Maybe someday I can tell you

How your smile has made my heart feel warm
How your voice has given me giggles
How your opinion has made me want to shout out in agreement
How your eyes are the two things I look for among our friends
How your warmth has driven out some of my icyness
How your kindness has restored my faith
How your ideas have lit up my mind
How your passion has inspired my own
How your presence has given me peace I never knew I lacked
How your happiness is now one of the things I want to help realize
How your generosity has made me realize how closed off I made myself become
How your sharing fed my thirst to know
How your stories replaced the need to make up my own
How your support has made me realize what I actually need
How your acceptance is what I now crave above all

How I can’t tell what happened when, but I still know

You. And how much I need you to know me, too.

You were an illusion I was hanging on to.

I don’t know how, but you held me captivated.
Your eyes caught my attention and I was enchanted.
You seemed so certain, so at ease, so in place - it was a lie.

Every word out of your mouth became a lie.
I clung to them all, searching for
hoping to find a truth in what you said.
You had me fooled. It wasn’t real

Nothing with you ever was -
Not your words, you weren’t sincere.
Not your interest, it was deceit.
Not your charm, it was an act.
Not your actions, they were a play.

Yes - if nothing else, you know how to put on a play.

You made me feel sad - sad for myself for ever allowing you
Allowing you to touch upon the border of my heart
Allowing you to occupy places in my mind
To dominate too much time of my day
To make me care.

Now you make me feel sad - sad for you
Sad for you because you’ve wasted such good company
Because you’ve nothing to show for your behaviour but malcontent where you could have affection
Because what you portray yourself as makes you uncomfortable and it’s starting to show
Because what you’ve done has dampened your spirits
Because what you can’t have you now realize you want
But most of all

Because your facade is killing you, and it’s starting to seep through to you.
And it shows on your face.
And it takes root in your heart.
And you can’t change it anymore
This is something you can’t fix.

And the worst part for you is the best part for me:

I don’t care anymore.
The illusion broke and we both stepped on the shards
Irreparable, irreplaceable
Gone forever.
Like snow to water, we return to our root state
of indifference.

I will escape from this world,
see the hero enter
imagine it is some beautiful mystery.
Whisper the truth about why
you ask this of me.
Can I haunt you in that life?
Imagine you in a different dream
create a new character,
give it all a new description,
answer all of your questions -
some of ours.
Fight against another chapter,
make you my favourite ending.

It was a truth I had stated before
No one in this world is unique enough to not be replaceable

When no thought has been original for 50 years
History repeats itself on a daily basis
And life has the same rhythm every single day

How could you think, for even one second, that you’re special?

Friends come and go.
Loves burn out one after another
Trust wilts and faith slowly extinguishes

Your touch suddenly feels cold.
And her eyes suddenly look empty
When they used to be warm.

Your hands burn for her, and I?
I turn to ice next to you

The rock on my chest freezes
Grows heavier too
Icicles form that prevent the next person
to come even half as close as you
As you could have
As you would have
As you should have


I hope you keep my gift as a rememberance of me
Of what you used to have
And maybe even could have had.
That you’ll one day look upon it and think

****
That was special
I could have had it

But you won’t. You won’t even care
You will have replaced me with someone else
Someone better
Someone smarter and prettier and easier to see through

And you’ll never look back
Cause after all
Which one of us is not replaceable?