling a soulful tale.

This aunt who calls you her Sunshine wanted to wash away your pain.
All I could do was wrap u in my arms and say "I love you my boy."

That fateful day this January, your cousin did the only selfish, hurtful thing he'd ever done in his 17 years with us.

His was the only smile that came close to yours, he may not have been my Sunshine, but he sparkled like every star in the night sky.

We all loved him my boy, we all still do.
But you are my Sunshine, your light gives warmth to all our lives.
I know your strength is deep and strong, hold onto it and all the love around you in this turbulent sea.

Shine brightly, young son so he can see you from heaven and smile with joy.

Rest in peace Mekellan, my son misses you.

Tonight he needed me.
He needed understanding.
He needed comfort.
He needed someone who understands vulnerability.

She didn't understand.
She wanted to be needed.
His needs weren't paramount.

He's only 14.
She's his mom, she needs him to need her.

I'm the disabled aunt.
I'm as needy as him.

We're lucky, we have each other.
Epilepsy and Autism make good friends.
Safe Haven? yes, that's me.
I'll always be.
I don't have a parent's selfish need.
I see my 'son'
I see his need.

I'm needed.
I diligently work toward a day I won't be.

So many sides to me, so much to see.
I'm strong, I'm weak, I'm shy, I'm brash.
A different me for every day.
I know how to save a life, while I desperately want to take my own.
I juggle my options daily
So far I've not found Peace....

She's an elusive mistress who's shadow resides in a bottle.

He calls to me daily and politely I answer.
Oblivion follows, the many 'mes' sleep.

Waking (another curse) I have to face my many sides, who will it be today?
Who's shaking hand will answer Oblivion's call tonight?

My favorite sound, the fall of rain.
Beating down, echoing my pain.
Cold and wet,
I huddle in reluctant shelter
Praying this dark cloud will pass,
and I'll find my centre.

You attacked again yesterday
Life killer.
Future stealer.

How very much I hate you.

I avoid bright sun, you've made my eyes too sensitive.
I avoid beautiful moonlight, entrancingly dangerous.

No more driving
No more working
No more independence
No point

But there are 3 who need me
I take my multitude of meds for them.
When the older 2 are gone, the younger one should be able to stand alone.

Looking forward to the day I can say goodbye.
So tired.

I read your poems
I twist in jealousy.
Some of you know yourselves better
Some of you are sadder
Some are angrier
Few are happier

I want to experience your deeper knowledge.
I want to have your deeper understanding.

My walls are impenetrable.
My exclusion is self inflicted.
I'll never have your freedom, I'll never allow myself the pleasure.
I'm a *****, a recluse.
I live in a tower of isolation.

Penniless and needy
My pride swallows me as I sit on my throne of superiority.

Old and overweight.
Lonely and scared.
A story that's been told a million times.

Several million times,
yet it's echoing pain screams it's agony.

Soiled by judgment.
Damaged by opinion.
Shamed by acceptance of outlook.
Wishing for the strength to die.

Twist of conscience?
No, it isn't.
I've dug this hole.
Embracing my shortcomings.
Doing nothing to better them.

Self deprecation?
Possibly.
I know I can be better.
But wanting it is easier than doing it.

Oblivion?
Yes.
Lots of pills.
I love my pills.
My ready excuse for non-action.

Anyone see my suffering?

Thoroughly foolish
Rudely idiotic
Utterly stupid
Mean self-absorption
Pompous arrogance

Hinduism calls our times the 'Demon Age'
Are you the proof?

Swirling sea
Raging wind
I've lost sight of the shore.

His passion fills me with joy and power.
I feel no shame even tho I know it's wrong.
He belongs to someone else.
And I don't want him forever,
Just those forbidden hours of lustful ecstasy.
I tell myself I should feel deep shame,
But my body still aches for his touch.
Anticipation draws my tense skin tight.
My breath quickens at the memory of our last liaison, and the need for our next.

I want what only he's ever given me
Not his love, not his fidelity, not his money.
I just want the satisfaction he provides.
Our little secret I'll keep, unashamedly.

Self absorption brought to brutal light.
People dead, an awful plight.
Violence consumes us.
Man takes the lower road.
Free will, the gift of evolution and revolution.
Disrespect for life, it's sly accompaniment.

Anger and misery have deserted me
I'm hanging in limbo again.
I hate this feeling of not feeling.
I search for an emotion, but all elude me.
I especially miss self-righteousness and self-pity too.
Two of my favourite pals.
I seem to always need something to moan about.
I even moan about not having anything to moan about.

Hang on.....is this self disgust?
Aha! I can still feel.
Oh, here comes relief and self deprecation.......
Yes,yes...my yearning for acceptance has arrived too.
Coupled with dissatisfaction, anger is rising too.
Misery is chasing away delicious numbness
****! But I'm a fool!

You asked me to come visit.
I promised I would.

I came today,
I saw your beautiful smile.

I cried like a baby.
I see why u insisted I come.

You wanted me to see my selfishness.
You wanted me to realise.

My brother made your grave look beautiful.

Thank you Mekellen.
No matter how much I want to,
I promise I won't leave them.
You've realized your sin,
Thank you for making sure I don't do the same.

I'll stay, I'll fight, I'll do all I can.

When we are blind
Then we are fools

When we are jealous
Then we are selfish

We are all needed
We all have our place and function

Look beyond yourself
Look at what's necessary

Put your rampant ego away
Appreciate what we have.