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the peace, calm and
quietness terrifies me
when my soul is used to
getting ****** into
chaos, people’s
worlds and minds..
the unfamiliar feels
uncomfortable
to not constantly
await the inevitable
ups and downs,
pulls and push
that come with
being around those
kinds of people who thrive
on creating disorder..
to unlearn everything
i’ve ever been taught
every idea and thought
i’ve built myself on
to survive..to create
a world where i run
towards peace
and not from it
is all i want.
sometimes i wish i was
anything but a human being
anything but a creature
that feels everything
on another level
either way too much
or not enough
i’m either on the edge
staring out the window
looking down
trying to run from the flames
and the fire around
or at the very bottom of a low
wondering when the next fall is due
but resting my head
for a moment or two
before it all starts to fall apart again
having to find a way through
to manage how imbalanced
my own coping mechanisms
don’t always work
they cause nothing but
more harm and damage
and yet i appear and show myself
not a single person can guess
what is wrong because
i never give them a reason to
or let them see what goes on
behind the stage
behind the scenes
of a raging storm
invisible enemies
and the battles i daily fight
i hoped that for once
someone would see me
the real me and choose to stay
like i always did with those
who never truly knew me
or cared enough more about me
than what they could get out of me
i still offered love and compassion
they were never worthy of i know
but through thinking i could save them
i was trying to save me
because i don’t know
how to pour all of that into myself
how to give me the very thing
i freely give away to others
not asking for in return..
sometimes i wish i had something
an alive object
that i can place down
all that love into
and watch grow
but it’s never the same as
pouring into another soul..
I am just a concept.
shapes twisting, moving, changing,
taking on new and familiar forms,
fading and brightening, becoming new colors,
colors that may not even exist yet.
as one piece of me falls out of focus, another fills the void,
sometimes just shapes and colors, I'm unrecognized
other times, the shapes get smaller, more specific,
piecing together a collage of misshapen pieces,
ultimately giving the illusion of unity, of purpose.
i ask myself if how I'm seeing myself is how others do.
everyone pieces these shapes together differently,
creating a new being unique to them that i cannot precieve.
to them, i am those ideas, that shape,
and others can say what they see,
change what others see of me,
influence other's perception of myself.
to me, i am constantly changing,
constantly evolving,
the me that i can precieve is just a concept,
in that light i am just a thought, nothing more.
this was written before i knew i was trans. still one of my favorites.
You say it's your fault

While pointing out all my flaws

You say you're to blame

Yet make me aware that I'm the cause

I'm the reason you react with fury and wrath

You say you're it's your fault

All I do is make you feel worthless and hurt

You made me see that I'm the problem

The issue is this

I believed you.
The first time he saw me
He saw a kaleidoscope of colors
A rainbow of light
He says I am divinity
His angel
Sent from above
For him and him only
He says how he needs me
Oh,
he needs me
I hear him when he tells me
I am his saving grace
I will be his salvation
Making him stronger
I am all he desires
He says my vibrance will help him grow
He will live for me
For eternity
He loves me
keeps me
holds me so tight
He uses me
He abuses me
My pain brings him colors and light
He says I shine brighter
with every tear I shed
He wants a whole rainbow
He wants a picture book
A movie in color
He wants to paint the world with my hues
He holds me tighter
He pulls my hair
The more pain I feel
The more brightness he sees
The more strength he receives
The colors become droplets
Puddles
Then rivers
And lakes
He loves me so deeply
He knows I'm his to take
His hands move seductively up my body
Trying to find new shades to add to his palette


Red
His hands clench my throat

Orange
Rougher

Yellow
And tighter

Green
He squeezes so hard

Blue
Crushes completely

Purple
I crumble to the floor

Once he sees that I have broken
He gets on his knees
He slurps the puddles of sorrow from the floor
Little pips
and tiny pops
He follows
Drinking in the rainbow stream
A splat and a plop
a bit of a boggle
He sputters out sparkle
shimmer
And glitter
He begins to bulge
belly squiggling
As his throat widens
He parts his lips

What comes out is a
Hiss.
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