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Thirteen years ago, something changed.
It altered my personality and made everything a stressful decision.
I let fear take control and I became a shell of my former self.
I must admit; It nearly broke me.
The important word there is, nearly.
It didn't break me and I won't let it.
I control my life.
I will not be controlled by fear and negativity.
I have one shot at life, I will not take it for granted and I will push myself.
Whether it's by writing or raising mental health awareness, I will try and show that mental health isn't a life sentence.
There is help out there.
It does get easier.
Sometimes I wonder if my body can cope.
Analysing everything so thoroughly, as if using a microscope.
Scared if my mind could endure this unbelievable strain.
I felt like I was under so much pressure. I started to question if I was sane?
Scared of how much my mind and body was having to take.
I thought it was only a matter of time, before I would surely break.
Where I was at, I needed help with this.
If I kept heading the way I was going, I would have fallen into the abyss.
I talked to people who had a good understanding.
Who recognised how mental health can be very demanding.
They told me that it can get easier, but it would be a fight.
That with support and help, my future could still be bright.
I needed to know I could get better and that things wouldn't always be black.
That I could regain control and get my life back.
XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine
 Mar 2018 Vaniexe Kafka
alexa
you will never be forgotten.
ever.
your name twisted into metaphors and colors and distractions will forever
be painted across pages and pages of her favorite brand of notebook,
no matter how many she burns
there will always be one she forgot,
and she will only find it once she had almost forgotten you.
she will find the one Papyrus notebook
and all of your metaphors and colors and disractions will come flooding back,
just like how the ocean in your eyes
flooded her heart all those years ago.
The beauty of a lovers voice,
how it soothes the tardy soul,
warming the coldness of breath,
parching its receptors thirst,
she moves within me,
reaching the farthest corners,
if I could but hold her there,
for a thousand eternities,  
yet a captive she is not,
I listen to her enchanted music,
behold the delicate petals of her beauty,
as the most fragrant springtime flower,
I listen with joy to her beautiful song,
feel the softness of her fragile skin,
she keeps me safe in the witching hour,
healing this pain, making me whole.
 Mar 2018 Vaniexe Kafka
Rohan P
carrying the white-flecked wisps
of you hurt like tomorrow. sometimes they
whispered, when the sun quieted:
“you’re like frost—
you melt into the dark”.
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