“ Don’t frown. Smile, people will think I am hurting you.”

So I smile.

“ don’t wear that , I know what boys think .”

So I change.

“ Don’t say anything. Just sit. “

So I smile and sit.

“ if anyone ever asks , everything is okay .”

… right. ‘ everything is ok’

“ Smile. Remember smile. People will question me, and I don’t want that .”

So I begin to remember everything I am taught.

I must be obedient. I must be modest . I must be silent. I must be perfect. I must be happy. I must be out of sight unless summoned. I must not be too pretty, not too unkempt or sloppy. I must not slouch.
I must not tempt men. I must not speak.
I must not upset the hands that care for me.
I must smile. I  must be poised and graceful.

Easy. Just smile.

No one must know.

All these voices telling me I know something is wrong, it’s a loud noise.

These constant little whispers that summon that familiar taste of betrayal, it’s a violent shiver.

‘Beware , beware … there are signs you’ve chosen to be blind to, beware of the words who’s sweet and endearing touch you know,”
They warn.

And then there’s the defiant and strong wiled songs of the heart , it’s a mere melody.

“ no, it can’t be true. We know the true heart of the one you hold dear. We know they wouldn’t ever betray. Believe that your love will be enough,” They sing.

Louder and louder the angel and the devil over my shoulder argue. The ongoing chants of reason and denial grow louder and louder.

Until one day , there’s silence. The truth reveals that what was hidden.

We found love. We did.

After 6 years of wandering pain…

We thought we found love.

We found sorrow. We did.

After a couple weeks of confusing feelings …

We felt history repeat itself.

What is this thing about trust that makes it so special in the eyes of the girl who wants to live again ?


What is this thing called when a past so full of darkness wants to seek the light ?

She wants to love again and is met with another’s thorn.

… we thought love could overcome all. We did….

The agonny of being torn in half-- can you hear me?

This nagging voice i'm being taunted by..
Telling me to give in once again.

Telling me that even if i was wronged,
I still am to give in .

I wanna be where the song birds serenade the sun .
I wanna be where the fluffy clouds gallop through.
I wanna be where the sun gently kisses my skin.
Where the laughter is abundant .
Where the memories are made.  
And smiles created.
I want to be there.

I'm just being honest.
I promise I'll never beg for Your respect.

And I stayed there.
Looking inside something I knew I could never find.
What a fool I made of myself.
Even so, here I am, searching- longing.
What diffrence will it make?
One broken heart looking for another heart that simply doesn't know how to give love back.
And yet i still belive.

Will You hold me while we wait for Summer?
These memories both bitter and sweet , will You still --even after seeing my brokenness ?
After seeing night and day pass over what I am?
Will my unsetled fear of the unknown drive you away?
Or the glimmer in my eyes beg You to to stay?
All these thoughts-- these insecurities-- will they undo me before You?
Will the sun still rise on that warmth You placed?

here's to all the memories you had to painstakingly cut out of your soul.

To all the moments of laughter that made the lifeblood of those cherished seconds.

To the months spent putting each stich into place ,  one by one.

Here's to silenced hurt that poisoned from the inside out.

To healing.

And to never looking back.

Those familiar faces that faded into nothingness.  
The memories that I chose to ****.
All of it suppressed, just to resurface unannounced.  
What's the purpose of the struggle I had if it just seems to float back from the past.

Those ****** familiar faces...
What truths do you hide now?
What lies beneath the sudden change of heart?
Who do you say you are to me?

And to those tears, those ten thousand that fell for you.
Shall I say it was in vain?

Those ****** familiar faces ...
I wish the torment ended the day we parted ways.
What will it take?

I am the rose that grew amongst the daisies.  
I always stood out from the rest.
For so many years I hated myself.
Why God?
Why make me a rose , and not a Daisy like the rest of them?
I stayed angry with God.
Why ?
I just want to know why?!
I have to have soil just so.
I have to keep the bugs at bay.
I have to be warry of the weeds.
I have to seek the sunshine.
And the daisies?
They stay looking fresher than I.
And these thorns i was given-- is that meant  to protect me ?
Or to keep them away?
Why God?
I just want to be like the daisies.
Trade my wilting crimson petals for the snow white ones.
To be like them-- to be one of them.  
And for once be admired not from a distance--
I guess what I'm saying is;  
when will a rose be wanted and not feared?

That bitter sound the caged heart makes;
And the way  its song falters with every passing second .

No one sees the way those words sever and destroy.  
or the fallacies that grow from within;
And the poison that found its course .
What became of me ... I do not know.

Light is the heart that ignores reason.
The flutter and warmth that it brings.

Oh--to be this trusting again.

But fragile is the soul that sought through the long nights.
And the caution it treads upon.  

Light is the heart that ignores pain.

Two painstaking years later
The scars turned into art .

Those tarnished memories
Were once treasured.  
And now they just float carelessly.  
Away into nothingness.

The pain they carved.  
And the weight they carry.  
Now it seems, it was just dead weight.
But they're wisked away , this time---
No gut wrenching sorrow.
I traded my scars for art  .

A Red Rose that smells of the infatuation and curiosity.  
It's innocent purpose to lure and beguile the eyes That fall onto its silhouette.  

It's gorgeous.  
The way the crimson petals dance in the wind.

Is that fair?
A token of curiosity for the passage to a broken , lifeless heart?
A stone now more than flesh?

Not so long ago, another was presented.  
But it grew thorns on my side.
What is one more ?

And so now this remains admired from afar
Its beauty quickly fading.

Is it fair that it be judged as a poison?
And not as a white flag waived from that distance?
An apology not from the abuser.  
But a gesture intended to make up for that lost dream?

It is tempting i must admit.
To indulge in that sweet fragrance that lingers  .
But a poison never tastes bitter.
What to do?
What to say?
What to do?

They'll see in time;
I know they will.
But for now,
I'll tread slowly.
Alone if i must.
But we'll find a way;
After all, a storm can't last forever.

Two little girls at play cheerfully.
Daddy's sleeping.  
Mama's humming in the kitchen.
All is bright. All is well.

One crimson kool-aid stain.
But barbies blanket will fix it.
It's a mess.
Mama's yelling.
All is noise and confusion.

Four hands clash in the air like angry vipers.
Like two great titans, they collide.
There's no time.
But a war zone is no place for Barbie .

Two little girls huddle closely under a bed.
Heads shielded beneath each other's arms.
Tables have fallen.
Plates are  shattered.
All is chaos. All is broken.

And then there's that deafening silence .

Red, white,and blue lights scream their justice over bright yellow walls.
The sirens wail like vultures at a ****.

Two little eyes peek--
To reveal the most vivid image fifteen seconds can carve.

One little girl clings on to her father's leg.
Screaming. Kicking. Crying.
" please don't take my daddy away."

All is bright. None is seen.

Whats the word they use?
Dead.
I should be dead.
2013 I'm young at heart but numb to reality.  I'm pushed around and beaten senseless.
The bruises come and go, but I think Nothing of em.

2016 I'm a little more acquainted to the pain.
Fear looked at me in the eye and moved in with me .
The silent tears I let fall made groves in the ground.
Sometimes I want to feel something other than pain, but what else is there aside ? I dont know .

2018 I know the best ways to land . Face covered, hands shielding, legs running as fast as they can.
I know every foot step, and the weight they carry behind em.
I know the schedule like clockwork.
I know what to say and what not to say.
I'm a good girl.

2019 im a little bolder . So much more smartmouthed. It's earned me newer cuts and swolen bruises but I can stand on my own two feet.
Eyes alert, anger bubbling.
I know every moment and thier intentions.
2020 I'm plotting. Its wrong. But I know now.
I told a friend why I had that on my shoulder. He looked at me in shock.
Mace? A knife? Maybe a tazer.
I know every floor board and how to slip away unnoticed.
But what lies ahead ?
What else can I feel ?
Is it worse?
All I know is I should be dead. And yet here I am.

I run ,
and I run,
And manage to go nowhere.
Yet you are everywhere.
Without even so much as a glimmer of a memory, you resurface.
You refuse to be bottled up and it shows.

Some days you are steam and smoke.
Other days you're as gentle as bubbles floating by.
But mostly, You show up all washed up along the shores of my mind.
A subtle but ever present memory of You.

But I run. I dodge. I swiftly swat the lingering thoughts that waft through my head.

Sometimes you're a raging voice,
Or the silver sound of laughter rippling through.
You just can't be restricted, can you ?

So tell me how I should best rid you of my life.
Because it seems at this point;
Running is futile.

" You're beautiful " he said.
I know.  I've never denied that.
I said I feel pressured.
I feel silenced.  
I see you pushing and pulling parts of me that makes me--
--Into something unrecognizable.  
And then I watch as you step back and admire
  Gazing  though every scar you placed and called it beautiful.  
Every misplaced tear used to polish this shell I've become.
" You just don't understand. I do it because I care."
Yes . You care what image I may or may not show.
You care what others might think of me.
You care.
But never listen.  
Couldn't have heard the voice I once so proudly boasted.
And now you look at me in complete and utter shock; when all you hear now..
..Is a mere whisper.  
A shadow of the laughter and confidence I once radiated.
" don't cry. You're too pretty to feel that way.
I did that because I care. "
You've suppressed and chained my spirit, and contained it .
" You mean so much to me, but you've changed.  You don't speak much to me anymore "
.... I let my guard down and I'm paying for it.
I sit here looking into the abyss.
And I Come here to listen,
to the song of the caged bird sing,
" You're beautiful."

You know how that little voice inside us?
The one that tells us that everyone that loves us will hurt us ?
Is that the fear or the hurt talking?
I can't tell anymore .

It's hard existing in a world designed to extinguish flame throwing souls like mine. And yet here I am.
An unforgiving, reckless wildfire.

She told a lie.
A secret so awful it turned into a lie.
She also swore to protect a solemn promise.
Meant to last an eternity.
Yet here she was, staring back at the judge.
How she held her head up ; she knows not.
Lie to protect?
Or to tell the truth and loose...
This isn't what she invisioned her integrity would be tested as.
Heavy heart. Dry mouth. Shakey hands.
And a heart screaming louder than all of the unheard ones she drowned deep down inside.
This is it. For too long has she stayed strong.
Is it right? Is it wrong?
No time for that now. Your safety and theirs both stand on the line.
Say it.

You can't fight her with Fire; and neither can you with ice. She's both. Missiles and weapons she has to spare, swords and daggers all lined up.
She's Dangerous, beloved.
You made her that way.
Fear left a long time ago.
But that day, she couldn't raise her hand against You, it wasn't weakness, it was sorrow. So she laid all her artillery down, beloved. But the more she saw, the more she hated it. The truth stays the truth. And with that. Beloved. She couldn't anymore. Couldn't deal with all the bullroar.
All that talk " heart breaks hurt but the pain is greater when you watch them turn into a stranger"
So look at her eyes again, and lie to yourself again. You. Didn't. do anything....Wrong.
Bull. Fuking. Roar.
I should have shot you down when I had the chance.
Bull. Fuking . Roar.

She's got that cold and calculated look in her eyes.
Its the very same ice in her heart ; it's killing her warm smile--
--now only a faint trail of smoke.

She knows. And she sees.
But all she hears , is the same Bull roar that tumbles out each time.
But this time--this time? --
--She has no time.

She's's got all her attention on the next intruder, laser sharp and ready
To strike.
They'll try to spear her down, and find, you can't make ice bleed.
You just can't.

Longitude,  longitude help them find--
Latitude,  latitude guide the way..
15 degrees north, and 2017 miles that way...
Help this wanderer find that bridge gone down in flames.
Help them find that sound of a burdened greif..
Because she saw no one come until they saw opportunity.
And so she built walls where there shouldn't be.  
Higher and higher, thicker and thicker they became.
Until the sky itself was no longer visible.
Brick by brick, that fortress grew.
Tear by tear her vision blurred...
..and then ...
                ....  darkness...

Those brown eyes.  
Those deep brown soothing eyes.
They're able to just know in an instant if I lied.
And crinkle into a heart skipping smile.
Ah yes those eyes.
Heaven knows they're my worst kind of kryptonite.
But I can't live without them.
My kryptonite wears a green collar and signs of aging.
The tell tale signs of a life worn down by love.
From start to finish, he is the definition of love.
My kryptonite is my good boy.

Same broken soul
Different smile

Same hidden pain
Different laughter

I have thorns where a crown of Roses should be.
Tell me where i went wrong.

This is the story of a single soul.
Who from day one--
;Fought with all her might.
This is the story of  a dauntless being who's tears were forced out.
Even after keeping them hidden from their view.
A loud and intense soul that boasted an unusual combination of fire and ice. One that refused to let anyone bring her down.
This..is the story of how one day. She fought with all her might.
Trying to keep her head held high.
But they couldn't let her keep her pride.
They couldn't let others see what she truly was.
Because her intrepid ways were an insult to tradition and to thier power.
But like I mentioned before.  She knew no fear. And this is what happened.
All the Pushing. And yelling. High volumes of anger.
And the bitterness clawing at her.
But she's Still a wild flame.
Until eventually ;
-her head  was pushed against the floor with another's gruesome foot.
A polished,  cold leather shoe.
" respect me or fear the consequences. Who do you think you are?"
And so she sat there infuriated as she was, tears streaming down.
Hands tied back. Eyes looking down.
Because she knew who she was. She knew what she's capable of.  
But it causes them to feel intimidated and insulted. She's unlike anything anyone's ever seen before.
This is the story of how they tried to break her...
And succeeded.
And took away what made her..her.
And now she waits looking from the floor in rage....waiting.  
Not a happy ending ;no. A twisted story;yes.
But they'd better watch out.
Because silent fury always makes the loudest noise.

Slowly , ever so slowly..she fell on a direction opposite of the stars. Running into an unseen abyss that only drowned out that fighting spirit. And so there she lay.
Lifeless.
Wanting nothing more but for a breath.
She was an unblemished soul that fought another's war. But it's just that what brought her here-- now staring lifelessly at the sky. Will anyone avenge her?
           No.
               Because..
                     ...Innocence must be taken...
                                              ... Never returned .

You're an Angel
"You're an angel", he says.
But beloved, how can I make you see?
My wings, they caught fire, and now they're the color of ash.
"You're heart is made of gold," he continues to say, "the purest there could possibly be."
Oh, Beloved. My heart?  It's made of wax and stone. It melts and hardens, all at once at the sight of you.
"Your dreams and ambitions are what makes you beautiful," he tells me.
Beloved... How else to explain, but to say..all my dreams are by road where the trash is. I'm falling harder, headed in a direction, opposite of the stars.
"You're a warrior. And I love you."
And then there it Is; the way He silence my fears. You love..me? A mess on the inside and an even bigger mess on the outside? Scars, bruises and shards? Me?
And so I smile,
because dearest Beloved ; your affection is what I live for.

Long curly hair, afloat in the breeze
short,swift glances
and a deep longing to meet yours;--
-No!
I refuse to fall for you again.
Red full lips, parted;ready to speak,
dry parched throat, denies such action-
-I said, 'No' .
Faster and faster races a shattered heart,
shards clawing on the inside; but you advance nonetheless.
and then... a deafning silence.
come hear the sound of my breaking heart,
come feel the cold raging inside,
come taste the sorrow I now hate.
Is it possible you heard?
That you felt ?
That you tasted?
Is it possible that--
Gentle hands caress me,
And a wamth engulfs what little frame i have;
silencing the screaming winds.
Deep brown eyes wander accross my still face,
finding what exactly; I'll never know.