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Spades Jun 2018
I tried to hug my mom the other day
But instead of hugging me back she said all I do is cause her pain
I was at a lost for words, I didn't know what to say
Then I went to my room because she told me to get out of her face

As I walked to my room I didn't know what to think
That pain is inexplicable when your own mom doesn't want to speak
I crawled into my bed feeling lost and weak
It was a struggle to breath forget eat or drink
So for two days straight all I did was weep and sleep
Because I couldn't get rid of that feeling when my mom lost faith

I got in an argument with my dad it was the same story
But unlike other writings this story will never be boring
Because I was called young, dumb, stupid and a dissapointment
They always hated me but I mean who could blame them

Because all I ever do is fail no matter how hard I try
Because I can never fix my problems no matter how hard I try

I've lived to learn that my parents will never be happy no matter now hard I try

But my days of trying to make them happy are finally over
My days of causing pain will continue no longer
Because after today no one will suffer me growing older
Maybe it didn't have to come to this if I was a little stronger

Suicide is usually an unhappy memory
But honestly no one even deserves to remember me
I'm sure the world will be a better place when I'm not here to see

Because all I ever did
Was make the world hate me
I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse to be alive right now...
Spades Aug 2019
Does Sadness make you anxious? I’m sure she does. I mean it’s not hard to tell judging by the fact you take all those drugs to keep her away. But that’s why I love you so much! How easy you are to control.

Not to mention the fact that you were physically abused as a kid. Or the fact that you were mentally torn apart by those bullies at school. Even your own therapist got sick and tired of you.

I love it.

I love how much trouble you have trusting anyone now, how easy it is for me to get in your head when the odd person wants to truly help... but you don’t even know it, you can’t even trust them anymore. You can’t trust anyone after whats happened to you.

I almost feel pity for you. Almost...
But your constant panic attacks are just so amusing, it just makes me so happy how badly you want them to stop, but you simply can’t make me go away even if you tried.

It’s not even my fault, you know that right? If it wasn’t for Sadness you wouldn’t have started taking antidepressants at 12 years old to keep yourself from crying in class.
If it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t have picked up your first bottle at 14, or try to **** yourself 10 times in 6 years.

Just because I am a sick ****** doesn’t mean you can justify being mad at me...
It’s not my fault you are so weak and manipulative.
Part 2/3, those voices are all I hear
Spades Jan 2020
It doesn’t feel like it but i hope you’re still watching over me
And if you are all I can hope is that you’re happy for me

I hope you can look past the drugs liquor and poison I take
I hope you can look past all the pain sadness and tears I shed
I hope you can look past all the sins I’ve committed

I never asked God for forgiveness because your name always took his place
I hope you forgive me mom
And I’m sure it’s hard for you
Watching me try to imagine what time spent with you would have been like
Trying to figure out what hugging you feels like
Dreaming of what your eyes hair and lips looked like

But that’s all it is right? Just a dream
All I can do is dream of you tucking me in bed
All I can do is dream of what your warmth and comfort feels like
All I can do is dream of what crying on your shoulder feels like
At least that’s all I can dream and wish for when I’m crying alone in my room without you

Do you love me mom
I hope you wish as hard as I do to look eye to eye for the first time
Because since the day I was born, that's all I’ve ever wanted
I know I am not worth much, but I hope you can still be proud of me
Please be proud of me mom
Please be proud of me
People say everybody is worth something. I feel like I’m the only exception to that rule
Spades Apr 2018
Dry eyed
In bed
Cramped head
Misled
Regret
He dread
Life ahead
But instead
Wrists bled
Sleeves red
Now he's dead
Not much thought was put into this, it was more of a sort of "emotional takeover" type of writing... If that's a thing.
Spades Apr 2018
No one
Experiences this kind of loneliness.
Because even those who have
No one but themselves.
Have more than me.
More of a Quote rather than a poem, but it hit me hard so I decided to post it
Spades Apr 2018
You won't hear another good morning
You won’t hear another good night
But before I put myself to sleep
The last thing the world would hear
Is Goodbye
Spades Apr 2018
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to let go of something I never had
The number of poems I write, the number of crying nights, the number of battles I fight you would think that I remember a sight

of her

Though her life went dark when I first saw the light
Her life was taken away against my right
I’m sure a life as lonely as mine was never in her mind
And no matter how hard I tried to be happy the fire inside me always died
Maybe my life would be different if the sun of my world shined

I refuse to be part of this cruel game of life any longer
Maybe my fate would be different if I was a little stronger
But the pain that I’ve been forced to live through  is something I refuse to longer suffer
Postponing the inevitable has never been wronger
Because there is nothing worse
than to never see your very own mother
I always find myself writing about her again and again. I really don't understand why I do.
Spades Mar 2018
It’s crazy how something as small as a leaf could represent my life so accurately
They grow up with the warmth of their mother and friends
Hundreds of leaves just dancing in the wind with each other, happy
But once you grow older you experience the weather, the rain, the heat, and the cold
You become weak, you are no longer able to hold on to what you hold dearest to yourself; your life
You struggle to hang onto the branch, and the pain from gripping so desperately is too much too handle
So you let go, you let go of your life and put it in the past, and you hit rock bottom
Alone, cold, and slowly rotting away you become depressed
And no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you try to get back up, to piece together your life once again
The wind will slow down and you find yourself struggling to get off the ground once again
You become weaker and weaker, you start to rip apart, rot away, but you don’t give up this hopeless battle for your life back
But once again, you fall face first into depression
Cold, broken, and alone, you finally pick your spot on the ground to begin to decompose with all hopes of being happy lost
You go numb, you lose the feeling of feelings, lost in nothingness
Crying your eyes dry until you finally close your eyes and give up.
Spades Jul 2018
It was my mom's birthday the other day
And I know she doesn’t listen but I always have something to say
I just wish she were here with me to celebrate
But from the moment my life came to life her life went the other way
From the moment my life was on display hers was taken away
From the moment I was born I knew nothing but pain

Unbearable pain

So unbearable medications don’t even do anything anymore
So unbearable food doesn’t even taste like food anymore
So unbearable that sleep doesn’t even feel like sleep anymore
So unbearable I haven’t felt motivated to even live anymore

I can’t even cry anymore

I don’t know what else to say
I don’t know what else to think
But for whatever it means
Even though God took you away from me

I love you
Mom I love you
I love you with everything I have left
It was her birthday a few days ago
Spades May 2018
I can’t explain why I love you so much?
I mean is it even possible to love something you never had?

Is it even possible to miss the touch I never felt?
To miss the warm hugs I never hugged?
The soft kisses I never kissed?
The love I never loved?

Is it even possible to miss the voice I never heard?
To miss the beautiful soft-spoken words?
The angry voice for not doing my work?
Or the sarcastic jokes?

Is it even possible to miss the sight I never saw?
The loving, crystal-like eyes?
And the beautiful smile?
The beautiful hair?

Its just so exhausting to live without you
I’m just so exhausted living without you
I just wish that I could finally be with you

But I will be forced to live another year without you
But no matter how much it hurts
I will push on simply because I will always love you

Signed by your only child


Happy Mothers Day mom. I love you
The sad truth of mother’s day, because I know I’m not the only one
Spades May 2018
I never asked for much
Growing up all I wanted was happiness
But now I realize that my hope is hopeless
Because no matter what I do
I always feel
worthless
A snippet of a recorded conversation I had with my girl.. Word for for word
Spades Mar 2018
It’s crazy I could reach such a level of depression
Sometimes my life gets so dark I wish just to go to Heaven
I don’t know why everything has to be a lesson
I hate that my life has become a therapy session
I know I never met you mom
But I’m sure if you were here you would turn your head away
To this waste of ******* life that doesn’t want to live another day
To this worthless beating heart that constantly lives his life in grey

I wish you were here for me mom
I wish you were here for my first day of school
I wish you were here for my first date
I wish you were here for my graduation
I wish you were here to convince me that I wasn’t wasted
I’m sure you wanted the best for me
But when I go to sleep tonight It will be different
I won’t dread having to live another day
Because when I wake up
You’ll be the first person I see
Spades May 2018
Every morning I wake up a disappointment
Not only to my mom watching from the clouds, but to the person staring back at me through the mirror
I just feel as if the person I see is never good enough, and if I was any better maybe my life wouldn’t be so rough
Because instead of dealing with my problems
I drown my sorrows away
Every night I just lay awake, sleepless because of heartache
Then I'm up afraid of forcing another bottle of champagne
Yes I say forced because it’s the only way to get away from my pain

I tried everything but nothing seems to work
I tried making friends but that didn’t work
I tried being thankful but that didn’t work
I tried being happy but that didn’t work
I tried making love but that didn’t work


I tried

There’s only one thing I haven’t tried yet
It’s an idea I try to force myself to forget
But it’s hard when your life is full of nothing but regret

Maybe I should just do it
Just kick the chair over and be over with it
Or just take that final step and be over with it
Or just pull the ******* trigger and be done with it
Emotion got in my way, decided to post it anyway
Spades Nov 2018
This is to someone I don’t know, but I know what he did.
I want him to know that leaving my mom and me on the hospital bed that night is something I still hold a grudge for.
But I have no intentions of finding you to hurt you.

I just want to know why.

I want to know why you ran away from mom.
Why you let her die with me in her arms.
You left us.
That left me all alone.

I want to know what I did to you that you were convinced to force me to suffer in Hell before I even had a chance to die?
Did you think that I would live to get over it?
Because to this very day, I still cry about you.
I still cry about mom.
I cry about how different my life would be if  I could write poems about you.
Instead of poems of what could have been you.

I just want to know why.

I want to know how you are doing now.
I hope you are living happily wherever you are, whatever you do.
And I only hope you wish the same for me.
And if you honestly did care for me, my birthday wishes would have come true so I could finally see you.
But I don’t even know if you think of me.
But lone Birthday after cold Christmas I can’t help but think how much happier I would be if I even merely had a picture of you.
But I don’t even have any memories of you.

I just want to know why.

I want to know if a life full of alcohol and drug abuse was a life you ever imagined for me?
Did you even think about the future when you left?
Because I’m sure if you knew I would have struggled this much with it you wouldn’t have let it happened…
If you knew, would you have let it happen?
Did you know it was going to happen?
I’m sure you didn’t.
I’m sure you didn’t know the impact on a kid who never saw his dad's eyes.
Who never heard his dad’s voice.
A kid who never felt his dads touch.

But because of you, I cry every night

Wondering if you had no other choice to make.
Or if it was a choice you made.
Re-tweaked, I didn't like the first one.
If you couldn't tell it's a message to my dad.
Spades Jan 2019
January 9th marks 18 years of living without you .
And it pains me to know the rest of my life will have the same. story, because another lonely birthday is another year without you mom.
another year without you dad.

I wonder if you look down on me.
Do you see me? The things that I see?
Do you wish as hard as I do every night to just be able to remember the warmth I had with you?
Because I’ve never even felt that warmth with you.

When people lose a loved one they tell me they can relate to me, telling me they cry over the visions of the past they see.
But they don’t understand what its like to cry over your imagination.
They don’t understand what its like to be forced to dream because you don’t exist in any of my memories.

All I can do is wish for you not to see me.
Because I’m a hopeless wreck that numbs the pain with a bottle of Hennessy.
A hopeless wreck that pumps so much black in his veins that he struggles to breathe.
A SadBoy who wants to cut deep and watch his life seep

A hopeless boy who wants his mom more than anything
I would do anything just to see you mom


I don’t know what to do anymore
I would be lying if I said I ever did
Because night after night, fight after fight, sin after sin
I tell myself I will change, just do make the same mistake as before
How many sad birthday poems do you really see anyway?
Spades Jul 2019
I grew up always telling myself things would get better.
But the longer I lived my life I always thought the world was getting more bitter and bitter.
Because every time I would take one step forward in life, I would be pushed back, further and further behind the starting line.

No one gives a **** about me. Even those who are paid to care just laugh behind my back.

From 10 years old I had my very first suicide attempt, now 8 years later I've tried 7 more times because the ******* therapist didn't give a single **** about how I was truly feeling.

From 12 years old I've been dependent on anti-depressants, now 6 years later I'm triple dosing my pills just to feel a fix, all because she was only focused on that 10-3 time card.

From 14 years old I've been addicted to alcohol, now 4 years later I hit the bottom of the bottle before I even feel a buzz, all because the paid rehab was just like those stupid therapy sessions.

From 17 years old I started looking at heavier drugs to feel fixed, now 1 years later taking a Xan in the morning followed by 3 Zoloft pills is the normal after a sleepless night of throwing up all the codeine I put my system through.

For 18 years I've cried over my mom.
For 18 years I've cried over my dad.
For 18 years all I've ever wanted to do was just ******* die.
Because I don't care how much longer it's gonna take that stupid rain cloud to go away for me to see the rainbows, I don't care, I physically nor mentally can take another hour of living in this makeshift hell above the ground.
Doesn't even count as a poem... Just a vent
Spades May 2018
I couldn’t understand the true meaning of love when
I met you
Though I finally understood the true meaning of love when
you left me
Spades Mar 2018
Suicide is a crazy thing
Because once it’s in your mind it just continues to ring
No matter how long you ignore it for, or however long you look out the window for
He is just standing there, patiently waiting for you to open the door
It could be months, **** it can be years, he will always be there however long you ignore
Suicide has been knocking at my door for some time now, though it doesn’t seem that he is getting impatient
I’m sure it's because sooner or later he knows I will have to open the doors and let him in
Sometimes I open my window and have a talk with him
Talk to him about my day, about my struggles
He never responds though, just smiles back
I have to fight the urge every hour of my life just to simply not give in
It's getting harder day by day to keep that door closed
I’m sure it would be hard for anyone to keep away their only friend
Spades Apr 2018
People always tell me that the future contains the best for me
But when my sad days became weeks I began to plea
But when my sad weeks became months I began to disagree
But when sad months become years I was convinced that it’s simply
My destiny
It's just the way I feel
Spades May 2018
I promised myself a lot of things

I promised myself no matter what happens I’ll always keep my wrists away from my knife
But my knife was done with my wrists a long time ago, because now its past my elbows and making its way to my throat
And it just itches to finally take me out of my personal hell

I promised myself a lot of things

I promised myself no matter what happens I’ll always stay happy
But all I can think about is from the day of birth my mother was never here for me
And I find it crazy how people still have the nerve to make fun of me

I promised myself a lot of things

I promised myself that no matter what happens I’ll always stay strong for my mom
But it’s impossible to start my day off right because of how exhausting another night full of nightmares and crying can be
And it hurts because even though my dad left, I’m sure my mom wanted the best for me

I promised myself a lot of things
But I broke them
I promised myself to never **** myself
But I broke them all
O.D
Spades Jun 2018
O.D
Medications  are  Medications
Only when used as Medications
O.D stands for overly Dramatic
Spades Oct 2018
Poetry used to be something I could look forward to
Because when no one was here for me poetry was always excited to have me to talk to
I loved poetry because it was something that helped me vent
To help me express and control my feelings
To help me give me a purpose

Poetry is no longer someone I want to talk to
Because it has become more than a want
It has become more than a help
It has become a need

Poetry is something that I need now
Poetry is something that I need to cope with life
Poetry is the only thing that can help me express my problems
and I hate it


I hate it


I don't want this anymore
But I can't help it
Because when I realized I had this problem
the first thing I did was to write about it
I think this is the first poem I ever have written that doesn't directly talk about my depression... It is still me though
Spades Jun 2019
I saw nothing but darkness I was in a dark spot.
But when I saw your light I thought my story would have a different plot.
She finally gave me a reason to put down that bottle of scotch because when we spent time together all my problems were forgot.

After 17 years of chronic depression, I thought I found a blessing.
After 17 years of darkness I thought I found my person.
After 17 years of hurt I thought I could stop the hurting.
After 17 years of Hell I thought I found my Heaven.
But after 15 months all my trying fell pointless.

All those times you told me you loved me you must have been faking.
Explain to me how I go from a potential husband to someone worth nothing?
For 15 months you acted like you were nothing but loving but every time you told me you loved me you were really bluffing.
All I ever did was give you every piece of me and looking back on it you took all of it for free.

I promised that I would stop taking the drugs I take because I loved you.
I promised that I would stop drinking the drinks I drank because I loved you.
I promised that I would never break up unless you gave me a major reason too.
So after everything I did, tell me why you put me through everything you put me through.

It isn’t ideal, but just remember it was you that put us through this.
You made it clear and I can’t ignore that there is no future with us.
Cause you would rather soak the lies and cut our ties and leave me to reminisce, about what we were.

And what we could have been.
Spades Aug 2019
What’s your problem? Do you not understand that you can’t run away from me?
Sadness is a natural feeling that every human being feels. Better yet, it’s something that every living thing feels.
So why are you so scared of me? Is that fair to me?

What, just because you haven’t been able to get rid of me your whole life? That doesn’t mean you should hate me.
For most I just come and go, it’s not my fault you’re not strong enough to deal with me.
Who gives a **** about your past? huh? Who cares that you didn’t grow up without a dad? Who cares you don’t know what your mom’s touch feels like?
You know that’s what people want to tell you right?
Those people don’t care about you because all you ever do is cry about the past instead of trying to fix your future.

So unless you’re going to finally change how you live life, I am never going to go away. For all I know I will haunt you for the rest of your worthless life.. It shouldn’t be much longer anyway...Right?
part 1/3. just a taste of the voices in my head
Spades Jan 2020
Does Sadness still keep you up at night? She doesn’t leave you alone does she? And Anxiety never shuts up either I’m sure.
Why put up with those two any longer?

I’m your only real friend, don’t you remember? Don’t you remember you wrote about me 2 years ago?
You said I was your only friend, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten.
So why do you keep ******* pushing me away?
Why don’t you let me help you, I only want what’s best for you.

Why don’t you listen to me, I make it so easy for you.
I was the one who put that gun in your hand, so why did you ******* bury it away?
I was the one who put that knife in your drawer, so why haven’t you ******* used it yet?
I was the one who put that rope under your bed, so why are you still ******* breathing?

I’m just trying to help you man, can’t you see?
Can’t you see if you die your life will become complete?
That rope is still where you left it Elyad.
That Knife is still where you left it Elyad.
That ******* gun is still where you buried it Elyad so go ******* dig it out and finish what we started.

I was the only one to ever stick up for you, do you really want to disappoint me?
I was your only friend, I’m still your only friend, just trust me.

You won’t regret it.
Marks the end of my 3 part story. Maybe you’ll understand a little more about the stupid voices I talk to everyday
Spades Sep 2018
Lately all I've been feeling is  lost
Because whenever I want to **** myself I try to contemplate the cost
But every time it is a battle that is hard fought
Every time I get closer and closer just to ending it all
And on those lonely nights, instead of trying to fix it I just continue to push my liver to its limits
And people don't understand

People don't understand the true feeling of feeling lost
People don't understand what it feels like when the only thing you feel is lost

People don't understand how therapy doesn't do anything
Because if those therapists wouldn't get paid they wouldn't be there

People don't understand why talking about it doesn't do anything
Because those people who listen don't ever know what to say

People don't understand why trying to be happy doesn't work
Because it is impossible to shut out the voices from your head


People don't understand how our society is so heartless
Because instead of helping you when you're down they kick you
and beat you
and taunt you
Until you think you can't take anymore
Then they make it worse

Lately I've just been feeling lost
So lost that I can't even think straight anymore
So lost that eating is something I feel like doing anymore
So lost I don't even want to die anymore

So lost that all I can do is cry some more
So lost that all I want to do is cry some more
Updated title and slightly different poem. Wasn't happy with the first one
Spades Dec 2019
I was never broke, but I live a broken life
From the moment I was born I never saw the light
I don't even have an idea of what the light looks like
Or what warmth love or safety felt like

But since I was 16 I found something, something that would give me hope
I found a person who I thought could help me rebuild, help me finally fix me
But she was nothing but a cup of poison, the Devil in disguise
Because after I dropped everything in my life for her she took it and ran
She took whatever was left of my heart and crushed it
She took away my ability to trust then called me a kid

A ******* kid

She was the first person I took my walls down for
She was the first person I met that I would die for
I would do anything everything and more for her
Because the love I had for her was nothing but more than pure

She gave me hope
She showed me a ray of light
The first glimpse I ever had, it was beautiful
It was so **** beautiful

What am I supposed to do now
What do I do after the first person I trust left me
What do I do after the first person I loved cheated on me
What am I supposed to do after 2 years of dating
Just to be alone again
Someone just help me not feel alone anymore
Spades May 2019
The harder you try to piece yourself together
The more pieces you lose
Depressed depression emotional
Spades Jul 2019
Our Demons look so beautiful in disguise
midnight thoughts
Spades Jun 2018
You never know the true feeling of betrayal
Until you betray yourself
Not in a happy place rn
Spades Aug 2018
I'm living in a nightmare
But I never wake up

I'm living in a nightmare
But no matter how bad it gets I never wake up

I'm living in a nightmare
But my life is my nightmare
Sorry for the inactivity. Just came out of a 1 month therapy for my problems. And they didn't let me use the internet.
But I'm still writting about my sadness.... So it didn't ******* work
Spades Apr 2018
Not everyone is meant to
Live
But everyone is meant to
Die
Maybe you can tell me what you think it means
Spades Sep 2018
I always have this nightmare.

This nightmare has no ghosts, or zombies, or anything unreal.
This nightmare I have is about a sad boy, who hates the world and struggles with everything in life.
This nightmare is about a boy who can’t focus on studying  because he has to focus on keeping the rope under the bed.

This nightmare is about a boy who can’t focus on eating because he has to fight that urge whenever crossing a bridge.
This nightmare is about a boy who can’t have friends because of his anxiety and his lack of ability to cope with life.
This nightmare is about a boy who uses alcohol and drugs as a crutch because it works better than therapy and pills.

This nightmare is about a boy who still cries over his mother, creating memories of her instead of reliving them because she was gone before he was born.
This nightmare is about a boy with no dad because he ran away from the future of this boy.
This nightmare is about a boy who tries to forget about the pain by inflicting pain on himself.

This nightmare is about a sad boy who is lost.

This nightmare is real.

That boy is me.

I’m still waiting to wake up.
I don't know anymore :(
Spades Sep 2018
I no longer dread the question that nobody knows how to answer
Because instead of hiding my emotions behind a wall of lies I speak the truth
Instead of telling them I feel fine I tell them that I don’t want to breath anymore
And I can’t help but scoff when they tell me I have so much to be grateful for

They don’t know me
I hate how people assume

They tell me that I should be grateful for my parents
But my parents are why I run on anti-depressants
And it’s not because of what they did but what they didn’t do
Those pills I take are because my mom died in front of me
Those pills I need are because my dad ran away from me
Those pills I live on are because my brother is the only family I have left, and no matter how much I love him he always hates me

I was told to be grateful for my friends
But my friends are why I get so drunk I can’t even find the floor
And its not because they ignore me, but because my only friends suicide, depression and sadness keep pounding on my door
Depression keeps telling me that life would be better if I give up trying to avoid him
Sadness keeps trying to tell me that I would breath easier if I stopped running away from him
Suicide keeps telling me that I won’t have to deal with Depression or Sadness if I just listened to him

I was told I should try to be happy more
But its gotten to the point where I’ve cried so hard I can’t even cry anymore
I mean you can’t blame someone who doesn’t have anything to be grateful for
4th night without sleep. I  can't even be motivated to dream anymore
You
Spades Mar 2018
You
It drives me crazy to think I am going to graduate without you
And dad is nowhere in sight but I’m sure he could never replace you
I lived everyday of my life thinking about you
From the day my newborn eyes saw that flatline I couldn’t stop imagining what my life would be like if I had you
I would go to sleep every night and no matter how many blankets I threw over myself I could never simulate the warmth I would have if I had you
I never had the chance to experience having a mother as I was robbed of you
Though my time has come to an end away from you
I can’t live another day crying over something I lost but I never had
It’s crazy to think that losing one person could drive someone so mad
And make my life so sad
It makes me sad
I can’t stand people complaining about living their lives under a rain cloud while my sky is separated by  the dirt below their feet
I’m sure you wanted the best for me but I can’t live any longer
Maybe I can better explain it when I get to finally see you

— The End —