Clear, Cubic, Cut, Crystalline, Ice
Nice, on Hot Sunny Days.......

All I have to see
Is her face

The freckles
Each hiding a secret
Her eyes
Hiding so many lies

I like to pretend
All my life
That I am
A fearless warrior
I can do no wrong
I am so often right
In my own mind

But she

She brings me to my knees

That icy cold glare
I used to laugh
And join her
When she looked
At others that way

But now
The tables have turned

She knows
I cannot
Hold my pride
When she is near

When you notice me staring into nothingness,
Do not call me back,
I am trying to imagine a better day.

When you see me write incoherent words,
Do not ask me for their meaning,
I am trying to make sense of these thoughts inside my head.

When you see my nails sink into my arms,
Do not tell me to stop,
I just long to feel something that's not emptiness.

When you see me tugging at my clothes,
Do not ask me why,
I am just nervous of what people may think of me.

When you see me walking alone,
Do not come to my side or try to reach me,
I'm just trying to calm myself down.

If you ever see marks or bruises on my body,
Do not ask what has happened
Because I do not know myself.

If you ever see cuts or scars on my arms,
Do not pretend you know how it feels,
I'm not looking for your sympathy, I just need a release.

If you ever see my body tremble,
Please do not ask me why,
I am willing myself to just stop and breathe.

If you ever see me rocking myself,
Please do not make your jokes,
I just need to feel comforted at times.

If I ever arrive late,
Do not ask me where I have been,
I was busy trying to control the urges.

If I ever seem distant with you,
Please do not ask me what I'm thinking,
I am probably just wanting to disappear.

If I ever say I do not care,
Do not be fooled,
I am just probably tired of hearing these 'jokes'.

If I ever make a mess of things (like usual),
Do not yell at me or make me feel small,
I will clean up my mistakes, it just takes time.

If I ever hurt you,
Do not hate me,
Sometimes I just forget how to act.

If I ever cry on your shoulder,
Do not be uncomfortable,
It just means I am comfortable with you.

Please do not ask me if I am okay
Because I am never okay.
I am just surviving.

Please do not try to figure me out,
I am only human,
I just like secrets.

Please do not try to hug or touch me,
It makes my skin crawl,
I am not used to that touch.

Please do not try to comfort me,
Its not helping.
Just stay within reach, stay quiet,
Empty your mind of doubt.

If I'm ever crying or just being dumb
And I tell you to leave me alone,
Don't...I'm just too scared to admit I need you.
I need you to hold me when I feel so broken.

I once had
my sweet little girl ask me...

Daddy?
          Yes dear?
Is the little man in the snow-globe, is he happy?

She looked up at me with bright blue eyes,
eyes so deep they were bottomless oceans.
I could stare into them forever.
I took my rough, calloused hands that were sanded with age,
into the gentle palm of her own.
"How could I ever tell her?" he thought
with a gaze so lovingly at her.  
Clutching the snow-globe ever so tightly,
she shook it twice so that light, beautiful snow-flakes
gush in all directions, inundating the glass city..
I smiled, and told my darling:
                                
                                     Don't worry sweetheart,
                           it is only trapped in a perfect world.

                                She didn't seem to understand.