For about two years it crushed me and me under its control.
Preying on my weaknesses and craftily infiltrating my mind, just like a mole.
It was trying to set up shop and stop me from living.
Like Groundhog day, it felt like each terrible day, I kept reliving.
I knew if I didn't do something, I may slowly lose my mind.
I had to make the effort and see what help and support I could find.
It was time to try things like CBT and medication.
It was time to get back to enjoying my life; and not be ruled by trepidation.

December the 31st 2011 is a date I won't forget.
A day filled with misery and full of regret.
Everything was normal as I watched the television.
Then something tore my world apart with a calculated precision.
It started with shaking and a rapid increase in my heartbeat.
I'm not ashamed to admit, I'd almost resigned myself to defeat.
A tight chest sweating and a faint head.
I'd never been so sure that I'd end up dead.
Scared I could die at any moment, I questioned what I'd achieved.
Asking what I'd done wrong and questioning the punishment I'd received.

I am a firm believer that beauty on the inside, is more important than beauty on the outside.
I don't just want to see your bare body, I want to see you bare your soul.
I don't just want to have ***, I want to make love.
I want you to feel comfortable and to talk to me about anything and everything.
I want us to feel safe in each others arms and forget about our worries.

I hope to make you feel confident about your own insecurities.
To show you how special I think you truly are.
I want our hearts to race when we see each other and our eyes to sparkle.
I want you to look into my eyes, so you can see how much I love you.
Am I asking too much, or is that exactly what love should feel like?

When we go through rough waters, I want us to be each others anchor.
Knowing that our love and support for each other, can get us through anything.
You may be beautiful on the outside, but it's the compassion in your heart and the beauty in your soul, that makes me want to spend my life with you.

Thirteen years ago, something changed.
It altered my personality and made everything a stressful decision.
I let fear take control and I became a shell of my former self.
I must admit; It nearly broke me.
The important word there is, nearly.
It didn't break me and I won't let it.
I control my life.
I will not be controlled by fear and negativity.
I have one shot at life, I will not take it for granted and I will push myself.
Whether it's by writing or raising mental health awareness, I will try and show that mental health isn't a life sentence.
There is help out there.
It does get easier.

Sometimes I wonder if my body can cope.
Analysing everything so thoroughly, as if using a microscope.
Scared if my mind could endure this unbelievable strain.
I felt like I was under so much pressure. I started to question if I was sane?
Scared of how much my mind and body was having to take.
I thought it was only a matter of time, before I would surely break.
Where I was at, I needed help with this.
If I kept heading the way I was going, I would have fallen into the abyss.
I talked to people who had a good understanding.
Who recognised how mental health can be very demanding.
They told me that it can get easier, but it would be a fight.
That with support and help, my future could still be bright.
I needed to know I could get better and that things wouldn't always be black.
That I could regain control and get my life back.

Self confidence can be hard to come by when you suffer from a mental illness.
You show strength, when other people would crumble.
You help people with problems, even when you're going through a hard time yourself.
You forgive certain people; even when it would be understandable if you never spoke to them again.
You find motivation, when it would be easy to be lazy.
You try and make people's lives that bit brighter, even when you feel dark inside.
You raise awareness to let people know they're not alone, even though it makes you emotional and is hard to talk about.
Not many people could do all of these things.
You show kindness, when it would be easy to lash out.
You go through a struggle every day, but still make time for everyone and you always do your best.
That shows that you have every right to confident.
In adversity, you still show how good a person you are.
That makes you someone special and someone I'm proud to know.

I've experienced OCD, anxiety and depression.
I've been in the depths of despair.
There have been times where I'm always afraid something terrible will happen.
There have been many nights where I've doubted I will wake up in the morning.
Days where I constantly do routine after routine, making me feel mentally exhausted.
Wondering if my life will always be like this, if I'll always be worrying for the rest of my life.
The best way to describe it, is I was in constant fear.
If you want to enjoy your life, face your fears and stand up to them.