I hold resentment towards you deep in my veins
every mention of you stirs something thick and dark--
I try to add water to thin it
the tears are never enough to smooth the churning
I feel the shame I don't believe you feel
this has become my normal
I keep trying to feel other things;
but resentment becomes anger and hurt rather than healing and forgiveness--
Still I stir

These poems of mine always seem strangled
Tangled in a web of tight vocal chords
My throat can't get the words out it needs to so my hands do their bidding instead
I guess that's why none of my poems seem happy
Those words burst from my chest like firecrackers
My laugh unsurpessesble and bellowing
Much too fast for hands to grab
Happy emotions are light and feeble. Carefree and quick
Trying to grab them is fistfuls of sand in water
But the dark
The taboo
They are much more heavy
Easier to grab
The weight of those feelings only leaving by typeface
Wet cement drying then being slowly chipped away
And I am free again

We she ran into my store begging for a hedgehog I didnt know how much she'd affect my life
Over time she became a regular
A familiar face to chat with semi-awkwardly because I'm still on the clock and doing my job but I'm lonely and dont have friends and I want to be yours
We bonded and exchanged numbers
Eventually we hung out nearly weekly on our so called dates
Painting pottery
Getting tattooed
Going shopping
All the things we said we'd do with our boyfriends but they never wanted to
I saw you blossom
I saw you grow
I knew the most complex things about you but if someone asked me your favorite color I would have to make a guess
It's somewhat comforting to know the trivial things dont hold much weight with us
Our friendship was deep from the start
You're moving now
Hours away
And I'm still trying to come to that realization that I'll be alone once again
I've never really had friends before
I say I do but when you get down to it it's just me, myself, and I
You wedged your way into my solemn trio
Thank you for running into my store that day
I'm sorry we didn't have hedgehogs but I'm glad you came.
I'll miss you when you're gone, but I'll visit I swear.
After all, we never did get to go rollar skating and my skates are still waiting in my car.

I met a girl named Megan
She was my best friend
Placed herself into my life and was unapologetic in everything she did
I admired her for that until I didn't

She lives in a one bedroom with my ex boyfriend
I have to go to work hearing him talk about the cats that once were mine that he now calls his
Those nights at 3am when I woke up with the bed empty next to me and finding him with you in the living room make sense
I was never the one people really wanted

I'm still recovering financially from what you did to me
I'll be recovering mentally for much longer
I'm realizing I don't have a best friend
I don't think I ever did

I used to miss you
I used to reach for my phone to call you and tell you about the miniscule events of my day
I used to bring you up in every conversation
Now I wish I could forget

He brings you around
And I'm not bitter at him anymore
I think I always knew we wouldn't work out
But I'm bitter towards you, no matter how much I try to forgive myself for what happened
Your name is taboo
A curse
A forbidden word that causes me to spiral down into painic attacks

I always knew that meeting you would change my life
I now wish I never did
I hope you're happy with this
I'll be having nightmares filled with you again

It took me a laughably long time to figure out that happiness isn't some pipe-dream want or a privilege

   ---You deserve to be happy

I often times wonder how my name tastes in your mouth
i'm sure it used to be a favorite of yours
crisp, single-syllable proclamation of adoration
a name can hold so much power
I doubt you savored the times when my name tasted sweet in your mouth
I bet you thought my name would never become sour to your tongue
would never fumble out with regret and broken promises
would never leave a burning in the back of your throat
Your name was always indulgent to me
naturally causing my mouth to form a smile as your letters positioned themselves on my tongue
Your name was an addiction
thrilling and dangerous
I say your name now with a bitter tone
It tastes wrong now
Like how when I was younger and had such a sweet tooth, but now that I'm older I crave salty things
I guess my mouth grew tired of your name
grew tired of how easily it fell
now I have to force it out
is it the same for you?

I know staying here much longer can affect my progress
but Mania feels the same as getting better and while I'm ready for better,
I'm scared of good
of the fix
that the stitches I've placed will start tearing out again

We're done, aren't we?
I've been feeling it now for a while
Too scared to let go of the one person that has been consistantly in my life that
I've been selfish
I'm sorry
But we're done aren't we?
You stopped talking to me
Say you'd rather be alone
Stopped telling me where you were going
So we're done, right?
I think I did my grieving that week you were crying and overwhelmed and I gave you some time to think about us.
I told you I'd give you some space but I'm pretty sure this is more than I bargained for
So we're done, huh?
I cant be the only one here not feeling anything
I know that you feel just as trapped as I do
And I'm tired of being emotionally used.
So we're done, aren't we?

Like you my muse has been lacking; distant
Like you
My muse went from lover to friend
Upbruptly and unexpected
Like you my muse is becoming less and less of someone I know very well and very fondly and more of a tense acquaintance I pass in the grocery store with heavy eyes and a forced smile
Grocery stores are the worst though
We're always forced to meet up in a different isle
And we continue this ruse of feigned "okayness"
And you take your handfull of items and emotions to self-checkout
While I'm drowning in a cart full of ingredients I can't feasibly make a meal out of
And check out with a clerk I pay a hundred dollars every visit
And meet a nutritionist to help me shop
And you
You just get on with your life

Sometimes I smile so hard it makes my soul crack instead of my teeth
And the tears fall
And the dam that was that smile cannot hold back the true emotions anymore
And I wonder
If even when I was truly happy
If I was just faking it all.

How do you communicate with
someone who is always going back on their words?
How am I still in love with someone
who only seems to tolerate me?

I'm stuck feeling for something that doesnt exsist
A dream I lost consciousness in too hard
The waking world doesnt feel the emotions I have
Words no language could begin to describe
They were artificial and simulated
But still the most I've felt in a long time

My mother laughs at the obituaries every morning over breakfast
sharing with me the ridiculous names some people were once unfortunate to have
She cuts out her favorites adding them to her collection on the inside of a cabinet door in our kitchen

I guess that's unusual
laughing at someone else's pain
Maybe she's a sadist
or maybe I'm the one with a problem
because instead of laughing or feeling pity
I swallow my mouthful of cereal and I am jealous

After vitals have been taken
Before I really wake up with
Cloudiness still fogging my brain, I remember
Depression brought me here; the light
Eases its way through the closed blinds
Fully sealed windows
Galvanized metal toilets
Handrails not fully formed
In case anyone gets any ideas; ideation
Jumps to action quicker than you'd believe
Knowledge of this fact binds us--
Little me would not be proud--
My mind is swimming
No one is really listening
Once I'd like someone to understand
Progress is pointless without a destination
Quiet, winding roads still call to me
Reaching scenery I've never
Seen before and may never see again
This is freedom
Under open skies
Venturing further than I thought myself able
Wading through still waters
Xylophone tones from the nature all around
Zoned out, free, finally calm and content and
     alone

I feel stupid
humiliated
embarrassed rather than chagrined
and I want to cry like a child who has lost their favorite toy
I am a downfall unto myself

but I cannot scream
and I cannot cry
because doing so would be admitting defeat--
even if it would give me some relief

I feel like I'm in a constant fight to prove myself
where previously I would have been given grace
I find I am given none,
even with it being my name

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm anyone's anything except maybe their problem
and I would give anything to gain the amount of love I give for others
My first steps were on eggshells, and I've been tiptoeing ever since
afraid of breaking the perfectly laid out path that was crafted of my own volition
I attempt to stomp on occasion,
but am met with glares in response to the sound

I want to be needed
but more than that I want to be wanted
and it's difficult for me to accept that
someone could want me in return

I've found people before who seem secure
yet every time the safety breaks and the steady smooth ride turns turbulent into a crash

I feel secure with you for now
our communication is clear and valued
but I can't help wondering how long this security could last
I doubt myself more often than not
I'm still waiting for the fall

I think the reason I'm so depressed is because i'm always unfulfilled
I live my life day to day
I crave knowledge and passion
but finding it is hard
when I know the only things that would ever hold my interest long enough for a satisfying career need doctorates
and I'm too lazy and unmotivated to go to classes every day to be told things I already know
to go into debt for knowledge I obtained years ago
There's no easy way to get into infectious or rare genetic diseases
no easy way to become an exotics vet
I wish I could skip the basics
The day to day is taxing

I make my brain fade every night into oblivion because it's better than facing the truth that I am nothing
That I will amount to nothing
I will forever be nothing
And I will die nothing

I've been here before
This weird mentality in between okay and not
It's a seesaw I sit on with myself
balancing the bar with equal weight and no sudden movements
And it's always a test to see how long I can hold it this time
A week?
A month?
A day?
I try to beat my record everytime
Positive that my balance must be getting better after all this time
positive that muscle memory should kick in at some point and take over
It never does
I hope it gets easy soon.
I don't like when it tips
when it tilts one way,
it always tilts back the other with much greater force
But I'm balancing now
I'm balanced for now

I know talking about the future scares you
I'm sorry
It's just that I never saw myself having a future
And now with you
I can see it
I can see us
And it gives me hope
So I see our future
And I want to tell you how excited I am
I know it scares you
I sorry

I bought myself a ring and
you said it was weird
twenty dollars of sterling silver
now perched on my left ring finger
It doesn't belong to you
not some symbol that I'm taken
my right hand just does too much in
a day to be dressed up
but this ring bothers you
you said it looks like I'm married or engaged
and truth be told that doesn't bother me
because I look at this flea market buy and see what could be
I see what one day could be your ring on my vow
But you find it odd and unsettling
and I'm struggling to find that fact anything but unnerving

It slipped out of my mouth before I could choke back the words
I love you
To me those words are forbidden
The meaning of which I never allowed myself to indulge in
I never found myself worthy of them until now
I love you
It felt so natural
They way my tongue lightly teased the roof of my mouth and finished off at my lips in an "o"
I never thought that those words could feel so light
I always imagined they'd pummel out of my mouth like a brick
Hitting the ground with such force the tenderness of the moment would be shattered like ciderblock
Yet these words weren't bricks
They didnt break like I always thought they would
They weren't accompanied by twangs of fear or anguish
I love you
Instead I found myself smiling.
A gentle tugging at the corner of my lips
Captive to my puppet master, the strings pulled them so high my teeth were showing
I was crying like I always imagined I'd be doing
But it was out of jubilation
Of relief
Of safety
In the comfort of knowing these words which held me back in fear of their power for so long were words of power not for their daunting significance but for their freeing ability
I never dreamed I could fly
Some dreams are so foolish no child would deem it possible
And saying I love you was a nightmare of mine
But hearing you say it back--
Knowing that no matter what you said that I didnt regret it--
God, how I felt like I could fly in that moment.
I have no fear of those words now
They give me comfort
I love you
Such power only eight letters hold.
I could finally allow someone to see my heart
I'm so glad it was you.

--I spent years beliveing I was unworthy

I left my soul in ink on paper and I’ve
been writing ever since trying to get it back
When it left me I became hollow
I only feel complete when I’m burning
my mind in black
In words
In feelings
In worlds beyond imagination
But when that book ends,
When that final word leaves my finger tips
When the ink runs out
I lose my soul all over again
I left it in ink on paper
and I’ve been trying ever since to get it back

  --Is that why writers are always lonely?

I don't think I can have children
I've always thought that I was infertile
It never really bothered me
I never wanted to go through that pain, those long nine months of probably bed-rest if my family's history of pregnancy is anything to go by--
My mother wasn't supposed to be able to have children
My sister is infertile
The girls in my family don't typically do well with pregnancy
So I was never phased by the idea that I wouldn't have my own flesh and blood running around
I'd have much rather adopted or fostered children who need homes and love
But when you
after years saying you didn't want your own kids
admit to me that you want your own flesh and blood children
It crushed me
I don't think I can have kids
Never really wanted them before
But I would do anything to give you that wish

Contrary to most Catholics my mother
believes in reincarnation
I clearly was a fish
bigger in my mind
longing for the ocean but trapped in the
needs of freshwater
But unlike my mind
my soul longs for puddles
I was a fish in a past life and I’m still
trying to get used to the idea that I am
now on land.

    --Is this homesickness?

I have dozens of unread books on my shelf eagerly awaiting my hands
Truthfully I could crease their spines anytime
Dog ear their pages to my favorite passages
Underline sentences that must be very well trained in martial arts from the punches they've thrown me
But these books, as much as they intrigue me, will never be you
And having my hands trail your body is better than any page
Breathing in your scent is better than that of a time-worn book
I’d rather have your  sun-kissed body in my arms than the yellowing pages of a novel
I’m not fond of audio books but I’d listen to you a hundred times over before deciphering script
I never thought I could love something more than literature
But darling you are the most beautiful adventure

She sang to me in a strange language
One that I had tried and failed so many times to learn
Self care is foreign to me

I fought with you the other night
the tears on my face trying desperately to wash
away the demeaning words you threw at me
an embarrassment to you
a *** who will never be anything more
I have to keep telling myself that this is gas lighting
this is abuse
this is you making yourself feel better
because I have to believe that I am so much
more than you limit me to be
after all
if I can't believe in myself
who could?

You asked me if you could illustrate my poetry
to get a collection published
to frame one I wrote for you in your new home
You believed in me when I doubted myself
I've heard people tell me to get published before
been told that I'm a good writer before
been told this is what I should be doing before
But when you said it
I believed it
For the first time I believed I did have what it takes
believed I could throw myself into my writing shamelessly
believed that it was okay to dislike some of my writing
that's a sign of growth after all
you taught me more about confidence in myself than any
other person did
I'm sure you would say the same about me all because I pushed you out of your comfort zone a few times but believe me when I say that you made the push way before I did
Thank you for introducing me to that concept
I've always had a fear of falling paired with the odd love of being in high places
But because of you, I'm not afraid to fall
I could never repay you

I dont speak truthfully with my psychiatrist
The fear of mental hospitals keep my lips glued
I know that there should be somebody that I can speak to about anything
But the daunting premonition of being crazy keeps me chained in this cage of mine
These glass walls in my brain are bullet proof
No amount of "how does that make you feel" will ever break through
I want to tell someone everything
How I want to **** myself
How I have multiple ways planned out
But those plans would leave me institutionalized and the fear of that chokes down the words in my throat
I wont do it
I wont commit that taboo
But the fact that I have plans
That I close my eyes driving cars
That I see how long I can last without medication in a hospitalized withdrawal keeps me quiet
I fear to be known by my illness
By my crazy and my unpredictable
I got help once
Medication paired with therapy
And lies fighting back the truth
I wouldn't be here If my impulse control was normal
I wouldn't be here if they knew

I think I love you
Well, not think-- I know I do
I've been slowly falling since day one
But it's hard for me to admit my feelings
Because you are the most important person in my life and I dont want to ruin that
I dont think I'm in love with you yet
I'm guarding my heart with my head from that one final step
I'm scared to take it
I can't do that long distance thing again
I cant hurt you to heal me
Even if you are in the back of my thoughts every minute
Even if my dreams have you and I together
Even if my coworkers are tired of hearing your name on my lips
I cannot be selfish this time
I always used to want to be selfish about the people I loved
Wanted to keep them for myself and hold them close
But you make me want to be selfless just this once
I want you to be able to have what I can never give you
I dont want you to hold back your dreams just for me
There's something bittersweet about the fact that I am content knowing you'd probably be happier without me

I used to believe in the tooth fairy more than Santa claus
It's funny how our childhood brains find fallacies in the impossible
But a tooth-crazed fairy?
Well that made perfect sense.

--It's weird to think about

I keep passing mirrors searching
Store windows hoping
for just a glimpse of who I am

And if I come back as a ghost
I will haunt you every day like you haunt my memories

I hope one day your lips will curl around your meager breakfast of coffee and cigarettes and acknowledge that despite what they've told you, you are not hard to love.

And I want to mark you as my territory like how girls mark theirs in Bobby pins on bathroom sinks

We went outside today
a concrete courtyard with partial sun
and like dogs we lined up
excited and eager to go outside and play frisbee
to draw with chalk
for the privilege to sit in unfiltered air

This place is like kindergarten
I'm drawing and coloring
with music class sprinkled in
our P.E. morning stretches
we lineup to walk to the dining hall

I think I needed this--
this childish retreat--
a place to have someone else take care of me for a change
with my peers, and in downtime,
I forget why I'm here
laughing, talking, able to speak without fear of judgment
we all walk in hand with our demons here and then I'm faced with doctors
and I'm forced to remember
forced to feel
I don't like that part

My words often drip with sarcasm
or spit out with such bluntness you'd spend nights lying awake thinking of them
My words hang unspoken on the walls like a crooked picture
      out of place
my words are carefully chosen and have a lust for hyperbole
my words build up self esteem in one phrase and tear it apart the next
my words
     my words
          my words
 my words will caress your body  
will fill your mind with reassurance and love
will tease your skin like feathers
dance across your memory like ballerinas en pointe
                                                     my words
                                                  my words
                                             my words
My words ****** you like the siren they are---luring you to your ultimate demise

I don’t know what it was about you that
made my soul easy
I trusted you with the deepest pools of me
I did not know myself.
Underwater cave exploring is a dangerous
profession,
And I am so lucky that you feel bold enough
Crazy enough
Trust in me enough to do so.
It’s not easy to show others these parts
of me
To know me is to spend years on a puzzle
only to have that dreaded last piece go
missing.
Only my solution isn’t as beautiful as
slowly building art
And it’s much more time consuming.

    --Letting people close

I'm playing Uno with God
And they keep hitting me with a draw four.

I have loved my name and I have hated it
Hidden it; buried it; burned it
Threw it back to my parents—I did not want it
I let it fly from my lips only as a toxic poison.
Do not call me it.
A nickname then name change and I renounced what identified me my entire life
Sick of the jokes how I was so ungraceful for someone who carried that title
Sick of the smiles from strangers telling me they always wanted a daughter with my name
Sick of the expectations a name like Grace held
As I renounced my faith
Renounced my upbringing
I renounced the name that kept me tied to a life I never wanted

But I have loved my name
In its fullest, truest meaning of the term
Love to the unlovely; peace to the restless;
Love that cares and stoops and rescues
A name with such a force to live up to
I realize even when running from and hating myself,
I loved so deeply for others that I began to learn to love myself again
And maybe expectations are frightening and thrilling all the same

--I’m trying to live up to my name

it's a change I knew was coming
a slow reality setting in that want and desire are overthrown by happenstance
I'm facing a loss and for that I grieve
there was denial on my lips for the longest time
months of agonizing over weather or not it was all in my head even with the physical evidence in my hands
anger in the unfairness of it all, my youth clinging to thinning strands I once struggled to control
I tried to bargain with myself--a last ditch effort of treatments that promised a solution until reality shook me by the shoulders once again
at least I have this
I tell myself
but I know what's coming next, and I fear for that moment when depression rears it's head at me again,
grabbing me by the throat and forcing me to face myself in the mirror until I do not recognize the face looking back
there will be  acceptance one day
I will be comfortable again in my own skin
but for now I grieve a loss that is no body else's but my own

there will be no grave to visit

I thought it would be harder
And maybe it's because I've been waking in panic attacks from nightmares
Shaking from anxiety
Battling my irrational thoughts with slightly less irrational but still not nearly as logical ones for weeks now
I wanted communication
I got what I asked for
This outcome is bittersweet

--I'll watch from a distance
More alone than I've ever been

I painted my face today and did not seek your validation
I did not think of your words telling me that I look better without it
I did not argue back saying I wore it because I liked it
We did not end the fight with me wiping my art off my skin
I wish it was because you finally learned to accept my fondness of the result
Rather than the reality that you are no longer here.

I'm no longer asked what I want to be when I grow up
That question has changed into what I wanted to be as if my young 21 year old self is out of time, is out of drive, is out of dreams because I work retail
Three time college dropout doesnt show much promise for dreams
Three time college dropout can't handle the pressure of school
If you just had a degree you'd be further in life
A lie my parents pounded into my head
My neighborhood white, and judging, and privileged,
And I'm not disregarding that or am denying my privilege, but it made me feel like I was supposed to be more than what I am
Never living up to the expectations of suburbia
Parents not understanding how someone who had so many opportunities could destroy them all and work retail
I destroyed them all but not by choice
It was a decision made a gunpoint, hands leaving fingerprints slowly bruising my throat, air choked out my answer with tears in my eyes that I would fail in yours
I had asked for help
But my privilege should have been all the help I needed
The opportunities and material items subsidizing serotonin
How could anyone with all this be depressed?
A counselor once asked me where I saw my future and I told her I didnt think I'd have one.
What's the point in planning for a future where that spot on the timeline was already ripped off the page
Life ending too soon
Too abruptly to allow for any success
My success is being here today, alive, and breathing, medicated for some feeling other than emptiness and my parents come and visit my bare apartment with judging eyes
I call them more often than not to ask for some help---pay for a doctor's appointment here, cover some rent there, my car insurance is coming up and I dont even know what agent we use and can you cover it because I'm still trying to get on my feet
Recently my body started to deteriorate
My right side joints failing with some unknown illness I had to walk with braces and a cane
I couldn't go to the doctor because I dont have insurance
But I'm not sure if what I'm seeking at this point is medical or emotional


I'm scared to talk to you because I work retail

My mania is kind and diligent
that beautiful I woke up like this flawless
It's warm and laughs at the most ridiculous things
and so overwhelmingly optimistic
glass half full with room for more
My depression is ugly and scarred and sees all my flaws
that haven't showered in weeks kind of hermit life
there's a house and world outside of my bed
it doesn't want me to see
what a surprise
My mania is caring and gentle
taking me on treat yourself trips
while overworking because there's work to be
done and there's motivation to do it right now
and we don't know when we'll have this again
My depression is soft in actions but harsh in words
and the feelings it creates
It is too deep in my comfort space
My mania usually keeps its visits short because
staying would only make me act like a normal
productive member of society and my depression
claims that I can't be one of those for long and
calls me back to the bed
always back to the bed
I'm sick of the bed
Mania was visiting last week though
so I know I'll be in bed for the next few months
until my mania makes it's presence known once again
I guess I'll wait
here in my bed
growing tired of the bed
restless

I wish I could shed my skin like a snake
Maybe then I would feel content knowing
That this body has never been yours

  --The only time I was grateful for taking martial arts was when you were on top of me

i have turned to thunder
a response to your lightening gaze
i refuse to be silenced